Nightmares
Disclaimer – As usual, don't own 'em...but I sure wish I did, because I'd still play with them.
A/N – This story is based on NettieC's excellent JAG fic entitled Too Late! With her permission, I've "Airwolf-ized" it, and I hope I've done the original justice – robertwnielsen
Summary – Sometimes, the odds work in your favor...and sometimes, they don't.
Hawke advanced towards Caitlin, the expression in his eyes that of a madman. Cait dodged him expertly, and rammed the needle into his chest, all the while remembering what Archangel had told her—"It's supposed to, but don't use it unless you absolutely have to. The reported side effects include radical drops in body temperature, and convulsions...and in about a third of the tests...death." But, she reasoned as she caught Hawke's body and lowered it to the floor of his room, 66% of the test subjects hadn't died. She watched his body as he went through a series of convulsions, then lay still.
"Hawke? Hawke!" She shouted, shaking his limp body, but there was no response. "HAWKE?" Again, no response, even as she placed one ear directly over his heart, listening, straining to hear something...anything. She tried giving him CPR...much the same way she'd tried with her father when she was twelve years old, but still...nothing. Now, she was growing frantic. "NO! I THOUGHT IT'D HELP YOU! NO!" Her tears stained the front of his shirt as she shook his body, pounding on his chest...but it was no use.
Hawke was gone. The man that Dom and Cait had come to rescue had died...and she'd been the reason why. If only I hadn't stabbed you with that damned needle, Hawke...Caitlin said to herself. I coulda taken you in a fight, if it came to that. Sure, you woulda hated me for it...for a while...but at least...at least you'd still be alive to hate me. She couldn't believe that she'd have to get herself, Dom, and...Hawke's body out of Horn's compound, without the ace pilot to assist them.
No time like the present, she said to herself, pushing herself off Hawke's chest, where she'd laid her head after lowering him to the floor, and kissing his cheek tenderly. "I'll be back for you, Hawke. I promise," she whispered, then moved out into the hallway, headed for Dominic's cell.
Fortunately, there was no one guarding the cell when Caitlin approached it...and, even more luckily for her, the guard whose uniform she wore had a set of keys, one of which opened Dominic's cell.
"Who's that?" Dom demanded, looking at the guard but not recognizing his friend.
"Dom, it's me. Caitlin," she said, whipping off her ball cap to reveal her red hair, and Dominic noticeably relaxed.
"Cait...you made it in. How's String? Is he okay? Did...did the drug work?" Dom asked, but when he saw Caitlin hang her head, he knew what the answer would be.
"I'm sorry, Dom," she sobbed, and allowed the older man to embrace her. "He's...he's gone. We've gotta get outta here...are you okay to fly, do you think?"
"I'm...I'm okay, Cait," Dom replied, shaking his head to try to stop the tears, then saying, "But what are we gonna do about..."
"Hawke's body," Cait finished for him, and he nodded. "Don't worry about it, Dom. I've got an idea."
Cait's idea was simple—find a stretcher, and get Hawke out of there. She moved back out into the hallway after replacing her cap, and making sure that her hair was back underneath it, so she would not be recognized. As she continued down the hallway, she was again surprised at the minimum amount of staff personnel she encountered, but finally, she found what she was looking for—a stretcher, left near an elevator which Caitlin was relieved she wouldn't have to take. As she pushed the stretcher back to Hawke's room, Caitlin felt her feelings finally get the best of her, and she began to cry. She stopped at Dominic's room first, and the two of them embraced for a few moments as they remembered their friend. Finally, Dom said, "C'mon, Cait. We gotta get String outta here."
"You're right, Dom," Caitlin replied, gaining control of her emotions.
Fifteen minutes later, Caitlin and Dom pushed the stretcher, with Hawke's body on top, covered by a sheet, out of Hawke's room, meeting no resistance, much to the surprise of both Dom and Caitlin. Caitlin attributed the fact that no one stopped them to the hour, as it was nearly 0300, and most of the doctors and other staff were asleep. Surprisingly, they made it nearly to Airwolf with only minimal resistance, that being another guard walking the opposite way, but he paid Caitlin and Dom no mind, clearly focused on his assigned rounds, and didn't even notice the stretcher she was pushing. He gave them a curt nod, which Caitlin returned, and they were on their way. Maybe Horn brainwashes his guards, too, Cait thought to herself, surprised, yet disappointed that they weren't being forced to fight their way out. I've got a good mind to...she stopped, turned back to where the guard was continuing down the hallway, drew her sidearm, and pumped five rounds into his back, dropping him to the floor, all the while thinking, That's for you, String. I only wish...I wish Horn and that bitch of a daughter of his were here...and that you were here with us.
"Caitlin! What the hell did you do that for?" Dom demanded, as alarms began buzzing along the hallway.
"I'm...I'm sorry, Dom," Caitlin replied as they began pushing the stretcher with increasing speed, Dom looking behind them for enemy troops. Horn's men made their move just before they got out to where Airwolf was parked, and a fierce firefight ensued. Fortunately for Caitlin and Dom, however, her training as a policewoman paid off, and they were able to fight their way to Airwolf. A few minutes later, they were back on board Airwolf, and preparing to leave.
"You ready, Dom?" Caitlin asked from the engineer's station, after placing Hawke's body in the co-pilot's chair.
"Yeah, Cait," Dom replied from the commander's chair, his voice surprisingly strong as he began Airwolf's startup sequence. "Let's get the hell out of here."
Once they were airborne, Dom said, "There's one thing I need to do before we go. Gimme guns and rockets, Cait."
"Got it," she responded, pressing the buttons to deploy Airwolf's weapons systems. "Guns and Hellfires ready, Dom."
"This is for you, String," Dom mumbled as he loosed a volley of Hellfires at the compound, obliterating it. He continued to pour weapons into the fireball, until he heard the click of the trigger against his hand.
"Dom," Cait said, "it's...it's done." Her words rang eerily familiar in Dom's ears...and he recalled saying the same thing to String, after String had tracked down and killed Airwolf's creator, Charles Henry Moffet, who had abducted, tortured, and murdered Hawke's lover, Gabrielle Ademaur.
Dom watched missile after missile fly into the sand where Moffet's Jeep had been. Finally, Dom heard the click of the trigger, and his system readout told him there were no more missiles available to add to the fireball. "String," Dom called out, "it's done." String had reluctantly relaxed his grip on the firing trigger and flew Airwolf away from the carnage.
Dom relaxed his grip on the stick, much as he imagined Hawke had two years ago. "Thanks, Cait," Dom mumbled, then added, "Let's...let's go home." Dom banked Airwolf away from the fires of Horn's compound, fires that would, they both hoped, become funeral pyres for Horn and his daughter Angelica. Caitlin swallowed her anger at not being able to confront Horn's daughter personally, to pay her back for what she'd done to String. And...what she made me do to String, Cait said to herself. She blamed Angelica, even more than she blamed John Bradford Horn, for brainwashing Hawke, which led to Hawke's death. I sure hope she's burnin' right now...and that she burns in hell for what she did. But...what if she got out? What if she and her father weren't even there? I swear, String...If I ever see that bitch...she'll...she'll be sorry she ever met me...or you, Caitlin vowed silently as the tears flowed under her helmet.
As they banked away from the carnage, Caitlin said, "Dom...I'm sorry about what happened back there. I just..."
"I know, Cait," Dom replied as he fought back tears. "I know."
The remainder of the flight home passed in silence, until they landed at Knightsbridge. Caitlin had sent a message to Archangel to notify him of Hawke's death, and Michael met them outside.
"Cait...Dom," Michael said as two men unloaded Hawke's body, "I'm so sorry. I..." His voice broke and he couldn't find the words to describe what he was feeling.
"Michael," Caitlin began, even as she choked back tears, "I understand. You warned us...warned me what the drugs could do to him. I just...I hoped that the odds were in my favor," she finished, just before breaking down in tears.
"Michael," Dom said, "the ship's all yours. I...I can't deal with this anymore. I can't...I can't fly Airwolf without String." He noticed Caitlin's expression, and in spite of everything, was able to force a smile, one which was quickly doused at Dom's next thought. She's leavin', Dom said to himself wearily. At least, I think she is. She'll be goin' home to Texas pretty quick...now that there's nothin' left here for her. Dom had grown to love Caitlin like she was his own daughter, and it hurt him to think that she would never have the chance for happiness with String, like Dom had always hoped she would.
"I understand, Dom," Michael said. "I can have Laura fly you and Cait back to Santini Air when we're finished."
"Michael, there's one other thing," Dom said, "when the autopsy is over...I want..."
"I understand, Dom," Michael said, nodding. He knew Dom wanted to take Hawke's body back to the cabin, to bury on his family's land. "I'll take care of it."
"Thank you. I know we've had our differences in the past...but...you're a good man, Michael."
Michael was dumbstruck. "Thank you, Dominic." I just wish it hadn't taken Hawke's death to get us to mend fences, Michael said to himself as he walked away.
Caitlin watched the two men load Hawke's body onto a stretcher. "Dom," she whispered, "I...I need to go with him. I need to...say goodbye."
"I understand, Cait," Dom said, and followed her and the stretcher. So do I, Dom thought sadly.
Dom and Cait wound up in Autopsy, and looked at Hawke's lifeless body on the table. Caitlin looked at the piercing blue eyes, the eyes that she had fallen so deeply in love with. The eyes that reflected so much pain—his inner pain over the loss of his parents, Kelly, Gabrielle, and Saint John; but also held so much passion—his passion for flying with Dom, or her, in the Lady, his passion for aerial photography...I just wish...I wish those eyes had held that much passion for me. That I'd been able to light those eyes up...the way he lit up mine. She recalled the first time Hawke had really smiled at her, when she found him at the hangar while he was working on that old Stearman two years ago. His eyes had lit up then, when he'd recognized her and called out, "Caitlin! Deputy Caitlin!" I didn't even have the heart to correct you, Hawke...'cause I was so thrilled at your expression...at your smile. 'Course, I was already in love with you...even though you refused to acknowledge how I felt...but I knew, that day, that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you...and now, I won't get that chance.
"Cait...you don't...you don't have to do this," Dom said, even though he knew better.
"Yeah, Dom...I do," Caitlin said haltingly through her tears.
Next, she ran her fingers through the fine, military-cut hair that she'd wanted to touch for so long, wanted to run her fingers through as she controlled Hawke's head in a passionate kiss. She'd done it several times before...but only in her dreams. And...it's not the same, she said to herself, ignoring the tears that were staining Hawke's red shirt. Because you're not here, Hawke.
She glanced at his face...the face that belonged to a man she had hoped to spend the rest of her life with. Caitlin tried to force the memory of the kiss from the movie set last year out of her mind, but she couldn't. God, Hawke. I wanted you to kiss me just like that for the rest of our lives, as my husband. I wanted to be your wife so much, Hawke...even though you never knew it...and now I'll never have you. I'll never know what it feels like to make love to you...and to have you make love to me, the way I always wanted you to. I'll never know what our children might have looked like...never be able to grow old with you. Heck...right now, I'd even tolerate one of your wise-assed comments, String...'cause at least then, I'd know you were alive.
Her sorrow was as much for Dominic as for herself. "Dom," she whispered, fighting back the tears, "I—I don't want them to have him. I want..." her voice broke again, and she felt the tears overwhelm her. I want String back, she said to herself, angrily. She glanced down at Hawke's arms...the arms I wanted to feel around me every night for the rest of our lives. The arms that I wanted to hold me, and my...our child. Now...I'll never get to see that. We'll never have a child, Hawke. And...that means, I'll never have children...because you're the only man I wanted to be the father of my kids. "Dom...Hawke...he can't be dead, Dom. He...he just can't be."
"Cait," Dom said, laying his hand on her shoulder, "the doctor needs to do his job. We should...we should go."
"No," Caitlin stated forcefully. "That doctor's not taking String."
"Miss O'Shannessy," the doctor said, gazing first at her, then at Dom, and finally at Hawke, "I'll take care of him...I promise."
"No," Cait repeated, determined not to let the doctor take Hawke away from her. She picked up Hawke's lifeless left hand...the same hand she'd hoped to slip a wedding ring onto someday, and held it in her own.
"Hawke," she whispered, "I know...I know you can't hear me...but there's a few things I wanted to tell you. Most of all...I have loved you since the day you came to Texas...and I always will. You're...you're the only man I ever wanted, Stringfellow Hawke...and I'll never love anyone else, as long as I live." She reached up to the eyes that stared, lifeless, and gently slipped them closed.
"String...you are my soulmate, even though you never knew it...and I will never...never love anyone again," she vowed. "I...I can't." She paused for a moment, collecting her thoughts, then continued, "The thing that makes me sickest is...you were always so worried that you were gonna lose me, String...that's why you never let yourself love me. And now," her voice broke again, and she had to pause a few moments before she could finish her thought. "Now...I've lost you, and you'll never know...how much I loved you. Just...promise me one thing, String," she murmured, and Dom was startled by her use of his first name. "Promise me...promise me that we're good...because if we're not..." She laid her head against his chest, one ear just over his heart, the way she had in his room. She supposed she was hoping to hear his heart begin to beat, that this had all been a terrible, cruel joke. Finally, she lifted her head and pressed a kiss to his cold lips. "And...I'm sorry, String. I'm so damned sorry that this happened to you...and, that it's my fault that you're dead. But know this, Stringfellow Hawke...you weren't just the man I loved...you were my best friend." She hung her head and looked down at him, attempting to memorize every detail of his face before she lost him forever. "Good-bye, String," she finally whispered, then added, "Good-bye...my love."
"Come on, Cait," Dom said as he turned her towards the exit. "The doctor needs to...needs to do his thing." He led Caitlin out of the room, but just as they reached the door, Caitlin broke free of his hold and ran back to Hawke, screaming, "NO! STRING! NO! COME BACK TO ME, STRING! I LOVE YOU!"
Dom raced toward her and grabbed her around the waist, shouting, "Cait! Cait...it's over! He's gone! Come on, Cait!"
"NO, DOM! NO!" Her tears flowed uncontrollably as Dom wrapped her in his arms, patting her back as he tried to get her to calm down.
Caitlin felt her body seem to crumble beneath her, and felt herself falling to the floor. Just before she hit, though, she felt something encircle her body and pull her to her feet, and felt her body wrapped in strong, comforting arms.
"Hey, Cait...it's okay," Dom was saying, but something didn't seem right to Caitlin. Dom's voice...sounds different. Hawke...where have they taken Hawke? I've gotta...gotta...things were beginning to fade before her eyes, and she couldn't understand what was happening to her. Meanwhile, a voice was buzzing in her ears, softly at first, then with increasing persistence.
"Cait? Caitlin? Come on, Cait...look at me, please," Hawke was saying as he rubbed Caitlin's back, trying to get her to wake up from the nightmare. "Caitlin, wake up!" The increase in the volume of his voice finally drew Caitlin out of the dream and back to him.
"S—String?" Caitlin murmured, not wanting to believe what she was hearing. It's impossible...you're dead! "String, is that you?" She forced herself to look in the direction of the voice, and was shocked to see the ice-blue eyes of her husband staring back at her, the concern, fear, and love all obvious in them. And, Caitlin added to herself, remembering her thoughts a few moments ago, I—I see String's passion for me in his eyes.
"Yeah, Cait," Hawke murmured as he pulled her body close to his, "it's me. I'm here, beautiful. I'm right here with you. You...you wanna talk about it?"
"Nuh," Caitlin mumbled against his chest, as she listened to his strong heartbeat, the heartbeat she had convinced herself had been silenced forever. "Just...just want you to hold me, String." For the next few minutes, they held each other, as Caitlin cried herself out, and tried desperately to convince herself that she was really there, in the cabin, in Hawke's bed, and in Hawke's arms. Hawke, for his part, was trying everything he knew to comfort his wife. Hawke knew that when he heard Caitlin scream, 'NO! STRING! NO! COME BACK TO ME, STRING! I LOVE YOU!' he had been more frightened than he had been at any time in his life, even when he was recovering from Horn's brainwashing and thought he had murdered Dom. Hawke knew of only one thing that would elicit that kind of reaction from her. It happened again, Hawke said to himself as he held his wife. Her nightmare...where I...died.
Finally, Caitlin thought she had recovered enough to look her husband in the eyes. She gazed into the ice-blue orbs that she'd closed just a few moments ago...in my nightmare, she said to herself, then added, Thank God...It was...only a nightmare.
"Cait? You had the nightmare again, didn't you? I...I died, didn't I?" Hawke asked. He knew Caitlin had been having nightmares about Hawke dying at her hands in the Horn compound...but they're only dreams, Hawke said to himself. He knew about nightmares, of course...he'd had his fair share of them after he came home from Vietnam. Cait knows I'm alive. But...I suppose I can prove it to her...if she needs me to, Hawke said to himself.
"Aha," Cait answered, feeling her voice get stronger. She reached up and ran her fingers through his hair, and was relieved when he kissed her again. God, Hawke...It felt...it felt so real. I can't believe you're actually here...in my arms...and alive.
Finally, Caitlin felt like she could talk about what she'd dreamt. She told String how her nightmare always began, with him attacking her in his room back in the Horn compound, and how, after a short fight, she'd stabbed him with Archangel's antidote. "But, in the nightmare...you never wake up," Caitlin said, forcing a fresh wave of tears down, "and Dom and I have to get out of there...alone." She tightened her arms around String again, and was gratified to feel his arms tightening around her in return.
"Well, Caitlin," Hawke said as he pulled her body against his, laying her head on his shoulder and taking one of her hands, and placing it over his heart, "I promise you this—I am very much alive—and, I love you. I love you, so very much," Hawke continued, and allowed her to pull back just enough to smile at her, then pulling her close to him again.
"I know, String," Caitlin breathed as her body melded against his, her head settling in the crook of his neck. She struggled to slow her breathing to match his, to slow the beat of her racing heart, even as her arms went around her husband's waist, tightening around him like steel bands. If this is what it takes to convince her that I'm alive, she can do this forever...if she needs to, Hawke said to himself.
In the time Hawke had known this fiery, headstrong redhead, he'd never seen anything—anything—terrify her the way that these nightmares had. But since they'd been married...and more importantly, since she found out she was pregnant with his child four months ago, Caitlin's nightmares had increased in intensity until tonight. The look of utter devastation and pain he'd seen in her eyes every night had chilled him nearly to his soul, the soul he didn't think he had, but had found, thanks to the sobbing woman he held. In everything they'd seen...everything they'd been through, he'd never seen a look like that. Even during all his time in Vietnam, when he watched his comrades...his friends...his brothers in arms...die in front of him, Stringfellow Hawke had never seen an expression of abject terror like that. It was reserved specifically for the immediate aftermath of these nightmares...the nightmares in which her soulmate, her best friend, was ripped away from her, at her own hand. And it was that expression in his wife's eyes, that combination of abject terror and pain, that nearly killed Stringfellow Hawke every time he saw it.
"String," she whispered, pulling him closer to her body, and rolling beneath him, "Please...I need you. Please, String...take me. Take me, and take all this pain away." She needed him...all of him...to feel him around her, on top of her, and inside her.
Caitlin claimed Hawke's lips with her own as he moved over her, and, he knew her desperation to feel him...touch him...taste him...to prove to herself, once again, that her husband was alive and well. "Caitlin O'Shannessy Hawke," he murmured as he covered her body with his own and moved inside her, before he took her lips again, "I am very much alive, and well...and I love you, so very, very much." Then, their lips met again, and there was no more time...or opportunity...to talk.
"Cait?"
"Yes, String?"
"Do you believe me, now...do you believe that I'm really alive?"
"Yeah, String...I believe you," Caitlin said, reassured by the feeling of Hawke's strong arms around her, and the familiar presence of his body against hers. "But...the dream...you died, String...and I was the one who killed you."
"Cait," Hawke began, not sure what he was going to say, then deciding, "you were the one who saved all of us...and Airwolf. You set my head right with that antidote...and if you hadn't, Horn would have Airwolf, and we'd all be dead."
"I know, String," she murmured as she snuggled close to him again. "It just seemed so real..."
"I know, Cait," Hawke answered her, "but believe me...it was only a nightmare...we're both here, alive and well...and," he said, sliding his hand down to her belly, "you're having my baby, just like you said you wanted to."
"String? Do me a favor?"
"If I can, Cait," Hawke promised her.
"Promise me you'll never leave me...or our baby," she whispered as she held him, and gazed into the ice-blue orbs that she loved.
"Cait...I don't...I mean..." Hawke hesitated, remembering a similar promise someone else had made him, a long time ago. Finally, seeing Caitlin's eyes fill with tears once again, he spoke. "Caitlin Hawke, I swear to you...I will never...ever leave you, or our baby." Hawke repeated solemnly as he gazed into her blue-green eyes and kissed her again, with every ounce of love and passion he held for her, then the two of them snuggled back into each other's embrace for the night.