"How's It Going To Be" by Third Eye Blind
I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder what are we fighting for
When I say out loud
I want to get out of this
I wonder is there anything
I'm going to miss
I wonder how it's going to be
When you don't know me
How's it going to be
When you're sure I'm not there
How's it going to be
When there's no one there to talk to
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's it going to be, How's it going to be
Where we used to laugh
There's a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch
A silence I can't ignore
Like the hammock by the
Doorway we spent time in, swings empty
Don't see lightning like last fall
When it was always about to hit me
I wonder how's it going to be
When it goes down
How's it going to be
When you're not around
How's it going to be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's it going to be
And how's it going to be
When you don't know me anymore
And how's it going to be
Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivion
I want to taste the salt of your skin
The soft dive of oblivion oblivion
How's it going to be
When you don't know me anymore
How's it going to be, How's it going to be
How's it going to be
Here I sit alone, in my room unable to sleep. I thought I had gotten over him. It's been a year now and after 6 months of feeling better I saw him. I know he saw me too because he gave me a small, polite smile. I know that smile, it's his uncomfortable smile. He used to give me that smile after a fight, after our final fight too. It was also his peace offering and it did nothing to provide me peace tonight.
I pick up my glass of pinot noir and down it in one difficult gulp. I'm on my 5th glass in the past hour. I hoped that the buzz from the wine would help me sleep, but all it did was make this aching feeling worse. My stomach is in knots, just like the night we broke up. I get up and sit on the window sill and look out over the DC skyline, the capital building lit up in the distance. Everywhere I look I am reminded of him. I regret how I handled things with him. I knew what his job was, I knew that he would inevitably cancel plans and leave at a moments notice for an undetermined amount of time. I was younger then, not much, but a lot can change in a year. Especially in a year that involves losing Spencer Reid. The 9 month we were together were the best 9 months of my entire life. Granted, things started off so slowly and awkwardly, but I have never felt that way about anyone before.
I have gone on a few dates since then and I have no interest in anyone else. I haven't even kissed another man since Spencer. If I had realized then what I had, none of this would be happening. My heart would not be breaking all over again, I wouldn't have these sleepless nights, I wouldn't have this aching, all-consuming feeling. I wish I had thought about how it was going to be without Spencer before I said those words 'it's over'.
My eyes fluttered open to see the sun shining brightly into my face. I fell asleep on the window sill. My neck is killing me! I rub my stiff neck and stretch out. I don't remember falling asleep, but I do remember the last time I glanced at the clock was at 4:38 am. I glance at the clock now and it reads 7:43 am. Yay, three hours of sleep. Just what I needed. I stand up from the window and go into my bathroom to shower.
The hot water wakes me up luckily, but I know it will be short lived. I decided to get coffee on the way to the Bureau. I really hope I don't run into Spencer again today, it was such a rare thing to see him yesterday. That's the last time I offer to make a in person delivery to Penelope Garcia. Working for HR, I sometimes have to get her to run background checks and for some reason my email was not working and my cell phone had died. Spence just waltzed right into her office as I was leaving, almost bumping into me. We said nothing, just exchanged small, timid smiles.
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