THIS STORY IS WRITTEN FOR PLEASURE NOT PROFIT AND IS NOT MEANT TO INFRINGE ON ANY KNOWN COPYRIGHT
THE DARK VOID
A Bonanza Story
by Kate
Spring, possibly the most magical of the seasons as the Earth regenerates itself after the cold, dark days of winter.
Ben Cartwright felt a sense of satisfaction as he looked about him, a soft breeze soughed through the pine trees and rippled the verdant grass, he could feel the soft caress of the gentle spring sunshine on his skin, almost taste the sharp, clear air that brought a feeling of exhilaration to his spirit. His eyes fell on the corral where his youngest son, Joe, was about to attempt to break a spirited palomino pony, it's coat glowing gold in the sunlight.
Ben strolled across to watch, Joe glancing up, saw his father and flashed a quick smile in Ben's direction as he prepared to mount the horse. Ben felt the familiar burst of pride as he returned his son's smile. Joe at twenty one was a handsome young man, slight of build with tousled dark curls and flashing green eyes. Blessed, or cursed, with a mercurial temperament he was quick to anger, joy and despair, an impetuous, fiery boy whom his father loved dearly.
Joe's oldest brother Adam, Ben's eldest son, strode across from the other side of the corral to join his father. "Good looking horse." He remarked as he reached Ben's side.
His father looked across at the palomino, as it stood tossing its head and flicking its almost white tail, pawing impatiently at the ground. "Should make a fine addition to the stock." He replied. Adam, at thirty-three, a darkly handsome man, well educated and widely read, was Ben's right hand on the Ponderosa, helping with the many administrative duties of running the vast ranch.
Both men turned to watch as Joe finally mounted the palomino, who tensed and then began to buck, trying to dislodge the unfamiliar and uncomfortable weight from his back. Joe had broken many a horse before and Ben felt relatively unconcerned as he watched his son fight to control the animal.
Then suddenly the horse stumbled, it's right foreleg seemingly giving way causing the creature to pitch forward. Caught by surprise, Joe lost his seating and fell heavily from the horses back landing head first on the hard packed earth.
Almost instantaneously Adam was over the corral fence, grabbing for the palomino's reins as it regained it's footing, dragging the animal away from the ominously still form of his younger brother. Quickly he calmed the creature and tethered it to the fence, then ran to join his father who was kneeling beside Joe, gently checking his son's motionless body for injuries.
"Go for the doctor, Adam." Ben said tersely, glancing up at his eldest son. "I'll get Joseph into the house." With that he lifted Joe in his arms.
Adam opened the gate of the corral to let his father and brother through, then sprinted toward the stable to saddle his horse.
****
"Well, Ben, there's nothing broken and I don't see any signs of internal injuries." Ben breathed a sigh of relief as the doctor finished examining Joe and replaced the covers over the young man's immobile form. "Took a nasty blow to the head though." The doctor continued, picking up his bag. "Likely he'll be unconscious for some time, let me know if there are any problems when he comes round, blurred vision, anything that doesn't seem right, hopefully he'll just have a mighty sore head."
Ben gently smoothed the soft curls from his son's forehead then turned to thank the doctor and escort him downstairs, leaving Adam to keep watch over his brother.
"Any problems, let me know at once." The doctor repeated climbing aboard his buggy.
"I will." Ben assured him and watched as the buggy departed, then turned and re-entered the house, climbing the stairs to Joe's bedroom.
Adam looked up as his father entered the room. "Think I should go fetch Hoss?" He asked quietly.
Ben's middle son was visiting friends in Carson City and was not due back for a few more days. "The doctor seems to think Joe will be all right." Ben answered, his gaze turning to the young man so still in the bed, his dark curls a sharp contrast to the white pillow he lay against. "No need to worry Hoss."
****
Ben had been sitting by his son's bedside for the last four hours and was beginning to consider getting the doctor back, when at last Joe began to show signs of a return to consciousness. Watching as his son's eyelids flickered open Ben sent up a silent prayer of thanks. Reaching out he gently caressed Joe's head. "Well you gave us quite a scare." He smiled as his son's green eyes gazed up at him. A quizzical expression crossed the young mans face. Ben felt dismay flood through him as Joe jerked his head violently away from his father's touch.
"What...what happened? What's going on?" Joe's voice was touched with panic.
"Calm down, Joseph." Ben reached for his son again, and again his youngest child jerked away. "You fell from that palomino you were breaking and knocked yourself out." He explained, his eyes searching Joe's face. There was something very wrong here, Ben realized, it was Joe's face before him and yet somehow unlike his precious son. There was no light in the green eyes, only puzzlement showing on the handsome young face. "Joe." He breathed softly.
Joe struggled to sit upright, then turned to face Ben. "I'm sorry, I don't understand..." His voice fell away as his gaze swept the room and then returned to the anxious face of his father. "This doesn't make sense." He continued softly. "You say I fell off a horse?"
Ben nodded in reply.
"What horse?" The panicked note had returned to Joe's voice. "Where? Here?" He saw Ben nod again and rushed on. "But where is here? I don't remember, I don't remember anything!"
A cold dread clutched at Ben's heart at Joe's words; suddenly he realized what he had sensed moments before. Yes, it was Joe who sat in the bed before him, Joe's face, and Joe's features and yet it was as if a stranger stared out at him from his own sons' eyes.
Dusk had fallen, though the last vestiges of the setting sun still showed in the sky. Lamplight spilled from the open door of the Ponderosa ranch house as the doctor once again prepared to take his leave.
"I'm sure it's just temporary, Ben." He assured his old friend, adjusting his hat and grasping the reins of his buggy, he regarded the man beside him. "Head injuries are strange things." He explained. "So much about the workings of the brain are unknown to us, give it a few days and I'm sure Joe will remember everything."
"I hope that's so." Ben sighed. "Because at the moment it's like someone else is up there in Joe's room, like my son is gone."
"Try not to worry." the doctor advised. "Time and plenty of rest are my prescription. No harm trying to jog his memory a little though." He continued. "Talk about special times, events that he should remember, but don't push too hard, I'm sure in time his memory will return naturally."
****
Ben stood in the doorway of Joe's room, watching Adam talking quietly to his brother, his voice calm and reassuring. Joe lay back on the pillows, his eyes fixed on Adam's face, and in the soft glow of the lamplight he looked so young, thought Ben, so vulnerable. Memories chased through his mind as he regarded the scene before him. Joe as a baby, so tiny and helpless, a small child, trusting and carefree catching his fathers hand as they walked together, the older boy, never still, mischievous and often in trouble but always with a loving, caring look for his father that could melt Ben's heart and made it difficult to discipline his incorrigible youngest son. Bringing himself back to the present he listened to what Adam was saying.
"And all this means nothing to you?" He was asking his younger brother, his tone holding a trace of disbelief.
Joe shook his head "No." He replied slowly. "I try to recall, but it's like..." He groped for a description. "A huge dark void, like nothing existed before I woke up this afternoon."
Adam's dark eyes met his fathers as he turned from his brother to greet the older man. Ben motioned Adam out of the room then approached Joe who watched him silently from the bed.
"I think it's time we all got some sleep." Ben advised. "Perhaps things will look different in the morning. Goodnight, Joseph." With that he turned and followed Adam from the room, feeling a great desire to return to Joe, hold him tightly as he had done so many times in his life and try to force his son to remember. But he knew that any attempt to touch Joe would surely be rebuffed by the stranger that dwelt in Joe's mind.
Adam was waiting for his father on the landing. "This just seems so inconceivable." He blurted out as Ben joined him. "I've talked to him for an hour or more and it's...well...It's kind of eerie, I know that it's Joe, I can see that it's Joe and yet he doesn't know me, or you, or Hoss, nothing got through to him, nothing..." He stopped speaking and regarded his father gravely. "I only hope the doctor's right and this is some kind of short term problem." He continued. "Because right now it's like Joe just fell off that horse and disappeared."
And that was just what it was like, Ben thought later, lying unsleeping in his room, like Joe had just disappeared.
****
In the room along the corridor Joe also lay sleepless, the lamp beside his bed was still alight, casting its golden glow over the room. Joe's eyes searched the bedroom, looking for something, anything, which looked familiar. He tried desperately hard to remember anything that had occurred before he'd woken up in this room but the only result was to make his head ache abominably. Slipping from beneath the covers, Joe crossed to the mirror above his dresser and stared at his reflection in the glass.
This is ridiculous, he thought in exasperation, even his own image in the glass was unfamiliar to him. The green eyed, dark haired young man that stared back at him was just as unknown as everything else. His glance fell on the small picture of a young woman, his mother Marie, Adam had told him, he reached out and picked up the portrait examining it minutely, but no feeling of familiarity stirred within him.
Sighing, he replaced the picture gently on top of the dresser and turned to the window. Outside the silver moon shone huge and luminous in a cloudless sky, he could see the mountains, their tops glowing white with moonlight reflecting on the last of the winter snow. Far away in the distance he could hear the lonesome cry of a coyote.
Ridiculous, he thought again, he knew the sound was made by a coyote, he knew the names of the trees he could see, so why couldn't he remember this place, these people. He had seen how distressed Ben and Adam were at his lack of recognition, seen the hurt on Ben's face when he had moved away from the older man's touch.
Frustration gnawed at him as he returned to bed, why would nothing at all emerge from the dark void that was his memory. The early morning sun was casting pale fingers of light through the bedroom window before he finally surrendered to exhaustion and closed his eyes in sleep.
****
Ben had hoped and even prayed a little through the long, sleepless night, but morning brought no answer to his prayers. He stood now in the stable, Adam beside him, watching Joe.
"Nothing?" Adam asked at length.
Joe shook his head. "Nothing." He repeated quietly, Adam shrugged his shoulders in resignation.
"Well that's all I can think of, little brother." He said. "I guess we'll just have to wait on you remembering in your own good time."
Ben sighed, he had hoped that the sight of Joe's cherished pinto Cochise would evoke some response from his son, but his hopes had been dashed.
That morning Adam and Ben had shown Joe all round the ranch house, Adam talking quietly to his brother of places they had been together, experiences they had shared, but nothing had the desired effect.
"The doctor says that your memory will return, given time." Ben told Joe now. "So I suggest that we attempt to carry on as normal around here, which means that there is work to be done." He turned to Adam. "You can show Joe what needs doing." He instructed. "You never know, perhaps a bit of routine might help."
"Can't hurt I guess." Adam replied easily. As the two brothers left the stable Adam turned back to his father. "Don't worry, Pa." He said. "I'll look after him."
Ben watched the two depart, he wished Hoss were here; his two youngest sons shared a special bond. They were the best of friends, Hoss admiring his younger brothers agile mind and ready wit, Joe protective of Hoss, who's open, honest heart was easily taken advantage of. Yes Ben thought surely if anyone can reach Joe, it will be Hoss.
****
Hoss Cartwright was feeling well satisfied with life as he rode toward home, he had enjoyed his stay in Carson City but it was good to be back on the Ponderosa. Good to be home. He thought, taking in the beauty of his surroundings. The cloudless blue sky was reflected in the clear waters of the lake, sunlight glinting off the surface. The mountains loomed large and impressive and Hoss thought that this must surely be one of the loveliest spots on God's Earth. Nearing the ranch house he saw his brothers mending a fence together. "Joe, Adam!" He hollered, riding toward the two, reining in his horse he dismounted and approached his brothers.
"Good to see you Adam." With the words he clapped Adam heartily on the back. "And I've sure missed you, little brother." He continued, reaching out an arm to hug Joe. Hoss was startled when his younger brother backed hastily away from him. "Hey, short shanks, what's up?" He asked.
Sighing, Adam stepped between Hoss and Joe, like his father he had been hoping that Hoss would be the one to finally bring Joe back, but obviously this was not to be. "Carry on here, Joe." Adam said now, catching Hoss' arm and pulling his puzzled brother away. "I'm just going to talk to Hoss a moment."
****
"And he don't remember nuthin'?" Hoss was incredulous.
"Nothing at all." Adam affirmed. "And I tell you Hoss, working with him these past few days, he's not even like Joe. He does the work fine, but he's quiet, never argues or complains."
"Well that sure ain't our Little Joe." Hoss said.
"No." Adam agreed. "It sure isn't."
****
Summer followed spring; the days grew longer, gentle sunshine giving way to the stronger heat of high summer. To all intents and purposes life continued normally on the Ponderosa, the great ranch ran much as normal, but to the family that lived there it seemed that nothing would ever be normal again.
Hoss tried his best to accept the new Joe, and Joe himself quickly found that of the three Cartwrights, Hoss soon became the one he related to the most. Hoss was so open and easy to get along with; Joe found that he liked the company of the big man, enjoyed being with him. With Adam and Ben he felt mostly ill at ease, he felt them watching him constantly, hoping that his memory would return, wanting him to be `Little Joe', the person they held so dear. It was uncomfortable to see their distress as the days passed and still no memories returned.
"Well thing is, little brother." Hoss told him, one hot afternoon as they groomed the horses together. "We're all wantin' you to get better and remember who you really are, but Pa and Adam, well I guess they just ain't as patient as I am."
"I think that's it, Hoss." Joe smiled. "You don't push me any, you're just content to let me be me. It's kind of relaxing being around you."
"Aw, Joe." Hoss grinned back, he liked this young man well enough, was determined not to upset him by trying to force the memories, but he very much missed his little brother, his warmth and tenderness, his impetuousness, his downright cussedness. "We all care about you, Joe." He said. "And Pa and Adam, they don't mean to push you, they just want..."
"That's the trouble." Joe broke in. "They just want what I can't give."
****
As high summer began to fade, Ben began to despair of his youngest son ever returning to him. He would talk with Joe often but it was still like conversing with a stranger, Joe answered questions, spoke quietly and politely to his father, but that essential spark that was Joe was just not there.
Ben offered up a prayer to the God he so strongly believed in to return Joe to him. He found himself remembering times long gone, Joe's tiny form held tenderly in his mother's arms, his son clinging to him for comfort and reassurance after a bad dream, Joe's joyful smile when Ben had presented him with the gift of his horse Cochise. "Oh, Joe." He whispered softly. "Please come back to us."
The heat of summer passed inevitably into autumn, the nights becoming longer and the morning air holding the sharp tang of early frosts. And day-by-day Ben watched sadly as Joe's alienation from his family grew. Oh sure, he often laughed and joked with Hoss but to his father and Adam he was unfailingly polite, quiet and attentive but nothing more. Ben's heart ached with longing to see his Joe again; just to catch a glimpse of his spirited, argumentative, exasperating, much loved son.
****
For some time Ben had been dreading what he sensed was about to happen, so, when Joe sought him out at his desk one chill autumn morning he felt no surprise at the request his son made, only a deep, dark sense of despair. "You want to leave." He repeated Joe's words flatly.
"I think it would be best." Joe's eyes were fixed on the floor. "I'm sorry, really sorry, I've tried so hard to remember, I've tried to fit in here, I truly have..." He hesitated, then raised his head and looked at Ben. "I can see how much you care for me." He continued. "You, Hoss and Adam, I see how much it hurts you when I can't respond. It's not that I don't like you, I do, and Hoss, well he's become a real good friend. But I can't be who you want me to be and I guess I'm just tired of trying."
Ben closed his eyes against the pain that coursed through him at Joe's words, to hear that his cherished son just `liked' him.
"Very well, Joe, if that's what you want to do, I won't stand in your way." He told his son sadly. "I'll sort out some money for you tomorrow, and you must take whatever you need from here."
"I don't need your money." Joe rebuffed him softly.
"It's your own money." Ben told him firmly. "This ranch is partly yours, it will remain yours and I hope that some day you'll return to claim it, for this will always be your home and we'll always be your family."
****
Presenting Joe with the money he had obtained from the bank in Virginia City, Ben asked him where he was thinking of going.
"San Francisco, I thought." Joe told him. "Perhaps get a job there."
"Mind if I ride along with you?" Ben asked. "I've got some business that needs taking care of in San Francisco."
"If you like." Joe agreed. "I'm leaving first thing tomorrow, if that's all right with you?"
Ben nodded in assent, he did have business in San Francisco it was true, but until Joe had said that was where he was heading, he had no intention of taking care of it. In fact, if Joe had said he was headed for practically anywhere Ben would have found some reason to accompany him. It was just an excuse to keep his son by his side for as long as he possibly could, in a last desperate hope that Joe would remember, before even this last vestige of his beloved son was lost to him forever.
****
"Sure you're up to this trip, Pa?" Adam enquired anxiously, his father looked tired and tense as he prepared to depart with Joe, early in the morning, a morning that had dawned clear and bright but was already clouding over with the threat of a storm in the air.
"I'll be fine." Ben told him. "I just want to stay with your brother a little longer, you can understand that?"
Yes, Adam understood only too well, he himself hated to see Joe leave, was afraid that he would never see his brother again. He looked across to where Joe was taking his leave of Hoss, he'd become most at ease with Hoss, who all along had refused to treat his younger brother any differently, just ignoring the fact of Joe's memory loss.
"You look after yourself now, little brother," Hoss was saying. "And you come back any time you want to, you hear?"
With that he gave Joe a quick hug, which the young man submitted to with good grace, then turned and went into the house, not wanting to see his younger brother ride out of his life.
Adam alone watched as his father and brother mounted up and left the Ponderosa.
****
The two horses picked their way sure-footedly along the edge of the deep gully, above the two riders the sky was leaden with lowering storm clouds.
Joe looked straight ahead, his eyes fixed on the trail before him, looking down the twenty foot drop beside him, to the small stream running at the bottom of the gully, had created a distinctly queasy feeling in the pit of his stomach.
Ben, riding behind, saw how his son pointedly avoided looking down. He smiled wryly; it seemed that the one thing Joe's memory had retained was his fear of heights.
It was going to be a long ride, Ben thought, if only he didn't feel quite so exhausted, he seemed to have been tired for a long time, he could scarcely remember the last time he had enjoyed a full night's sleep. Looking up at the dark clouds above his head he thought that it wouldn't be long before the storm began. As he looked ahead once more at Joe, Ben felt his head begin to swim, his vision began to blur. He shook his head, passing a hand across his eyes, but that only increased the feeling of dizziness, he fought to retain his equilibrium as he felt darkness crowd in on him, suddenly he was sliding from his horse, down, down...
Joe heard Ben groan as he fell, and turning, could only watch in horror, as his father's unconscious body tumbled from his horse and fell, rolling over and over, to the bottom of the gully. Sharply, suddenly as a flash of lightning, a shaft of pure emotion shot through Joe's mind, taking his breath away and making him gasp. Sliding from Cochise, mindless now of the steep drop, he scrambled down into the gully after Ben, almost falling himself on the precipitous sides, dislodging mud and stones from beneath his feet, he said just one word, chokingly, as he reached Ben's still form. "Pa."
****
Kneeling beside his father, he felt relief flood through him as he saw that Ben appeared to be breathing normally. Tearing the bandana from around his neck, he soaked it in the stream that flowed swift and cool beside him then gently bathed his father's forehead. All the while memories and emotions chased through his mind as though a dam had broken inside his brain, releasing a cascade of feelings. He looked down at his father, knowing now that this man meant more to him than any other living person.
Ben awoke to the sensation of cool water on his brow, a gentle hand stroking his arm. He lay with his eyes closed for a few moments gathering his thoughts, he ached all over, he remembered feeling so very dizzy, he must have fallen...
"Pa." Joe's voice interrupted his thoughts. "Pa, please."
Ben's deep brown eyes flew open and met his son's green ones regarding him with concern. And it was Joe, Ben realised instantly, joy coursing through him as he saw at last his own son's caring glance had replaced the stranger's that had dwelt within him for so long. He saw relief flash in Joe's eyes, a hint of a smile touch his lips.
"What happened?" Joe enquired anxiously. "I just saw you fall."
"I think I must have passed out, Adam was obviously right, I was just too exhausted to make this trip."
Immediately, a worried frown touched Joe's brow, his father was so rarely ill.
Ben pulled himself into a sitting position and gazed in wonderment at his youngest son, who was staring up the gully to the horses on the path above. "You followed me down here?" Ben knew how much courage that must have taken.
"I didn't even think about it." Joe confessed. "I just saw you fall and I knew I had to get to you quickly."
Ben hesitated a second, then did what he had been wanting to do for so long, he reached out his hand and brushed the curls away from Joe's brow, gently touched his sons face, saw Joe's smile as he accepted his fathers caress. "Oh, Joseph." He breathed. "I was so frightened that I'd lost you for good."
His son's even white teeth showed in a flashing grin, eyes gleaming with unshed tears. "I guess you don't get rid of me that easy." He smiled. "Though flinging yourself down here seems a pretty drastic way of stopping me leaving."
"I hope it's done the trick." Ben searched Joe's face. "You're not still going to leave?"
"I can't think of any place I'd rather be than home on the Ponderosa." Joe replied, then glanced upwards again. "And I think we'd better figure out how to get out of here and back home pretty quick, because I have a hunch it's going to start raining any minute."
Indeed the clouds overhead appeared even denser and the air held a hint of moisture.
"I'm going to have to climb back up there." Joe stood and started towards the steep slope. "Then I'll throw down the end of the rope, and I can pull you up."
"I can climb up myself." Ben answered, beginning to struggle to his feet.
"No, Pa" Joe turned quickly. "No, you look all in, besides." He grinned. "If you passed out again, I'd have to come all the way back down here."
"Its very steep, Joseph." Ben protested worriedly. "Are you sure you can do this?"
"I got down here didn't I" His son replied easily, though his expression betrayed a trace of nervousness at the idea of the steep climb. "Besides." He continued. "I don't see any alternative, we can't just sit here and wait for someone to come along." With that Joe turned and began the tricky climb back to the path.
****
Ben watched anxiously as Joe scrambled up the slope, knowing how his youngest hated heights, Ben knew the nerve it was taking. He let out a sigh of relief as Joe reached the path and dragged himself over the edge.
"Grab the rope." Joe yelled as he tied one end to Cochise's saddle and threw the other end down into the gully.
Ben grasped the rope and looped it about him. "Ready." He shouted up, Joe took the strain and inch-by-inch hauled his father up the sheer incline. At last Ben reached the path and lay on the dusty ground for a moment, regaining his breath. Joe reached out a hand to his father and helped him to his feet.
"Sure you can ride, Pa?" He asked Ben worriedly, as Ben untied the rope from around his body.
His father looked across at him. Seeing the concern etched on his face, a great tide of happiness seemed to fill his very soul. "Yes, Joseph." He smiled. "I suddenly feel a whole lot better."
And father and son rode back towards the Ponderosa as lightning rent the sky, the boom of thunder filled the air and heavy droplets of rain splashed on the ground around them.
****
Hoss and Adam came out from the house as Ben and Joe rode in, they had left the rain behind in the mountains, but the sky was still dark with cloud, the distant rumble of thunder audible in the calm air. "Pa!" Adam ran towards Ben as he dismounted slowly from his horse. "Something wrong?"
"On the contrary." Ben smiled at him. "Everything is just fine." As Hoss joined Adam beside his father, Ben smiled at his two oldest sons. "I've brought your brother home with me." He stated simply, Adam's eyes widened and he whirled to stare at Joe, standing beside Cochise.
"Hey there, big brother." Joe grinned.
"Well, I'll be..." Hoss boomed, enveloping his younger brother in a hug, which swept the young man off his feet. "Welcome back, short shanks."
"Let's go inside, boys." Ben said. "I think I, for one, could do with a decent nights sleep."
And, Ben knew, as he flung his arm around Joe's shoulders and headed for the house, Adam and Hoss following jubilantly behind, he would sleep very well indeed tonight.
THE END
© Kathleen Pitts 1999
THE DARK VOID
A Bonanza Story
by Kate
Spring, possibly the most magical of the seasons as the Earth regenerates itself after the cold, dark days of winter.
Ben Cartwright felt a sense of satisfaction as he looked about him, a soft breeze soughed through the pine trees and rippled the verdant grass, he could feel the soft caress of the gentle spring sunshine on his skin, almost taste the sharp, clear air that brought a feeling of exhilaration to his spirit. His eyes fell on the corral where his youngest son, Joe, was about to attempt to break a spirited palomino pony, it's coat glowing gold in the sunlight.
Ben strolled across to watch, Joe glancing up, saw his father and flashed a quick smile in Ben's direction as he prepared to mount the horse. Ben felt the familiar burst of pride as he returned his son's smile. Joe at twenty one was a handsome young man, slight of build with tousled dark curls and flashing green eyes. Blessed, or cursed, with a mercurial temperament he was quick to anger, joy and despair, an impetuous, fiery boy whom his father loved dearly.
Joe's oldest brother Adam, Ben's eldest son, strode across from the other side of the corral to join his father. "Good looking horse." He remarked as he reached Ben's side.
His father looked across at the palomino, as it stood tossing its head and flicking its almost white tail, pawing impatiently at the ground. "Should make a fine addition to the stock." He replied. Adam, at thirty-three, a darkly handsome man, well educated and widely read, was Ben's right hand on the Ponderosa, helping with the many administrative duties of running the vast ranch.
Both men turned to watch as Joe finally mounted the palomino, who tensed and then began to buck, trying to dislodge the unfamiliar and uncomfortable weight from his back. Joe had broken many a horse before and Ben felt relatively unconcerned as he watched his son fight to control the animal.
Then suddenly the horse stumbled, it's right foreleg seemingly giving way causing the creature to pitch forward. Caught by surprise, Joe lost his seating and fell heavily from the horses back landing head first on the hard packed earth.
Almost instantaneously Adam was over the corral fence, grabbing for the palomino's reins as it regained it's footing, dragging the animal away from the ominously still form of his younger brother. Quickly he calmed the creature and tethered it to the fence, then ran to join his father who was kneeling beside Joe, gently checking his son's motionless body for injuries.
"Go for the doctor, Adam." Ben said tersely, glancing up at his eldest son. "I'll get Joseph into the house." With that he lifted Joe in his arms.
Adam opened the gate of the corral to let his father and brother through, then sprinted toward the stable to saddle his horse.
****
"Well, Ben, there's nothing broken and I don't see any signs of internal injuries." Ben breathed a sigh of relief as the doctor finished examining Joe and replaced the covers over the young man's immobile form. "Took a nasty blow to the head though." The doctor continued, picking up his bag. "Likely he'll be unconscious for some time, let me know if there are any problems when he comes round, blurred vision, anything that doesn't seem right, hopefully he'll just have a mighty sore head."
Ben gently smoothed the soft curls from his son's forehead then turned to thank the doctor and escort him downstairs, leaving Adam to keep watch over his brother.
"Any problems, let me know at once." The doctor repeated climbing aboard his buggy.
"I will." Ben assured him and watched as the buggy departed, then turned and re-entered the house, climbing the stairs to Joe's bedroom.
Adam looked up as his father entered the room. "Think I should go fetch Hoss?" He asked quietly.
Ben's middle son was visiting friends in Carson City and was not due back for a few more days. "The doctor seems to think Joe will be all right." Ben answered, his gaze turning to the young man so still in the bed, his dark curls a sharp contrast to the white pillow he lay against. "No need to worry Hoss."
****
Ben had been sitting by his son's bedside for the last four hours and was beginning to consider getting the doctor back, when at last Joe began to show signs of a return to consciousness. Watching as his son's eyelids flickered open Ben sent up a silent prayer of thanks. Reaching out he gently caressed Joe's head. "Well you gave us quite a scare." He smiled as his son's green eyes gazed up at him. A quizzical expression crossed the young mans face. Ben felt dismay flood through him as Joe jerked his head violently away from his father's touch.
"What...what happened? What's going on?" Joe's voice was touched with panic.
"Calm down, Joseph." Ben reached for his son again, and again his youngest child jerked away. "You fell from that palomino you were breaking and knocked yourself out." He explained, his eyes searching Joe's face. There was something very wrong here, Ben realized, it was Joe's face before him and yet somehow unlike his precious son. There was no light in the green eyes, only puzzlement showing on the handsome young face. "Joe." He breathed softly.
Joe struggled to sit upright, then turned to face Ben. "I'm sorry, I don't understand..." His voice fell away as his gaze swept the room and then returned to the anxious face of his father. "This doesn't make sense." He continued softly. "You say I fell off a horse?"
Ben nodded in reply.
"What horse?" The panicked note had returned to Joe's voice. "Where? Here?" He saw Ben nod again and rushed on. "But where is here? I don't remember, I don't remember anything!"
A cold dread clutched at Ben's heart at Joe's words; suddenly he realized what he had sensed moments before. Yes, it was Joe who sat in the bed before him, Joe's face, and Joe's features and yet it was as if a stranger stared out at him from his own sons' eyes.
Dusk had fallen, though the last vestiges of the setting sun still showed in the sky. Lamplight spilled from the open door of the Ponderosa ranch house as the doctor once again prepared to take his leave.
"I'm sure it's just temporary, Ben." He assured his old friend, adjusting his hat and grasping the reins of his buggy, he regarded the man beside him. "Head injuries are strange things." He explained. "So much about the workings of the brain are unknown to us, give it a few days and I'm sure Joe will remember everything."
"I hope that's so." Ben sighed. "Because at the moment it's like someone else is up there in Joe's room, like my son is gone."
"Try not to worry." the doctor advised. "Time and plenty of rest are my prescription. No harm trying to jog his memory a little though." He continued. "Talk about special times, events that he should remember, but don't push too hard, I'm sure in time his memory will return naturally."
****
Ben stood in the doorway of Joe's room, watching Adam talking quietly to his brother, his voice calm and reassuring. Joe lay back on the pillows, his eyes fixed on Adam's face, and in the soft glow of the lamplight he looked so young, thought Ben, so vulnerable. Memories chased through his mind as he regarded the scene before him. Joe as a baby, so tiny and helpless, a small child, trusting and carefree catching his fathers hand as they walked together, the older boy, never still, mischievous and often in trouble but always with a loving, caring look for his father that could melt Ben's heart and made it difficult to discipline his incorrigible youngest son. Bringing himself back to the present he listened to what Adam was saying.
"And all this means nothing to you?" He was asking his younger brother, his tone holding a trace of disbelief.
Joe shook his head "No." He replied slowly. "I try to recall, but it's like..." He groped for a description. "A huge dark void, like nothing existed before I woke up this afternoon."
Adam's dark eyes met his fathers as he turned from his brother to greet the older man. Ben motioned Adam out of the room then approached Joe who watched him silently from the bed.
"I think it's time we all got some sleep." Ben advised. "Perhaps things will look different in the morning. Goodnight, Joseph." With that he turned and followed Adam from the room, feeling a great desire to return to Joe, hold him tightly as he had done so many times in his life and try to force his son to remember. But he knew that any attempt to touch Joe would surely be rebuffed by the stranger that dwelt in Joe's mind.
Adam was waiting for his father on the landing. "This just seems so inconceivable." He blurted out as Ben joined him. "I've talked to him for an hour or more and it's...well...It's kind of eerie, I know that it's Joe, I can see that it's Joe and yet he doesn't know me, or you, or Hoss, nothing got through to him, nothing..." He stopped speaking and regarded his father gravely. "I only hope the doctor's right and this is some kind of short term problem." He continued. "Because right now it's like Joe just fell off that horse and disappeared."
And that was just what it was like, Ben thought later, lying unsleeping in his room, like Joe had just disappeared.
****
In the room along the corridor Joe also lay sleepless, the lamp beside his bed was still alight, casting its golden glow over the room. Joe's eyes searched the bedroom, looking for something, anything, which looked familiar. He tried desperately hard to remember anything that had occurred before he'd woken up in this room but the only result was to make his head ache abominably. Slipping from beneath the covers, Joe crossed to the mirror above his dresser and stared at his reflection in the glass.
This is ridiculous, he thought in exasperation, even his own image in the glass was unfamiliar to him. The green eyed, dark haired young man that stared back at him was just as unknown as everything else. His glance fell on the small picture of a young woman, his mother Marie, Adam had told him, he reached out and picked up the portrait examining it minutely, but no feeling of familiarity stirred within him.
Sighing, he replaced the picture gently on top of the dresser and turned to the window. Outside the silver moon shone huge and luminous in a cloudless sky, he could see the mountains, their tops glowing white with moonlight reflecting on the last of the winter snow. Far away in the distance he could hear the lonesome cry of a coyote.
Ridiculous, he thought again, he knew the sound was made by a coyote, he knew the names of the trees he could see, so why couldn't he remember this place, these people. He had seen how distressed Ben and Adam were at his lack of recognition, seen the hurt on Ben's face when he had moved away from the older man's touch.
Frustration gnawed at him as he returned to bed, why would nothing at all emerge from the dark void that was his memory. The early morning sun was casting pale fingers of light through the bedroom window before he finally surrendered to exhaustion and closed his eyes in sleep.
****
Ben had hoped and even prayed a little through the long, sleepless night, but morning brought no answer to his prayers. He stood now in the stable, Adam beside him, watching Joe.
"Nothing?" Adam asked at length.
Joe shook his head. "Nothing." He repeated quietly, Adam shrugged his shoulders in resignation.
"Well that's all I can think of, little brother." He said. "I guess we'll just have to wait on you remembering in your own good time."
Ben sighed, he had hoped that the sight of Joe's cherished pinto Cochise would evoke some response from his son, but his hopes had been dashed.
That morning Adam and Ben had shown Joe all round the ranch house, Adam talking quietly to his brother of places they had been together, experiences they had shared, but nothing had the desired effect.
"The doctor says that your memory will return, given time." Ben told Joe now. "So I suggest that we attempt to carry on as normal around here, which means that there is work to be done." He turned to Adam. "You can show Joe what needs doing." He instructed. "You never know, perhaps a bit of routine might help."
"Can't hurt I guess." Adam replied easily. As the two brothers left the stable Adam turned back to his father. "Don't worry, Pa." He said. "I'll look after him."
Ben watched the two depart, he wished Hoss were here; his two youngest sons shared a special bond. They were the best of friends, Hoss admiring his younger brothers agile mind and ready wit, Joe protective of Hoss, who's open, honest heart was easily taken advantage of. Yes Ben thought surely if anyone can reach Joe, it will be Hoss.
****
Hoss Cartwright was feeling well satisfied with life as he rode toward home, he had enjoyed his stay in Carson City but it was good to be back on the Ponderosa. Good to be home. He thought, taking in the beauty of his surroundings. The cloudless blue sky was reflected in the clear waters of the lake, sunlight glinting off the surface. The mountains loomed large and impressive and Hoss thought that this must surely be one of the loveliest spots on God's Earth. Nearing the ranch house he saw his brothers mending a fence together. "Joe, Adam!" He hollered, riding toward the two, reining in his horse he dismounted and approached his brothers.
"Good to see you Adam." With the words he clapped Adam heartily on the back. "And I've sure missed you, little brother." He continued, reaching out an arm to hug Joe. Hoss was startled when his younger brother backed hastily away from him. "Hey, short shanks, what's up?" He asked.
Sighing, Adam stepped between Hoss and Joe, like his father he had been hoping that Hoss would be the one to finally bring Joe back, but obviously this was not to be. "Carry on here, Joe." Adam said now, catching Hoss' arm and pulling his puzzled brother away. "I'm just going to talk to Hoss a moment."
****
"And he don't remember nuthin'?" Hoss was incredulous.
"Nothing at all." Adam affirmed. "And I tell you Hoss, working with him these past few days, he's not even like Joe. He does the work fine, but he's quiet, never argues or complains."
"Well that sure ain't our Little Joe." Hoss said.
"No." Adam agreed. "It sure isn't."
****
Summer followed spring; the days grew longer, gentle sunshine giving way to the stronger heat of high summer. To all intents and purposes life continued normally on the Ponderosa, the great ranch ran much as normal, but to the family that lived there it seemed that nothing would ever be normal again.
Hoss tried his best to accept the new Joe, and Joe himself quickly found that of the three Cartwrights, Hoss soon became the one he related to the most. Hoss was so open and easy to get along with; Joe found that he liked the company of the big man, enjoyed being with him. With Adam and Ben he felt mostly ill at ease, he felt them watching him constantly, hoping that his memory would return, wanting him to be `Little Joe', the person they held so dear. It was uncomfortable to see their distress as the days passed and still no memories returned.
"Well thing is, little brother." Hoss told him, one hot afternoon as they groomed the horses together. "We're all wantin' you to get better and remember who you really are, but Pa and Adam, well I guess they just ain't as patient as I am."
"I think that's it, Hoss." Joe smiled. "You don't push me any, you're just content to let me be me. It's kind of relaxing being around you."
"Aw, Joe." Hoss grinned back, he liked this young man well enough, was determined not to upset him by trying to force the memories, but he very much missed his little brother, his warmth and tenderness, his impetuousness, his downright cussedness. "We all care about you, Joe." He said. "And Pa and Adam, they don't mean to push you, they just want..."
"That's the trouble." Joe broke in. "They just want what I can't give."
****
As high summer began to fade, Ben began to despair of his youngest son ever returning to him. He would talk with Joe often but it was still like conversing with a stranger, Joe answered questions, spoke quietly and politely to his father, but that essential spark that was Joe was just not there.
Ben offered up a prayer to the God he so strongly believed in to return Joe to him. He found himself remembering times long gone, Joe's tiny form held tenderly in his mother's arms, his son clinging to him for comfort and reassurance after a bad dream, Joe's joyful smile when Ben had presented him with the gift of his horse Cochise. "Oh, Joe." He whispered softly. "Please come back to us."
The heat of summer passed inevitably into autumn, the nights becoming longer and the morning air holding the sharp tang of early frosts. And day-by-day Ben watched sadly as Joe's alienation from his family grew. Oh sure, he often laughed and joked with Hoss but to his father and Adam he was unfailingly polite, quiet and attentive but nothing more. Ben's heart ached with longing to see his Joe again; just to catch a glimpse of his spirited, argumentative, exasperating, much loved son.
****
For some time Ben had been dreading what he sensed was about to happen, so, when Joe sought him out at his desk one chill autumn morning he felt no surprise at the request his son made, only a deep, dark sense of despair. "You want to leave." He repeated Joe's words flatly.
"I think it would be best." Joe's eyes were fixed on the floor. "I'm sorry, really sorry, I've tried so hard to remember, I've tried to fit in here, I truly have..." He hesitated, then raised his head and looked at Ben. "I can see how much you care for me." He continued. "You, Hoss and Adam, I see how much it hurts you when I can't respond. It's not that I don't like you, I do, and Hoss, well he's become a real good friend. But I can't be who you want me to be and I guess I'm just tired of trying."
Ben closed his eyes against the pain that coursed through him at Joe's words, to hear that his cherished son just `liked' him.
"Very well, Joe, if that's what you want to do, I won't stand in your way." He told his son sadly. "I'll sort out some money for you tomorrow, and you must take whatever you need from here."
"I don't need your money." Joe rebuffed him softly.
"It's your own money." Ben told him firmly. "This ranch is partly yours, it will remain yours and I hope that some day you'll return to claim it, for this will always be your home and we'll always be your family."
****
Presenting Joe with the money he had obtained from the bank in Virginia City, Ben asked him where he was thinking of going.
"San Francisco, I thought." Joe told him. "Perhaps get a job there."
"Mind if I ride along with you?" Ben asked. "I've got some business that needs taking care of in San Francisco."
"If you like." Joe agreed. "I'm leaving first thing tomorrow, if that's all right with you?"
Ben nodded in assent, he did have business in San Francisco it was true, but until Joe had said that was where he was heading, he had no intention of taking care of it. In fact, if Joe had said he was headed for practically anywhere Ben would have found some reason to accompany him. It was just an excuse to keep his son by his side for as long as he possibly could, in a last desperate hope that Joe would remember, before even this last vestige of his beloved son was lost to him forever.
****
"Sure you're up to this trip, Pa?" Adam enquired anxiously, his father looked tired and tense as he prepared to depart with Joe, early in the morning, a morning that had dawned clear and bright but was already clouding over with the threat of a storm in the air.
"I'll be fine." Ben told him. "I just want to stay with your brother a little longer, you can understand that?"
Yes, Adam understood only too well, he himself hated to see Joe leave, was afraid that he would never see his brother again. He looked across to where Joe was taking his leave of Hoss, he'd become most at ease with Hoss, who all along had refused to treat his younger brother any differently, just ignoring the fact of Joe's memory loss.
"You look after yourself now, little brother," Hoss was saying. "And you come back any time you want to, you hear?"
With that he gave Joe a quick hug, which the young man submitted to with good grace, then turned and went into the house, not wanting to see his younger brother ride out of his life.
Adam alone watched as his father and brother mounted up and left the Ponderosa.
****
The two horses picked their way sure-footedly along the edge of the deep gully, above the two riders the sky was leaden with lowering storm clouds.
Joe looked straight ahead, his eyes fixed on the trail before him, looking down the twenty foot drop beside him, to the small stream running at the bottom of the gully, had created a distinctly queasy feeling in the pit of his stomach.
Ben, riding behind, saw how his son pointedly avoided looking down. He smiled wryly; it seemed that the one thing Joe's memory had retained was his fear of heights.
It was going to be a long ride, Ben thought, if only he didn't feel quite so exhausted, he seemed to have been tired for a long time, he could scarcely remember the last time he had enjoyed a full night's sleep. Looking up at the dark clouds above his head he thought that it wouldn't be long before the storm began. As he looked ahead once more at Joe, Ben felt his head begin to swim, his vision began to blur. He shook his head, passing a hand across his eyes, but that only increased the feeling of dizziness, he fought to retain his equilibrium as he felt darkness crowd in on him, suddenly he was sliding from his horse, down, down...
Joe heard Ben groan as he fell, and turning, could only watch in horror, as his father's unconscious body tumbled from his horse and fell, rolling over and over, to the bottom of the gully. Sharply, suddenly as a flash of lightning, a shaft of pure emotion shot through Joe's mind, taking his breath away and making him gasp. Sliding from Cochise, mindless now of the steep drop, he scrambled down into the gully after Ben, almost falling himself on the precipitous sides, dislodging mud and stones from beneath his feet, he said just one word, chokingly, as he reached Ben's still form. "Pa."
****
Kneeling beside his father, he felt relief flood through him as he saw that Ben appeared to be breathing normally. Tearing the bandana from around his neck, he soaked it in the stream that flowed swift and cool beside him then gently bathed his father's forehead. All the while memories and emotions chased through his mind as though a dam had broken inside his brain, releasing a cascade of feelings. He looked down at his father, knowing now that this man meant more to him than any other living person.
Ben awoke to the sensation of cool water on his brow, a gentle hand stroking his arm. He lay with his eyes closed for a few moments gathering his thoughts, he ached all over, he remembered feeling so very dizzy, he must have fallen...
"Pa." Joe's voice interrupted his thoughts. "Pa, please."
Ben's deep brown eyes flew open and met his son's green ones regarding him with concern. And it was Joe, Ben realised instantly, joy coursing through him as he saw at last his own son's caring glance had replaced the stranger's that had dwelt within him for so long. He saw relief flash in Joe's eyes, a hint of a smile touch his lips.
"What happened?" Joe enquired anxiously. "I just saw you fall."
"I think I must have passed out, Adam was obviously right, I was just too exhausted to make this trip."
Immediately, a worried frown touched Joe's brow, his father was so rarely ill.
Ben pulled himself into a sitting position and gazed in wonderment at his youngest son, who was staring up the gully to the horses on the path above. "You followed me down here?" Ben knew how much courage that must have taken.
"I didn't even think about it." Joe confessed. "I just saw you fall and I knew I had to get to you quickly."
Ben hesitated a second, then did what he had been wanting to do for so long, he reached out his hand and brushed the curls away from Joe's brow, gently touched his sons face, saw Joe's smile as he accepted his fathers caress. "Oh, Joseph." He breathed. "I was so frightened that I'd lost you for good."
His son's even white teeth showed in a flashing grin, eyes gleaming with unshed tears. "I guess you don't get rid of me that easy." He smiled. "Though flinging yourself down here seems a pretty drastic way of stopping me leaving."
"I hope it's done the trick." Ben searched Joe's face. "You're not still going to leave?"
"I can't think of any place I'd rather be than home on the Ponderosa." Joe replied, then glanced upwards again. "And I think we'd better figure out how to get out of here and back home pretty quick, because I have a hunch it's going to start raining any minute."
Indeed the clouds overhead appeared even denser and the air held a hint of moisture.
"I'm going to have to climb back up there." Joe stood and started towards the steep slope. "Then I'll throw down the end of the rope, and I can pull you up."
"I can climb up myself." Ben answered, beginning to struggle to his feet.
"No, Pa" Joe turned quickly. "No, you look all in, besides." He grinned. "If you passed out again, I'd have to come all the way back down here."
"Its very steep, Joseph." Ben protested worriedly. "Are you sure you can do this?"
"I got down here didn't I" His son replied easily, though his expression betrayed a trace of nervousness at the idea of the steep climb. "Besides." He continued. "I don't see any alternative, we can't just sit here and wait for someone to come along." With that Joe turned and began the tricky climb back to the path.
****
Ben watched anxiously as Joe scrambled up the slope, knowing how his youngest hated heights, Ben knew the nerve it was taking. He let out a sigh of relief as Joe reached the path and dragged himself over the edge.
"Grab the rope." Joe yelled as he tied one end to Cochise's saddle and threw the other end down into the gully.
Ben grasped the rope and looped it about him. "Ready." He shouted up, Joe took the strain and inch-by-inch hauled his father up the sheer incline. At last Ben reached the path and lay on the dusty ground for a moment, regaining his breath. Joe reached out a hand to his father and helped him to his feet.
"Sure you can ride, Pa?" He asked Ben worriedly, as Ben untied the rope from around his body.
His father looked across at him. Seeing the concern etched on his face, a great tide of happiness seemed to fill his very soul. "Yes, Joseph." He smiled. "I suddenly feel a whole lot better."
And father and son rode back towards the Ponderosa as lightning rent the sky, the boom of thunder filled the air and heavy droplets of rain splashed on the ground around them.
****
Hoss and Adam came out from the house as Ben and Joe rode in, they had left the rain behind in the mountains, but the sky was still dark with cloud, the distant rumble of thunder audible in the calm air. "Pa!" Adam ran towards Ben as he dismounted slowly from his horse. "Something wrong?"
"On the contrary." Ben smiled at him. "Everything is just fine." As Hoss joined Adam beside his father, Ben smiled at his two oldest sons. "I've brought your brother home with me." He stated simply, Adam's eyes widened and he whirled to stare at Joe, standing beside Cochise.
"Hey there, big brother." Joe grinned.
"Well, I'll be..." Hoss boomed, enveloping his younger brother in a hug, which swept the young man off his feet. "Welcome back, short shanks."
"Let's go inside, boys." Ben said. "I think I, for one, could do with a decent nights sleep."
And, Ben knew, as he flung his arm around Joe's shoulders and headed for the house, Adam and Hoss following jubilantly behind, he would sleep very well indeed tonight.
THE END
© Kathleen Pitts 1999