Remembering
Disclaimer: I do not own the Gallagher Girls series. Ally Carter does.
"Cammie…" Bex called in a sing-song voice, trying to pull me out of my trance. I felt my hands start shaking and I quickly clenched them, shaking myself out of my memories. "You alright?" Her accent filled with worry and I smiled unconvincingly, covering my fearful expression.
"Yeah…Just staring off into space. I'm tired." I pulled on my jacket and turned around, knowing I didn't convince her. I silently rebuked myself for that horrible excuse for a lie.
"Cam…" Bex's tone was kind and knowing and I heard her take a few steps toward me. My heart started beating faster and I didn't want to tell her what I now remembered from my lost summer.
"Yeah?" I was stalling and Bex knew it.
"What's wrong?" Bex's voice was careful but firm, trying to convince me to spill. I shook my head, tears forming in my eyes. "Come on, Cammie. You can talk to me." Bex turned me around and made me look at her. Her eyes narrowed sympathetically as she saw my tear-streaked face.
"I remember." I whispered this looking down at my feet. Flashes of the torture filled my head. There was a small silence and Bex led me to my bed to sit. We were going to miss breakfast but I don't think Bex was concerned about food right then.
"You remember everything?" Her eyes were full of dread. I held my breath and nodded shortly. She closed her eyes briefly and swallowed. "Do you….want to talk about it?" Her voice was unsure. She didn't know how to help me. I couldn't blame her. I didn't know how to stop the cold numb that started spreading through my body as the flashes continued. I blinked back tears that were on the brink of falling and let my stiff gaze fall to my feet, not daring to try to talk, afraid that I might break down. Bex took a steady breath and grabbed my hand. I looked up and steeled myself, trying to pull myself together.
"Come on, Cam." She pulled me up effortlessly and led me outside our room. I walked along, feeling myself falling apart with every step. I was unraveling. I stared at my feet the whole time, not paying attention to where Bex was taking me, lost in my memories. Before I knew it I was standing outside of my mother's office and Bex was waiting for me to look at her.
"Stay here, Cammie. I'm gonna go get your mum and Abby, okay?" Bex waited for me to nod and I felt my head move slightly and I watched my best friend half-run away while I felt myself sink to the floor, my back against the wall.
….
"Headmistress." Bex strided to her best friend's mother, determined, ignoring the curious stares of Liz, Macey, and Zach. Abby sat directly adjacent to the Headmistress and stopped talking when she saw Bex's serious eyes. Rachel looked up and pointed to the screen that read 'Chinese-Mandarin' and took a bite of her eggs. "Headmistress." Bex raised her voice and spoke harshly, deliberately ignoring the directive to get her full attention. "It's Cammie." Bex gritted her teeth and glanced to Abby briefly. "You both need to come with me." Bex's accent was full and she watched Abby and her headmistress get up, excusing themselves expertly and follow her as she led them out the double doors.
"What's going on, Rebecca?" Headmistress Morgan spoke, her voice rife with fear.
"She remembers…I took her to your office. She….I don't know how to help her." Panic crept into Bex's voice at the end and Abby put a warm hand on Bex's shoulder.
"It's okay, Bex. Thank you for getting us. You can go eat breakfast now. We'll fill you in later." Abby and Rachel watched the girl hesitate, locking gazes with both of them before walking away. Rachel closed her eyes briefly and turned on her heel, about to walk to her office before she was stopped by her sister's hand.
"Rachel…" Abby frowned and pulled Rachel around to face her. Rachel's eyes immediately filled with tears and she swallowed back the lump restricting her normal breathing. Rachel cursed under her breath.
"Why?" Abby gritted her teeth at her sister's question and sighed.
"Rachel. She's gonna be okay. We'll help her through this." Abby didn't know what else she could say. Rachel nodded.
"I just hoped she would never remember. She shouldn't have to go through this."
"I know. Me too, Rach…Let's go talk to her, okay?" Abby held her sister's eyes and nodded when she saw Rachel pull herself together and they walked toward her office.
….
Bex walked through the doors and sat at her normal spot, putting food on her plate, trying to ignore the stares she was getting. She didn't want to talk about this in front of the entire senior class and she wasn't going to. She continued to stare at her plate and only looked up when Liz's frantic Mandarin cut the silence asking where Cammie was. Bex continued to ignore the language directive when she finally spoke.
"With the Headmistress." With that and a few bites of her eggs, she stood and walked out, closely followed by her roommates and Zach, leaving the rest of the class to start rumors.
"Bex." Macey grabbed her shoulder and forced her to stop and turn around. Zach and Liz stood on either side of Macey with the same inquisitive, worried looks on their faces. Bex took a breath.
"Let's get to the room first please." Her accent was thick and stiff as she shook off Macey's hand and led the way. Macey rolled her eyes impatiently and bit her bottom lip, following a few feet behind.
"Okay, now can you explain?" Liz frowned, her voice shooting up an octave once they got into the room. Bex sat down on her bed and looked up at her friends.
"Cammie remembers everything. Apparently she's been having flashes all week but right before we left for breakfast, she remembered everything." Bex looked down, not really wanting to see the reactions to her words.
"Oh my gosh!" Liz cried out and she paced worriedly across the room while Macey slowly lowered herself down on her bed. Zach frowned and crossed his arms.
"Everything?" Macey asked, even though Bex had clearly said it twice. Bex remained silent, her mind going back to her best friend's vacant eyes. Zach cursed under his breath and ran a hand over his face.
"What do we do?" Liz spoke hesitantly with fear and dread in her voice. There was a long silence because they were all wondering that same thing.
….
I sat, hugging my knees to my chest, staring at the floor, not daring to close my eyes. I was numb and didn't feel how much I was shaking against the memories flooding back to me. I didn't look up when I heard two pairs of footsteps getting closer to me and I didn't acknowledge them when they halted beside me. There was a small silence and I saw one pair of feet walk in front of me and kneel down so that I didn't' have a choice but to look at her. It was my mom. Her expression was hard to read. She looked sad and angry and fearful…there were too many emotions and I gave up trying to catalog them.
"Cammie…wanna come inside?" Mom's voice was low and soft, hesitant even, as she studied my dead eyes. I could feel Abby kneel beside me and play with the ends of my hair. This gesture was oddly comforting as I tried to wind through my tangled thoughts to answer. It took a good thirty seconds before I could scrounge up an answer and, even then, I only managed a strangled whimper. I could see a flash of sorrow in Mom's eyes before she shared a loaded look with Abby and proceeded to pull me to my feet. Their hands were strong but kind as they guided me into the office I called home. It looked foreign to me now as I was set down on the couch. Everything seemed too far away as if I couldn't reach it or comprehend it. I barely registered my Aunt beside me until her fingers were at the ends of my hair again. She noticed my shoulders relax a bit and I felt her shift in her seat so she could reach my hair better. Mom pulled a chair in front of me and put a warm hand on mine. My eyes were fixed on a spot on the opposite wall and moisture welled up in them so I could only see blurry colors bleeding together.
"Cam, sweetheart. Can you look at me?" Mom prompted me, trying to help me break out of my shock. I heard the question but my body wouldn't obey. My breathing grew ragged and Mom's hand gripped mine as she saw my fear.
"Cammie, it's alright. We're right here. You're okay. You're safe." Abby spoke this time, making sure she didn't stop playing with the ends of my hair. Her words made sense to me but my memories were contradicting them and I blinked, tears sliding down my face. I forced my eyes to connect with Mom's and I saw a small ounce of relief in her expression.
"There you go. It's okay, Cammie." Mom took a deep breath and I bit the inside of my mouth as I saw the blood and pain again.
"Can you talk to us, Cam?" Abby spoke softer than I'd ever heard her and the concern in her voice surprised me. I blinked a few more times and swallowed. I could feel myself becoming less numb and I felt my teeth chattering as if I were freezing. I gritted my teeth to stop myself but as soon as I loosened my jaw, they started chattering again.
"I…remember." I whispered and attempted to wipe my tears away. Mom nodded, relief flooding her eyes when she heard my voice. Abby tucked my hair behind my ear and Mom spoke.
"You can talk to us, kiddo." Mom sounded confident but I could've sworn I heard an edge of uncertainty. I blinked and looked down at my hands covered by Mom's. "You don't have to right now. Is there anything you remember about where you were? Something you heard that could help us find them?" Mom spoke slowly at first but she gathered speed as she thought of more questions. I saw Abby give Mom a warning glare.
"It was her." I didn't even feel my mouth move before I heard my voice. Mom frowned, not knowing what I was talking about.
"What, Cammie?" Abby caught my attention. I looked at her and blinked back tears.
"Zach's mom…She…" A sob caught in my throat and I held my breath, unwilling to let it out. I knew Mom and Abby must've caught on so I pulled my feet up on the couch, holding my legs to my chest again. I saw the realization hit their faces and I let my head rest on my knees. Abby gritted her teeth and Mom closed her eyes before they both stood.
"I'm getting Joe. You stay with her." Mom whispered but I still heard her. "I'll be back in a bit, sweetheart." She bent down and kissed my forehead before walking out, shutting the door securely once she did.
"I don't want her to know." The words came out before Abby had a chance to fully turn back around to face me.
"What? What do you mean?" I gritted my teeth before I responded.
"Mom. I can't tell her what Zach's mom did to me. I won't do that to her." I squeezed my eyes shut and fought the memories again. I felt Abby move closer to me and she sighed as she sat down next to me.
"Squirt. You don't need to worry about her." Abby focused her gaze at my scars then glanced away quickly.
"She doesn't need to know the details…" I spoke softly, wishing I didn't know the details.
"Cam…You aren't supposed to be protecting your mother. She's strong. She's the strongest person I know. And she wants – needs to be here for you….to help you through this. I'm here for you too...but, Cammie, your mom can help you….If you let her." I had never seen my Aunt like this before. Of course I knew she loved me and cared about me but the fierceness of her words surprised me. She was very serious and I swallowed.
"I wish I could forget." My voice was small but my words hung in the silence, suspended and steady as every fiber in my being longed to erase the pain of the memories.
"I know, Squirt. Me too…me too…"
….
Rachel Morgan closed the door to her office and took a breath, wanting nothing more than to find the woman that tortured her daughter and make her wish she was dead. The anger was quelled by the deep sorrow she felt as she saw her broken daughter sitting on the floor trying to hold herself together. Nothing could get that image out of her head. Rachel swallowed back the lump in her throat and she packed her emotions into a box for now as she walked through the halls to find Joe Solomon.
"Joe." She forced her voice to be void of all emotion and Joe looked up with cautious, curious eyes. Joe knew that voice and definitely those forced stone-eyes.
"What's wrong, Rachel?" Joe's voice was low. Rachel silently cursed her transparency and sat in front of her late husband's best friend.
"Cammie remembers everything. And it was Catherine Goode…" She said the name stiffly and gritted her teeth. She watched Joe blink and lean back a little in his chair. After a small silence, Rachel cleared her throat impatiently.
"We knew that this was a very likely possibility..." Joe kept his eyes on Rachel and noted every expression her features held.
"Yes…" Rachel's answer was breathless.
"How's she doing?" This question was soft; concerned. Rachel looked down, giving him an answer before she even spoke.
"We got her to talk a little. Just enough to get a name from her. It's going to take time…" Rachel frowned.
"She's going to want to keep it all inside – internalize, compartmentalize. But she can't. She needs to talk to someone." Joe was serious and he sounded like he was speaking from experience. Rachel shook her head.
"We can't force her to talk about it, Joe." Joe sat up straighter and shook his head, his jaw set.
"No. We're going to give her some time to work it out in her head but we have to be here for her to talk to. There's no way to know how she's going to react emotionally after she gets past the initial shock…we need to be ready to handle anything." Joe let out a breath and saw Rachel's eyes fill with something. Curiosity, maybe. Joe averted his gaze slightly and answered her unasked question. "I was fine at first….but I got angry and violent….then I got quiet. It took a long time, Rachel. I don't know what Catherine did to her but if it was even half of what she did to me, then I would prepare for a long road." Joe's words were followed by a thick silence that Rachel didn't want to break.
I was wondering how it would've been if Cammie had gotten her memory back. (Considerably darker than the book) Let me know what you think and if I should continue! -mlw217-