Author's note: As my regular readers know, I have made it a hobby of late to take passages I find on Harry Potter stories that have one crucial word misspelled or misused, and then write stories in which these malapropisms are taken literally. Now, we all know that such passages are equally easy, if not more so, to find in the PJ&O subcategory; hence, the present collection. As in the original "Minuets", the attributions may or may not be verifiable when you read this, since the authors in question may choose to correct their syntax, change their pen names, and/or delete their stories; still, you have my word that these passages have all really appeared in this subcategory.

A word about technique. Obviously, none of these vignettes actually reflect the intentions of the authors quoted, and in many cases the whole context of the passage has been radically altered. However, I have made it an ironclad rule that any pronoun will refer to the same person or thing in the Minuet as in the original story, and any direct quote will be attributed to the same character. (And of course this applies to OCs and historical figures as well as to canon characters.)

Disclaimer: Percy Jackson and the Olympians belongs to Rick Riordan; the stories quoted belong to the authors named (one of whom actually makes an appearance in the appropriate Minuet); the cover image is by Filippo Baratti; various other allusions to works and persons not my own abound. The stories themselves, however, are strictly my own work.

Other Minuets collections: If you enjoy these tales, you may also wish to look into "Minuets Assemble!" (Avengers [Movies]), "Minuets by Brain Matter" (NCIS), "Minuets by John Williams" (Star Wars), "Minuets by Guitar Villain" (Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Cat Noir), and "Minuets with Bombadil" (Lord of the Rings) – and, of course, the Harry Potter series that started it all, "Minuets in B Minor". All are currently available on my profile.

"Are you backing out of this dare, Percy? You can take on a Titian, but not this dare?" –higherthanlove22, "Truth or Dare?"

"Fund Gaia, would you, you Phrygian skunk? Well, take that! And that!"

Annabeth and Grover ran through the corridors of the Kroměříž Chateau Gallery, to the orange-walled room whence their friend's manic cries proceeded. "Percy!" Annabeth shouted.

"Not now, Annabeth!" said Percy, a fell light blazing in his eyes. "Not till I've sent this ass-eared betrayer of civilization back to Tartarus where he belongs!"

"Percy, that's not Midas!"

Percy froze, and looked at her in bewilderment. "What?" he said. "Of course it's Midas. Do you think I don't know Midas when I see him?"

"It's a picture of Midas," said Annabeth. "A detail of Titian's last major mythological painting, 'The Flaying of Marsyas'. What you just did was destroy the right-hand side of the most valuable work of art in this museum."

Slowly, Percy turned his gaze back to the mutilated canvas before him, and the berserk frenzy faded from his eyes. "Oh," he said in a small voice. "So that's why Riptide wasn't turning to gold."

Grover groaned. "Well, this is going to be interesting to explain to the curators…"

"As she said this, a hansom guy came up behind her, putting his arms around her waist." –Mwbp, "New Day"

"Tony!" Thalia exclaimed. "How many times have I told you, not in public!"

"Begging your pardon, miss," said the young cabbie, taking a step back. "But I call it a right shame, the two of us being promised to each other – by the blessing of Zeus, no less – and then acting all formal-like when we runs into each other. 'Tain't what engagements was meant for – leastways, not as I ever heard on." And he gave her a sly wink.

Thalia rolled her eyes. "You know," she said, turning back to Annabeth, "I'm grateful that Dad found a loophole in the prophecy; really, I am. The power to destroy Olympus is something I'm all too glad to turn over to my husband, and, if that means entering into a 19th-Century marriage with a worthy youth restored from the Asphodel Fields, I'm good with it. But, I don't know, there's still some part of me that just doesn't feel cut out to be the wife of a Victorian hansom-cab driver."

Annabeth laughed. "Oh, I think you'll do okay," she said. "And, anyway, it's been worth it just to see you in crinolines."

"Sure enough, it had been exactly one year and three hours since Kronos had been vanquished along with Luke to the pits of Tartarus, by a couple of teenagers, a satire, and a Cyclops, no less." –AnagramRMX, "Dishonoring Parentage"

"It is over, Romans," said the Titan-possessed son of Mercury. "The age of the gods ends today; the Golden Age of yore returns. And the time shall come when you will rejoice that this was done – that you were relieved of the yoke of corruption with which Jove and his brood oppressed you, and restored to the simplicity and virtue of former days."

"He lies!" Lupa cried. "Believe him not!"

"But I do believe him, Mother," said Jason softly. "There must have been true virtue on Earth at one time, mustn't there? Chastity, for instance; I can believe that chastity tarried on Earth in the days of Saturnus Rex, when the world was new and the sky freshly created, and mountain wives spread humble beds of leaves and straw and animal skins. Not like you!" he snapped suddenly, turning on Reyna with blazing eyes. "You who burst into tears when a sparrow dies, and all the time your breasts are primed for certain overgrown infants to guzzle at!"

A mixture of shocked gasps and bewildered murmurs rippled among the crowd of New Romans, but Reyna's own eyes gleamed with comprehension. "It's an ancient and hackneyed practice, Jason," she shot back. "If you don't like it, there are plenty of nooses in the world, plenty of high windows, and the Golden Gate Bridge is right there to be jumped off of. Or maybe you'd prefer to find some boy to go with, who won't argue with you at night or complain that you're ignoring him."

"Maybe I would," Jason spat. "I should have known, I tell you. A girl whose own father wouldn't be shamed by her kisses is so rare these days, it's worth sacrificing a gilded heifer to Juno if you find one. The rest of you? You'd no more be satisfied with just one boyfriend than with just one eye!"

As if on cue, a Cyclopean battle cry echoed from the ledge above, followed almost immediately by an enraged, despairing shriek. While all eyes – including the enemy's – had been watching the inexplicable vituperations of the two praetors, the double agent Steropes had snuck up behind Luke/Saturn and thrust a flaming shaft of bronze through his skull; now, as all New Rome turned and watched him plummet to earth, the Underworld opened its maw and received its ancient prisoner once again.

As their fellow demigods, revitalized by this abrupt reversal, whipped out their weapons and advanced on the dismayed forces of the Crooked One, Jason and Reyna shared a sly smile. "Well," said Reyna. "Score one for Roman literature."

"I know," said Jason. "Who'd have thought that Saturn's downfall would lie in Juvenal's Sixth Satire?"

"New Yorker Annabeth Chase is a proper royale." –outofstyle95, summary to "Carpathia"

"No, Percy, don't!" Piper shouted, lunging toward her fellow demigod in the McDonald's booth as though the fate of the world depended on it.

Percy blinked, and lowered the burger he had been about to bite into. "Why, what's the matter?" he said. "Is it poisoned, or something?"

"It's Annabeth."

Percy stared. "Excuse me?"

Piper shrugged helplessly. "I don't know the details," she said. "But I heard these two voices talking behind the counter in French, and they were saying something about having made the Chase girl into a Royale, and wouldn't Poseidon's son be humbled when he learned how they'd brought him down to their level. I couldn't figure out what they meant at first, but then I remembered watching Pulp Fiction with Dad that one time…"

Hazel frowned. "Laistrygonians, you think?" she said. "Come down from Quebec?"

"Must be," said Nico grimly. "Rachel said Annabeth would be in danger if she moved to New York, didn't she? Percy, let me see that."

He took the burger out of Percy's hands, and inspected it with the eye of a son of Hades. "Well," he said after a moment, "the good news is, there's no taint of slaughter on it. They must have turned her into it directly, instead of pulling an Io on her and then getting out the axe. So Mr. D can probably restore her, if we get her back to camp in time."

He carefully refolded the wrapper, and handed the burger back to Percy. The latter, still dazed, took it and stared down at it for a moment or two; then, abruptly, he let out a bitter laugh not untinged with hysteria. "Figures, doesn't it?" he said. "The one time I get a Quarter Pounder prepared properly, and I can't eat it because it's my girlfriend. The Fates must really hate me, I tell you what…"

"Oh, Percy, don't be silly," Piper charm-spoke soothingly. "You're actually lucky, having found out in time; it's more than Tereus did. Now take a deep breath, and let's go."