A/N: Post-ep for "Driven". Hope you all survived the premier and are joining me in the anxious wait for the return of our happy Caskett. Until then I'm going to enjoy the angst inspiration, as it's my cup of tea. If you haven't heard the song that I quoted below, I highly recommend listening to it. It's sad, yet beautiful.
Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or anything associated with the show.
None of Them Were You
"All around me are familiar faces,
Worn out places, worn out faces.
Bright and early for their daily races,
Going nowhere, going nowhere.
Their tears are filling up their glasses,
No expressions, no expressions.
Hide my head, I wanna drown my sorrow,
No tomorrow, no tomorrow."
-Mad World was written by Ronald Orzabal (The version that inspired this fic is by Jasmine Thompson)
She's drowning. She's been drowning for two months, a gradual spiral of downward motion slowly pulling her into the abyss. When she put his picture up on the murder board in her apartment, the numbness began to seep in. This can't be happening to her again. It seems cruel that fate would deal that kind of devastation to her twice in one lifetime. She tries not to lose faith that she'll find him, but it's all too easy to feel like she deserves this kind of pain. Maybe this is her punishment for holding him at arm's length for so long. Maybe she's destined to lose everyone she loves.
It becomes a ritual, working the case every day, finding no leads, watching the people around her work only to come up empty-handed. Seeing the camera footage of him dropping off the money for crushing of the SUV had almost been her breaking point. Did he really stage his own disappearance? It can't be true; there has to be more to the story. Castle taught her that much. The FBI eventually gives up their search, but she never stops looking, never stops believing.
At home she drowns in her sorrows. At work she masks it.
When they find him, she's a hollow shell of herself, emotions spilling out from places she didn't know she'd hid them. She can't ask the questions fast enough, because she needs to know everything. Her heart stops when she sees him for the first time, an erratic beat that freezes the moment in her head, saving it for replay. She thought she'd never see him again.
After that it's a whirlwind of events. The evidence points to one thing, but her heart tells her something else. Her head chants: he walked away from you, he doesn't want you. Her heart chants: he's always fought for you, he always will. It's a war that's slowly driving her mad. She shows him the proof; he offers her the best explanations he can. He doesn't remember. She isn't convinced. She knows what it's like to pretend you don't remember, more importantly, she understands it. They're supposed to be married. He owes her the truth, so she asks for it, and for the first time since he's been found, his words sound believable.
He doesn't remember, and the silence that it brings is killing her. They're finally alone in their bedroom for the first time since he's been found, and the tension is running high. He called her the love of his life; does he mean it? Or is he just giving her the words she wants to hear? If it's a glimpse of hope, she'll grabbing it, hold it close. To him it feels like yesterday that he slept in their bed with her, to her it feels like a lifetime.
He doesn't remember, and she lets that be the excuse for his inability to see her pain. Something seems to finally register though, and he finally finds his words, the words that she's used to hearing. The words that make him her Castle. He wants to know how she managed to remain hopeful. She tells him the truth. It wasn't easy to keep the hope alive, and there were times that she lost it. She used whatever she could to get it back, and to others it may seem stupid, but she can tell that he thinks it's something else to love about her.
She holds herself away from him until she can't stand it anymore, can't stand not touching him. Two months of not touching him, it's too much, too long. She breaks in his arms and yet the relief she thought touching him would bring doesn't come. She hates it, but the doubt is still there. She loves him, she'll never stop, but she needs answers.
He apologizes to her and her broken, battered heart comes to life. It's the first signs of a real conversation. He says he's sorry for everything he's put her through, and with those words come the clarity that she needs. He wouldn't put her through this; he wouldn't walk away from everything they've worked through.
"Though I do know I missed you terribly, because there's no way I wouldn't." He missed her. He doesn't remember what happened to him, but he missed her.
His promise of "we'll get there" as she cried in his arms rings through her mind long after he's gone to sleep. She wants so desperately to be there now, to forget these two months ever happened. She's afraid to close her eyes, afraid that if she does he'll disappear. The thought of losing him again reaches deep inside her and a strangled sob rips from her throat. She tries not to wake him, tries to get her emotions under control, but he stirs. It's just another thing to prove that he's in this, still attuned to her after months of being away.
"Kate, hey, come here." He sits up and opens his arms, waiting patiently for her to come. He senses her hesitation immediately.
"I know that this must be extremely hard for you. I wish that I could remember. I wish I could give you the comfort that you need."
She shakes her head, wanting to tell him that he's her comfort, but she can't give him those words. Not yet.
So he tries again.
"I need you to know that I would never, for any reason, walk away from you, from our life. You're everything to me and I meant it when I said you're the love of my life. I'll never stop loving you, and I'll never stop wanting you. Please, if you believe nothing else, believe that."
"Oh, Castle." She lets herself fall into his waiting arms, sobbing against his chest because she needed those words more than anything.
He holds her for what seems like hours, letting her cry everything out and reassuring her that he's not leaving. "I'm so sorry, Kate. You're the strongest person I know; you didn't deserve any of this."
And then he breaks too. It's what she's been waiting for, some type of emotion from him, proof that he's feeling a fraction of what she is. It makes it real, and for the first time since they found him, he seems to grasp what's really happened to them. She clings to him as he cries, both hands fisted in his shirt, desperate to keep him from slipping away.
They find neutral ground wrapped in each other's arms, the first step in healing and finding their way home. It won't be easy and it won't be fast, but they will get there. It's a promise that both of them intend to keep. Always.
It's several hours later when the darkness finds them sound asleep, wrapped in each other's arms. It doesn't last long before the nightmares that have haunted her dreams for months take over. This time she finds him; it's too late, but she does. The pale white of his face causes a violent shiver to run through her body as she cries out for the love she's lost.
Castle startles awake and holds her close, whispering sweet, calming words to her until she settles and opens her eyes. "You're really here," she breathes into his chest tightening her vice grip on him. "It was just a dream. You're here and alive."
"Shh, it's ok, Kate, yes I'm really here. I'm won't leave you ever again."
She lifts her head to look at him as the tears run down her cheek and fall onto his shirt. "Don't make promises you can't keep, Castle."
"I can keep this promise; I'll never leave you again. They'll have to kill me to take me from you."
Another sob catches in her throat and she has to fight to keep from gripping him too hard. "Please don't say that, I can't handle it, Castle."
He rocks her back and forth in his arms, soothing her. "I'm sorry; please know how sorry I am. If there was anything that I could've done, anyway that I could have escaped…"
She buries her head in the crook of his neck, inhaling his scent, letting her body memorize it all over again. "You're here now, that's all that matters to me. Just stay here, don't leave me."
His arms tighten around her and he does his best to reassure her that he's not going anywhere. "I wish that I could've been here for you all along, Kate. It kills me that I was the cause of your pain when all I ever wanted to be was your comfort."
She pushes up on her arms until she can reach his lips, softly pressing hers against them. It's the first time she's kissed him since he was found. She doesn't turn it into anything more, and yet it's everything to her. She thought she'd never kiss him again, thought she'd never feel him pressed against her body again. She's not ready for more, but she will be. They will get there together.
When she pulls away from the kiss she runs her hand through his hair, pushing the long strands that hang over his forehead out of the way. "You were always with me, babe. I never let go of you."
He closes his eyes and breathes deeply and the promise of a future settles between them. He feels her soft whisper of his name against his cheek and his eyes flutter open to focus on her.
She looks so broken and defeated, but in this midst of that brokenness he sees a new strength forming.
"So many people tried to comfort me while you were missing. They brought me coffee, hugged me, tried to keep up a normal routine. They were all really sweet, but it was never enough. None of them were you."
And those are amongst the truest words she's ever said to him, because of all the people that have ever crossed her path, none of them could ever take his place. No one could ever hold the place in her heart that he holds. He doesn't remember. But he's here, in her arms and she finally lets herself believe that they're on their way home, to each other.
Thank you to Bri for her willingness to read over this as soon as I finished it.
Hugs, xo.