Once upon a time, in a land far away, the sun was shining brightly on a lovely autumn day.
There was a little village surrounded by nothing but wood, and through the trees came skipping a boy wearing a red hood.
He was carrying a basket and smiling ear to ear, on his way to grandmother's house filled with nothing but cheer.
As he approached the wood he met another boy, who said, "Where ya goin' dude? Ha ha! You look annoyed!"
The boy pulled back his hood and all of his eyebrows rose, and he stared at the other boy who puffed up his chest in some patriotic pose.
"I'm going to visit dear grammy, she's hungry and all alone," and showing him the basket he said, "See, I've got some scones!"
"Scones!" the other boy replied with a look of pure delight. "Funny, that's just what I started craving! Mind if I have a bite?"
"Well, I suppose there's no harm in sharing just one with you my fellow chap." He pulled one out, gave it to the boy who eagerly scarfed it down, and asked, "So? How is it?" "Like crap!"
The boy with the hood stood there with anger in his eyes and then he snapped at the other, "You're simple taste just isn't as refined as mine or my grandmother's!"
He pulled his hood back on and stood on the tips of his toes. "Now if you don't mind," he scoffed to the other, "off to my grammy's I'll go!"
"Wait dude!" the other boy shouted, "Be careful after you pass the station! Once you enter the woods from there you may come face to face with the Big Bad Nation!"
"The Big Bad Nation? What's that?" the boy asked, a hint of fear in his voice. He turned to the other and waited for an answer, trying to keep his calm poise.
"The Big Bad Nation's, like, this huge creepy alien thing that lives in the woods, you see, and you didn't hear it from this guy, but dude, I heard that he likes to feast on boys just like you and me!"
Slightly shaking and eyes open wide, the hooded boy whispered, "Is all of that really true?" The other boy, standing with a grin, waited a moment before responding, "Nah, I was just messing with you dude!"
The boy with the hood turned back on his heel and quickly headed toward the station and school. "Bah!" he grumbled to himself, "I should've known better than to trust that fool!"
He scurried past the school and station and found the path leading into the wood. The patriotic fellow left behind just watched and whispered, "Nice knowing you Hood."
The hooded boy made his way along the path within. It winded and swerved, bended and curved, and the breezes brushed his skin.
The trees were tall and the thickets were thick but still he pushed on through. The sun was beginning to set in the west and the air was getting cool.
"Brrrrr," the boy shivered as he held the hood tight around his shoulders with care. "It's getting so very cold out here! It's like one of Russia's stares..."
He continued on his way when out of the corner of his eye, stretching tall and ominous, a shadow he had spied.
He gasped and looked in the direction of the dark figure he had spotted. There was nothing there, but a little scared, quickly away he trotted.
"M-my imagination must be playing tricks!" he stammered and then he swallowed. "I don't spy anyone around me now but I could swear I'm being followed!"
Watching eagerly with hungry eyes from the other side of a tree in the distance, the Big Bad Nation locked his sights on the boy while trying to conceal his own existence.
"Oh I zee, we are off to veezit our grand-mere are we?" the Big Bad Nation said, lips pursed. "I zee, I zee. Well I will just have to be the one to get zere first!"
With that the Big Bad Nation ran away as quickly as he could, running toward the grandmother's house just a short distance more through the wood.
"Almost there," the hooded boy relaxed and scampered a little faster, and in only a matter of minutes ha had reached the walls of plaster.
"Grammy, I'm here!" the boy shouted full of glee. He ran to the door and opened it and made his way in to see...?
The Big Bad Nation was lying in his grandmother's bed wearing a wig and glasses with big rims, anyone else would've noticed it wasn't her, but the hooded boy? Well, it fooled him.
"Grammy?" The boy looked at the thing in his grandmother's bed and heard it's giddy moan. "Is that really you, Grammy...? Well...anyway, look! I've brought you scones!"
"Zcones! Oh what a pleazant zurprize!" the grandmother's high-pitched voice rang. "Now come over heeeere by your grammy's zide!" the creature sang.
"Okay..." the reluctant boy made his way over to his grandmother's side. Then as he got a closer look he exclaimed, "Grammy, you're eyes are so wide!"
"All ze better to gaze at your zexy body wiz," the grandmother replied with a dreaming sigh. "Erm..." the boy mumbled awkwardly as his grandmother touched his thigh.
"Grammy, what big hands you have!" the boy exclaimed again, and it answered with, "All ze better to touch your zexy skin."
Just then the grandmother lifted the blanket covering its body and let out a creepy laugh. The boy's eyes just widened as he said, "Grammy, what big...pants you have..."
"Ahon hon hon," the creepy laugh came again as the grandmother grabbed the boy's wrist and cooed, "All ze better to contain ze zurprize I have in here for you!"
Just then the hooded boy was pulled under the covers and he began to yell. A passer by heard him, came crashing in and shouted, "Vhat the-?!"
He had his blonde hair slicked back and wore military clothes. He had grenades on his hip and stood in a scary pose.
He ran over to help the boy, luckily he had an axe. He yanked out the boy, found him unharmed, and started to relax.
The boy was shocked and in a daze and the axe-man lost his patience. He lifted the grandma, snatched up the wig and the glasses, and found "her" to be the Big Bad Nation.
"Vhat is the Big Bad Nation doing terrorizing boys dressed as a...er...old vuman?" the axe-man demanded. Then the boy snapped out of his daze when he saw the creature that had pretended to be his grandmother and he ranted.
"FRANCE?! You're the 'Big Bad Nation'?" the boy narrowed his eyes at the perverted fellow. "Why of course! I just love to zee boyz like you wandering around in ze woods alone!" he bellowed.
"But why did you follow me and dress up like my Grammy? And pull me into the bed with you...?" the hooded boy wanted to know. France responded, "I just wanted to get you to zign zis contract, zo here it iz, and here's a pen. Look! It glowz!"
At this the boy grew angry and shouted, "I REFUSE TO MARRY YOU, YOU FOBBISH TWIT!" He grabbed the axe from the passer by who had saved him, clearly at the end of his wits.
With axe in hand he stomped forward violently as if in a trance. He began to wave the weapon around, screaming, "I'll get you, France!"
France gulped and stammered, "B-But I love you Britain! We were meant to be together! Come on now and zign ze contract, we can be together forever!"
"NO." "Why not mon copain?" "I HATE YOU!" "But I love you!" "LEAVE ME ALONE YOU FROG!" "But think of how happy I could make you in bed." "YOU I WOULD NEVER SNOG!"
And with that Britain chased his enemy with an axe out into the wood. The passer by just stared and stated, "Vell, they vud make a good couple. After all, no straight man ever vears a hood."
THE END