Forward

I'm writing this as a way to express myself. As the events of this story are nearing their first and second year marks and the pains are all still fresh, I finally need to let go. The events in this "story" are all true; the dates are exact; the conversations as I remember (since remembering conversations is my forte); the texts are copied and pasted from my email and iPhone. There will be some cursing and MC, though I'll spare you the majority of details. This is your typical high school story, one of teenage discovery, lust, loss, angst, firsts, and love, but one that has no fallacies underlying it.

I'm writing this for myself, and for someone else, though they may not realize it. They've taught me more about life in these long but oh-so-short years than I have in all my other sixteen years combined.

I thank you all who read in advance. Any words, critical, encouraging, or simply commenting, are immeasurably appreciated from the bottom of my heart.

Names have been changed to fit into this, but it helps to protect their identity and those who they have affected.

August 10, 2009

I stepped out of mom's Lexus, freshly shaved and staring at the back of the school. There would be no Silly Stringing these three Freshman. We were smart enough to avoid the upperclassmen and not go in through the front of the school.

Good thing, too; a couple of our middle school gang and some other Freshmen we met at the various fall sports camps were looking sullen, green, blue and pink strings splatted on their shirts. I smirked, and ran a hand through my messy bronze hair.

The bell rang fairly shortly after we arrived. We had to find our Alpha Home Room number where we would sit with a teacher we probably wouldn't have with other kids sharing the first letter of our last name, get our code of conduct and school forms, our schedule and planners.

Jasper went upstairs with the other Ws; Alice and I headed towards the Bs and Cs, where we separated into different rooms.

My home room teacher that year would be my teacher during junior year. She was loud and bragging about her photography work on the school's planner, but she knew what she was talking about. Quickly enough, she stopped and handed out our schedules.

CULLEN, EDWARD ANTHONY

Pre International Baccalaureate Semester One

Period One Economics

Period Two English Pre IB

Period Three Algebra 1 Pre IB

Period Four Biology Pre IB

Period Five Ceramics 1

Period Six Spanish 1 Pre IB

Period Seven JROTC

Period Eight Concert Band

It wasn't anything special. We had seen them at Freshman orientation, and I already knew I had no classes with Alice or anybody else from my middle school, like Tyler, Jasper, Eric, or any of my other jock friends.

I was one of the few people in my first period when I arrived, and I sat in a corner alone, hoping somebody from middle school would have my class. One boy did; Mike. We mutually disliked one another, me for saying baseball was filled with pricks, he saying lacrosse wasn't even worthy of being considered a sport. We had a mutual respect for each other though, and worked out together when we saw one another at Omni.

He sat near me, but quickly friends from his baseball team filled in. No one bothered using the seat in front of me since my Vans had already occupied them. The class filled, but no one of excitement came in. Some short girl who was too dressed up for public school, a blond chick that was way too skinny and had too long hair, some loud obnoxious black girl, a skinny boy wearing three jackets and and already stuffed backpack to go with his overly long hair. Another guy came in and sat two seats in front of me. He had mid length stringy, yellow/orange hair and wore skinny jeans and a tight jacket. I had come into contact with my first high school hipster.

The day continued with the short girl from Economics sitting a couple seats from me in Algebra. The teacher was fairly gaunt looking, with dingy white hair and what looked to be tattooed on blue eyeshadow.

My next period, Ceramics, had the short one and another girl from my first period. I slept through most of that period.

JROTC, from the moment I stepped into the door, was a joke. Why I had signed up for that class escaped me at that moment. Right, idiot, because you had some middle school idea of becoming a JAG attorney in the Army. It was a mistake I realized too late.

My dad drove us home that afternoon since my brother had football practice, his shift at the nearby hospital over when school was done. We each recounted some of our days to one another, each sounding more boring than the one before it. I went home that day, tired from waking up so early, and hoped my first white day would be more exciting than my first green day.

September 21, 2009

I was having problems. I walked into the band room, hiking up my sagging jeans in the process, and my eyes landed on the platinum blonde beauty that is Lauren Mallory. She was probably about five foot seven, a hot cheerleader Sophomore that played trumpet, and most importantly, interested in me. For the past week, we had skipped class and hung out in the instrument locker room, flirting and talking and giving each other "that look". It was four days before homecoming, and today I was going to ask her.

We allowed everyone to get settled before we made our way back. I grabbed some water coolers for us to sit on.

"Edward, today we're going to play a game."

She was giving me the "look".

It started innocently enough, a simple game of thumb war. My hands were clammy, but hers were perfect, her Frenched nails scraping across my palm. Then she decided we needed stakes to go with it. Our first was simple enough, I won and she had to take off her bra and show me what size she is.

They escalated from there. Before long, it was ten till the bell, and I was pushed up against the lockers and getting made out with by the hottest girl I'd paid attention to in my high school career.

She wasn't my first make out session or feel up. But she was the first to feel up me. I wasn't completely ignorant; I knew even then that I'm not a... small man by any stretch, but her disbelieving look towards my crotch when we broke apart made my ego roar.

That day sparked something in me; it was as if, not a week after my fifteenth birthday, my male mind was finally switched on.

As soon as school let out, I was so excited I had to tell my gang. Alice looked at me with a dubious look while Jasper high fived me and started barking and calling me "dawg!" and "the man!"

September 24, 2009

edward, im just tired. i need a break

I looked at the text from Alice with disbelief. She needed a break? She was the one that turned my good friends against me by going up to Lauren and her boyfriend the next day and asking if we had hooked up.

Naturally, she had said no. And overnight, I went from Edward "will always tell the truth no matter what" Cullen to Edward "lies about hooking up" Cullen.

Happy fucking first Homecoming dance to me.

September 25, 2009

The event center downtown was packed with people from school ready to celebrate Homecoming 2009. I had ended up going with some lax bros of mine from the Hogs. I wasn't even upset about losing people I had trusted. Who needed petty middle school brats?

The after party was one to remember. It was thrown at a senior's house, and had some people attending from the local university. Two such university girls picked out me and Tyler. I'm not sure about him, but I had a permanent "friends with benefits" call girl after that night.

October- December, 2009

The fall months came and turned into Washington's harsh winter. I floated through friends, not really committing, but I hung out with the short girl from first period, Bella, during the school day a lot. Having the majority of the day together and lunch caused that, I suppose.

She was always hiding something. Every time she was hearing about Jessica's, sex-capades, I could see in her eyes and hear it in her tone. It was almost like she was comparing mental notes.

My life was on hyperdrive. I partied constantly, smoked weed and got smashed occasionally. Hooking up escalated from copping a feel and making out to straight up sex. And the more I had, the more compliments the girls gave me on how I was doing. Sometimes it was a different girl a night. Some wild weekends it was more.

I hadn't talked at all the middle school gang, which having zero school contact made easier. They didn't need to know my life, and I didn't need to know theirs. Nor did I care. If the opposite of love isn't hate, it certainly was indifference that I was feeling.

2009 turned to 2010. Life moved on, and so did I.

January-May, 2010

Bella and I developed a sort-of friendship.

I got her number during one algebra class, when one day passing notes become too big a burden. We texted constantly after that. I learned about her, and she learned about me.

But it seemed, other than working on in-class assignments, we didn't interact much aside from texting. We didn't hang out at all, until April.

It was the first time we would see each other out of school, and we were making it a trip up to Wild Waves.

My mom didn't know her, but was excited I had someone new, so she immediately said yes when I asked. My mom called her dad, they set everything up. I just had to convince her father, the police chief no less, that his daughter was safe in a testosterone filled approaching sixteen year old male's house, along with a testosterone filled bear of his seventeen year old brother. I went through the standards, that my parents would be home, I would sleep on the couch or in Emmett's room while she had mine, blah blah blah. Then came my greatest reason.

"I'm gay."

The entire way to my house, I answered questions about my English teacher (which Bella's sister, Rosalie, was possibly to have during her final year) and my "boyfriend", "Tom".

Eventually I saw the walls surrounding her father start to crack.

As May forged, I had one day where I realized I wouldn't see Bella until August. I didn't like that feeling. Not at all. After the park, we had started having a bond, one that I hadn't felt another girl... ever. She was like my younger, attractive sister.

"Will we hang out over the summer?" I asked during Ceramics.

"We should," she replied simply. "I mean, when you're not fucking that college girl."

I smiled. "I haven't seen her for a while, so no worries. But my family friend I consider an uncle and his family are coming down this summer and my parents rented a house on the beach, if you wanna come?"

Week of June 16-23, 2010

Bella had come the second day, once we were settled in. We had yet to figure out the sleeping situation though. My parents had the master bedroom, my "uncle", a man my dad had worked with, Dr. Jerry Gerandy, and his wife, Rachel, were in one bed in the other room, his daughter was in the other, and his son and Emmett were on the blow up. And I was not about to sleep by his son. Or my brother. They both snore like lumberjacks at night.

It ended up that Bella and I took some pillows and blankets and cushions from the couch and slept on the little balcony overhanging the beach from the master bedroom.

I was so excited to see her. I knew I was on full fledged "like" mode towards her. Why should I even bother denying it any more? I liked Bella, and there was nothing I could do about it, except try to make myself stop and not ruin our friendship.

She was only supposed to stay the night, but somehow one night turned to two, she went home for one, then two turned two three then four. That Friday night, my dad, Jerry, Bella and I went night fishing on my dad's friend's charter boats. That night we met Sam, Jared, and Paul.

I had taken off my shirt to tan (and to impress). I kept getting stared at, but Bella kept looking at Jared. It pissed me off to no end, but I played off my silence as concentrating on my line. On the way back inshore, we got to talking, and as I had a side conversation with Paul, I heard, "Do you mind?"

"No, I don't mind."

Confused, I looked to see Bella and Jared- and no distinct lines of where their faces ended. That pushed me over the edge. Thank God we only had about ten minutes that I could help my dad and avoid those two.

We got back to the beach house and all showered quickly. I was the last, and found Bella sitting up on our makeshift bed when I got to it.

"I'm sorry."

"For?"

"That whole thing-" she waved her hand "-with that kid."

"But why are you apologizing?" She furrowed her brows, and shrugged. I could tell she genuinely didn't have an answer. I sighed and lay down next to her

"Edward, can I ask you something?" I grumbled an "mmhm". "You know Adam, right?" I nodded again. Adam was her twenty two year old that she would bring over whenever her dad was in Seattle or out fishing, which seemed to be happening more and more frequently throughout Freshman year. "What do you think that whole situation?"

It wasn't the first time I'd thought of it. I rolled on my side and propped my head on my hand. "You don't deserve it."

"Why do you say that?" I struggled to find the words. "I know you're not good with speaking, but could you please try?"

"Because Bella, you... you're a great girl and you're pretty and fun, and you just... don't."

"You're a horrible liar."

"You should know by now I don't lie. I'm serious. You don't deserve it."

"But why?"

"Because-because you're amazing. I know you don't like to see the good side of you, but you are. And you're smart, and witty, and beautiful, and great to be around, and a whole bunch of other adverbs I can't think of right now."

"I feel like I do. I'm the other woman."

"Well, you shouldn't be. You deserve the best, and you should have a man that will try his damnedest to give it to you. One that would put you first, not one that would just make you a throw away hook up, and do anything and everything to make you know how he feels and treat you the way you should. Not him and how he's treating you."

"Would you do that?"

Maybe she was speaking hypothetically about some future girlfriend, or maybe I was too sleepy to think what I was doing through, but after a pause I gave my answer. "Yes."

She looked up at me and searched my face. Her tongue darted to wet her lips, and her hand reached for the front of my t shirt. I wrapped my free hand around hers and watched her before shutting my eyes. I couldn't see, but I felt her lips come onto mine. It was fast paced, but still nice nonetheless.

It was over as soon as it started. Her mouth was lingering by mine and my hand hand still had hers in it when I opened my eyes.

"I shouldn't have done that." She whispered.

"Yes, you should've."

We both initiated the next round. There was nothing gentle in the way we were kissing. In the back of my mind, I registered that it was just a hook up to her, nothing more. But that didn't stop me. Soon enough I ended up on top of her, then between her legs, then ended up with a totally mood killing hard-on. I shifted and tried to hide it, but it only made the situation worse.

I pulled away so we could both get some much needed air. Rolling off, I heard an amused, "So much for being gay, huh?"

I smirked. "Yeah, well, you knew that already." Then my stomach dropped. "I shouldn't have done it."

"What? Why?"

"Because, Bella, I just went back on everything I just said I wouldn't!"

Her hand grabbed my face and forced me to turn towards her. "Edward Anthony Cullen. You look at me. I do not regret that. You are not Adam or whoever else. You are not the type of guy that would befriend someone to get in their pants and then just stop talking to them. No matter what you've done to those other girls, I know you won't do to me."

I considered her for a second, then planted one on her forehead. "You're right. I'm not going to to you."

"Exactly."

"But I still-"

"Shut up."

I chuckled, and stood up. She took my offered hand and we silently crept through the small house and walked out to the shore. In the moonlight, I spun her towards me, then ducked me face down as much as I could to get to her foot-shorter height.

"Even though you're right, instead of how forceful that one was, this is how our first kiss should have been."

That night after I retrieved some towels, we fell asleep in each others arms on the sand.