A long, long time ago… over ten thousand years ago by House time… there lived a Denizen who would change the universe forever. (Or rather, the center of it.)
Except this story is not about this Denizen; it is, in fact, about the rather unique way that he managed this. It all started when he and two of his buddies snuck out of their office one evening, pretended they were Noon and Dusk even though they weren't, and even though there were three of them (the Lieutenant Keeper in those days was rather short-sighted and slightly dull-witted); and then stepped out into the Secondary Realms. A little planet called Earth, to be exact.
The first Denizen, who was not very coordinated, tripped and landed in his face in a ditch. Everyone else laughed at him, and he stood up, trying to get the mud off his coat, when he heard something.
A sound… that would change the universe forever.
"Quaaaaack."
"Oh, that's adorable!" cried the Denizen, and picked up the duck, hugging it tightly. "We don't get stuff this cute in the House, really… oh, please can I keep it?" He looked at his two friends with a pleading look in his eye and a quacking duck in his arms.
"Oh, whatever," muttered the others after a moment's thought. "But don't blame us when Noon confiscates it and demotes you to the Coal Cellar. Or… something."
"He won't," said the Denizen confidently. "Whoever sees my little darling will fall in love with her just as I have!"
"He's gone off the deep end for sure this time," one of his friends mouthed to the other. She nodded in silent agreement.
Well, to cut a long story short, Monday's Noon did confiscate the duck. "That is an unauthorized import from the Secondary Realms. Do you care to explain yourself?" he snapped.
"Well, um, it's, um…" stammered the Denizen. His cohorts had long since abandoned him and returned to their record-keeping.
"Hmmph," said Noon irritably, snatching the protesting duck. "I shall confiscate this," he said, getting the very annoyed bird settled in his arms. "As for you…" But the culprit had fled while he was busy. Shaking his head, he proceeded to Monday's Dayroom.
Now Mister Monday, before he started falling asleep and everything, was actually a rather hyper Denizen. "NOON!" he cried, waving frantically. "What's that weird sound you're making!"
"I'm not making it," said Noon, very cross indeed. "This thing is making it. It's an illegal import from the Secondary Realms!"
Monday positively melted. "Ohhhh, she's so cute," he cried. "I shall keep her!"
"Sir, you really shouldn't…"
"I'm the Trustee here and I say I should," snapped Monday. "Now. I shall name her… Duck! Monday's Duck! Oh, isn't it the cutest name ever? Grim Tuesday will be ever so envious, of course!"
"No, that's more Saturday's field of expertise," corrected Noon. "Grim Tuesday will be very greedy about your duck. Though I hear from Yan that he prefers kittens."
"Pah, kittens," said Monday disdainfully. "I love my Duck."
"Did someone call for me?" Noon's brother Dusk poked his head out around a doorway.
"No, we were talking about Lord Monday's new pet," Noon told him.
"Pet?" Dusk looked and sounded just as confused as his sister, who had just entered the room. (However, Dawn almost always looked confused.) "Why would he name a pet after me?"
"No, no," said Monday loftily. "This is Monday's Duck. You, Dusk, are Monday's Dusk. There is a great difference."
"Like… I'm better-looking," suggested Dusk. "And I have a better singing voice."
"That's disputable," Noon said thoughtfully, as Duck let out a loud quack and Dusk glared at his brother.
"I can sing!" Dawn broke in, and treated them to a solo. All of the other Denizens quickly found excuses to leave the room… although Duck didn't seem to mind it.
But this was only the first of many terrible misunderstandings… that would change the universe forever.
For this duck was a female duck. In fact, she was a pregnant duck. Come spring in the Secondary Realms, Monday burst out of his office looking excited. "Noon! Dawn! Dusk! Sneezer!" he shouted to his servants. "I need you here now! They're hatching, they're hatching!"
"I've always liked baby ducks," said Dawn happily. Noon and Dusk bore identical expressions of stoic annoyance.
All five Denizens watched with bated breath – or at least Monday and Dawn did – as six ducklings hatched. For the next six hours, Monday could not be bothered with anything else and kept Noon and Dawn by his side to watch. Dusk managed to slip away, pondering the unexpected benefits of his overshadowed position.
One day, about five years later by House time, a bunch of Nithlings attacked the Lower House. At the same time, Duck and her offspring escaped from Monday's watchful eye while he was napping.
"NOON!" screamed Monday. "Find my ducks! I don't want my babies eaten by horrid Nithlings! Find them now!"
"Yessir," snapped Noon, bowing curtly, and flew off.
As he landed in the Lower Atrium, he was accosted by no fewer than five panicky Denizens.
"Monday's Noon!" "Nithlings are attacking, Monday's Noon!" "Where are your Comissionaires, Noon?" "Noon, we need help!" "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"
Finally, Noon scattered them by drawing his flaming sword. "QUIET!" he bellowed. "I'm too busy for Nithlings, and so are the Commisionaires. Ask my brothers's Midnight Visitors. Now, have any of you seen Monday's Ducks?"
"That way, I believe," said one of the Denizens, pointing, and without so much as a thank-you, Noon strode off in that direction.
"Here, ducky…" Noon muttered. "C'mere, little duckies…"
Meanwhile, the news quickly spread. "Monday's Noon is looking for Monday's Dusk!" said the Denizens to all their friends. (They had misheard "Ducks" as "Dusk.) Some of these friends also misheard, and some didn't. By the end of it, half of the Lower Atrium was desperately searching for Dusk, and the other half for the Ducks.
One Denizen nearly ran over another, apologized, and then started grilling her for information. "Have you seen Monday's Ducks?"
"No, I haven't, yet," she stammered. "Haven't seen him since yesterday."
"No," said the first Denizen impatiently. "Not him. Them."
"There's more than one?" cried the poor confused other Denizen.
"Where have you been for five years?" said the first. "Her eggs hatched five years ago!"
"I didn't know Denizens laid eggs!" said the second Denizen, then frowned. "She's a girl?"
"Well, we assume so, since she laid eggs," snorted the first Denizen. "Where did you last see them?"
"Well, I saw… one of them, I suppose. Over there." She pointed towards where Dusk had recently been, and the first Denizen ran in that direction.
Another Denizen in the next street over was having a similar discussion. "Where's Monday's Dusk, do you know?" she asked.
"Hmm… I haven't seen them," the other Denizen replied.
"Them? Just Dusk, not the rest."
"There's only one, then?"
"Of course there is! Where have you been since the beginning of Time?"
"So the others were illusory."
"I suppose. Where is he?"
"No way! He?"
"I'm not looking for Dawn," the first Denizen said irritably. "Of course. He. Now where is he?"
"Well, I last saw… him… and… all his illusory companions, um, over there." He pointed to where she had recently seen Duck and her offspring taking a walk.
"Thanks," muttered the Denizen, rolling her eyes, and ran.
Finally, the male Denizen searching for the Ducks was able to find them, as was the female Denizen searching for Dusk.
"What is it?" said Dusk as she ran up to him.
"Thank the Architect! Noon and the Commissionaires have been searching everywhere for you," she said. "Come on!" She grabbed the protesting Denizen's arm and dragged him off to where she had last seen Noon.
Meanwhile, the other Denizen managed to grab all the Ducks. "Thank… the Architect," he grunted as he managed to pull the panicking, quacking, terrified birds into his arms. "Noon… has been looking for you guys everywhere. He'll be glad to know that you're safe!"
Noon's search was interrupted when a very triumphant clerk pushed his brother in his path. "There!" she cried. "I've just found Dusk for you!"
"What is going on?" cried poor Dusk.
"I'm not…" Noon started to say, when another Denizen let out a cry.
"No! Oh, NO!" he shouted. Dusk glanced up and saw a winged Denizen darting everywhere and grabbing ducks out of the air. He waved to the figures below. "I found them, Noon, sir!" he cried.
Dusk raised one eyebrow. The Denizen who'd found him whimpered. "Oh, no," she cried.
To cut a long story short, the ducks were eventually rounded up and brought back to Monday's Dayroom, where Noon and Dusk left them to be corralled by the Morrow Day and his butler. Meanwhile, the pair of superior Denizens managed to destroy the remaining Nithlings with the help of the Commissionaires and Midnight Visitors. Still, the Lower House was in shambles, and it took the entire rest of the day to calm the Denizens down and get them back to work. That evening, unbeknownst to Monday (who was playing happily with his ducks), Noon called his siblings to a meeting.
"We need to do something about these ducks," he said forcefully, slamming his fist down on the table. "This simply can't go on!"
"I agree," said Dusk, soft-spoken as usual. "These pets of our master's are getting to be a great problem."
Dawn just giggled and said in her bright voice, "I like duckies!" Noon and Dusk ignored her.
"What should we do?" Dusk continued. "We can't just send them back to the Secondary Realms… well, this is quite an odd situation. Whoever heard of immortal ducks?"
"Not me," said Dawn and Noon at the same time.
"How about we give them to one of the other Days?" suggested Noon. "We could feed them to Wednesday… or… have Thursday use them for target practice… or give, no, sell them to the Grim so he can do whatever it is he does with ducks."
"I doubt the Grim would ever buy anything," said Dusk. "But he likes kittens. So maybe he'd want ducks too."
"I'll adopt them!" cried Dawn. There was no comment.
"Whatever the case, they can't stay," said Noon.
"No," agreed Dusk.
"Can too!" Dawn pouted.
"Shut up, sis," Noon told her.
Dawn burst into tears. "You're mean!" she cried, humphed and turned her back on her brothers with arms folded. Thus the meeting was adjourned.
"Well, that was productive," muttered Dusk sarcastically as he headed back to his own office.
But Dusk did think his brother's idea was a good one. Secretly, he sent messages to the other Days. Each message said the same thing:
"Unwanted: Seven Ducks: Free to Good Home. Please Send Reply to Monday's Dusk, Monday's Dayroom, Lower House."
It took a few days, but finally the six Days all sent a reply. Well, sort of, considering that Sunday made Saturday send his.
"Lord Sunday says don't bother him, or he'll sic his brothers on you. –Superior Saturday"
"I say don't bother me, or I'll sic my Noon and Dusk on you. –Superior Saturday"
"Monday, you are officially a moron. –Lady Friday"
"Shut up before I declare war on you! –Sir Thursday"
"Sorry, but they'd either get eaten by a Pirate or drowned by the Line of Storms. –Lady Wednesday"
Only Tuesday's reply held any promise for poor Dusk, who was by now quite desperate.
"Ducks? Are they cute like kittens? –Grim Tuesday"
Quickly and eagerly, Dusk wrote back. "Yes, they are very cute, like kittens. –Monday's Dusk"
And so on. Finally, the fated day came. Secretly, Noon and Dusk smuggled the Dusks – er, sorry, Ducks – out of the Lower House while Monday was asleep (which, since he was almost always asleep now, was easy). They smuggled them up through an elevator up to the Far Reaches, and Tuesday was there to meet them with the ever-present Yan.
"It's here! It's here! Oh, Yan, looky! My present is here!" The ridiculously happy Trustee skipped over to the two superior Denizens, who wore identical looks of incredulity. "Oh, thank you!" Tuesday picked up the crate with the ducks in it, peeked in, and gave a small cry of utter bliss. "Wait till the kittens meet them, Yan!"
The Grotesque rolled his eyes expressively, gave a long-suffering look to Noon and Dusk, bowed, and followed his master, who was practically skipping. Shuddering, Noon and Dusk retreated into the elevator. The Far Reaches and their Master were far more terrible than either of them had imagined.
"Well, that's that problem solved," said Dusk with a sigh of relief as they stepped out back into Monday's Dayroom. "Now…"
Suddenly, Noon's eyes widened and he turned quickly to his brother. "I really must be going, haha, lots of work to do, you know, paperwork to do and Nithlings to fight, looks like it's another day, so I'll just be going…!"
"But Noon, you never want to do any work…" Dusk trailed off, Noon having already vanished in an elevator. Then suddenly he discovered the reason for the Denizen's sudden flight, as someone shouted from inside the Dayroom.
"NOON! DUSK! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DUCKS!"
Dusk moaned. Uh-oh…
THE END (or is it…?)