Disclaimer: I do not own Howl's Moving Castle

Unforgettable

For Faith Daye

It was a beautiful night as young Howl Pendragon looked out the window as he was finishing his studies for the night. There were so beautiful nights now but then that was because his sight was always clouded by darkness and pessimism. All young boys his age would love to hold magic at the end of their finger tips but hated every moment of it. Or more he had been denied any reason to love this 'gift' as his uncle liked to call it. He had to work hard to be able to find any good use for all that he had been given. He had to work hard. It was always best to pace yourself when it came to these things. If you did everything in one go it never went in. Or that was what his uncle told him and considering the fact that he had a lot more experience in these things he was likely to know better. He was the only one who he could really go to for guidance now, since his own mother could barely look at him any more. In fact, after a while he couldn't bare to live in the same house as her and had to go with his uncle if he was even going to be considered welcome into a room let alone in a house. He was staying in his uncles cabin, as he did every summer, which he gave to him for him to spend his time studying in and among other reasons. He knew what it was like to be at the beginning to this journey, he knew how hard it was to accept and how it changed the relationships with those around you.

The sorcerer's gift had been passed onto him and his uncle could empathise how much of a burden it could be. It was a lot of responsibility to expect from such a young child, even his daughter, Howl's cousin had to get her head around what was really being asked of her. She was enjoying it as of now and it was easier for her to accept because her father made it easier. She didn't really see the magnitude of this power though. She didn't see the whole picture of it all, but she would one day, when she would have an experience similar to Howl's. It was a terrible necessity of their development but it was the only way to achieve one's potential. You also needed to work at it as well. He needed space to study, practice and explore his powers without causing any damage or injuries to others. He had already done enough of that. He just needed to find a way to not always be feeling guilty about his gift. He was the only one in his family who was given the gift. His mother, his mother's brother didn't have the gift. She never cared much for having one either. He never really understood why his mother hated it so much? She never even spoke of his father and suspected it was something he had done. He didn't dare to ask his uncle in case he got angry or upset himself.

He was alone. There was no one to tell him how to get through this except his uncle and he had a feeling that he was not entirely sure what was the best thing to tell his young nephew in order to comfort him. No one amongst his mother and sisters understood what it was like to have this heavy burden on his shoulders. They didn't know how painful it was to feel like an outsider. Who were they to reject or judge him for what he was? How could they really judge him without knowing what he was or what he was going through? Or even what was expected of him? His father died when he was very young so everyone had always depended on him to be the man of the house. He couldn't even remember what he looked like. He would finally found a picture of him in his adolescence long after this night and he would see that he was the spitting image of his father. He would be proud of this. He would be glad that he was nothing like the mother who judged him without a second thought. Now everyone was fearing the man of the house. He would never do anything to them but he supposed they had a good reason to fear him. The painful thing was that for what they feared him for was the part of himself he came to love the most. It was wonderful, yes. He couldn't deny that. It granted him all the freedom any person would want. But it was also difficult at times as well.

Especially when there was no one to talk to about it. There was no one to talk to about how much it was going to change those plans he made for himself as a child. Children always had ambitions for the future until things like this came along and that wasn't possible anymore. Then there was when his mother and sister looked at him like he was some kind of monster. They were all so affectionate once and now, now that wasn't possible anymore. There was only him. For months he had to keep this to himself before it had become too long to hide this from his mother. His uncle and his cousin, Felicity were the only ones he could talk to about his powers to and it was weeks until after he came out to his mother about it until he was able to see them let alone talk to them about the whole affair. Whenever they visited or vice versa he would talk about it with them for hours and hours. In those hours he would feel more free than when he was walking on thin air. He wouldn't have to worry about talking about whatever he wanted and expressing his real emotions on the subject. The rest of the family would be separate from them and even watch them from a distance from time to time. It was like they were in their own bubble-like world and for some reason there was this rule or boundary and you were never allowed to cross it.

It saddened Howl that his family felt that they couldn't be part of his world. If they were perhaps they would understand, maybe they wouldn't see him as a monster because they would know that there was nothing to fear. They felt now that he was different to them that they would immediately be leading completely different lives. In some ways they were right, but they didn't have to be completely and utterly right in other respects. He tried on so many occasions to show them how wonderful it was but they rejected him on all occasions. Some other families boasted about the fact that they had a magical child or relative in the family. For Pendragon's it was a different matter. It wasn't that they were prejudiced against sorcerer's and sorceresses. It was just that they were afraid of Howl. He knew that all too well. He could tell that that they were afraid of him. That was what he hated most of all. The fear in their eyes whenever he sat down to dinner or walked past them in the corridor. He remembered the first time he displayed his abilities and the look in her mothers eyes frightened him. He looked at her with wide-eyed, stricken horror. Like he was cursed. That was the day he began to feel ashamed of his existence. Before he loved his sisters and his mother so much but after that day. His relationship had changed altogether. He had no idea what was wrong with it. What he had done wrong.

He remembered hearing her crying one night. "My son. My son has the curse."

She could have said anything else and he wouldn't have been as hurt and wounded as he had been by those words. She couldn't have said anything worse than saying that he was cursed. After that he always wondered what she meant by the curse. However this was the worst time for him to stop exploring and using his powers. They were straining to be out of his body at this point they wanted to be free. They wanted to roam. They wanted him to use them. The less he used them the more sick he became. This was when his uncle stepped in to see what was wrong. When he saw him he knew immediately what it was and Howl discovered the truth as to why his mother was so afraid of magic and for Howl it was worse than he could've imagined. Her father was a dark wizard who manipulated people with his abilities. He studied magic which was forbidden by the council and abused his own two children. He abused his uncle on the account that he wasn't 'good enough' to be a wizard and saw him as a coward. He abused Howl's mother on the account that she had not inherited his powers.

"It's not your fault." His uncle assured him. "It's the pain and suffering which our father caused her which has made her fear magic so much. After what's she been through I don't she will ever be able to see any good in it at all. In some ways I don't blame her."

But why does she have to fear me? Howl would sometimes wonder.

After this his uncle offered for him to spend time in the cabin the mountains during the summer when he would be expected to be at home. Although there was no matter of considering between the two for long. It was in a beautiful valley of jade green hills littered with flowers of pink and yellow with the landscape being kept in a tight embrace of the tall, silver mountains which surrounded it. There was a stream running along the cabin which it's gentle sounds would lull Howl to sleep on restless nights. After a few months with his mother it had become unbearable for the both of them so his uncle saw separation as painful as it would be would be the best solution. At least now Howl wouldn't have to be treated as an unwanted guest or a dark curse hovering above the household any more. In his own home as well. Most people in his station wouldn't stand for that kind of behaviour since he was technically 'the man of the house' but he didn't want to be that kind of a son. But then again not everything hadn't turned out as he planned. It soon got to a point where any person would see the way he was treated as a little extreme. The Academy had become Howl's sanctuary as well as his playground. Not only was he accepted he was allowed to use and explore his powers. But still his mother wasn't there.

"Don't worry, Howl." His uncle assured him once. "She'll come round."

He would nod as he always did with his uncle and take his word for it but he had a feeling that this was never going to be the case. He allowed himself to be lied to but worst of all, he allowed himself to believe the lie. He was sure that he would go mad if he didn't. He should have been more forgiving towards his mother, perhaps he should have given her and his sister another chance. Perhaps if he spent more time with them rather than hiding away in his room and from their fearful looks they may have come to understand that he would never mean them any harm. But at the time he was too angry with them to even consider this an option. Howl needed some time alone anyway, having these powers made you want to contemplate more on your humanity. Whether some of things witches and wizards were capable of were ethical. There were exams coming up and he really needed to concentrate but that night the star shower outside was distracting him. He couldn't help it they were just so beautiful. They were like sparse, glittering snowflakes. As they fell down to the earth sparkles of dust was scattered about in the air and was spread out in random directions which would soon evaporate into the air.

As he watched them fall from the heavens he thought about what they reminded him of. Maybe snow? Although they seemed to glow too much. It was like he was watching millions of lanterns were flying down from the sky from a far, far distance. There was something familiar about the sensations he was feeling as he was watching them. It was almost like a show you watched when you were still extremely when everything seemed to be made by magic. It was like fireworks but much more wondrous. He reminded when they new year would come around he and his sister would be taken by their mother to the New Year celebrations. He would feel so happy and content as he stared up at the night skies as he watched the fireworks explode into tiny little fragments. The warmth of his mother and sisters hands clutching his would make him feel safe and secure. There were never going to be any more new years. No new beginning. There was no way he was going to be able to make things be as they once were. He couldn't tear his eyes away any more. The exams didn't hold any importance to him any more. This was much more important. There was something about this which told him this was going to be an unforgettable night. One that was going to define and change his life.

Howl.

Howl looked up when he first heard the voice beckoning him. It was strange when he first heard it. It was such an alien voice to him but at the same time he recognised it like an old friend was calling to him. It was like a siren song calling out to him to meet his death. A death which was so seductive that the concept of fearing the very idea of dying had disappeared completely when he became so entranced by the song. He knew he should've ignored it from the very beginning and carried on studying but he could help it. When he was introduced to this new world of magic his curiosity increased with each passing moment when he learned something new. His first instinct would have told him to look behind him thinking that it was his uncle. When he had established that he was alone then he jumped to the conclusion that he was hearing things. He had been in that cabin, by himself, for a few days now. It would be perfectly understandable for him to begin to have cabin fever at some point. Perhaps if he went outside for some fresh air he might be able to clear his mind...Still, it might be his uncle. He would be the only person who would come here. But then he realised that it sounded nothing like his uncle. The voice was too haunting, seductive, beautiful, terrible, vague, clear. How could a voice be all those things? It was impossible but that was the only way that he could describe it.

Howl.

Before he knew it he was walking out of his seat and towards the star shower. It sounded beautiful when he thought about it. He tried saying it aloud and found he could only say it with a smile on his face. He knew that there was something about it which would lead to consequences which were beautiful as well as terrible. Something inside him told him that he should stay where he was. That once he walked out the door there would be no going back he could feel the dread shaking him all over as if something inside him was trying to strike him to the floor to stop him from going out there. He knew something in his heart was warning him against what he was doing but the impulses, the desire stirring within him was too strong. His legs seemed to have a mind of their own but he knew the only reason why he was moving was because this was what his heart wanted above all else. All that reason and logic was gone now. There was nothing else that he wanted more than to find the voice which was calling out to him. He had no idea who it was or what they wanted. All he wanted was to find them. That was all. He pushed the door open without any shred of doubt in his mind that he had to be outside. It was like he was desperate for air and wanted to fill his lungs again with the pure mountain air in hope that it would purify him once again. In the warm night air, standing underneath the glittering shower of falling stars.

He wanted to allow the stars to pour over him with its magic. He wanted them to wash away everything, all the reasons why his mother and sister would no longer embrace him, love him. He wanted things to be as they once were. Once he had all this power everything had become so complicated. Everything inside him felt so tangled and disjointed. It was so beautiful, so wrong. He knew in his mind that what he was doing was wrong, but he knew even more that his heart desired it so badly. Above everything else he needed to be outside, dancing under the stars as if he didn't have a care in the world. As if the concept of responsibility didn't exist. It was pure lust and desire which was motivating him and nothing else. If he was more reasonable at the time he would be able to admit to this and he would realise it would be better to return inside and stay away. But he wasn't being driven by logic right now. There was nothing else which could explain his actions when he looked back at that night in hindsight. He wanted this so much that he would rip out his own heart in order to hear that voice again. To dance under the falling stars for all eternity. His heart was calling out to the voice. He wanted it to come back, to guide him to where it was. He wanted to speak to him again. He wanted to touch the owner of the voice.

Howl.

Howl. Come to me.

Howl. Come to me. I've been waiting so long.

He was out the door before he even knew what was going on. He looked around and glanced over his shoulder for a moment, considering going back. It was too late now. There was no going back now. Howl walked out onto the grass with the sensation of soft, velvet grass brushing against his bare feet would usually be a wonderful sensation. It was too wonderful for him to want to go back now. On some nights when he simply just couldn't sleep he would wonder out into the hills and allow himself to be enveloped in to the open darkness of the countryside. He wanted to walk into the embrace of something which would be probably be no good for him simply because it was easier than fighting for his mothers love all over again. There were no street lamps to guide him home. The only light he had out in the wild was if he was lucky enough to have the moon out that night. However that night he wasn't paying attention to anything around him. He wasn't even thinking logically, the thought of this being some evil sorcerer or witch never occurred to him. He didn't even notice the warm, gentle wind stroking against his skin. Not the beautiful scenery around him being lit up by the bright, illuminating moonlight. He wasn't paying attention to any of this. None of this matter to him any more.

Howl. Come.

Come.

Don't be afraid.

Howl smiled thinking that this voice obviously didn't know him well. He had never been so afraid in all his life. He didn't even know what he was doing but he was doing it anyway. He was being driven by fear. He felt that if he did something right by this being then maybe he would find someone else to accept him. Someone else to make him feel less lonely. Fear wanted to draw him back because he knew he was doing the wrong thing. He was doing this out of selfishness and laziness. He was willing to push his old family aside for another which was just as likely to want to use him for less than moral reasons. This was going to be something which was likely to ruin his life but he didn't really care. He had stopped caring long ago about what was right and wrong. He just wanted to be happy.

The stars were falling down to the earth and when they hit the ground they seemed to explode but they weren't destructive explosions. He walked through his battlefield calmly knowing that they weren't going to harm him. They weren't anything like explosions it was more like something being sprinkled across the earth but it only did this after a collision with the ground. He was sure that he felt a spray of fallen star against his hand for a moment. It was like water being sprayed at you except at the same time if like a feather was being brushed against your skin. They broke as silently as the ringing of a silver bell round a lambs neck. It was so quiet and delicate he wouldn't have been able to hear it from the cabin. Who could have thought that such a gentle, silent death was possible? Especially for something as colossal as a star. However these stars seemed to be cages as when they broke apart some ghostly, silvery creatures seemed to run out of them but they soon disappeared into the air. Howl was almost afraid of them for a moment. They were so alien and strange to him he was very right to feel threatened by them. It was like they were running away from something. It was either they hadn't made it to safety and some invisible force had got them or they had hidden in the air.

Howl, please.

I need you.

Where are you?

Look up.

Howl craned his neck back and found himself under the falling stars. He remembered that celebration from all those years ago when he was a boy. When he held his mothers hand as he watched the firework burst across the sky. For a moment he was filled with that child-like wonder yet again. Just for a moment or maybe for a little longer than he cared to admit. He had spent some restless nights out looking up at the sky but never had he been under a shower of falling stars. There was nothing like it. The whole experience seemed surreal enough without hearing the voice in his head to beckon him to this beautiful spectacle orchestrated by the heavens. He was surprised that they could even talk let alone that he could hear their voices. No one had ever told him that the stars had a language, that there was even a way of conversing with such things. Then he could see that there would be some form a spirit within something which burned with so much energy for so long. All of them were falling down so fast how could he tell which one was talking to him. They were all falling down so fast like his hopes then suddenly there was one shining brighter than any other. It was falling down slower than any other. He reached out his hands and caught it before it fell to the ground.

Howl.

I'm here.

I know. I need you. I need to be part of you. I need your heart. Will you give me your heart?

Yes.

He looked around helplessly hoping someone would appear to tell him everything was okay and would tell him what to do. He even hoped that his uncle would appear despite knowing that he wouldn't want him to be out here in the first place. He just needed someone to help him so that he would know what to do. He didn't know what he was supposed to do. He felt so helpless yet he desperately wanted to help this fallen star, to save it from the fate it was trying to escape from. He knew how it felt to be rejected but still wanted to matter. It still wanted to live. Without thinking he brought the shining star to his mouth and swallowed it. He didn't know why he did it. Maybe it was instinct, it told him it needed to be a part of him. They needed to be one so he couldn't think of any better way for him to be able to be part of him. He had a feeling though that it had always been a part of him and now their bond was going to be all the more stronger. He couldn't see why it would be a logical thing to do. It burned his throat and made him wince. He could feel his insides beginning to rip apart, to burn away as if he had swallowed some acid. It revolted him. His bones felt like they were crunching against one another. His body wanted to rip itself apart. His heart felt like it was going to burst out of his chest but instead it slid out. No blood. He looked down at the star against and it stared back. It was red now.

"Howl! Calcifer!"

They both looked up to see a girl with silver hair falling into a hole. How did she know his name? Who was Calcifer?

"Find me in the future!"

Then she was gone. So suddenly, without another word or explanation. He couldn't even understand how she got here without him knowing. He was so in the middle of nowhere there was no way he wouldn't able to feel her near to the house. Howl blinked, knowing that this was going to be the most bizarre and most memorable night that he would ever have. All of this had to mean something. There had to be a reason why she was here, there had to be a reason why this star was calling out to him in the darkness asking for his help. There was a reason why he had these powers. There was something almost colossal about what he was feeling, like it was going to determine not only his fate but the fate of many others that he either didn't know yet or would never know. But it was the girl which intrigued him the most. Almost like she never existed, like a ghost which passed through the mind, wandering throughout all eternity looking for their lost lover. There was also something about her which told him that she was going to be very important to him. To both of them. She was the one who was going to make this all fit together. Howl began to wonder who was her lover...Had she ever loved someone or did she go out her whole life being as lonely as he was? Who was she though? She was so beautiful. He wanted to give the star to her but it was too late. She was gone. He turned to the star in his hands and leaned closer to it.

"Who are you? What is your name?"

"I have no name. If you feel you need to give me a name."

He blinked at him, not knowing this was something which was required of him. It wasn't a big request but he didn't want there to be any complaints afterwards. Howl thought about it for a while. He had to think about this very carefully if he was the one who was responsible for his rebirth. He didn't know why he had to be the one to name him. Why couldn't he think of a name for himself? Why didn't he have a name in the first place? You would think after living for so many centuries he would have been given one by now. Maybe he had forgotten his name. Or maybe it was when you did something like this you had to get rid of your past name for the new life they were about to enter into. He still didn't understand why he couldn't just stick with the name which he obviously always had. Most stars were given names so that it would be easy to point them out in the sky. He never thought something like this would be this difficult. Parents seemed to find it pretty easy. This was reasonably important considering that he was going to be choosing the name of someone which they were going to have to bare for the rest of their lives. It was almost like having to name your child...After a long time of thinking about it he knew there was only one name which seemed right at this moment.

"Calcifer."