06/20/10
This is my second story, my first for Twilight. This one-shot is two long years in the making, but I decided I wouldn't be pleased until it was finished and posted. It takes place at Bella and Edward's wedding reception, when she talks to Jake in the trees, but I changed it. I hope you enjoy!
Before You Leave
Jacob's POV
"I was the natural path your life would have taken."
Those words haunt me daily. I know they're true. And so does she. If everyone had died when they were supposed to, if we lived in a normal world, neither I nor Bella would be in any pain. If the world was perfect, with no magic, with no monsters, she wouldn't have questioned her love for me. I am her soul mate and she is mine. In a perfect world.
It doesn't take any large amount of intelligence to realize, to know, we don't live in a perfect world. Our love was doomed from the minute she decided to come home. To come to Forks. There was no way around it. Yet I still fell for her. I continue to love her, even after she is gone.
She chose her life…er—existence. It didn't leave much room for me. She couldn't have us both, not the way we wanted her. And none of us were prepared to fight forever. She didn't erase me from her life. Actually, she tried her hardest to keep me from erasing her. She wanted me to remain a part of her life. She thought I could still be her best friend. I wanted to still be her best friend. I wanted it so bad. More than I've ever wanted anything—except for her.
I tried. I really did. I tried to put on a brave face and act like it wasn't killing me to do it. I tried to see her as the girl I fell in love with. My Bella. But I couldn't keep up the charade for long.
I waited until I had a plausible excuse to leave. Until she wasn't anything close to my Bella anymore. I went to the wedding, hid in the shadows. I'm surprised her husband didn't tell her I was there. Actually, I asked him not to in the split second we made eye contact, in my head. I was turning to leave when she noticed the movement in the trees. I kept walking, though I didn't get far before she caught up with me.
"Jake."
I wasn't hurrying so she didn't have to yell at me or rush to catch up.
I stopped moving, but didn't turn around.
Neither of us said anything for a few minutes. But I could feel her eyes on my back. She was fidgeting, shuffling her feet.
"I'm glad you came. I knew Edward would send an invite behind my back. I just didn't want—"
"He explained," I cut her off. "In a letter, stuffed in the invitation."
"Oh."
"I'm grateful to him. For giving me the option you didn't want to." The words came out colder than I'd intended and she noticed. They weren't entirely honest either. I would have gone anyway. Nothing could keep me from seeing Bella on her wedding day, even if I couldn't be her groom.
"Jacob…I didn't want to hurt you. I've caused you enough pain because of all this. I was sure you'd suffered enough at my hand."
I finally turned to look at her and my breath caught in my throat. I nearly choked. She was closer than I'd thought. I knew she looked beautiful because to me, Bella always looked beautiful. But up close, with her hair like that and what little makeup she wore, she was breathtaking. Literally.
My eyes began to sting with the tears I had been internally warring with all summer. I forced myself not to break down and sob every day, especially not in front of her. Especially not on her wedding day. I was trying to be her best friend, and your best friend is supposed to be happy for you when you get married to the man you love. Except that the lee—he isn't the only man she loves.
"Congratulations. Really. I mean it. I know you'll be happy with him…" I said aloud, then muttered, too quiet for her to hear, "part of the time."
"Thank you, Jake. You don't know what that means to me, even if you're only saying it for my benefit. I just wish I didn't have to break your heart to have that happiness…" she trailed off. I knew exactly what she was trying to say.
Getting her to admit it was the most difficult part, but not the hardest. The hardest part was knowing she'd accepted that she was in love with me too and still chose him. I could see the torment in her eyes every time we met after she made her final decision. She wanted him, but part of her (a quite dominant part, apparently) wanted me too. She was set on marrying him, that wouldn't change, but I could see the gears working in her head. She was trying to find a way to keep us both, even after the wedding. There was no doubt in her mind that she could not live without her vampire, but she didn't know how to live without me either.
I didn't know how to live without her. I'd learned how hard it was to not have her in my life when the werewolf gene had taken effect. There were still too many unknowns and I couldn't take the risk of hurting her, physically, or of her finding out. So I cut her out, which was one of the most painful things I've ever had to do in my life. And then I realized that she already knew my secret, I just had to make her remember. Once that was accomplished, life got easier and almost went back to normal. I almost had her…when they came back.
I glanced up when the music started again and Bella turned to look at the reception behind her. Charlie was dancing with Alice and Edward was dancing with Esme. She turned back to me with a look of inspiration on her face.
"One dance…before you leave?"
"Sure, sure," was my automatic response. A small smirk graced her beautiful features, a smirk I knew very well. That smirk was only for me.
I stepped toward her and she put her arms around my neck when my hands found her waist. We started our slow rotations to the music.
"So how are things in La Push?"
She was trying to keep the conversation light and friendly, steering away from anything awkward or painful. It worked. For the duration of the song, we talked and joked and laughed like we used to. We were Jake and Bells again, if only for a few minutes.
When the song stopped, so did we. She looked into my eyes for a few long seconds and then quickly closed the distance between us. Her arms were still around my neck and she was holding on for dear life.
"I don't know if I can do this, Jake. I don't know if I can say goodbye to you for good. I need you."
"I know, Bells. I need you, too. Let's make a deal, right here, right now. We won't say goodbye until we absolutely have to. Until there is no other choice. And even after we say goodbye, we won't ever forget how much we love each other, how much we mean to one another. Deal?"
She hesitated. She didn't ever want to say goodbye, and secretly, I was hoping the day never came when we had to. But that was all I could do for her, for me. Finally, she agreed.
"Deal."
We stood there, holding each other, for a few more minutes. I was concentrating very hard on her scent, which I had long ago memorized. Her face was tucked into the crook of my neck. I could feel her tears running down my bare shoulder.
"Bella, honey, please don't cry. If you start crying, I might start crying too."
"I'm so sorry, Jake. I love you so much. I really do. I don't know what to do without you. I don't think I can live without you. My sun. What am I supposed to do without my sun? This is just so hard! I never wanted to hurt you and lately, it seems like everything I do hurts you a little more."
I quickly moved my arms from where they were wrapped around her waist to rest on her shoulders and pushed her away. Holding her at arm's length, I looked directly into her eyes.
"Stop it. Stop, Bells. I can't live without you either. I don't want to live without you. I'll be here. Until your heart stops beating. Like we agreed. After that, I can't make any guarantees, but I'll try my best. I promise. I love you. I've always loved you."
I knew the look in her eyes as soon as I saw it. She began to lean forward, despite my grip on her shoulders. I couldn't have stopped her, even if I'd wanted to, which I didn't. Our lips met and the passion was overwhelming. She really did love me; I could feel it with every movement of our lips. The second her lips reached mine, I saw everything. I saw our wedding, and the glorious honeymoon. I saw us packing the boxes to move into our first home, Bella waddling around with her baby bump. I saw Billy and Charlie at the hospital, each holding a little bundle with black hair. I saw the two of us, gray haired and wrinkled, surrounded by our children and grandchildren at Christmas time.
She pulled away from me, sooner than I'd liked, with a sharp gasp. Her eyes, still red from crying, were now also wide with shock.
"You saw it again, didn't you? Our future. I saw it too."
Her eyes closed as she released the breath I hadn't realized she was holding.
"Jake, I can't do this…I just can't. We both know what the future holds for me, no matter what my choice is. With you, I can have a family and keep my friends and my parents. Nothing has to change from what it is right now. But with him, everything freezes. Am I ready to lose everything and everyone I love?"
"Bells, you've already chosen. You're already married. You can't change your mind now. As much as I wish it weren't true…it's too late for us."
"No, it's not. It's not too late. I haven't changed yet. Here." She grabbed my hand and placed it directly over her heart, and mine started racing. With the neckline of her dress as low as it was, there was no barrier between the flesh of my palm and her chest. I could feel not only her heartbeat, but her warmth as well. "Until my heart stops beating. Jake, it's still beating. There's still time. I could go talk to Edward and explain."
"Bella, I won't let you do that. I can't."
"Jake, I made a mistake. You know that. Why are you fighting me on this? I thought this was what you wanted."
"It is. More than anything, I want you. I wanted you to choose me and love me and marry me. But it's too late now. I fought as hard as I could. I got you to admit that you're in love with me too. There's nothing left that I can do. Because I know that you're in love with me. I've always known that. But you love him too. And you already know that you can't live without him. I won't do that to you. I won't have you become a zombie again, just so I can have what I want."
"But it's what I want too, Jake."
"I'm not all that you want. If you left him and chose me, you wouldn't always be happy. You won't always be happy with him either, because there will always be the hole where I should be and the 'what if's' but you've already made your choice. Deep down, I always knew you would choose him. But I fought for you, right to the end. I don't have any fight left in me…and I don't think you do either."
I didn't know I had all that in me, but I wasn't the only one who was surprised by my words.
"I can't believe I'm hearing this. You're…turning me away?"
"You've already turned away from me. I'm just letting you have what you want. I love you, Bells. You know I always will, I'll be here, until your heart stops beating. But for now, I have to go. And you should get back to your reception. They will be wondering where you are soon."
I gave her a very quick hug and a soft kiss on the lips before turning away. I didn't give her a chance to say anything or respond in any way, I just knew the longer I stood there, the harder it would be for me to walk away.
I had crossed maybe ten feet when I heard her feeble voice.
"I love you, Jacob."
She watched me about half a minute longer, then returned to the party. I listened to her retreating footsteps and continued on my way.
"Goodbye, Bella."
She never heard me.
Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed it. Please leave me a review with your thoughts and/or comments.
I tried to stay as true to the characters as possible, but once you read enough fan fiction without re-reading the books, it's easy to get confused about the true characters. Again, most of this was written two years ago, so I probably wouldn't write it the same way if I started it today. But that doesn't mean I would change everything about it. Lol.
Thanks again!
Bethany :)