He was tired, sick and tired of always being second best to that pipsqueak Albino. He was tired of always being compared to him and how intellectual he was. It made his blood boil when he saw or even heard about Nate River, Near, or N. All the names Near had were like a stab to his heart, each more worse than the other until he could barely breath. Those infuriatingly black bottomless pits of eyes that seemed to bore holes into his soul, searching for everything that the person known as Mello truly was. That white hair that was like pale bones as was the soft creamy skin that only served to anger him further, because Near was perfect in every little way, he had always wanted to be Near because he was always so perfect and loved. Every day he was looked upon as the useless troublemaker that did nothing but make and create trouble for others, while Near was always the Golden boy, the Angel, and the favorite.
Even at Wammy's they had been pushed and educated to do their best, to surpass each other and become the next L. Everyone at Wammy's had been picked from the best and worst. Like harvest they were all hewn from nothing and made exceptional, they were all placed into unfamiler and hostile surroundings and striped down and crushed with the pressure on their heads. They should have been the same, and yet Near had surpassed them all, he had stood out since the very moment he had set foot in Wammy's.
At first when he had first began to know Near he had felt remorse for the younger boy, remorse because of the fact of the work, expectations, and whisperings placed upon the boy. Confusion has been the next emotion he had felt, he was confused because of the quiet whisperings and glares that the other children would shoot at Near like they were bullets wishing to kill him, he had become confused from how distant his friend had become, he was scared he had done something to him to make him become more distant, it had terrified him seeing the deep black bags underneath those black eyes that he had once loved. But all of that had been forgotten when the anger had finally settled deep into his heart and soul, anger because of how defensive Near had become, anger for the others that pushed and prodded Mello as if he were a test subject for still having hope that the old Near, the Near he had played with at the small creek and caught frogs with, Matt had taken Near's place as a friend, but the burn of betrayal had never ceased.
Years had passed since his childhood and yet the intense emotions had never gone away, but increased in intensity a the years sharpened them like the dull blade being sharpened, years had passed since he had seen Near's happy and smiling face, years had passed since he had first understood what the emotions had all meant when put together, he knew and yet he tried to ignore and avoid them all. He would never in his life tell anyone about how he truly felt for the infuriating brat. Anger, hate, envy, greed, and his pride were mixed together in a frenzy trying to conceal the one emotion that had him more confused than everything else, everything to him was simple except the emotion that he would regret to admit he had and wanted. He would never tell anyone until the day he died.
Love. Love was what he regretted he had for Near, he had not meant to fall in love with him, it had all been a horrible accident on his own part, he had been careless and let the albino into his life, let him see the parts of him that he was ashamed of. And yet he still dwelled upon the past, nothing but useless memories that delved up painful memories of the abandonment he had dealt with when Near had been chosen as L's next in line. And yet he had been the one to be left at Wammy's with Matt replacing Near completely, and yet the memories of his happier past still stung him like getting stabbed, everything hurt when he was reminded of Near. All he had ever wanted was to be a friend to him, and yet he had pushed him away like his own family had pushed him away onto the streets where L and Watari had found him as a young child. He had been happy for the first year he had been there, then Near had come.
Near. The very word had hurt him each time he had heard it. Near, his Near that had always made him happy when he had failed in his tasks, Near the one who had helped him when he had gone through his awkward and shy stages, and it had been only Near that had managed to break his heart when he had left him. He had left Mello with a thing worse than death, he had left him with a kiss. The kiss had left him confused, numb, and hurt for the Albino had left when he had finally been able to move. It had been Matt and not Near helping him get over, or at least numb the pain of his loss for Near, he had often stayed awake at night only to stare remorsefully at the silver moon as if he could see Near inside its silver depths. He had missed his Near but his pain had ebbed slowly