Rating: T/PG-13
Characters/Pairings: twisted, implied that it's artifact-induced (and thus dub-con) Claudia/Jinks, as well as one-sided Claudia/Jinks
Spoilers: through 4.04 (There's Always a Downside).
Summary: follows In This World There's Real and Make Believe. 2nd in my Hold On, Let Go series.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters nor anything else related to the show.
A/N: previously posted on tumblr. Reviews are love! :-)
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Claudia and Jinks guard the secret of their relationship with as much caution and vigilance as they protect the Warehouse, each other, and the rest of the team.
Every night that he slips into, and shortly after out of, her room, she reminds herself that none of this is real. As much as Jinks wants her in these moments, she knows that he doesn't reallywant her and she knows that the longer they allow this to continue, she's going to have that much harder a time letting go once it all ends and things revert back to normal between them. Back to their abnormal normalcy.
She's this close to falling asleep when there's a series of urgent sounding knocks on her bedroom door.
"Coming," she grumbles, making herself get up and out of the bed. She shuffles across the floor, glaring at the door because this had better be good. She yanks the door open and her crankiness dissipates when she sees Jinks standing there, a mix of hope and concern etched on his face. She frowns slightly as she steps aside, allowing him to enter. "That…wasn't your normal knock. What's wrong?"
He steps over the threshold and turns around. "Are you okay?"
Claudia pushes the door closed and turns to face him. "Yeah. Well, I'm tired because inventory still manages to be boring and exhausting at the same time but other than that, I'm right as rain. Why?"
Jinks squints his eyes for a second. He starts to open his mouth, stops, pressing his lips together, one corner twitching upwards. He lifts his shirt up to reveal bruising on his left side, just under his ribs.
Her eyes widen and she stops just short of touching the bruise. "Oh my God, Steve, what happened? Are you okay? When did—"
"You didn't feel it?" There is a hesitant hope in his voice.
"No, I didn't feel it. Don't you think that I would have checked to make sure that you were okay if I'd felt any sort of pain that would cause…" It takes few seconds for it to hit Claudia. "I didn't feel it. Jinks, I didn't…what does this mean?"
A slow smile spreads on Jinks' face. "I think it means that Artie found a way to sever our connection. Pinch me."
"What?" She shakes her head. "No."
"Come on, Claud, just pinch me."
She sighs, rolling her eyes, reaches out, and pinches him on the forearm.
He winces. "Ow, not so hard."
"Oh, that didn't hurt."
"Maybe not you." He smiles. "It didn't hurt you, did it?"
"No."
Claudia can see the impulse in his eyes in the split second before his hands are on her face and his lips are pressing against hers and she is sandwiched between his body and the door.
There's a voice in her head that informs her that it's just due to the excitement of the moment and the fact that Jinks no longer has to be overly concerned for his own safety because of the pain she would have to endure; that they have a little more freedom to live their lives without his injuries and pain tethering them together. Because if that connection has been broken, then surely so has the other. This is just residual.
As she reaches behind herself to turn the lock on the door, Claudia knows, she truly believes, that this will be the last time that she and Steve cross far beyond the boundaries of what is and should be an acceptable relationship and friendship between them. Gay man. Straight woman. BFFEWYLIONs. Friends. Partners. Not lovers. Never again. Not after tonight. They can't be. They won't.
She can feel him wince and she's grateful that she does not feel his pain shooting through her side and she wants to tell him that they can stop because he's hurt but he's started it and he seems as intent as she does on finishing this because he continues kissing her, letting her tongue find passage into his mouth, and he slowly begins to grind his hips against hers through his pain. All the thoughts of how this shouldn't be happening, that it never ever should have started, scream in her head for several seconds before fading to a whisper and then silence. Just like always.
And just like always, they end up on her bed. Occasionally Steve hisses, wincing, gritting his teeth, but he keeps pushing forward, both of them undressing and maneuvering until he's lying on his back underneath her and Claudia tries to be as mindful as possible of his injury.
When she lays next to him, Claudia gingerly touches the large bruise on his side. He doesn't flinch or make any noises of discomfort.
"How badly does it hurt?"
"I'm fine, Claudia. I promise." He's quiet for a moment. His voice is low. "I actually don't mind the pain. It makes me feel alive. It finally all feels real, you know?"
She swallows and nods. "Yeah."
She feels like, despite giving him a second chance at life, she has denied him so much. Not that she chose to feel his pain and cause him to feel as if he were only living a half life. Not that she chose for them to end up in some absurd and screwed-up friends with benefits arrangement. But she did choose to take away any sort of peace he may have experienced in his death. And she has always chosen to proceed full steam ahead, without the slightest hesitation or protestation, when it has come to their hook-ups. Which he has always initiated. (But that she always could have, and perhaps should have, stopped.)
She is at fault. She is to blame. She will fall. She has fallen.
Claudia watches as Steve rises from her bed for the last time, surely it has to be the last time, and she can feel the heaviness in her heart and the tears threatening to overflow and spill from her eyes.
It's over. It has to be. She has to let him go because he was never hers to begin with. They were never meant to be anything more than they are.
He leans over and kisses her on the cheek. "Goodnight, Claud."
"Night, Jinksy."
She waits several seconds after he leaves, pulling the door shut behind him, before she takes a deep breath and begins to cry.
She always knew that it would end but it doesn't change the fact that she's still in love with her best friend no matter how irrational it is for her to be. Claudia can't help that a part of her had indulged in the false hope that maybe, just maybe…it doesn't matter. She will still want Jinks but he will not want her at all and that's the way that it should be. He shouldn't want her; he's not supposed to. So, she will go back to burying her feelings and desires, and ignoring them. They will love each other but they will not be in love with each other and they will cease to be lovers. They already have stopped being lovers. The end has come and gone.
They report to Artie and the others in the morning that they are no longer connected by Jinks' injuries and pain. After ensuring that neither of them is employing an artifact, Artie runs his own series of tests on Claudia and Jinks until he's satisfied with the results and willing to allow them both out into the field at the same time. They pout and plead with Artie to assign them a case together because, it's been like five months, and while that seems insignificant to someone who's been around since the dawn of civilization, for those that are younger, it feels like forever. He glares and grumbles but he acquiesces.
High-fives.
Donovan and Jinks, artifact hunting together again.
Partners. Friends. BFFs. Laverne and Shirley.
Former secret lovers.
They snag, bag, and tag. They both experience the normal bumps and scrapes that come with working at the Warehouse. Jinks only feels his physical pain, all of it but he never complains, and Claudia only feels her own physical pain and emotional pain, her heartache, which has yet to numb.
Claudia considers trying to rekindle her fling with Dwayne before deciding that it's probably a lost cause. She encourages Jinks to ask out the cute new male barista at the coffeehouse who keeps flirting with him.
After a couple weeks of her nagging him, he finally does. Claudia's happy for him, she truly is, and she squeals and offers to help him pick out what to wear on his date. He just kind of stares at her before reminding her that they don't really have the same taste in fashion and that if either should help the other prepare for a date, he should be helping her; she needs a wing man.
The fact that they are not ruined is what holds the pieces of her heart together. Yes, this, their friendship is so much more important, she cherishes it so much more, than any other relationship that she may foolishly want to exist between them.
She wants so much but she knows better than to expect to ever get most of what she wants. Especially with Jinks, now that they are back to what is defined as their normal.
This is what acceptance must feel like.
Claudia resolves that she will not entertain unrealistic expectations. She will not hope that Jinks will start knocking on her door again, with his special knock (two soft raps, a pause, two more soft raps), late at night. She will drive herself crazy if she does and she will only end up causing herself more pain in the long run.
And, if, by chance, he does knock on her door, she will be strong from here on out and she will do what she should have that very first night. She will pull away from his kiss, she will shy away from his touch, and she will be his best friend and nothing more. Never again.
She will not give in to her baser instincts. She will not choose pleasure over pain (heartache). She will not—
Knock knock
Knock knock
Claudia's breath catches in the back of her throat and she can feel her resolve wavering before she even calls out, "Come in."
As expected from the knock, Jinks stands on the other side of the door, looking a bit lost and confused. He slips inside of her room. He leans against the door.
"It's not over, Claud, is it?"
She remains seated on her bed and doesn't quite meet his eyes. "It can be if we say it is."
There's an edge of desperation in his voice. "Do you want it to be over?"
She looks him straight in the eye to lie to him. "Yes. Don't you?"
Jinks looks down, knitting his brows together as he weighs her lie. "It's your call, Claudia. If you want this to be over, then, it's over. I just wanted to be sure."
He pauses, giving her the opportunity to change her mind and be honest. He nods his head and gives her a small smile. "Goodnight, Claudia."
"Goodnight, Jinksy," she says quietly as he slips back out of her room.
Want. What she wants. The problem is that there has always been an underlying want inside of her. She wants him and she doesn't want to stop wanting him, even though it's wrong. And if he still wants her, even if it's not real, because it can't be… But if it was…if it is….
Ten minutes later, Claudia is replicating Jinks' knock on his bedroom door.
It's not over.
It's not over because she does not want it to be.