Toad's Skin
Three days now without cars or races. I never thought my life would change so drastically after the race. Only a few days ago, I was sitting in the box with my pals, wondering who'd be next. I suppose it was cruel of whoever created me to make me sentient. I mean, who breathes life into a banana skin. They gave me eyes, and a brain. In fact, everything has eyes here. The clouds, the hills, even the goddamn trees can think for themselves. But why am I complaining? It could've been worse. They could have made me a bullet, or a flame. But then, at least I would have a purpose. No, all I do is sit around. I never even had a banana to wrap myself around, for god's sake! I was just a one trick pony. And just when I thought my life would turn around, it took a dump in my non-existent face instead.
* * * The Race, three days earlier.
"Welcome to the Mario circuit ladies and gentleman, we hope you enjoy what's guaranteed to be an exciting day racing!" From beneath the track, I could hear the announcer. It was as clear as my thoughts, but nowhere near as crazy. Or frustrated. "Scheduled for today are four events. First up, the end to an on-going rivalry, the final showdown, the speed-race to end all speed-races, Toad Vs. Koopa Troopa, in a five lap frenzy! Only one of these racers can take the Mushroom Cup home tonight!"
The crowd cheered as each name was announced. The annoying voice sported by the announcer still kept me intrigued, though. I had been following Toad and Koopa Troopa's rivalry since it began in the first tournament almost a six-months before. I was just in training back then, but the trainers showed us the races. We needed to see how others reacted in the field to help hone our own skills. I loved watching the races. They were always so exciting, and sometimes scary. The clashes Mario and Bowser sent fear down all the trainees. They knew, as I did, that one day, they might be in the same position as the banana skins used in those battles. We were all worried, but also kinda excited. Nobody knew what lay beyond the race tracks.
"Following that, a battle of the sexes, a war of two halves, Princess Peach versus Donkey Kong. Only time will tell who will prevail in this battle of gorilla like proportions." He was so cheesy. His voice was charismatic, so most of the audience ignored what he said and just concentrated on what was happening on the track. The final safety runs, the item box checking, the releasing of the moles. The voice just acted as a backdrop.
"Our third event will be a Father and son special, with Bowser facing his son, Bowser jr., in a 12 lap, no holds barred race in the special Ghost circuit. Make sure you keep your eyes on the race! We don't want the Boos to attack, now, do we?" The Boos were a common attraction in the races. It was always interesting to see the Ghost circuits. They would appear out of nowhere, darkening the sky, and frightening adults and children alike. I wasn't too fond of the Ghost circuits. The Boos freaked me out.
"And finally, our main event! A two on two battle royale in the centre arena. It has been anticipated since these competitors first took to the track six-months ago. Representing the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario Mario and Luigi Mario! And representing the Mushroom Underworld, Wario and Waluigi! Who will win this sure to be epic battle? Find out when the two teams lock horns in a couple of hours!" Ah, the highly anticipated battle of the twins. The academy was always filled with talk about this touchy event. It almost took naked women right out of my head when I thought about it. The idea of the four giants going two on two almost gave me a right stonker. But I always wondered if that was possible. I don't even have a penis.
It was at this point that the Royal Family of the Mushroom Kingdom's fanfare was played. The loud trumpet and clear percussion always sent a shiver through my skin. I listened and tried to sway with the beat, but, like always, my inanimateness halted the action, for it could not happen.
Then, after the tumultuous drumbeat came clashing to an end, the first race began. The crowd cheered as the two rivals came out onto the track. We could see the action on a small screen that was in the room with us. By the way, I don't believe I've introduced the rest of this box's inhabitants. There was me, the banana skin, the inaccurate green turtle shell, the highly accurate red turtle shell, a boo ghost (this guy was tamed to help the racers. He was also an expert at retrieving the rest of us from the opponents possession as well as stealth camo), the speed mushroom, the power star, and, the much revered, shrinking bolt. While we all in this room, we knew that one of us would be used this race when a driver rides over our box. Who left was completely randomised. The little speaker in the side of the wall told us who would leave, as well as a picture displayed on our race screen. When this happened, the aforementioned item would leave instantaneously and into the cart of the racer whom had ridden over our box. Up to now, I had never been picked. But all that was about to change.
Both racers made there way to the starting line, waving at their adoring fans. There were separate stands in this particular racing area. One was designated to the 'good' inhabitants of our world, the other for the 'bad'. The Royal family and toads accommodated the 'good' stand, as well as a few other humans who were allowed to watch the races, like Prof. E. Gadd. He was responsible for the creation of these state of the art racing tracks, which could change in shape and size at the flick of a switch. This stand also played host for the various tourists, like the Yoshis of Dinosaur land, and the citizens of Isle Delfino also found places like this to be hugely interesting.
The Koopa family accommodated the 'bad' stand, as well as their numerous cohorts and cronies, like the Goomba tribe and the mole people. Both of these groups of spectators were constantly at war outside of the stadium, because of some secret love affair between the Royal family's Princess Peach and the King Koopa, Bowser. Rumours among the item boxes included a secret love child, a dangerous threesome and something to do with feet, but nothing had been confirmed. Peach was in love with Mario, and that was the front of the whole thing, though nobody was ever completely sure. Dinosaur porn.
Toad blew his kisses. He had spent all of his adult life serving Princess Peach. The entire Royal family had the utmost respect for the diminutive driver. Dressed in his favourite white trousers and blue waistcoat, Toad drove his vehicle to the starting line. Scratching his spotted white head, he looked at the controls on his car. He looked like he didn't know what he was doing, but everybody knew it was a bluff. He did this every race to try and fool gamblers. Deep down, Toad was a money-grabbing fiend. If Koopa Troopa lost the race, all the money gambled on him would go to Toad. Because of there very equal record on the track, both competitors were said to be sitting on quite a gold mine. The bastard Scrooges only spent it on Star powder (I'll explain this later). Nobody else was said to see the cash, apart from the numerous dealers and prostitutes who were humble enough to accept their patronage.
Koopa Troopa flew out of his pit area. He was psyched up to the max. The last time these two had raced against each other, Koopa Troopa faced a humiliating defeat on the infamous Rainbow Road course. Knocked straight out by Toad, he lost total concentration and failed to get back in the race. Races were a lot more dramatic now that the Grand Prix league was over. There was room for more specific races, allowing rivalries like this to grow. And the introduction of the Battle Arena made professional events much more exciting.
Stopping at the starting line, completely naked apart from a pair of shoes, Koopa Troopa looked at his opponent. With a demonic smile, he lifted his hand to his own neck and motioned a slit throat. Toad tried to look as menacing as possible, resulting in his skin turning completely red and the spots on his mushroom-like head disappearing to a sickly yellow. Koopa Troopa laughed and turned his head towards the track.
This track was the simplest of all the tracks in the world, consisting of eight simple bends and around sixteen item boxes. I was in box seven. Lucky number seven. The boxes were located just after the second bend of the track. I wondered before the race why such an important duel was taking place on such an easy course. Maybe it was supposed to be a battle of wits. Maybe it was because right near the fifth bend, Star powder flew naturally through the air, giving them a cheap headlight as they raced. Whatever the reasons, the race was guaranteed to be an exciting one, no matter were it took place.
Out of the clouds, the race referee, Lakitu, appeared on his cloud. As always, the small orange creature held his fishing rod, complete with the traffic lights that would start the race. Before he started the race, I noticed something about his cloud that I had overlooked previously. It had a goddamn face! It was smiling away like it was chonging away on a joint of the finest Dino hash. This would be unsurprising. Rumour had it that Lakitu was involved in all sorts of shady vices. It was known that he was responsible for the mass Chomper trip out of 1987 to 1997. Apparently, he had poisoned the main Chomper water source with extracts of the elusive Black Mushrooms, which were highly illegal in the Mushroom Kingdom. All of the Chomper guards turned against their masters believing them to be giraffes who were armed and dangerous. They would obey nobody, causing chaos all over the world. A long trial followed. The jury found him not guilty. They were probably stoned on his stash at the time. Whatever he'd done, he obeyed the laws of the races. But that didn't stop his cloud freaking me out.
"I want a good, clean race. Remember, its not the winning that matters, it's the taking part," said a smirking Lakitu before activating the red light. The red light flashed. The drivers revved. The crowd went silent. The amber light flashed. The drivers exchanged final glances. Grandpa Toad farted. The green light flashed. Koopa Troopa hurtled forward. The crowd cheered. Toad's engine stalled, losing him valuable seconds before he could begin his race. Koopa Troopa's psych-out succeeded. He laughed as he tore around the second corner and rode towards the item boxes. Toad had now passed the first corner as was swiftly heading towards the second corner. Box three was activated. A green shell! He expelled it from his car almost immediately. It bounced of the barrier and ricocheted around the road. Toad hit box five, gaining a red shell, just what he needed to get in front of his adversary. Tightly pursuing Koopa Troopa, he unleashed the red shell just as his opponent reached the last corner before the starting line.
The shell smashed into the soldier with great tenacity, causing him to spin into the barrier. Toad passed him, laughing loudly at his victim's surprise. The commentator rambled on about the various properties of red and green shells as Toad went into lap two, closely followed by Bowser's loyal denizen. I watched the screen and saw box twelve and fifteen activated. I decided to say something to the others, who, like always, remained silent throughout the action.
"Is anybody else worried?" I asked, close to brown trouser time. They all turned towards me. The looked at me like I'd farted at a funeral.
"A bit."said the Mushroom, looking at the floor while the sounds of engines passed us by once more. Boxes three and nine. "I cannot help but feel that I'm next."
"I know how you feel," said the star, "I'm not afraid of being used. Its just knowing what lies afterwards, after our powers have been used."
"Listen to yourselves," said the lightning bolt, angrily, "you all sound like a bunch of pussies! I can't wait to be chosen!"
"Its ok for you," said the Boo, "you're remembered as the greatest power-up in the race. What about the green shell, or the banana skin? They're a load of shite!"
"Hey!" I shouted, "I won't be referred to li."
"OH NO!" Shouted the commentator, "Toad's in trouble now! For those at home check out this action replay!"
On the screen, Toad was shown leading, when Iggy Koopa stoop up in the crowd and hurled a large can at Toad with brilliant accuracy, shouting:
"Hey Toad, think fast!"
It twatted him on the head causing him to start driving like a maniac. He was obviously dazed by the undoubtedly practiced shot. The screen cut back to the race situation. Koopa Troopa passed over box six, gaining a Boo, when, hot on his heels, still dazed, Toad ran over box seven! My box!
The screen cycled through images of us all. Everybody waited for the outcome. It seemed to spend an eternity cycling and cycling. I tried to close my eyes, but my lack of eyelids stopped me. I tried to turn away, but my lack of legs stopped that as well. And then, it stopped.
"Banana Skin!"
The looks on the others faces still haunt me today. They didn't even blink a f***ing eye!
Everything suddenly went white. When my vision returned to normal, I was on the back of Toad's cart, watching the road pass me by. The car was swerving uncontrollably. I couldn't even see the road ahead of the car. I was saying my prayers when, suddenly, I was catapulted of the cart. Toad had used my secondary attack, but I don't think he had realised what he had done. I was flying through the air, away from the stadium. I saw the road and stands become dots in my vision. Everything went black. I couldn't see. I could only feel the wind, hearing it whistle as I flew through the clouds. Then, without warning, I hit the ground with a thud. Then, I heard a voice just before I blacked out completely.
"A new one."
Three days now without cars or races. I never thought my life would change so drastically after the race. Only a few days ago, I was sitting in the box with my pals, wondering who'd be next. I suppose it was cruel of whoever created me to make me sentient. I mean, who breathes life into a banana skin. They gave me eyes, and a brain. In fact, everything has eyes here. The clouds, the hills, even the goddamn trees can think for themselves. But why am I complaining? It could've been worse. They could have made me a bullet, or a flame. But then, at least I would have a purpose. No, all I do is sit around. I never even had a banana to wrap myself around, for god's sake! I was just a one trick pony. And just when I thought my life would turn around, it took a dump in my non-existent face instead.
* * * The Race, three days earlier.
"Welcome to the Mario circuit ladies and gentleman, we hope you enjoy what's guaranteed to be an exciting day racing!" From beneath the track, I could hear the announcer. It was as clear as my thoughts, but nowhere near as crazy. Or frustrated. "Scheduled for today are four events. First up, the end to an on-going rivalry, the final showdown, the speed-race to end all speed-races, Toad Vs. Koopa Troopa, in a five lap frenzy! Only one of these racers can take the Mushroom Cup home tonight!"
The crowd cheered as each name was announced. The annoying voice sported by the announcer still kept me intrigued, though. I had been following Toad and Koopa Troopa's rivalry since it began in the first tournament almost a six-months before. I was just in training back then, but the trainers showed us the races. We needed to see how others reacted in the field to help hone our own skills. I loved watching the races. They were always so exciting, and sometimes scary. The clashes Mario and Bowser sent fear down all the trainees. They knew, as I did, that one day, they might be in the same position as the banana skins used in those battles. We were all worried, but also kinda excited. Nobody knew what lay beyond the race tracks.
"Following that, a battle of the sexes, a war of two halves, Princess Peach versus Donkey Kong. Only time will tell who will prevail in this battle of gorilla like proportions." He was so cheesy. His voice was charismatic, so most of the audience ignored what he said and just concentrated on what was happening on the track. The final safety runs, the item box checking, the releasing of the moles. The voice just acted as a backdrop.
"Our third event will be a Father and son special, with Bowser facing his son, Bowser jr., in a 12 lap, no holds barred race in the special Ghost circuit. Make sure you keep your eyes on the race! We don't want the Boos to attack, now, do we?" The Boos were a common attraction in the races. It was always interesting to see the Ghost circuits. They would appear out of nowhere, darkening the sky, and frightening adults and children alike. I wasn't too fond of the Ghost circuits. The Boos freaked me out.
"And finally, our main event! A two on two battle royale in the centre arena. It has been anticipated since these competitors first took to the track six-months ago. Representing the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario Mario and Luigi Mario! And representing the Mushroom Underworld, Wario and Waluigi! Who will win this sure to be epic battle? Find out when the two teams lock horns in a couple of hours!" Ah, the highly anticipated battle of the twins. The academy was always filled with talk about this touchy event. It almost took naked women right out of my head when I thought about it. The idea of the four giants going two on two almost gave me a right stonker. But I always wondered if that was possible. I don't even have a penis.
It was at this point that the Royal Family of the Mushroom Kingdom's fanfare was played. The loud trumpet and clear percussion always sent a shiver through my skin. I listened and tried to sway with the beat, but, like always, my inanimateness halted the action, for it could not happen.
Then, after the tumultuous drumbeat came clashing to an end, the first race began. The crowd cheered as the two rivals came out onto the track. We could see the action on a small screen that was in the room with us. By the way, I don't believe I've introduced the rest of this box's inhabitants. There was me, the banana skin, the inaccurate green turtle shell, the highly accurate red turtle shell, a boo ghost (this guy was tamed to help the racers. He was also an expert at retrieving the rest of us from the opponents possession as well as stealth camo), the speed mushroom, the power star, and, the much revered, shrinking bolt. While we all in this room, we knew that one of us would be used this race when a driver rides over our box. Who left was completely randomised. The little speaker in the side of the wall told us who would leave, as well as a picture displayed on our race screen. When this happened, the aforementioned item would leave instantaneously and into the cart of the racer whom had ridden over our box. Up to now, I had never been picked. But all that was about to change.
Both racers made there way to the starting line, waving at their adoring fans. There were separate stands in this particular racing area. One was designated to the 'good' inhabitants of our world, the other for the 'bad'. The Royal family and toads accommodated the 'good' stand, as well as a few other humans who were allowed to watch the races, like Prof. E. Gadd. He was responsible for the creation of these state of the art racing tracks, which could change in shape and size at the flick of a switch. This stand also played host for the various tourists, like the Yoshis of Dinosaur land, and the citizens of Isle Delfino also found places like this to be hugely interesting.
The Koopa family accommodated the 'bad' stand, as well as their numerous cohorts and cronies, like the Goomba tribe and the mole people. Both of these groups of spectators were constantly at war outside of the stadium, because of some secret love affair between the Royal family's Princess Peach and the King Koopa, Bowser. Rumours among the item boxes included a secret love child, a dangerous threesome and something to do with feet, but nothing had been confirmed. Peach was in love with Mario, and that was the front of the whole thing, though nobody was ever completely sure. Dinosaur porn.
Toad blew his kisses. He had spent all of his adult life serving Princess Peach. The entire Royal family had the utmost respect for the diminutive driver. Dressed in his favourite white trousers and blue waistcoat, Toad drove his vehicle to the starting line. Scratching his spotted white head, he looked at the controls on his car. He looked like he didn't know what he was doing, but everybody knew it was a bluff. He did this every race to try and fool gamblers. Deep down, Toad was a money-grabbing fiend. If Koopa Troopa lost the race, all the money gambled on him would go to Toad. Because of there very equal record on the track, both competitors were said to be sitting on quite a gold mine. The bastard Scrooges only spent it on Star powder (I'll explain this later). Nobody else was said to see the cash, apart from the numerous dealers and prostitutes who were humble enough to accept their patronage.
Koopa Troopa flew out of his pit area. He was psyched up to the max. The last time these two had raced against each other, Koopa Troopa faced a humiliating defeat on the infamous Rainbow Road course. Knocked straight out by Toad, he lost total concentration and failed to get back in the race. Races were a lot more dramatic now that the Grand Prix league was over. There was room for more specific races, allowing rivalries like this to grow. And the introduction of the Battle Arena made professional events much more exciting.
Stopping at the starting line, completely naked apart from a pair of shoes, Koopa Troopa looked at his opponent. With a demonic smile, he lifted his hand to his own neck and motioned a slit throat. Toad tried to look as menacing as possible, resulting in his skin turning completely red and the spots on his mushroom-like head disappearing to a sickly yellow. Koopa Troopa laughed and turned his head towards the track.
This track was the simplest of all the tracks in the world, consisting of eight simple bends and around sixteen item boxes. I was in box seven. Lucky number seven. The boxes were located just after the second bend of the track. I wondered before the race why such an important duel was taking place on such an easy course. Maybe it was supposed to be a battle of wits. Maybe it was because right near the fifth bend, Star powder flew naturally through the air, giving them a cheap headlight as they raced. Whatever the reasons, the race was guaranteed to be an exciting one, no matter were it took place.
Out of the clouds, the race referee, Lakitu, appeared on his cloud. As always, the small orange creature held his fishing rod, complete with the traffic lights that would start the race. Before he started the race, I noticed something about his cloud that I had overlooked previously. It had a goddamn face! It was smiling away like it was chonging away on a joint of the finest Dino hash. This would be unsurprising. Rumour had it that Lakitu was involved in all sorts of shady vices. It was known that he was responsible for the mass Chomper trip out of 1987 to 1997. Apparently, he had poisoned the main Chomper water source with extracts of the elusive Black Mushrooms, which were highly illegal in the Mushroom Kingdom. All of the Chomper guards turned against their masters believing them to be giraffes who were armed and dangerous. They would obey nobody, causing chaos all over the world. A long trial followed. The jury found him not guilty. They were probably stoned on his stash at the time. Whatever he'd done, he obeyed the laws of the races. But that didn't stop his cloud freaking me out.
"I want a good, clean race. Remember, its not the winning that matters, it's the taking part," said a smirking Lakitu before activating the red light. The red light flashed. The drivers revved. The crowd went silent. The amber light flashed. The drivers exchanged final glances. Grandpa Toad farted. The green light flashed. Koopa Troopa hurtled forward. The crowd cheered. Toad's engine stalled, losing him valuable seconds before he could begin his race. Koopa Troopa's psych-out succeeded. He laughed as he tore around the second corner and rode towards the item boxes. Toad had now passed the first corner as was swiftly heading towards the second corner. Box three was activated. A green shell! He expelled it from his car almost immediately. It bounced of the barrier and ricocheted around the road. Toad hit box five, gaining a red shell, just what he needed to get in front of his adversary. Tightly pursuing Koopa Troopa, he unleashed the red shell just as his opponent reached the last corner before the starting line.
The shell smashed into the soldier with great tenacity, causing him to spin into the barrier. Toad passed him, laughing loudly at his victim's surprise. The commentator rambled on about the various properties of red and green shells as Toad went into lap two, closely followed by Bowser's loyal denizen. I watched the screen and saw box twelve and fifteen activated. I decided to say something to the others, who, like always, remained silent throughout the action.
"Is anybody else worried?" I asked, close to brown trouser time. They all turned towards me. The looked at me like I'd farted at a funeral.
"A bit."said the Mushroom, looking at the floor while the sounds of engines passed us by once more. Boxes three and nine. "I cannot help but feel that I'm next."
"I know how you feel," said the star, "I'm not afraid of being used. Its just knowing what lies afterwards, after our powers have been used."
"Listen to yourselves," said the lightning bolt, angrily, "you all sound like a bunch of pussies! I can't wait to be chosen!"
"Its ok for you," said the Boo, "you're remembered as the greatest power-up in the race. What about the green shell, or the banana skin? They're a load of shite!"
"Hey!" I shouted, "I won't be referred to li."
"OH NO!" Shouted the commentator, "Toad's in trouble now! For those at home check out this action replay!"
On the screen, Toad was shown leading, when Iggy Koopa stoop up in the crowd and hurled a large can at Toad with brilliant accuracy, shouting:
"Hey Toad, think fast!"
It twatted him on the head causing him to start driving like a maniac. He was obviously dazed by the undoubtedly practiced shot. The screen cut back to the race situation. Koopa Troopa passed over box six, gaining a Boo, when, hot on his heels, still dazed, Toad ran over box seven! My box!
The screen cycled through images of us all. Everybody waited for the outcome. It seemed to spend an eternity cycling and cycling. I tried to close my eyes, but my lack of eyelids stopped me. I tried to turn away, but my lack of legs stopped that as well. And then, it stopped.
"Banana Skin!"
The looks on the others faces still haunt me today. They didn't even blink a f***ing eye!
Everything suddenly went white. When my vision returned to normal, I was on the back of Toad's cart, watching the road pass me by. The car was swerving uncontrollably. I couldn't even see the road ahead of the car. I was saying my prayers when, suddenly, I was catapulted of the cart. Toad had used my secondary attack, but I don't think he had realised what he had done. I was flying through the air, away from the stadium. I saw the road and stands become dots in my vision. Everything went black. I couldn't see. I could only feel the wind, hearing it whistle as I flew through the clouds. Then, without warning, I hit the ground with a thud. Then, I heard a voice just before I blacked out completely.
"A new one."