He was gone. A swift night of pleasure, and he was gone. He was gone to become Jounin, to find glory.
Bullshit.
He was gone for another reason, Ino knew that.
And she was the only one to know the real reason behind his actions.
He was gone, just like that, and it was all her fault. If only…God, how stupid she had been, launching herself at him like a tart. He was desperate and she couldn't offer him consoling words, only her body. And maybe he didn't even want it. He had taken her right there, maybe to compensate his grief, maybe to lessen his anger. Not for love, never for love.
And now, Ino was crying her heart out to the night, with the moon watching over her, irriverent spy of her sorrow.
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
She couldn't repeat other than that, when she thought about it. So she had chosen to avert him, to remove all that from her mind. It was not so difficult, since he vanished by himself from her life, from her house, from her days.
I hate you Shikamaru, I hate you with the same intensity I loved you with.
So it was disconcerting when suddenly she found him before her. Simply, unexplainably before her. And her wall of lies crashed down on her.
They bumped into each other, like in one of her stupid romatic fantasies, and he held out his hand to help her up. When she had already prepared her most dazzling smile to thank that gallant stranger, the smile froze on her lips.
Shikamaru.
They stared into the other's eyes for a long time, silently defying the other to say something.
Anything to break a silence that was not the confortable one they shared lying on the grass, enjoying each other's company.
This silence was cool and stagnant, soaked with anger, hate, embarrassment.
"Hi" said Shikamaru. Simply.
"Hi, Ino" he repeated while she was turning away, anger swelling up at his unreal politeness.
"Could you please tell me what the hell do you want from me, Shikamaru?" she asked through gritted teeth, all of a sudden.
"Ino" he said in a strange tone…uncertainty? "it's been barely a month …"
"Barely a month?" she laughed tensely "It's never been a day, not a single day ever that I don't remember with you in it, in my entiere life, Shikamaru. Barely a month? Do me a favour, take your pity elesewhere". Then she took off, but an arm held her in place, and in a twisted motion she found herself pressed against him.
"Let me go" she hissed against his chest. God, now she really seemed one of those heroins from romance novels: he was making all the right moves; only, he didn't intend it like she did.
"Let me go" she spat venomously.
"We have to talk" he said with his usual calmness.
"Not here" she responded.
"Let's go elsewhere, then" he replied and, without letting go of her hand, he took her to his house.
Ino felt embarassed to greet Shikamaru's parents: they loved her so much but they didn't realize how their own son was. How the hell did Shikamaru come out of the two of them? If only...
Without realizing it, she had let herself be guided to Shikamaru's room. She had been there endless times, and she could tell an anecdote for every single piece of fourniture, for every single drawer, for every single toy. She could exactly describe the right disposition of his things, every corner of his memories...but the only thing that came to her memory in that precise instant was his door. The same door she was pressed against, pushed by his body, in a sudden frenzy that nobody would have associated to the boy, but whom he was capable of, God be witness. And that same God could have seen in the blink of an eye that the same passion burned inside of her, the same passion that had doomed her to that hell.
"Why did you bring me here?" she asked in a whisper.
Shikamaru lifted his head, as if he were immersed in his thoughts.
"Shikamaru, what do you want from me?"
Stupid, stupid, stupid. The tears she had tried to hold back were now folwing freely from her eyes. Weak, stupid, she kept insulting herself.
Shikamaru hesitated: "An explanation" he whispered.
Ino could not resist. She began crying in earnest: what the hell did he want from her? Didn't he think he had tortured her enough? Didn't he…
"Shikamaru we're going shopping, then we'll drop by to Choza. Do you want to come along?" Shikato called from the stairs.
"Not today, dad" the boy replied while Ino was trying in vain to sigh in silence.
And she hated herself for that. She didn't want to cry anymore, she didn't want to cry in front of Shikamaru, she didn't want to show her fragility...
"Ino" he said, not knowing what to say, not knowing what to do. He wanted to take her in his arms, he wanted to calm her somehow. But he didn't do any of that.
He was damned afraid to touch her, to make her suffer, again. He wasn't stupid: someone thought Ino to be a superficial girl, but he knew better. And he, the one that knew her better, had hurt her in the most cruel way.
"Ino…" he repeated.
"Shikamaru, you don't have to…" she said raising her hand while the other one was trying to cover her reddening face. "Now I'm going home, and you can do whatever you have to do, ok? And…don't worry, it's all right.".
"Ino, it's not all right, and you know it."
"Really? Judging from your attitude it is. And you know what, Shikamaru? Why the hell would you care about me, when all you search for is your quietness, hn? Don't worry, I'll give you your answer: we're not a team anymore, so you don't have to pretend to care about what I think or what I feel. You are free, you can go. What else do you want?" she hissed still crying, searching for the doorknob with her hand.
"I'm not free," he whispered, "I'll never be free".
"Then forgive me…" she interrupted him, "forgive me if I'm as not smart as you, if I'm not unbeatable, if I'm not like Chouji, if I cannot replace Asuma…forgive me for being troublesome all the time, forgive me if I'm not what you want!" That said she pushed the door hard. But a hand contrasted her force.
"Don't go," his grasp on her hand was firm; his voice, however, trembled. He seemed lost, as lost as he was a month ago.
Ino turned around to find herself between the door and Shikamaru's body.
"Can you please tell me what the hell do you want from me, Shikamaru?" she asked almost desperately.
The boy didn't answer, but lay his head on her chest, breathing slowly.
No, she couldn't let it happen again, but Shikamaru seeemed so lost, and fragile, and…it seemed like, for once in her life, he was the one to need her.
Against her intentions, she saw her own hand lift up and slowly caress his head, descending towards his chest and sliding across his waist to hug him.
She loved him and she couldn't deny it anymore.
She had spent an entire month trying to change her love in indifference, and Shikamaru in a few minutes had turned the tables to his benefit. And she realized she could no longer hate him.
Then she felt herself being lifted up, and in a few seconds she was on Shikamaru's bed. Ino was scared, her blood boiling in her veins and she didn't know if it was from fear or excitement.
She felt Shikamaru lie beside her, his breath warm on her neck.
"Forgive me" he murmured. "I could only see myself: my grief, my anger. And I looked only at me because everywhere else there was you: in my thoughts, in my memories...in my desires...".
Ino's eyes widened to the implications of his words.
"Ino" Shikamaru said laying his head on his hand and making her look at him in the eye with the other one, under her chin "You were there, unbearably beautiful, and you were for me...The truth is, it didn't feel right rejoicing over finding you when Asuma – sensei died. It felt like I was betraying his memory. Then I understood. Kurenai is pregnant, did you know?" he said in a whisper. "When I heard that, I realized it was worthless to fight, if you don't have a reason to do it. And I didn't know it back then, but I always fought for you."
She had resumed caressing him, and when he looked at her with uncertainty in his eyes, she smiled and leaned towards him. It was a light butterfly kiss. Then another smile. Then another kiss, and another smile. A glimpse of redemption.
"Ino, I'm sorry, I…I did a terribile thing to you" Shikamaru whispered on her lips.
"It was the most beautiful moment of my life," she answered smiling sweetly. "And I don't feel like I'm betraying Asuma – sensei memory if I say so, Shika" she murmured, her face close to his. "It doesn't seem like that to me, because he entrusted me to look out for you. And I did that."
"But I…" he tried to say.
"I love you Shika…" she said silencing him with her hand and kissing him on the cheek "and I still love you" a kiss on his forehead "madly" a kiss on his lips.
"Be the one to help me, now" she whispered pushing her body against him for another kiss.
Finding redemption.