A/N: This is for you iFlygon. For those who want to know, iFlygon commented on how my OC James Campbell reminded him of soup. Thus, the Soup Alchemist was created. Enjoy this crack fic and please review! I own nothing!
The Adventures of the Soup Alchemist
Once upon a time, there was an alchemist named Billy McCampbell. Everyone gave him a hard time because of his name. He acquired many nicknames including Cup-o-Soup, Tomato and Ramen Man. He was terribly made fun of until the day he finally got his state certification.
"Finally!" he exclaimed, in his thick Irish accent. "I can show all those grade-school friends of mine how amazingly epic I am with my amazingly epic state certification!"
He was called in to Colonel Mustang's office because, well, this is an FMA fic, so we have to have SOME FMA characters. Mustang opened the letter explaining how he had achieved his state certification and began to read it out loud.
"Congratulations Billy McCampbell, you will henceforth be known as . . ." It was then that Mustang could not continue because he was laughing too hard.
"What?" Billy snatched the paper and almost died on the spot when he read his name. "NOOOOOOOO!" he mourned. He stormed out of the room, his short temper getting the best of him.
As he was walking home, distraught, he happened across Scar, because that is how things like this roll. Scar looked at him funny, seeing the pocket watch he was holding in his hand.
"You're a State Alchemist?" the revenge-crazy Ishvalan asked. "But, how can I not know you?"
"Cuz I just got this today."
"Oh, well in that case, DIE!" And Scar proceeded to attack poor Billy.
Billy, seeing the imminent fight, clapped his hands together and made a whole bunch of tomato soup come spraying out of the ground.
"What the-?" Scar spluttered, covered in tomato soup. "That isn't even physically possible! Where is this soup coming from? Who are you?"
"Don't mess with me. Because I," he paused dramatically, "am the Soup Alchemist."
"No!" Scar yelled as he was driven away by soup. His voice was heard in the distance, "How did he know my one weakness?"
"Cool." Billy smiled. "I beat him."
The next day at lunch, everyone, as in Falman, Havoc, Breda, Fuery, Riza, Mustang, Ed and Al, were sitting at the lunch table, glaring at their boring food. Along walked Billy McCampbell and he saw there exasperated expressions.
"Ya know," he sat down between Havoc and Breda, "you don't have to eat that awful food."
"We don't?" Everyone gasped in unison.
"Nope. You guys got some bowls?"
Ed clapped his hands and smacked the table, transmuting at least fifty bowls. "Yup," he said.
"Good," Billy smiled. Then he transmuted the best beef stew they had ever eaten in their lives, because not only could he transmute amazing soup, but he was also a stew connoisseur.
Al looked at the stew gloomily. "But, Mr. Soup Alchemist Sir, I don't have a body. How am I supposed to eat that?"
"Hmm," Billy thought. Then, he had an epiphany. "Hey Ed!" And he proceeded to whisper something to Ed that no one could hear. Even I didn't catch it.
"That would work!" Ed exclaimed, acting completely OOC.
He suddenly clapped his hands together and put them on the bowl of stew. Then he disappeared. Everyone thought that was strange, but decided to ignore it. Except for Al who was horribly confused. And still wanting stew.
MEANWHILE . . . AT THE GATE . . .
Ed appeared at the Gate with his bowl of stew.
"Hey Truth person!" he called.
"What do you want? Annoying brat." The Truth growled.
"Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the Gate," Ed rolled his eyes. "I came to get Al."
"What do you have to sacrifice?" The Truth sounded annoyed. "Can't get a moment of rest," it muttered. "Stupid alchemists always showing up with stupid ideas. Trying to piss me off, more like."
"I brought this," Ed held up the bowl.
"You have GOT to be kidding me. I might give you a finger for that stunt. Or maybe an ear."
"Just try it. Then give me back my brother."
"Fine. Whatever. If I try it will you go away?"
"Sure." Ed agreed.
The Truth grabbed the spoon that Ed had stuffed in his pocket sometime a few paragraphs up and took a little sip of the stew.
"Oh. Mah. Holy. FUDGE!" The Truth exclaimed. "This stew is AMAZING!" And he ate, because he hadn't eaten for at least . . . ever.
Ed laughed at the Truth's sudden attitude change. "Ok," he finally said, "Ima gonna take Al now. I'll see ya later."
"Yeah . . . whatever," the Truth was too busy scarfing the stew to care.
BACK IN AMESTRIS . . .
"So," Billy asked. "How did it go?"
"It worked perfectly!" Ed exclaimed as Al shoveled stew into his face.
"I knew it would! I am a genius!"
"That you are," Ed laughed. "In fact, you are my hero Mr. Soup Alchemist person."
"Aww, thanks, laddie." Billy ruffled his hair. "Well, I am off to spread the joy of soup to the rest of Amestris! Take care Elrics! And the rest of you too!"
As he began to walk away, Riza said, with stars in her eyes, "Look, Mustang. There goes the future Fuhrer. I can already tell it will be him one day."
"What?" Mustang gasped. "But . . . I . . . Coup d'état?"
Everyone waved and shouted thank yous and goodbyes as Billy McCampbell, the Soup Alchemist, disappeared into the sunset. Everybody except Mustang, who was in his emo corner.
The End.