My Woolworth Pearls~Or otherwise entitled 'Rumpleteazer's secret suffering' part one.
Rumpleteazer sat in the junkyard, five tail-lengths from her brother; fiddling with her pearls. Her pearls were her salvation, her friend; her distraction. She gazed at them quite often in the fortnight past; as she did today. Intently focused upon them as she began wiping specks of dirt and dust from their ivory glow.
Without a distraction; without my pearls to keep me occupied, everyone would know, Rumpleteazer thought to herself, a feeling so intense beating within her chest. A love nearly to strong for her to contain, as the pain it inflicted through her chest was like liquid fire shooting through her every time she saw Mungojerrie and his chosen mate together.
There was no one she cared for more than Mungojerrie, and as she looked up from her pearls to his calico form; embraced in the arms of another cat, shooting pains flowed through her arms and chest. How could you!, she wanted to cry out and shout; How could you...be so happy... She thought as dispair caused her head to drop back down towards her pearls. Why couldn't you be so happy looking at me? Hope that she would ever see that look on his face was her most cherished desire, the expression he made when there was not an ounce of sadness in his heart, when there was nothing that could be done to make the day sour. The best expression he had ever made was after a successful thieving of a well guarded stash, or when they had pulled the best practical joke they had ever thought up...Yet, it seemed those times with her could not compare to how happy he was in another's arms. That fact is what stabbed through her chest; caused fire to burn all over her body. Her eyes inflame from witholding forbidden tears.
He deserves happiness...Rumpleteazer had realized a fortnight prior, and so she had decided not to tell him of her feelings. mungojerrie knew she cared about him dearly, but a love that should never be felt for a brother was something he had yet to know. At the very least, Rumpleteazer hoped he did not know. Hoped he would never know.
Each happy giggle from his love that Rumpleteazer heard left her feeling cold and frozen. The icy pain which flowed from the spring of her heart would not cease no matter how often she pushed it aside and pretended that it didnt exist. Fire and Ice, over and over again. Hearing him flirt was the worst torture she had ever experienced, and as she clamped her eyes shut momentarily, pain throbbed in her chest and her knees became weak. I can endure this! I must endure this, rumpleteazer would chant in vain...as each day it became harder and harder to push her heart away.
Deep down, Rumpleteazer wished she could run away. To not have to suffer watching him be so happy with someone else, oblivious to her heart. However, she knew her brother would miss her terribly, and the happy look in his eyes would weaken. Even though rumpleteazer was sure his love's presence would soothe the loss. If she suddenly went missing, Mungojerrie would search for her. If she died he would be inconsolable. She could never leave his side; never free herself. The pain she would cause her dear brother was too strong for her to even imagine. Much less inflict upon him. I would rather die than be a cause of sorrow.
So Rumpleteazer would stay by his side. For if she left the junkyard suddenly, the other cats in the alley would talk...or worse Mongo himself would suspect something was up and ask what bothered her. It was one thing suffering from her love, it was another to be looked down upon or pitied for it. How could she handle this if all the other Jellicles suddenly got quiet when she entered the junkyard, or tried to console her? Please, leave me alone! she wanted to yell. She wished beyond wish, that she could suffer alone.
For now, she was able to do just that. She didn't look unhappy, with her paws playing with her pearls and a preoccupied happy smile on her face as she pretended not to care. Pretending to be her old self. Giggling now and then when she got one whole pearl clean or sparkly; tail swaying pleasantly. Even though she was sick of looking at them.
Without her pearls, she would have to watch them with nothing to avert her gaze. Like a poisonious habit, she wanted to look at him so badly; which would surely be her downfall. All the sadness in the world was locked in her chocolate eyes. If another gazed too intently into them they would know she was not happy. Anyone who wasnt daft or blind would be able to notice her inner turmoil if she even hinted of sharing eye-contact. Her pearls saved her. Kept her eyes from looking.
Rumpleteazer would wait each day until he left with his mate, or until she and her brother were to go back home to Victoria grove to leave because she knew that leaving the clearing so she wouldnt have to watch them kiss would give her secret away.
The urge to look at Mungojerrie started to build again, and as she was sick of looking at her pearls she would surely fall victim to it. A distraction! Rumpleteazer thought as she reached for a nearby piece of string. Beginning to toy with it, she unintentionally swayed the white twine against her palm to form the letters m-u-n-g-o-j-e-r-r-i-e in one long sweep, one letter at a time. I don't want anyone else. I wish he didnt need anyone else...
Catching what she was doing, she flicked the string away and watched it float to the ground. With no distraction, she was unable to resist the urge. Lifting her head to look at Mungojerrie, she saw his happy, glowing, eyes and the pain in her heart momentarily ceased. She loved seeing him so happy. His bright face made all the suffering in the world worth it. Him being alive made each day wonderful. Him being happy, was her purpose in life.
This is a gift to you, my beloved.
For if it is her that makes you happy...than it is her you shall have. I will never come between you, or make things complicated by my feelings being known. Please be happy. That's all I want. Please keep smiling. Keep that shine to your eyes, that slow and pleasant tilt your tail sways to that only true happiness inspires. I'll go through the ends of the wilderness with no food or water for you. If I can do that, I can handle this. Because I love you...I will endure...