Author's note: this story is set after third season's finale - assuming that Jane killed the real Red John...
My life
Jane was lying on his makeshift bed in the attic – staring into the gloom above him.
His mind kept going through what had happened earlier that day. He just couldn't help it.
From the moment he had stepped out of prison, he knew there was something different about Lisbon.
She was happy he'd been set free, of course. However… she was also so quiet. Quieter that he'd ever seen her before.
He'd never have guessed the truth, anyway. Until he discovered it completely by chance.
"Hi, Lisbon. Nice morning, isn't it?"
She barely looked at him. "Yeah".
Sitting on the edge of her desk, he cheerfully added: "Cat got your tongue? My dear Lisbon, if I didn't know you better, I'd say you're brooding over unrequited love".
The sharp intake of her breath didn't escape his attention.
"Is that so? There you have me beaten, I must admit. Maybe you're not as translucent as I've always thought".
"Jane, would you mind leaving me alone? I have to deal with this pile of paperwork, if you didn't happen to notice".
Her voice was sharp, with more than a note of bitterness in it. He reached for a loose strand of her hair and tucked it behind her ear.
"You can talk to me, you know. I'm not going to tell anyone".
At that moment he met her eyes, and what he found there had him absolutely astonished.
She had never looked so vulnerable and sad. So much in love.
With him.
Anger got the better of her a few seconds later, and she jerked away from his touch.
"That's none of your business. This is my life. Go back to your beloved couch, and leave me alone!"
"I… I'm sorry, Lisbon".
She laughed mirthlessly. "For what?"
"I didn't mean to hurt you. Really".
"I'm a big girl, Jane. I can handle it. Just as I've always done. Funny how I keep on falling for the wrong man, isn't it?"
"Lisbon…"
That was too much for her. "Get the hell out of my office! Now!"
He couldn't remember the last time he had seen her so upset. Guiltily, he fell in with her order and left.
He just wasn't able to make out how Lisbon could love him.
He'd always thought she deserved some nice, caring guy – someone who was going to make her truly happy. Not a broken, battered man like he was.
And yet… there was something else about it. Something he couldn't quite grasp.
That's none of your business, she had told him.
How on Earth it wasn't his business, if she was in love with him?
Then, in a flash, he understood. Lisbon was assuming he'd never reciprocate her feelings.
Which might be true, but… she should have asked him, at least.
It broke his heart to think of Lisbon – his Lisbon – committing herself to heartbreak. Again.
Without the slightest attempt to fight.
If only he could come to love her…
Could he?
Sighing, he let his thoughts drift towards his most beloved wife and daughter. Angela and Charlotte.
He couldn't betray them. He still loved them so much…
They…
They wouldn't want him to waste his life. Let alone hurting the single person who still cared for him.
Abruptly, he stood up and headed towards the stairs.
...
Lisbon was wandering aimlessly around her office. She just couldn't bring herself to go home.
"You're a coward", she muttered to herself. "You'll have to face reality, sooner or later. It's no use hiding from it".
However, she didn't want to give up the odd sense of comfort the empty bullpen conveyed her. Not yet.
There, her life was all about her job. She could forget for a moment the turmoil of her own feelings and thoughts.
What an idiot I've been, she thought again.
If only she hadn't fallen for Patrick Jane, of all people…
She was startled when she felt two strong arms wrapping around her waist. Her body stiffened as the faint smell of his aftershave revealed the identity of the man behind her.
"Jane, I don't need your pity. I'm fine".
He slid his hands on her forearms. "It's not as you think".
Lisbon was desperately trying not to surrender to his embrace. "Jane…"
"Please, let me. I need to know how it feels".
The slightest tremor hiding in his voice made her heart flutter. She relaxed into his arms, allowing him to gently nuzzle her hair.
He heard her gasp when he placed a small, featherlike kiss on her neck – just below her ear.
"I want to try. But you have to be very patient with me. Will you?"
She closed her eyes before whispering: "Haven't I always been, through all these years?"