Author's Notes: This story is based around the FUNimation dub names, as well as several references to companies, actors, actresses and various things dealing in both pop and underground culture. I have given some footnotes to help. I hope this provides to be amusing, but I doubt it will, just hope someone enjoys it =D
Conan blinked at the computer screen, his face twisted in mixed emotions. Heiji pouted, he'd been cuddling with Conan prior to his sudden urge to browse the Internet. Heiji got up and moved up behind the boy, sitting on a stack of books to reach the keyboard and mouse.
"Kudo...what are you doing?" he demanded, sounding more irritable than he wanted too.
"Looking up our names in English" he said almost too innocently.
"...English?" Heiji inquired curiously leaning in closer to see the screen better.
"Yep! English, so I'm translating Kudo Shinichi into the translator here and my English name is...Ji...mmy..." Conan sounded it out slowly using the English alphabet and blinked.
"JIMMY?" Conan and Heiji asked together, Heiji's accent a little clearer than Conan's.
"What a retarded name" Heiji said irritated that the translator had ruined his Kudo's lovely name.
"OH! Do me, Do me!" Heiji said, almost too excitedly for Conan.
"I will once I get my body back", Conan promised eliciting a deep blush from his tanned lover.
Conan smirked as he plugged Heiji s name into the translator box. He stared at it, and jumped when Heiji pulled back jerking his seat,
"Harley Hartwell? I'm not a fucking motorcycle[1]!" he demanded in an outrage, Conan began to sweat a bit giving him a rather flat look.
"Your translator sucks Kudo!" Heiji snapped upset, and blinked "Do Ran!" he said suddenly.
"No thanks" Conan said simply
"Not that way! In the translator!" Heiji said rolling his eyes.
"Moody today aren't we Hattori?" Conan asked and typed in Ran's full name curiously.
"Least my English name is something cool, Slim Jim[2]" he retorted getting a violent glare from Conan
"Watch it Hartwell" Conan came back on him quickly "least you blow a spark plug" he said grinning at the screen.
"Oh aren't we witty, following your dream of being a comedian already Jim[3]?" he said smirking, which earned him another glare.
Conan took a sip of tea while he waited for the translation to come back. He nearly sprayed the desktop screen with it when it came back as he choked back a laugh as he tried to swallow.
Heiji leaned in "Rachel Moore...THE FUCK!" Heiji said twisting his face "Hey! Take a bite of the Rachel sandwich[4], and taste the Rachel[5]! Heiji said excitedly.
"The Rachel[6]!" Heiji and Conan said together laughing together.
"RACHEL!" Heiji breathed out, finding it heavily amusing
"Oh Oh, Kazuha, plug hers in" Heiji said excitedly, as Conan tried to compose himself whipping away a tear.
"What's her full name?" Conan asked pausing at the keyboard.
"Tooyama Kazuha" Heiji said poking the characters for her name and pressed enter.
They stared at the screen intently and their faces fell,
"Kristen" Conan said flatly
"Thomas" Heiji finished equally as disappointed.
"The hell kind of fucking translator is this?" Heiji demanded,
"OH hey! Her hair's dark enough lets dress her up as that girl Bella[7] from Twilight!" Conan said excitedly, "You can dress up as Edward" he said grinning and cried out with Heiji smacked the back of his head.
"Idiot! The hell do I need to dress up as a gay vampires for? Besides bastards more pale than you are, you'd make a better Edward. Besides your hairs all funky-fied already" he said ruffling it up, as Conan tried to swat him away.
"Stoppp!" Conan growled "and leave my hair outta this!"
"Dude it defies gravity on all levels" Heiji pointed out.
"What about that piece of a hair sticking out of the side of your head?" Conan said grabbing it causing Heiji to come down to his level.
"Ow Ow Ow!" Heiji hissed "Well I wouldn't be talking! Your friend, Ran, has got the craziest hair I've ever seen! A HUGE hair horn! Like a fucking Unicorn or Rhino...or a Rachel Alexandra[8] dressed up as a unicorn" he said he mused.
Conan snorted and started to laugh, picturing Ran as a Rhino wasn't all that much of a far cry from the truth. She was short tempered, violent and that hair was definitely questionable.
"Oh shit, plug in your folks" Heiji said jumping up.
Conan jumped at that and sat down typing in his mother's name first and blinked at the screen,
"Vivian?" Conan demanded,
"You should go in business with your mom Heiji said and thew his arms out and call it Vivian and Son[9]! he announced excitedly
"Or just stay an old actress[10], that'd fit too." Heiji finished off and blinked at Conan who motioned for him to be quiet
"She'll hear you..." he whispered looking around carefully, his mother had a habit for cropping up at the worst times.
"Lemme try Dad's out!" Conan said and typed in Yusaku's name.
"...BOOKER! How fitting" Heiji said smirking.
"Shut up!" Conan snapped
"My name is Booker, I am a Booker[11]" Heiji said trying to imitate a haughty British accent.
"There is no such thing as a Booker!" Conan protested but Heiji wasn t listening
"HE'S A MAN BOOKER[12]!" Heiji said throwing his hands up in the air.
"He's not from the British Commonwealth OR Ireland!" Conan said slapping his lower back the only thing he could get too.
"Does your dad live in...perhaps...Booker, Texas[13]?" Heiji wondered,
"HE-I-JI!" Conan snapped at him.
Heiji turned to him trying to look as innocent as he could manage, "What?" he asked as if he'd done nothing wrong.
"!" Conan growled,
"Aww I was just getting started..." Heiji pouted, as silence fell between the two until Heiji got one last idea,
"LITTLE BOOKER!" Heiji said causing Conan to flinch startled from the loud noise.
"ARGH! That's it your dad's next!" Conan said and typed in Heiji's dad's name quickly before heiji could object.
"NOOO!" Heiji said and puffed when Conan clicked "enter" quickly.
"HAH! Martin Hartwell!" Conan said smirking at him.
"You bastard" Heiji growled
"You know...Aston Martin is a car company manufacturer" Conan said smirking "So, Mr. Harley, planning on merging?"
Heiji shuddered the sexual implications left him feeling ill "oh god, ewww" Heiji said sticking his tongue out.
"St. Martin's school for wayward detectives[15]!" Conan said jumping up on top of the books to announce the name
"Marten Weasel![16]" Conan announced looking at Heiji, who growled
"Ku-do!" he gritted through his teeth.
"Martin bird goes TWEET[17]!" Conan said flapping his arms like a bird.
Heiji lost it and swooped him up and dug his knuckles into the top of his head as Conan kicked trying to get away.
"AHHH!" He cried out trying to wiggle away to no avail.
Heiji let him down when he was satisfied, and puffed,
"Oww" Conan said rubbing his head.
"Hah! Redemption" Heiji said smirking.
"Is that the name of your up coming line of motorcycles?" Conan asked smartly and yelped out when Heiji lunged for him. He scrambled off the books scattering them everywhere in his attempt to escape Heiji's fury.
"CRAP!" he said trying to run and squeaked out when him and Heiji tumbled on the floor
"What was that Jimbo? Huh?" Heiji said tickling Conan who howled in laughter.
"Jealous because my bikes rock and all you got is your crappy music[18]?" he demanded as Conan laughed and tried to buck him off.
Heiji pulled back exhausted and laid down next to him on the floor chuckling, Conan panted giggling occasionally.
"That was fun" Conan breathed out cuddling against Heiji.
"Yeah...next time we see the girls, lets give it to 'em" Heiji smirked
Conan grinned "I wouldn't have it any other way"
Footnotes:
[1] Harley-Davidson is a motorcycle manufacturer
[2] Slim Jim is a brand of dehydrated beef stick
[3] Jim Carrey is a famous comedian and actor
[4] A Rachel Sandwich is a variation on the standard Reuben, except with Coleslaw and Corned beef instead of Pastrami and Sauerkraut
[5] Heiji plays on the Skittles slogan "Taste the Rainbow"
[6] The Rachel is a haircut style which copies the hairstyle of Rachel Green of the sitcom "Friends"
[7] Kristen Steward is the actress that portrayed "Bella Swan" in the Twilight movies.
[8] The Rachel Alexandra is a breed of Thoroughbred
[9] Vivian & Sons is a British Chemical company
[10] Vivian Leigh was the actress that played "Scarlett" in "Gone with the Wind"
[11] Heiji's doing a play on words here, a "Booker" is in reference to a "Booking Agent" a person who plans public appearances for famous people.
[12] The Man Booker Prize is a literary Prize given out to honored people in the British Commonwealth and/or Ireland
[13] A small town in Texas.
[14] Heiji's playing again, Booker Little was/is a jazz trumpet player but he switched the name around to fit the standard Japanese format where the Surname proceeds the Given name.
[15] "St Martin" is actually the name of a college and university which are unrelated. Conan is playing with the prefix "St." to make up a name of a fictional catholic school. As the standard for catholic schools is to have the prefix "Saint" at the beginning of their name.
[16] The Marten is a weasel-like mammal
[17] The Martin bird is a bird similar to that of the swallow
[18] "Squirrel Nut Zippers" is the name of a "Swing Revival" band founded by James "Jimbo" Matheus in 1993. "Nut Zipper" is southern slang term for a particularly strong jug of Moonshine.