The Planning, The Visitation, The Funeral, and One Very Upset Seven Year Old
He knew this day would eventually come when he was by himself. He when Margaret promised that she would beat the cancer he knew it in the back of his mind that she wouldn't. He was on his own – raise Dani the way he wanted to. Actually, no he couldn't; the way he wanted it to be was with Margaret at his side not by himself. He was going to have to take each day as it came, especially when raising Dani. He figured it would be a long time before she would be able to even stand a few minutes of being by herself let alone entire school day. When this school year began Hawkeye talked to the school district about Dani. He wanted to state that she would probably miss more days than be there and understood that she would have to repeat second grade.
When Margaret became terminal Hawkeye let Dani make the decisions about going to school. In the beginning she stayed home just so she could spend time doing stuff with her mom but as Margaret became weaker Dani became frightened and wanted far away as possible so she attended school again. Then as mid-December approached Hawkeye knew that the end was coming and kept her home. Dani had the right to be there at the end. He remembered what his father had done to him years earlier and both he Margaret promised that they wouldn't do that to Dani.
When he got home he knew he needed to talk to Dani but she was sleeping and knew that once she was up she probably be up for the entire night. Just what he needed a tired and cranky kid tomorrow! Once he unlocked the door and went in, he felt her forehead and it seemed to still be warm. He knew that she would be miserable tomorrow no matter what happened. She was sick and that was that. When Dani was sick she was the worse patient of all. She tended, Hawkeye believed, to be over dramatic about it but Margaret would give her anything to make her happy.
"Daddy," Dani mumbled from Hawkeye's shoulder, "I'm hot."
"Okay sweetie." Hawkeye sat her on the stairs that lead to the upstairs, which was a few feet away to take off her boots and her outwear.
"Daddy," she whined. Hawkeye took in a deep breath trying to steady his nerves, "Hunny, please don't whine. I know you don't feel well and you're hot." Then Hawkeye noticed how hot she was and that her shirt had a few wet spots on it as he took off her outerwear. He put his hand against her forehead again and believed that her fever had risen. "Let's get you into some dry clothes and into bed," he told his daughter picking her up and leaving outer garments across the landing.
When he got to her room he laid sat her on her bed and went searching for pajamas.
"Daddy," Dani said
"What dear," Hawkeye responded.
"What's going on tomorrow?" she asked as he handed her dry clothes.
Hawkeye took a deep breath in. He didn't want to scare her, but he wanted her to know the truth. There's going to be a lot of activity going on. Do you remember when we went to a funeral home to picket out a casket?" Suddenly Dani's eyes got big. She was terrified of that place and Hawkeye knew it. "I know hunny that you didn't like it there but we have to go back there."
"No," Dani cried. "That place scary."
"I know it's scary," Hawkeye said holding his daughter in his lap trying to calm her down, "but that's where they're going to hold the viewing of Mommy." Under normal circumstances Hawkeye would have laughed at the confused face that Dani was giving him but this was different. She already had one emotional attack this evening and he didn't want to bring another one on so he tried his best to explain this to her in a calm voice and hoped his tears would hold off.
"Listen sweetie. I know you're not going to like this too much. When people die some have a viewing before they have the actual service. It's a chance for people to pay there last respect to the deceased. That's what's gonna happen with Mommy."
"Daddy," Dani said as she got under the covers, "Are you going to die soon too?"
Hawkeye was taken back by that question. He then realized that Dani had never seen her Mother healthy except for the few times that Margaret went into remission for a few short weeks.
"Sweetheart, I have every intention of being here with you for a very long time but I can't promise you that. Dani, I know your mother didn't want to die but that's the way life works unfortunately. Some of us are very lucky and we live to be old like Grandpa. Some are not as lucky. When it's our time to go, it's our time."
"But I don't want you to go," Dani said with the silent tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Honey, I know that, and I hope I don't go for a very long time," Hawkeye said as he pulled his daughter out of her bed and hugged her tight to his body. "I know your frightened by all of this right now, but it's going to be okay in the end."
"It can never be okay!" Dani said in between the tears, "My mommy's gone"
"I know sweetie, I know," Hawkeye said trying to reassure her but found that he was crying as well.
Hawkeye pick his daughter up and gently swayed her to calm down and hopefully fall asleep. Within a matter of moments she was out like a light. He put her down in her bed; placed her rag doll next to her; pull the covers up on her; and kissed her on the forehead, noticing that she was still really warm. As he walked out the door, turning off the lights, tears fell from his eyes wondering how his precious angel would handle everything that was about to come her way.
Hawkeye walked downstairs after being assured that Dani had in fact fallen asleep to pick up jackets and clothing that was left on the floor. After cleaning up a bit, he pulled out a bottle of beer and turned on the television. It was a gift that he gave to Margaret allowing her to forget that she was sick for a little while.
An hour or so past and Dani appeared in front of him. He was about to tell her to go back to bed when he noticed that the front of her was wet.
"What happened, sweetheart?"
"I threw up."
"Where?"
"In bed."
He got up and Dani followed right behind him. When he turned on the light her entire bed was covered in it. "I woke up and threw up Daddy. Don't be mad."
Hawkeye turned around to face her, "Honey I'm not mad. You didn't mean to do it. We have to clean it up and you up. Soon Hawkeye had the washer going, cleaning Dani's bedding and pajamas. He felt her head again and noticed it was still quite warm. He had hope her throwing up would have broken it but no such luck.
"Why don't we give you a bath?"
"Daddy, tired."
She looked like death had rolled right over her. "Okay, let's get some clean pj's on and you come and relax with me on the couch." Dani was in agreement and soon the twosome marched back down stairs.
"You sit tight for a moment while I get something," Hawkeye said to Dani. He went into the kitchen to grab a plastic bag and put some ice in it so he could lay it on Dani's forehead.
When he returned to the living room with the ice he stretched out on the couch with Dani on his lap and that's where the two of them slept.
End of Chapter 1