Alexander.
If you ever try to count how many times you said his name you'll probably need hundreds of years. You loved this special sounds while pronouncing it. He used to like you spelling his name when you were in bed, kissing and touching...
"A"
"A" was like anyone when you asked him who did he date before you, who did he kiss. You loved being his first, his prince charming on the white horse.
"A" was like anger he felt when he got to know about Camille. You knew it was wrong and you were trying to convince him, and he believed you.
"A" was like being alone, the feeling you felt when he left, making a whole in your heart, causing emptiness you can't even control anymore.
"L"
"L" was like your sweet love, fearlessly and forever. Forever that never happened. But your love had happened and you still can't believe it's over. How is it even possible?
"L" was like lying on the bed, snuggling. Kissing him on the forehead, making him tremble, with knowledge that you are there for each other.
"L" was like lemonade he loved and you hated, but you used to buy a bottle for him every Thursday, because he had training and you wanted to make him smile.
"E"
"E" was like expectation after your first meet, being afraid of your future, uncertainty does he feel the way you do.
"E" was like elegance when you saw him in the suit instead of overstretched sweater like always, because you were going to the theatre on your first real date.
"E" was like engagement when you put this tiny, inconspicuous ring on his finger, making a vow you'll never leave him, you'll be with him until you die and you'll love him forever.
"X"
"X" was like his letters for you, always on your bedside table in the morning, telling you "I'm on the mission, don't worry. Love u. xoxo"
"X" was like you and him united in one, every night. His body on yours, his breath, your glowing eyes. His whispers and your touch. Two of us and one love.
"X" was like xanax he used to take after his brother death, with his tears instead of water. Your cold fingers, grabbing his wrists and pulling him close, taking off the pain.
"A"
"A" was like angel, because you always called him like that when you were telling someone about him, you knew he was an angel because just angels are that perfect.
"A" was like again when he gave you the second chance, taking all the pain and despair, making you alive again, breathing, being able to feel.
"A" was like anxiety you used to feel, every time when he was on the mission, fighting demons and you couldn't remember how to breathe, wondering if you would ever see him again.
"N"
"N" was like Nephilim, the thing that make your relationship so dangerous and incorrect. You were a warlock, Satan's child and he was an Angel miracle. Despite this you two were in love and nothing could stop you...
"N" was like never after his quiet question "will you leave me one day?". You never left him. He did. It was his choice. It was his decision to make.
"N" was like neck as a part of the body when he liked to be kissed the most, he always trembled when your lips were there, he was calling your name and moaning. You knew you couldn't picked better.
"D"
"D" was like drink you made for him when he came to your loft for the first time. He winced while drinking, you remember as well, that was the first time with alcohol for him. And still you got a sweet kiss after that.
"D" was like driving, when he used to take you for midnight driving with the windows down, when you were free, didn't need anything and anyone, just you too and beautiful night.
"D" was like dark, the word you used to describe his eyes, breathtaking, big and exactly dark
"E"
"E" was like early, it was 5 am and he? Already awake, getting ready for another beautiful day, waking you up with sweet, gentle kisses, touching your skin and making you fresh, hot coffe in your favourite mug.
"E" was like e-mail you got when you were in London, and he was asking if you were fine and is it rainy in England. I twas very rainy, but he was your sunshine.
"E" was like emergency when you almost died, watching him fighting for life after complicated surgery, knowing you can do exactly nothing to help.
"R"
"R" was like romance, the first one because before him you just thought you know what "to love" means but then, you met him. And boom, now you know what does it mean. Pain.
"R" was like reading, lying together in a hammock under the trees in your garden, reading poetry. He was always falling asleep, he hated poetry but he liked you reading it because your voice was "so sexy and soft"
"R" was like rain which always makes your hair very ugly, but he used to combs them with his fingers, trying to make you laugh – he did, every time.
Alexander.
One name, so many things to think about. It's not like you didn't match every words to every letter in his name, trying to fill this emptiness that his departure created... No. You were just... waiting. Waiting, right?
Waiting for him to come back, to make you stop saying his name to the walls in your room. Or maybe this is also your imagination? He's here with you. Alec. He always was. Being is not just body next to you, so why are you complaining? You have your 9 letters, it's that much. So... why do you keep feeling lonely?