Disclaimer: I own none of the characters quoted here. None whatsoever. They are the exclusive property of their respective authors, including Alan Moore, whose comic book inspired the film (and has yet to arrive in my mailbox, hence my use of the film). All of the embellishments are mine, but the script dialogue is (as far as I can tell) James Robinson's. I make absolutely no money writing this—it is purely art for art's sake. Thank you, and enjoy.
Outtake #1:
Tom Sawyer: Boy. They told me European women had funny ways.
Mina Harker: (icy) Funny, in what sense? Funny "that's amusing," or funny "that bloodthirsty she-devil is going to kill me if I dare to open my mouth"?
(Tom swallows uneasily.)
Outtake #2:
Henry Jekyll: Hyde will never use me again.
Dorian Gray: Then what good are you?
(Gray and the others drive off.)
Edward Hyde: (V.O.) Good enough for your mother…
Henry Jekyll: Shut it, Hyde.
Outtake #3:
Marksman #2: What are you?
Dorian Gray: I'm complicated.
(Marksman dies.)
Mina Harker: No, you're not.
Dorian Gray: I beg your pardon?
Mina Harker: You're an invulnerable and unapologetic sinner, who'll do any amount of any narcotic substance and have sexual relations with absolutely anything that has orifices. What, pray tell, is complicated about that?
Outtake #4:
Rodney Skinner: You scratched me.
Dorian Gray: Better me than him.
Rodney Skinner: You coming on to me, mate?
Dorian Gray: Care to find out?
(Dorian raises his eyebrows and saunters off.)
Rodney Skinner: (under his breath) Poof…
Outtake #5:
(Dorian has been given his portrait back.)
M: You could stay, you know.
Dorian Gray: And do what, exactly? Fellate you again?
M: Share my dream.
Dorian Gray: I've lived long enough to see the future become history, Professor. Empires crumble. There are no exceptions.
M: You think you're better than me. You forget—I've seen your portrait.
Dorian Gray: Yes, and I've seen your pathetic excuse for eggs and pork, sir. I've even had the misfortune of tasting them. Several times. (He holds up his pinky, and curls it, indicating a "kink.") You're hardly one to judge.
(Dorian storms out.)
Outtake #6:
Allan Quatermain: If you can't do it with one bullet, don't do it at all.
Tom Sawyer: But I got plenty of ammunition—ain't no trouble.
(Allan rolls his eyes and walks off.)
Tom Sawyer: Hey, where're you goin'? Ain't you gonna help me out?
Outtake #7:
Mina Harker: (to Tom) You're sweet…and you're young. Neither are traits that I hold in high regard.
(Mina walks off; Dorian walks up behind him.)
Dorian Gray: I, on the other hand, can work with both.
Tom Sawyer: Are you making suggestions, Gray?
Dorian Gray: Better me than her. After all, she killed her last husband.
(Tom swallows uneasily.)
Allan Quatermain: (to Dorian) Whereas you merely desecrated his corpse.
(Pause. Dorian shoots Allan a dirty look, and then turns back to Tom.)
Dorian Gray: Only a little.
(Dorian winks and walks off. Tom vomits off the side of the Nautilus's crows-nest.)
Allan Quatermain: The ocean is off this side, boy.
Outtake #8:
Allan Quatermain: This is Africa, dear boy. Sweating is what we do.
Sanderson Reed: Is that what that was?
Outtake #9:
Henry Jekyll: I am in control.
Captain Nemo: I very much doubt it.
Edward Hyde: (V.O.) Can I beat him senseless now?
Henry Jekyll: No, Edward.
Edward Hyde: (V.O.) Let me snap his neck…
Henry Jekyll: No.
Edward Hyde: (V.O.) Rend his flesh?
Henry Jekyll: No.
Edward Hyde: (V.O.) Spill his blood?
Henry Jekyll: No.
Edward Hyde: (V.O., gleefully) Grind his bones to powder?
Henry Jekyll: Stop it.
Edward Hyde: (V.O.) Come on, Henry, you know you want to…
Henry Jekyll: Shut it, you monster!
Captain Nemo: Doctor?
Henry Jekyll: Do you mind? This is a private conversation!
Outtake #10:
Allan Quatermain: Skinner, I want you dressed at all times, eh? Or it's my boot up your arse.
Rodney Skinner: Good luck finding it, you old pervert!
Outtake #11:
Sanderson Reed: Stories of your exploits have thrilled young English boys for decades.
Allan Quatermain: Speaking from experience, are we, Mr. Reed?
Sanderson Reed: Well, I…uh, well, um…
Outtake #12:
Dorian Gray: (offering) Would you care for a nightcap?
Mina Harker: I'm not much of a drinker.
Dorian Gray: (grinning) Oh, that's right—can't seem to hold your Spanish Fly, can you?
(Mina narrows her eyes, glaring at him.)
Dorian Gray: With all due respect, Mina, you're really bringing down the conversation.
Outtake #13:
(Dante has transformed into an uglier version of Hyde.)
Captain Nemo: What is that thing?
Edward Hyde: It's me on horse steroids.
Captain Nemo: Come again?
Edward Hyde: Never mind! Run!
Outtake #14:
Tom Sawyer: Who says I'm afraid?
Edward Hyde: YOU DO! (Swings a chain over Tom's head.) YOU STINK OF FEAR!
Rodney Skinner: I know something else he stinks of…
(Pause. Hyde, Skinner and Dorian start chuckling and pointing. Tom Sawyer has apparently soiled his pant leg.)
Allan Quatermain: Go clean yourself up, boy.
Outtake #15:
(On the recorded message the League received from M.)
M: "To that end, I set my wolf among you sheep."
(Pause.)
M: Gray, that's your cue.
Dorian Gray: I know.
(Pause.)
M: Well?
Dorian Gray: Well, what?
M: Aren't you going to say it?
Dorian Gray: No.
M: Come again?
Dorian Gray: You heard me perfectly well. I'm not saying it.
M: Why not?
Dorian Gray: It's stupid.
M: It's not stupid—it follows my last line.
Dorian Gray: I'm not feeling it.
(Pause.)
M: You're not feeling it?
Dorian Gray: Not in the slightest.
M: You're just supposed to say it—you don't have to actually make the sound.
Dorian Gray: I know that.
M: Why the hell can't you just say it, then?
Dorian Gray: I told you. I'm not feeling it.
(Pause.)
M: I'm not paying you to feel it, Gray.
Dorian Gray: You said that last night, and you wound up paying then.
M: Will you just fucking read the cue cards?
Dorian Gray: Do I have to?
M: "Do I have to? Do I have t"—YES, YOU FUCKING HAVE TO!
Dorian Gray: I'll thank you not to raise your voice to me.
M: I don't want your thanks, Gray—I want you to read the goddamn cue cards. This is my chance to show those clueless, bloody gits in the League my true colors, we're short on time and recording space, and I just want this take to be perfect. Is that really so much to ask? Is it so fucking much to ask that you just read the words written out in front of your face?
Dorian Gray: Fine! Christ. The writing is absolutely atrocious, but I'll read it so that you'll cease your insufferable grousing.
M: Fine. You read my atrocious writing, and I'll stop my insufferable grousing. Fair enough. Let's try this again, shall we? (Clears his throat) "To that end, I set my wolf among you sheep."
(Pause.)
M: Gray?
Dorian Gray: Shh!
(Pause.)
M: (whispering) What is it?
Dorian Gray: (whispering) I'm reading it.
(Pause. Someone on the recording snickers.)
M: (shouting) Out loud, Gray! I want you to fucking read it out loud!
Dorian Gray: (chuckling) God, I wish I had a picture of your face…
M: It's not fucking funny.
Dorian Gray: I beg to differ. Besides, a picture would last longer than you ever will.
M: Damn you.
Dorian Gray: A bit late for that, I believe.
M: Say it, goddamn you.
(Pause.)
Dorian Gray: What's the magic word?
M: Please, Dorian, will you act your age? Please? For once in your fucking life, can you please just be mature about this and PLEASE READ YOUR FUCKING LINES OUT LOUD PLEASE?!
(Pause.)
Dorian Gray: "Growl." There. Satisfied?
M: Quite.
Dorian Gray: Good.
(Pause.)
M: Bitch.
Dorian Gray: Bastard.
Outtake #16:
Allan Quatermain: (sniffs the air) He's afraid.
Tom Sawyer: (sniffing the air) I don't smell anything.
Allan Quatermain: You wouldn't.
Tom Sawyer: Oh, come on! It was just that once!
Outtake #17:
Edward Hyde: Yes, Henry. Look, but don't touch. That's your way.
Henry Jekyll: Just shut up. I won't be tricked again.
Edward Hyde: Tricked? You've known what I was about each time you drank the formula.
Henry Jekyll: Liar. I am a good man.
Edward Hyde: Who's lying now? You want it—even more than you want her.
Henry Jekyll: No.
Edward Hyde: You can't shut me out forever. Drink the elixir.
Henry Jekyll: No.
Edward Hyde: She barely even looks at you...
Henry Jekyll: Be quiet.
Edward Hyde: SHE LOOKED AT ME.
Henry Jekyll: (losing it) Because you're an EYESORE!
Edward Hyde: What?
Henry Jekyll: She only ever looks at you, Edward, because you're such an eyesore that you can't help drawing disgusted stares on a regular basis. Because you are that monstrously massive an example of misbegotten humanity. That misshapen. That malformed. That distorted. That horrific. That unsightly. That repulsive! That hideous! That utterly grotesque! THAT UGLY!
(Pause. Hyde's lower lip starts quivering.)
Henry Jekyll: Don't start that, again, Edward. Don't you—
(Hyde starts sniffling and crying.)
Henry Jekyll: Oh, bloody hell…
Edward Hyde: (sobbing) That hurts my feelings, Henry! That REALLY hurts my feelings!
Henry Jekyll: You started it.
Edward Hyde: I NEVER CALLED YOU UGLY!
Outtake #18:
Captain Nemo: I'm impressed, Mr. Gray. You take Skinner's uniqueness in your stride.
Dorian Gray: Well, I've seen too much in my life to shock easily.
Mina Harker: Excuse me, Mr. Gray, but an invisible man is hardly the same thing as an orgy at Eton featuring prepubescent boys and goats.
(Pause. Everyone looks at him strangely.)
Dorian Gray: And hardly as satisfying.
(Pause. Everyone looks vaguely disgusted.)
Dorian Gray: What? It's not. My apologies, Mr. Skinner, you just don't have it.
Rodney Skinner: Don't touch me.
Outtake #19:
Allan Quatermain: Ah, you're missing a picture, Mr. Gray.
Dorian Gray: And you don't miss a thing, do you, Mr. Quatermain?
Allan Quatermain: Oh, sometimes.
Dorian Gray: (under his breath) I'd hate to be your wife on those days.
Allan Quatermain: Pardon?
Dorian Gray: Nothing.