Heartbreak
A 4.20 Episode Coda - During the "I serve Heaven..." scene, Cas feels.
He exchanges one more weary glance with the woman -who will never see her husband again, allows himself one more gaze at the girl who is destined to grow up without a father. There is nothing more he can do here, so he turns to go... Perhaps the inevitable can be delayed for one more hour, one more day... one more... It does not matter. He knows he is being foolish to hope but if he doesn't speak with them...with him... then they can all go on living with one more shred of hope as the darkness closes in.
But he has spent enough time with the other to know he will say something, and then Castiel will have to answer. And after that, everything is going to come crashing down. So he turns his back and begins to move. And just as he expected, he barely manages to take half a step when Dean's voice calls after him, soft... familiar, and Castiel longs to revel in it for a little bit longer.
"Cas, hold up."
He pauses back still to everyone else, and knows that there is no choice about what must happen next. As much as he desperately wishes it were not so. He cannot put a name to the emotion that is running through his borrowed vessel but he feels as though he is about to shatter into thousands of pieces; as though he has been stabbed straight through but he is still alive.
Heartbreak
Jimmy's voice whispers through his mind, before uttering another phrase and falling silent once more.
Guess we both get to leave something behind.
Castiel has nothing to say in reply, and turns slowly around as Dean begins speaking once again. "What were you gonna to tell me."
And he sounds curious, hoping for something... anything, and the angel can barely meet his gaze. But if he looks away now, Dean will not believe him and he does not think he has the strength to do this again.
Emotionlessly, in a deathly hollow voice he responds, " I learned my lesson while I was away, I serve Heaven. I don't serve man," and the cutting blow to make sure that the message is sent, "and I certainly don't serve you."
There is no anger behind the words, in fact there is nothing at all. His face does not change, and his voice stays even; but more than anything he wants to sayI'm sorry... I wish there was a way.But he cannot, and as he sees the temprary confusion form in the green eyes - that he is sure will soon turn into anger or hurt - he has done what he has been ordered to.
After his... punishment...they did not threaten to send Dean back to hell, though he was told that would have been most appropriate. Because they still need him. But Sam, demon tainted Samuel, they laughed, they barely need an excuse for him. So they used his forbidden affections against him. And the order came down along with the snap of whips. "Cut ties and serve heaven fully without misguided alliances with lowly humans and maybe they will keep the tainted man alive one more day". And they are watching. They are always watching and he hates them, the word comes unbidden from the depths of his mind. But he will not, cannot hurt Dean in such a way. If Sam were to fall, he is certain Dean would as well, and then there would be nothing at all.
This is a war and there are sacrifices, still he can't bear to look away even as his feet carry him towards the door. This may be the last moment that everything is okay. After he leaves this room there will be no turning back. But he has to, and he hopes he can one day be forgiven for the pain he knows he just caused the other. And prays it does not feel even remotely close to the agony he is experiencing, as he finally makes it out of the rundown building. He is not worth that. He should not have gotten close, but he let himself get attached anyway and now he is paying the price.
He can do nothing now but await orders. And in a flash the only evidence that there was an angel previously occupying the spot on the soil is one extra little drop of water, that did not come from the sky.