It's a Crazy Life
"C'mon, princess, I know you can do this," said the Joker, holding out his arms to his daughter Arleen, who stood perched upon a table, looking down at the ground below her in terror.
She shook her head vehemently. "I can't, Daddy!" she protested.
"Sure you can," he repeated. "You just gotta believe in yourself, the same way I do. I know you can do this, princess. Just take a deep breath, shut your eyes, and jump, and Daddy will be right here to catch you, I promise. Trust me, sweetheart."
She nodded, squeezing her eyes shut. She breathed in heavily, and then gave a little shriek and jumped off the table into her father's arms. "Way to go, princess!" cheered Joker, as she slowly opened her eyes and realized she was safe, cuddling into her father's embrace. "We'll get you over this fear of heights yet!"
"Kinda an unfortunate phobia to have in a big city like Gotham," commented Arleen's twin brother J.J. "Everything goes up."
"That's why we're doing this training, J.J. – so she can try jumping off higher and higher stuff until she realizes there's nothing to be afraid of," explained Joker. "And then she'll be able to jump off any building in this town she likes, just like her old man. The Bat will always be there to catch you, kiddies, but try to avoid him until you're old enough to take him on. Daddy will teach you."
"You think that's why Leenie's afraid of heights?" asked J.J. "She equates high buildings with Batman, so any reminder of heights makes her subconsciously face her fears?"
"I dunno, kid – you have to ask your Mom about that psychological mumbo jumbo," retorted Joker. "She used to be a shrink, y'know."
"Just got a call – they're on their way, puddin'," said Harley Quinn, entering the room. "I still wish Lex had told you why he came all the way to Gotham to see you and Johnny, especially at Christmas. It's not like we don't have enough to do around the holidays."
"Well, it's not like Lex has any respect for other people," retorted Joker.
"Neither do you," reminded Harley.
"Yeah, but I also ain't a politician," agreed Joker. "Their respect for humanity is lower than my own, and that's saying something."
"Didn't Mr. Luthor used to be president?" asked J.J.
"Yep," said Joker, nodding. "And have you ever heard of a president who had respect for other people? If they're not starting wars, they're eavesdropping, or cutting down cherry trees, or dying thirty days after they're elected, or freeing all the slaves. None of which shows any respect for people or their way of life. Like Bats. God, he'd be a paranoid president. Make Nixon look relatively sane."
"As far as I know, he ain't running," said Harley. "Anyway, nobody would ever vote for a guy in a mask."
"They would if he was a celebrity," retorted Joker. "And Bats is definitely that. Never underestimate the stupidity of people's actions when they encounter a celebrity. Remember how that last lot of hostages acted around me? They were utterly speechless."
"That's because you said if they said a word, you'd cut 'em into tiny pieces and send them back to their families for Christmas wrapped in a box and bow," said Harley.
"And I would have too," agreed Joker, nodding and kissing Arleen. "What can I say? I'm a sentimental guy, and I like reuniting loving families during the holiday season."
"How's the phobia training coming along?" asked Harley.
"Fine – she's getting there," said Joker. "Aren't you, princess?"
"It's scary jumping off something so high," said Arleen.
"I know it seems that way, princess," said Joker, nodding. "But trust me, that fear is all in your mind. Nobody and nothing is gonna hurt you as long as Daddy's around."
"Mommy, is Leenie afraid of jumping off things because she associates that with Batman, and our past bad experiences with him, which has instilled a sense of irrational terror into her?" asked J.J.
"Maybe, J.J.," agreed Harley. "But you should ask your Uncle Jonathan when he gets here – fear's his thing."
A knock came on the door. "Speak of the devil!" chuckled Joker, as he headed over to open the door, to reveal Jonathan Crane, his wife Emilia, their young daughter Katrina, and their newborn baby Annabel in Emilia's arms.
"Sorry we're late," apologized Emilia. "But Jonathan's thrown his back out, and the stairs were rather difficult."
"Oh yeah? How did that happen?" asked Joker.
"Slept on it funny," said Crane, hastily, just as Emilia said, "Exercise."
They both shared a look. "Or rather, exercise…" began Crane, just as Emilia said, "Yes, he slept on it funny."
Joker looked from one to the other, and grinned. "All right, what's the real reason?" he asked. "It's something really embarrassing, isn't it? Tell me, tell me, tell me!"
"No, thank you," snapped Crane, shoving past him and wincing. "Can we just get going, please? I want this business with Luthor done and out of the way so I can focus on Christmas with my family."
"You and me both," agreed Joker. "He's like a grinch, sucking all the holiday cheer out of the room. I'm gonna call him Lexy Grinch. Sounds a bit like sexy grinch, which sounds like an ill-advised Halloween costume…"
"It's not enough that I have to spend time with you without listening to your relentless babbling," sighed Crane. "Can we please just go and get this over with?"
"Well, somebody's not in tune with the spirit of the season!" chuckled Joker. "It's about charity and goodwill toward men and…"
"And it's the reason I prefer Halloween," agreed Crane.
"Uncle Jonathan, my sister has developed a fear of heights," said J.J. "Do you think this is subconsciously related to her fear of Batman?"
"My dear boy, ordinarily I would like nothing better than to discuss the causes and effects of fear, but I have to endure a tedious business meeting with a former politician, and my back is in pain," snapped Crane. "Now is really not the best time."
J.J. sighed. "Fine – I'll go read about subconscious fears and figure it out for myself," he muttered.
"That's a good life lesson for you, kid – you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself," said Joker, nodding. "No good depending on these useless space wasters for information. They won't even tell me how Johnny threw his back out, and I'm sure it's a great punchline…"
"We're going now," interrupted Crane. "Goodbye, my angels," he said, kissing his wife and daughters.
"Don't be gone too long," said Harley, kissing Joker. "We got the Christmas party later, and I don't wanna do all the hosting myself."
"Don't worry, toots – tormenting our guests will be just the thing to cheer me up after a boring meeting with Lexy," said Joker. "Can't wait to prank everyone good! Now Leenie, while I'm away, you think brave thoughts," he said, picking up his daughter and kissing her. "And when I get back, we'll try that jumping again."
"Ok, Daddy," said Arleen, nodding. "I wanna be brave for you."
"Kid, you're already brave," said Joker. "You're the most fearless gal I know."
"Technically, total lack of fear would imply an evolutionary defect, since fear is an asset meant to enhance the continuation of the species by bestowing upon us a modicum of caution," spoke up Crane.
"All right, Professor, thanks for that," sighed Joker. "Let's get outta here, huh?"