Author's Note: This story was written for my roommate, who was disappointed by the ending of "Hunters" and thought that Janeway should have asked Chakotay what was in his letter when they had their final conversation in the ready room.
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PORT IN A STORM
It was not unusual for the Captain and the first officer to attend Voyager's functions together. They often arrived with her on his arm, and left together late into the evening. But tonight, he felt compelled to stay at her side, occasionally placing a hand on her arm, or guiding her gently by the shoulder from one conversation to another. She had seemed so defeated during their conversation in her ready room, and even though she had tried to make light of the situation, he could tell that it affected her deeply. She had not even asked him about his own letter, and this type of selfishness was unlike her. So he had played along, putting his own feelings aside to be strong for her. This was a skill at which he had come to excel.
For once, she allowed him to be protective. The events of the past few days had left her feeling vulnerable and exposed. She had been surprised at how much Mark's letter had affected her. She had known he was unlikely to wait for her, but, in truth, a part of her had continued to hold out hope that they would somehow manage to return before he had moved on. Now, she felt that yet another chance at happiness had been taken from her. Reading Mark's letter had forced her to acknowledge that she had lost a second fiance, and memories of the first were thoughts she preferred to ignore completely. Chakotay's constant strength and support were what she needed tonight, so she let him remain closer than usual, placing his hand lightly on her back as they spoke to the Doctor, or guiding her away from the window by her elbow, bringing her back to the conversation.
It was late, and the party was all but over. Only Tom and B'Elanna remained, sitting with the Captain and Chakotay while Neelix tidied up the mess hall.
"Well, I think I'm going to turn in for the night," said B'Elanna, standing up. The other three followed suit. "I'm exhausted."
"I'll walk you to your quarters," Tom offered.
"Thanks, Tom. It hasn't exactly been the greatest day, has it?" she asked, giving Chakotay a meaningful glance.
The Captain watched the look between the two friends and wondered what Torres was referring to. Tom seemed to understand, though, because he put an arm around B'Elanna's shoulders and said, "Tomorrow will be better."
"Maybe tomorrow I'll kill a bunch of Cardassians on the holodeck," Torres replied bitterly.
"B'Elanna..." Chakotay began in a warning tone.
"Don't worry, Chakotay, I'm just kidding," she said, although her facial expression indicated that she might not be. The Captain's expression was becoming more and more puzzled as she looked from Torres to Paris to Chakotay.
"Come on," Tom said, gripping B'Elanna's shoulders a little more tightly. "Goodnight Captain, Commander."
"Goodnight," they both replied.
"Goodnight!" Neelix called after them. They both turned and waved goodnight to him as well. The Talaxian turned to the command team that still stood in the mess hall. "Can I get you anything else, Captain? Commander?"
"No, thank you, Neelix. I think I'm going to turn in myself," Janeway replied. "Thank you for the party. It was a wonderful idea."
"Yes, Neelix, thank you," Chakotay said.
"You're very welcome!" Neelix exclaimed. "Everyone needs a little relaxation sometimes. I'm glad I could help."
Kathryn turned to Chakotay, slipping her arm into his. "Walk with me?" she asked.
"Of course."
As they exited the mess hall, she looked up at him, studying his face. "What was all that about?" she asked.
"All what?"
"B'Elanna wanting to kill Cardassians on the holodeck." Chakotay's jaw clenched, and she saw him fighting back a powerful anger. She wasn't sure if she had ever seen that expression on her first officer's face before and she stopped mid stride, releasing his arm and turning to face him across the corridor. "Chakotay, what's wrong?" she asked softly.
"I got some disturbing news today," he said, "but I'd rather not discuss it here."
They resumed their walk through the corridor and entered the turbolift. "Join me for a cup of tea?" she asked.
"Okay." They exited the turbolift and walked the rest of the way to her quarters in silence Janeway realized that she had been so immersed in finding a way to communicate with Starfleet, the Hirogen's capture of Tuvok and Seven, and her own personal problems, that she hadn't even asked Chakotay about his letter. Inwardly, she chastised herself. He was always so conscious of her struggles; the least she could do was be the same for him.
When they arrived at her quarters, she replicated tea for both of them, and they sat down on the sofa. "Did you learn something in your letter, Chakotay?" she asked softly.
"The Maquis are dead. Wiped out."
Inadvertently, Kathryn gasped. "What?" She put down her tea on the table.
"I received a letter from Sveta, the woman who recruited me into the Maquis. The Cardassians have a new ally from the Gamma Quadrant; they're called the Dominion. Together, they've massacred the Maquis." His tone was hard and unrelenting, his anger bubbling just beneath the surface.
"And Sveta?" Kathryn asked.
"She and a few other lucky ones are in prison." His tone dripped with sarcasm as he called his friends in prison "lucky."
Kathryn put her hand on his arm and breathed, "Oh, Chakotay, I'm so sorry."
"I almost can't believe it," he replied, staring at the table. "I read Sveta's letter over and over again, trying to understand. I thought that maybe when I told B'Elanna and the other Maquis that it would seem real, but I still feel like I'm in the middle of a nightmare."
Janeway didn't know what to say. To be stranded out here in the Delta Quadrant lightyears from home was one thing, but to find out that most of your friends back home had been slaughtered while you were helpless to protect them... that was something else entirely. She squeezed Chakotay's arm and watched him take a sip of his tea. Finally, she asked, "Is there anything that I can do to help the Maquis crew members adjust to this news?"
A guttural sound escaped from Chakotay's throat, and Janeway couldn't tell if it was a chortle or a sob. "How do you 'adjust' to the news that all your friends are dead?" he asked bitterly.
She withdrew her hand from his arm. "Chakotay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be insensitive. I know what it's like to feel powerless to help those you care about." Her voice broke for a moment before she regained her composure. "I just want you to know that if there's anything I can do..." She trailed off, unsure what to say as her first officer's expression remained ridden with anger and guilt.
He put his tea down on the table and turned to look at her; this woman; his strong captain, his closest friend, his confidante, and his expression softened. "Thank you," he said. She nodded, offering him a small smile. His expression remained severe, and she averted her eyes, reaching for her tea again. They sat there in silence until Chakotay let out a sigh. "We certainly are a pair," he mused.
She turned to him, seeing that his expression had softened. "A sorry pair," she joked with a smile.
"They do say misery loves company." The tension of the moment had dissipated with Chakotay's anger. He could never stay angry around her for very long. It was one of the reasons that she was good for him. Suddenly, she laughed. "What?" he asked.
"I was just remembering that when I was young, and I would be sad about something, my mother would warn me that my face would freeze in that position if I kept pouting."
This image made Chakotay laugh out loud. "You know, that's what I'm going to say to you next time you give Tom one of your death glares on the bridge."
She poked him in the stomach. "You better not!" she teased. Their eyes met for a moment and her expression became serious. "Chakotay," she said, "I'm sorry for going on about my letter earlier without even asking you about yours. It was insensitive of me."
"You had a lot on your mind," he replied.
She shook her head. "That's no excuse. You're always listening to me, offering your support. I try to do the same for you, but sometimes I just fail miserably."
He gave her that small, closed lip smile that she was so accustomed to seeing on his face. "Nobody's perfect, Kathryn."
She sighed, knowing this was his way of accepting her apology. "Well, some of us can sure try."
He chuckled and sat back on the sofa, stretching his arm out behind her. "You do a pretty damn good job, most of the time."
She looked him in the eye, replying, "If I succeed, it's only because you're there beside me." She broke his gaze and sat back against him, allowing him to wrap one arm around her shoulders protectively. He relished the sensation of her warm body against him, and she relaxed in the safety that he offered. As the exhaustion of the past few days overwhelmed her, she let her eyes drift closed, and her head drooped slowly onto his shoulder.
Chakotay looked down at his Captain as she dozed off in the crook of his arm. He tightened his arm around her, drawing comfort from her closeness and from her brief willingness to let down her guard around him. As he felt her breathing slow and steady, he looked out the window at the stars flying past. Somewhere out there, there was a place he had once called home. If he ever got back, would there be enough of it left for him to recognize?