Title: Darkness
Fandom(s): Alexander/Hephaistion
Pairing(s): Hephaistion/Alexander,
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Own nothing and nothing is true. All events are purely fictitious.
Warning(s): M/m slash, angst, fluff, more AU than historical
Word-count: 4,018
Note: Written for bi-weekly Alexander Alphabet Challenge. Please understand that my writing falls more to the emotional side than the historical and as such I tend to mold my characters to suit my own needs – and it is not my intention to offend anybody or change the order of history.
"I know you're there, Alexander. Do you not think that after all our years together that I do not know your presence in the room with me? Do you not think that the mere intake of air into your mouth with every breath is familiar and soothing? Or that the soft squeak that your left nostril makes when you exhale because of the broken nose you suffered when we were young, does not immediately enter the sensitivity of my ears?
"Do you not think I can judge you are in my room by a single sniff of the spicy musk your body emits, one that I relish in smelling as our bodies lie close together after an exhausting night of love-making? Do you not think I hear the rustle of your hands as they play with the hem of your chiton because no matter how hard you try, you just cannot stay still for any length of time? Why do you hover in the corner now, my love? Have you bad news you wish to delay in telling me?"
"Hephaistion, my beloved, the bandages have slipped from your eyes while you slept."
"Well, then light a torch, Alexander. Do you not wish to see me in the light? And for me to see you again?"
*****
It had been an accident, a horrible but inescapable mishap. No one had been at fault and there was no one to blame, and truth be told, it could have been much worse.
"Hephaistion, could you stoke the fire, man, it's cooling off much too rapidly for these old bones of mine," Cleitus had requested, his hands coming up to rub his goose fleshed arms. "And be sure to not get that pretty hair of yours too close or you'll burst into flames."
The men laughed as Hephaistion smirked at the older general. "But I dare say, you'll be happy to roll me around and put out the fire, won't you now, Cleitus."
"Any chance to roll you around under me is a chance I would not miss, General Hephaistion."
Hephaistion approached the fire, the smirk still residing on his beautiful face and a metal bar in his hands to stir the flames in the pit. He reached in to shift the wood around and suddenly the fire exploded, sending him sprawling backwards and landing him on his back in the dirt.
Hephaistion's screams and moans could be heard throughout the camp and the doctor was quickly sent for, as Cleitus and Ptolemy carefully carried the stricken man to his tent. His screams fell to silence suddenly as he sucked the pain back into his body and concentrated on controlling his breathing. The torture he was feeling in his face was overpowering but his pride was still strong within him and he struggled to maintain his composure.
*****
They all heard Alexander coming from a mile away, the King's voice carrying through the night, loud and demanding. "Where is he? What in Zeus' name happened?"
Men were shoved aside as Alexander entered the tent. "Phai? Oh for the love of the gods, Hephaistion, what's happened? Where in mighty Hades is the doctor?" Alexander bellowed as he approached the bed and had to suck in his breath at what he saw. "Hephaistion? It is me, love," he said loudly, with no regard for the men surrounding him or the quiet man in the bed.
"Calm yourself, Alexander," Cleitus warned. "The doctor's been here and gone already. You're best to not bellow and scream and make Hephaistion more distraught than he already is." Alexander glared at the older man kneeling beside the cot, his hand firmly holding that of Hephaistion's.
"You're free to leave, Cleitus. I appreciate you attending to Hephaistion in my absence but I am here now," Alexander said strongly as he dismissed the smirking general.
"Always such a jealous man, my King," Cleitus smirked some more, bending down to whisper in Hephaistion's ear. "Be well Hephaistion and if the King allows it, I shall return later to see how you fare."
"Why is he not speaking? When did this happen and why was I not alerted right away?" Alexander worried as he took Cleitus' spot beside the recumbent man. "Why does he not know I'm here?"
"It has been several hours, Alexander, and you were summoned when it happened. The doctor tended to him and gave him something for the pain. He has just now settled down enough to sleep and I would suggest you allow him the rest he needs."
"Who are you to tell me what to do when it comes to Hephaistion, General Cleitus?" Alexander barked as he stood and glared at the man.
Cleitus did not flinch. "I know you are upset, my King, but I shall not allow you to disturb Hephaistion with your selfish ranting after all he has just been through. Calm yourself and be there for him and do stop thinking of yourself, Alexander." Cleitus turned and left Alexander staring at his back.
The King kneeled back down and took Hephaistion's hand in his. He was not selfish, just worried. He was not thinking only of himself, but only of Hephaistion. Or was he?
He reached out a hand to brush the hair from his lover's face only to realize that some sections were singed and blackened. He longed to run and talk to the doctor but did not want to leave Hephaistion alone within the darkness of the bandages covering his eyes. As he inspected the face he knew so well, even in the torchlight he could see the painful redness that surrounded the coverings on Hephaistion's face.
"I was being selfish and you would strongly chastise me for that if you were awake, wouldn't you, my beloved? I did not mean to ignore your pain and suffering in favor of my jealous pride that another was comforting you."
"If Cleitus is where your jealousy lies then you have been drinking too much wine this evening, my King," the general's soft voice suddenly whispered.
Alexander's face lit up and he moved his head closer to Hephaistion's. "I thought you were sleeping, my love?"
"I was until my tent was filled with the mighty roar of a lion," the general whispered, again. "Do you wish my attention now to rant some more or may I be allowed to go back to sleep?"
"Of course, Phai. Rest, my love. I shall sit with you all the night in case you need me," Alexander whispered back as he leaned further in to kiss Hephaistion on the forehead but unintentionally startled the man. "Gods, I'm sorry. I merely meant to comfort you, my love."
Hephaistion softly squeezed Alexander's arm. "With my eyes covered, I just didn't see your approach, Alexander, but that does not mean it was not wanted." Alexander smiled and brushed his lips over the general's warm forehead.
"I love you, Phai, more than life itself," he murmured against his lover.
"And I, you, Alexander," Hephaistion replied as his drifted off.
*****
"It has been a week, Alexander. Why can the bandages not be removed yet? Why must I be kept in this tent like a man with a disease?" Hephaistion whined as he sat on his bed, his fingers picking restlessly at his nails as Alexander sat by his side rubbing his arm.
"You'll do as the doctor says, you stubborn fool, or shall I use my kingly powers and order it so?" Alexander replied with a smile on his lips.
"But I'm bored, Alexander. I know not what to do with myself." He flinched a little as he was suddenly pushed down onto his back by Alexander's hand planted firmly on his chest. "I believe the doctor said I wasn't to do anything strenuous, my King."
"Strenuous?" Alexander's voice squeaked. "Is that what our coupling is to you now, Phai, strenuous? How about I promise to do all the work so you don't strain yourself." He covered Hephaistion's mouth with his as the general wrapped his arms around his neck.
"Is it at least nightfall, my King?" Hephaistion whispered against the warm lips. "We don't want someone walking in and seeing us … straining ourselves, now do we?"
Alexander's lips moved gently against his lover's skin, his tongue tracing the strong jaw then retreating to the sensitive spot behind Hephaistion's ear. "We shall not be disturbed, of that I can assure you. And I've decided I quite enjoy having you at my mercy as well, not knowing where my next line of attack will be with regards to your beautiful … battlefield."
Hephaistion snorted then sucked in his breath as Alexander made his next plan of attack perfectly clear. "Perhaps when these bandages come off we should wrap your eyes so I can return the favor. It is quite exhilarating using all my other senses especially when you're touching me like that."
"I'm up for the challenge, my beloved," Alexander whispered as his hands continued their exploration and his lips returned to Hephaistion's. "But for now, just lie there and let me conquer you."
*****
"Alexander! I asked you to light a torch. Why are you not answering me?" Hephaistion suddenly felt the warmth of Alexander's hand on his arm. "What is with you? Why are you stumbling around in the dark for no good reason?"
"Phai. The torches are lit, my love. Can you still not see me?"
Hephaistion's hand went immediately to his face, touching the bandage that was now pushed up onto his forehead. "My eyes are open, are they not, Alexander?" he whispered, his voice fearful. He felt Alexander's fingers caress his cheek. "They are open, aren't they?"
"They are open, my love, but perhaps they need a little time to adjust to the light. Perhaps they are still healing." He looked into the beautiful cerulean pools that stared unseeing back at him and bit his lip nervously.
Hephaistion took a deep, cleansing breath. "Do they look … different, Alexander? Are they hideously scarred and the doctor just did not tell me so?"
"No. They are as beautiful as ever, my Phai. Let me run and get the doctor so he can have a look."
"No! Please don't leave me, Alexander, not right at this moment." Alexander watched as the clear blue eyes filled with sparkling tears just before Hephaistion closed them and pressed his palms to his face and the King gathered him into his arms.
*****
"Alexander, calm yourself!" Cleitus yelled as the King gripped the doctor by the throat. "The man cannot heal Hephaistion simply because you have threatened his life. And threatened it repeatedly, I dare say."
Alexander slowly let go of the man's neck, his wrath turning to Cleitus. "Then what shall you have me do, General Cleitus? Just accept that one of my generals will never see again because a useless doctor says he cannot find anything wrong? And do you require that I issue you a warning with regards to yelling at your King?"
"Ah," Cleitus spit out. "If you want to punish me, so be it. But what I have to say must be said by someone … your majesty. You need to stop these tyrannical outbursts and see to your men, as you should be doing. There's hardly a soul in this camp who has courage enough to step in your path right now, let alone speak his mind to you. And Hephaistion is not the least bit amused by your behavior either, I might add."
"And what would you know about what amuses Hephaistion, General Cleitus?" Alexander stepped closer to the man, chest to chest, neither of them backing down. "Have you been paying him some unwanted visits that I should know about?"
"Oh, Alexander," the larger man groaned. "Get over this belligerent obsession you have with protecting Hephaistion's virtue. There are many men in this camp who would undoubtedly love to bed the lovely general but not one that does not know where Hephaistion's heart and soul lie. And certainly not any daft enough to try and take him away from you."
Alexander averted his eyes and looked at the other men in the room. "You need not worry about us telling tales out of school, my King. All the men in this room are loyal to both you and Hephaistion and you, yourself, cannot tell me there are many left in this camp who do not know of your … affection … for one another. Hephaistion is our general, as well as our friend, and the reason I say he is not amused is because I do have occasion to visit with him during those rare moments when you leave his side."
"I, as well, Alexander," Ptolemy's voice came from the back.
"And what do you two, in all your infinite wisdom, recommend that I do? Shall I leave him to his own devices and let him stumble around in the dark until he falters and decides to go on no more? Shall I turn my back on him and allow this imbecile doctor to convince him that there is no chance he shall ever see again?" Alexander turned from Cleitus and sat on the nearest chair. "I know not what to do to help him so all I can do is be by his side. All I can do is let him know he is not alone."
"He knows he is not alone, Alexander. He knows you care for him more than life itself but he feels overwhelming guilt. He feels guilt over all the time you are spending with him and away from my duties," Ptolemy said, laying a hand on Alexander's shoulder, just to have it shaken off roughly as Alexander rose, again.
"My duties! My duties mean nothing to me in comparison to Hephaistion and it is far beyond my understanding why he would not know that, why he would say such a thing to you and not to me himself."
"He wants me to find him a wife." Alexander spun on his heels to face Cleitus. "He asked me to go into the village and find him a woman that he could supply with a handsome dowry in order that she will take him in and care for him."
"What?" Alexander bellowed. "What lies are you spreading now, Cleitus? Are you so jealous of the attention that I give Hephaistion that you would spew such lies to me? Or is it Hephaistion's attention that you so savagely seek?"
"I was there, also, Alexander," Ptolemy said. "What Cleitus speaks is the truth. Hephaistion wallows in grief over the time you spend with him and over the worry you have in your heart for him. He seeks a way for you to be able to go back to how you were, to running your army and continuing your plans."
Alexander sat heavily in the chair again, his face dropping to his hands. "How can he believe that sending him off to live with some strange woman is the solution to his plight?"
"You need to talk to him, Alexander. You need to talk to him as the man he is, not as a scared woman about to give birth. He needs you to respect him again with your words and your actions, not coddle him and treat him as if he is frail and incapable of doing anything for himself. Can you not try and do that, Alexander? Can you not put your hurt and worried feelings aside to speak with the man you have loved since you were a boy and treat him with the respect and dignity that he deserves and that he so craves from you?" Cleitus stepped forward and knelt before the King. "That's all he wants. I do not believe he wants to marry some unknown woman in order to have a care-giver for life nor do I believe he wants to leave you and this army of men he loves so."
"I … never thought I was treating him with disrespect, Cleitus. I have only been trying to let him know he is not alone in his frustration and sorrow. Have I added to those to things with my behavior?"
"He loves you, Alexander. There is nothing surer in this life to me than that fact and the fact that you love him. Just go to him and allow him to tell you his fears without trying to make everything better all the time. Just let him express what he needs to, without fear that you will go off on another of your tirades." Cleitus took Alexander's arm and helped him out of the chair. "We'll leave you now and you have our word none of this will leave this room and I shall not talk to Hephaistion about it again."
Alexander stood silent as his generals left the room. Had he been suppressing these feelings that Hephaistion so needed to express to him? Had he been coddling him like a woman about to give birth? He feared the conversation he needed to have but at the same time he needed his beloved to know he did not have to leave in order to appease his guilt. It was all so confusing.
*****
"Alexander? Do you intend to stand by the door all night or have you come to escort me to the dining hall?" Hephaistion asked from his place on the edge of the bed, where his hands moved over his hair, twisting it into braids. "What's troubling you, my love? I can feel your gaze on me even as your lips remain silent."
"Phai? Do you wish to leave the army?" Hephaistion sucked in his breath and tilted his head downward, his hands stilling mid-braid. "And me?"
"Cleitus told you, or perhaps Ptolemy? I'm sorry I did not have the courage to tell you myself."
The King stepped closer to the bed, watching as Hephaistion tore at the skin of his nail beds. He sat down gently beside the man and took hold of his restless hands. "If that is what you truly wish then I will certainly not deny you that which you want, Hephaistion."
"I do not wish to be an encumbrance, Alexander. I do not wish to be a shadow at your side with no place of my own. I do not wish to have you spend all your time worrying about me and treating me as if I was …" he paused, his voice full of emotion that he was finding hard to contain.
Alexander took Hephaistion's chin between his fingers, his eyes traveling over the healing scars around the beautiful blue, sightless eyes. "Treat you like what, my love? Please, I need you to tell me what I'm doing wrong because I have not the fortitude to figure it out for myself at this moment."
"I do not wish to hurt you Alexander. That is the last thing I would ever wish to do, you know that do you not?"
"Yes, Phai, I do. But if you have things you need to say to me, why have you not just said them? Why have you not ranted and raved until I have listened to what you have to say. My stubbornness has never stopped you from speaking your mind before and I recall more than a time or two where your shouts have been heard clear across camp because I was not listening to you."
Hephaistion smiled, his whole heart and soul aching with a yearning to see Alexander at that very moment, to see the brown eyes that he knew were looking so deeply into his own even now as there was no response from the blinded blue. "I feel you are spending too much time with me, Alexander. And as odd as those words sound to me considering the fact that I love you so, that is the truth. I fear you are losing yourself in my … troubles and at the same time, I am being lost as well."
"Do you really wish to find a wife, Hephaistion?" Alexander asked as his voice quieted.
"You know I have never had any use for women in that respect, Alexander. You, of all people, know that females hold no attraction for me whatsoever. I merely thought it would be easier for everyone if I was no longer under foot and if you no longer had to take care of me as you have been," Hephaistion said, his hand reaching up to trace the plains of Alexander's strong, handsome face then resting in his soft curls.
"But I like taking care of you, Phai. I like helping you and making sure you're safe. Have I ignored your feelings with regards to this before, my love? Have I been so busy trying to torture everyone in my way that I failed to realize that you require something else entirely from me?"
"I have mentioned that you should assign an extra page to help me throughout the day, Alexander. Someone to escort me to meals and help me with my everyday needs until I either regain my sight or grow accustomed to being blind. But alas, you would not hear of it because you love me and I understand that. But I feel I am earning nothing but more disrespect and ridicule from being escorted around camp by the King. I am feeling like less of a man and more of a burden."
"You could never become a burden to me, Hephaistion. Not even if I had to carry you around on my back …" His words were cut off by his lover's fingers on his lips and then Hephaistion's lips replaced his fingers and a passionate kiss ensued.
Keeping his forehead to Alexander's and his mouth only inches away from his beloved's, Hephaistion murmured, "I know, my love, and nothing in this world could ever warm my heart more than that but you must let me reclaim some of who I am. You must allow me to become a man again and not a mere invalid who cowers in his tent and resides under your thumb."
"Have I kept you under my thumb, Hephaistion? I can't see that being a very positive thing but you have to understand it's only been a couple of months since the bandages came off and I must continue my hope that you will again look at me with those big blue eyes and see the love I have for you. You've always said you could see my feelings in my eyes, Phai, and now I fear you can't see what's inside me at all."
Hephaistion's breath caught in his throat as the depth of Alexander's words hit him. Alexander was worried that his love for Hephaistion was not getting through to him because he could not see the love in his eyes? Of course, how could it have been clearer?
"I don't have to see you to know you love me, Alexander," his soft voice whispered, as a few stray tears made their way down his face. "I know it from your voice and your touch and everything else about you. That is one thing that my blindness cannot take away … from either of us," he said as he pulled Alexander strongly to him. "You don't have to act as my guardian to prove your love. I have known you loved me from the first moment you took my hand in yours. There are no doubts in my mind whether I can see your eyes or not, that you are sincere and that everything you do for me is with love. Can we not reach an understanding in this so I do not have to be thrown into the bed of some wild woman who will take advantage of me and my innocent virtues?"
Alexander pulled back from the smiling man and couldn't help a grin from encasing his own face. "Yes, we can. As long as you promise me that the only one who will be taking advantage of you, and your innocent virtues, is me."
Hephaistion wrapped his arms tightly around Alexander's neck and pulled him down on top of him. "I believe that even in total darkness, I can still tell the difference between you and a woman in my arms so that is one promise that will never be broken."