Title: Survivor's Guilt
Author: Akanue
Fandom: Star Trek: Voyager
Rating: T
Warning(s): Angst
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Voyager or its characters. They belong to Paramount, Gene Roddenberry, Michael Piller, Jeri Taylor, Rick Berman, and other licensors and distributors. This is a not-for-profit fan work.
Summary: After the death of Ahni Jetal, Harry Kim is consumed by grief.
Author's Note: Written for a prompt trekkiel gave me on tumblr. This is mostly fluff but has some character analysis in it too – Harry's reaction to Lyndsey's death and especially the Doctor's following mental breakdown is something that didn't get covered in the show as much as it should've, so I decided to write about that.
Survivor's Guilt
"Mr. Kim," Janeway said, glancing at her Operations officer whom had just entered the Bridge for his morning duty. Harry Kim glanced up, though his response was sluggish and it was more than clear he hadn't slept well in several days at the least.
Her gaze softened as if often did around her youngest senior officer. "Harry, are you okay?"
"I'll live," was his reply.
"You look like you could use a trip to Sickbay," Chakotay commented.
"Commander, I feel fine..."
"Go to Sickbay, Ensign. That's an order," Janeway said, though her tone wasn't entirely serious.
Harry hesitated. "With all due respect, Captain, I'm afraid reporting to Sickbay is only going to make it worse."
Janeway's expression quickly changed as she realized what was bothering him. "Would you like to talk in my ready room?"
"I'd like that, ma'am."
She stood from the captain's chair without a moment's hesitation and strode over to the ready room, Harry following. Once the doors were closed behind them, she asked, "This is about the incident last month with Ensign Jetal, isn't it?"
Harry nodded solemnly.
"I know it's been a hard experience for you, but these things happen, Harry," she said, her tone bordering the line between captain and mother. She always seemed to slip into that role around Harry. Sometimes she wondered if it were really that appropriate, but the crew of Voyager had become more than just a crew. They were a family, and while sometimes Janeway wondered about her role and exactly what lines she should cross, she would always be there for a member of her crew when they needed her, especially Harry. It broke her heart to see him so torn up about the tragedy that had claimed the life of a crewmate he had cared for deeply.
Harry's eyes looked like they were light years away; back on Earth even. "She died, Captain," he began, "because the Doctor chose to save me instead. And that would be bad enough, but the Doctor practically had a mental breakdown because of it. He agonized over that decision just as much as any flesh and blood person would, and there was nothing I can do to help him, even though I'm the Chief Operations Officer on this ship."
"Harry, Harry, it wasn't your fault. The Doctor made the logical choice of which one of you to save based on his programming. It would have been a whole lot easier on him if he'd never grown into the... person, he is now, but the decision we made was the best solution, I'm sure of it."
"That doesn't make it any better. Seeing him like this, blissfully unaware when I have to live with it every day, makes me feel even worse." Janeway continued to listen in silence as Harry went on. "I keep trying to rationalize it, but I think you know as well as I do that that doesn't help much. I'd see a counselor, but... We don't have one on board."
Janeway placed a hand on his shoulder. "There are a few crewmen who are trained in the basics, at least. I can let them know you need to talk to them. Have you talked to Tom?"
"More times than I can count," Harry said with a sigh. "He sympathizes but keeps telling me to let it roll off my back, that I couldn't have done anything different."
"But that's not what you want to hear."
"Just because I know I can't change what happened, don't change how I feel about it. And I don't think we should have wiped the Doctor's memory without his consent, either."
"Let me tell you a little secret, Harry," said Janeway, leaning forward, her own voice heavy with burdens and sorrows. "I had it in my ability to cure him, even if it meant him erasing large parts of his memory, even if the procedure was without his consent. So I gave the order to do it. I keep telling myself it's because he's the Chief Medical Officer on this ship, he's a hologram, and we can't do without him. But when I saw him agonizing over that decision he'd made, like a human would, my heart broke a little each time."
"Hearing you say that makes me feel a little better," Harry said, releasing a deep breath. His shoulders visibly relaxed.
"Misery loves company?" she said with a hint of humor.
"No, no, of course not," he said hastily. A pause. "It's just good to know that I'm not the only one affected by this, who actually knows they've been affected by this."
She regarded him as a lengthy pause engulfed the conversation. "If you need to talk, my door is always open," Janeway said.
Harry offered her a small, forced smile before leaving the ready room. Janeway let out a soft sigh and leaned back in her chair, her expression full of sorrow.