Star Trek canon envisions Tellarites as being short, chubby, almost comical beings. I've always thought that Tellarites should have the muscle to back up their obnoxiousness.

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek

Boss Hogg

By

Runt Thunderbelch

No vodka, only that disgusting Saurian brandy. This was the only explanation why Ensign Pavel Chekov was the only one sober enough in the outpost bar to be acting as bartender. Everyone was else was either passed out, thinking about passing out, throwing up, or thinking about throwing up. His predecessor had given him one word of advice before keeling over and losing consciousness: "If you hear Boss Hogg is coming, clear out fast!"

"Who is Boss Hogg?" asked Chekov innocently.

"Who is . . ?" the bartender had looked at him agog. "You heard of Tellarites, haven't you? Big, ugly creatures. Well, Boss Hogg's ten times bigger than any of the others. You've heard they smell bad? Well, Boss Hogg's got an odor a hundred times worse than any of the others. You've heard they're nasty tempered? Well, Boss Hogg's got a temper a thousand times worse than any of the others. If you hear Boss Hogg is coming, clear out fast!"

Then the man had wilted into a pile of inebriated worthlessness. . . at least until someone burst through the twin swinging door of the barroom and screamed, "Hey everybody! BOSS HOGG IS COMING!" With that, everyone including the unconscious barkeeper leaped to their feet (hooves, tentacles, phalli, or whatever) and raced helter skelter out of the bar.

Chekov was amazed at the sight. Then he suddenly realized that he should be clearing out too. But what should he do with the till? He just couldn't leave the money laying there.

CRASH!

One of the swinging doors had been ripped from his hinges and hurled away. Chekov couldn't get a good look at the person wreaking the destruction because, even though the doorway was seven feet high, everything above the shoulders was hidden above it. This guy must be eight foot tall and weigh over 500 pounds!

CRASH! There went the other door.

The gigantic Tellarite had to stoop to make it under the doorway. His snout was porcine, with a pincushion of thick black hairs bristling out of each side. Fighting tusks curled from out of his mouth. His irises were blood red.

He took a quick scan around the empty room and then stomped up to Chekov. "Give me a drink!" he bellowed.

Chekov gulped and obediently poured him a Saurian brandy.

The Tellarite glared at the tiny glass. "I said a DRINK!" He hurled the glass across the room, grabbed the bottle from Chekov's hand, put the bottle to his lips, tilted his head back and poured the contents down his throat. Then he smashed the bottle against another wall.

"Would you," gulped Chekov trembling. "Would you like another drink?"

The giant Tellarite looked down on him. "Ooooh nooo! I haven't got the time! Haven't you heard? BOSS HOGG IS COMING!"

The End