Disclaimer: I don't own any characters created by JK Rowling or this would definitely be published in a Harry Potter book. Oh, and I'm not delusional enough to think I own the pope, Paris Hilton, Twiggy, Yoko One, or anyone else mentioned.
About fifty years ago, two young boys were aboard the Hogwarts Express. Although they were strangers, they soon became best friends and would often answer questions "idk by bff tom or idk my bff joe". Tom Marvalo Riddle was one of the brightest students the school had ever seen. Joseph Alois Ratzinger was just as bright, but if many of his thoughts were revealed one would be constantly muttering good morals (sarcastically) constantly! You see, Ratzinger was quite a naughty wizard who planned to take over the world and hoped wizards all over would shudder if his name were uttered. He kept this side hidden from Tom Riddle, who had great ideas about fighting evil and finding love. He (Ratzinger) also had secret fetishes/obsessions with omelets (thus he would be named after one), mailboxes, forks, Cedric Diggory (the first), and spoons, especially acid. You see he had plans to not only create an army of inferi Catholic Buddhists but also to umm… I actually forget but it was really diabolic trust me and would rival the corruption Lindsay Lohan caused to Tara Reid, Paris Hilton, and Voldemort on the mountain that Jesus had to rescue from corruption.
They were both put in Slytherin… The future pope for his tenebrosity and Tom merely for his parseltongueness and ambition to fight evil. Soon Ratzinger was sorely jealous of his friend's hotness and him being friends with Cedric. One day during a private lesson with Grindelwald, the future pope had discovered about horcruxes and decided they were of utmost importance in order to maintain his life once he began to take over the world. He decided to make Tom a horcrux, because no one would ever consider harming or even be able to harm such an innocent, charming, albeit dangerous creature. One night he killed Mr. Binns, his history of magic teacher, because he gave him an evil glare much like the ones Colleen would give Jina in 8th grade. Off of this murder, he then transferred the most evil part of his soul to Tom. Tom caught him in the act and a row ensued.
Cedric Diggory arrived at the scene to aid his friend Tom. They conjured a manatee and a pineapple from mid air and began a horrid Joseph beating. Next, Joseph forked them and shoved spoons down their throat. Fighting off the hallucinations, Cedric and Tom proceeded to throw the floor at him. However, a strange desire overcome Ratzinger as he imperioed Cedric to make them start snogging. Tom was horrified to Ratzinger attempting to be such a manatee to his friend that he set the basilisk on him (previously reserved to kill only fugly melskanks like Myrtle). This scared Ratzinger away and he threw Cedric at the snake. However, Tom accioed him closer like Harry would do his grandson's dead body and prevented him from going ghoust. Joseph's plans to take over the world would have to start in the muggle world in order to hold a rebellion first, so he sought off on a long path to become Pope. Since he couldn't fly like Tom can, he jumped into a fork with wings and flew away. He became very paranoid about assassination even with his horcrux and would ride around in a popemobile. Tom Riddle never wanted to be known as Tom Riddle, who was friends with such a horrid creature, so he changed his name to a more acceptable one- Lord Voldemort. His evilness was only due to the pope horcrux in him. You see it encouraged him to split his own soul and eventually his soul was 1/8th his own and the rest Ratzinger! Therefore, Lily Evans, Snape, James Potter, Cedric Diggory, Frank, the muggle 3/5ths a horse (albeit if she was like Hortense Briggs- honestly no one cares that she was murdered), Bertha Jorkins, the Albanian peasant, Hepzibah Smith, Tom's dad, his grandma, and his grandfather really need not have died if it weren't for the pope. Then to make it worse, Ratzinger decided to make another horcrux. Putting it in another witch or wizard seemed to be best, especially a powerful one that wouldn't get killed by his former best friend, so he went to visit Hogwarts. He met a young girl, one Bellatrix Black, and decided to make her a horcrux and stuck the most deranged crazy insanely evil part of his soul in her. When she wasn't evil, she had extradionary powers that she used to further the protection of mudbloods and half-breeds and would crucio anyone with a pureblood attitude. She loved flowers, sunshine, and rainbows. She then with the new soul inside of her joined Voldemort. Without this second horcrux, Neville's dad, Alice Longbottom, Sirius Black, Dobby, Tonks, Neville and more need not have died and slash or been tortured slash been left with parents who love to give them empty gum wrappers. However, this would be fine if only she could have defenestrated or at least murdered Ron (that jealous git)! Also, the pope looked into his horcruxes and discovered despite the evil and her husband who was kind of lame anyway and nearly named after a reindeer with a red nose Bellatrix had learned to truly love Voldemort and the person he really was. Ratzinger was horrified. What is love but a weakness, which is not to be found in any acceptable horcrux? He decided if one of his horcruxes could overcome this power he must make another, who was Dobby, since he thought no one would hurt an adorable elf… not the best plan but og my gom! he went to the battle at Hogwarts "Not my daughter you BITCH!" he heard a fugly woman with horrid red hair yell as she proceeded to attack and kill his horcrux as his first horcrux screamed with anger… Now this was not acceptable, but he got to thinking… Who else a better horcrux than this Weasler who caused his other horcruxes such pain??? So he stuck some of his menacing, diabolic soul in this woman after killing some random old man with long nasty white hair that looked quite prudent… realizing he just tried to kill a ghoust he ran and then proceeded to murder Paris Hilton, who had just fallen from the sky… He then made the Weasler Woman a horcrux vowing she would take out her anger and menace on her nasty children. He then saw the British fashion icon Twiggy falling in slow motion down the astronomy tower as an evil karate master Yoko Ono laughed cruelly. Although confused, he managed to escape back to the muggle world.
When Ratzinger, now named after the omelettes he loves so much, heard "JK JK JK JK JK Rowling?" was documented the Dark Lord's history he decided to condemn them. He was merely afraid she would figure out how he turned the once innocent Tom Marvalo Riddle evil and loveless, publish it in one of the books, and turn his muggle forces away from him.
And that is the story of why the pope doesn't approve of Harry Potter books!
Note: Some words can be interpreted to have double meanings.
Fork- bong
Spoons- drugs
Pineapple- lesbian
Manatee- rapist