Lord Parsons: Attack! Attack White House! Civil Rights Parsons! For the Greater Good of Humanity!
Chapter 1: Ground Control to Major Parsons!
"Welcome to the Game of Life. Thanks for playing." That is what he said when we first stepped foot into his humble new classroom. It was a year to remember…
Mr. Parsons is a quirky fellow. Takes his programming seriously… ya know? He is a fallen angel sent to exhale from Businessworld Heaven. He has long, flowing hair… he is sorta a mix between Fabio and He Man. And the best part about him… is his rants. Oh… his rants. In Mr. P's last rant, he played his favorite song called Milkin' and Ilkin' while chugging a fat mug of Grapefruit Parsons Juice, concentrate made from his brother—Grapefruit Man Rocky Mountain King, who was, in fact, a banana. A ripe banana. If you are worried that Mr. Parsons commits fratricide every time he listens to Milkin' and Ilkin', you are sadly mistaken; Grapefruit Man Rocky Mountain King actually uses some body fluid or something of his and concentrates it in a lab… I guess…
Today, in the middle of a rant that Mr. Parsons entitled FBI Parsons, a call was received on his phone…
"Mrgreatesrfoefmeameifherschsjfdnwus!" the phone proclaimed in a stout way.
" The plan is a go-go. Time to get my pogo! " Mr. Parsons sang, and a magical flying and flaming pogo stick came shooting from the stars, fueled by candy bars.
"OK, class. I need the blackest student I can in the class, so I can use them to replace Barack Obama."
There was a "shyster" in the class. His name in LaDonavan LaKeesha, we call him LaDonny for short. He honestly didn't like to have any attention, and he once fell into a fetal position when Mr. Parsons started licking him slowly behind the ear. Almost instinctively, LaDonny fell into a fetal position again at the very mention of his name by our great Parsons.
Mr. Parsons then sent his henchmen, little creatures that he calls hucklepucks to carry LaDonny to the back of the pogo stick. Poor, poor LaDonny. I honestly feel bad for him… always being pushed around by prominent weirdos… He has nowhere to go. Nowhere to turn to. Locked in an endless battle with himself for the simple fact that he doesn't have the will to voice his concerns…
Meanwhile, the cherry tree outside was growing Flabbios. Great stuff.
Uh, where was I? Oh… uh. Yeah, I felt bad for LaDonny, so I just had to help him.
Who is I? Oh, yesssshhh!
DUH DUH DUH DUHD UHD DUHD DUD!
PRESENTING! THE ONE! THE ONLY! THE BEAUTIFUL STARGOD HEARTBREAKER CHEESE LOVIN' ONE-OF-A-KIND TURBO GIGAMAX ULTIMATE EDTION LIMITED TIME OFFER POP SONG HATING SEXY OLD MAN-LIKE IDIOT GENIOUS GOOD-FOR-NOTHING SLACKER!
My name?
Moist Onion Trick. Yes. Don't question it. My parents came up with that name after fighting three giant robots at the same time.
By sheer coincidence, pulling a "Moist Onion Trick" is actually a very popular term used throughout our world. It is amazing how fickle people are. First, it was Swag, then YOLO, then MLG, and finally, Moist Onion Trick. It was coined by a pop star by the penname "Freak! Prince Dashing" after he fought three champions in League of Legends at the same time. What a cool dude.
Mr. Parsons screamed a vivid, "AIYIYEYAH!" and crashed through the ceiling with his pogo stick, taking LeDonny with him. This was the instance where I sprang into action. "Janet, you call the front office to get a substitute teacher. Marty, you go and call a ceiling repair guy. I'll go save LeDonny!"
I shuffled through my FedoraMeister V2 Backpack (I got it for the sweet handlebars and quad-tinkler engine… not because I like fedoras) and I pulled out my Mirror Thingy. I got this from a bar after a necromancer killed everyone in my neighborhood. The Mirror Thingy is probably the most magical Thingy I have. It can do so much… if I can actually figure out how to use it. I have compiled a small research list of all the abilities it currently has:
· I can see visions of whatever I want, at any time period in it.
· I can blow bubbles with the mirror to create a cool mode of transportation.
· I guess I can also time travel with the bubble? Only to the past, though…
· I can see the immediate future with the mirror. Not too far though.
· I can reflect light at a necromancer and kill it.
So, of course, an option that would work here is blowing a bubble with the mirror and flying in the sky, chasing after Mr. Parsons. Cool pants.
I blew into the circular mirror and a silvery and majestic bubble vibrantly appeared in front of the class's eyes. Seemed pretty normal to me, but the class never saw such beauty before.
Well, that's what I would say, but everyone was too busy looking at the hole in the ceiling that revealed the lone cherry tree outside that was growing Flabbios. Great stuff.
Chapter 2: Kawaii in the Sky! Mr. Parsons Can Fly!
Mr. Parsons was nearing his mega airship, the Kawaii Parsons, on his flaming pogo stick with poor LaDonny attached to the end of it. Mr. Parson's long flowing hair was gently wafting in the breeze. The Kawaii Parsons was designed by master mechanic Karnicolo. He was probably the coolest guy around. Though, people tended to make fun of him because he was so short and had a really high pitched voice. The airship has a Parson's Lounge were Mr. Parsons can soak in his hot tub while his sharp and defined abs pilot the steering wheel.
So, there LaDonny was staring at the Hot Tub Parsons. "All right, LaDonny," Hot Tub Parsons said, "Time to get your tats." Mr. Parsons splashed the boiling hot tub water on LaDonny's forehead, creating three Dolla tattoos, and a stray drop of water created a tear tattoo underneath his eye. Mr. Parsons dipped his face in the water for 9 minutes. When he emerged, Mr. Parsons had a heart tattoo on his cheek, long spiky hair, huge eyes, and a fabulous goatee. The best part about his transformation is that he still looked like a mix between Fabio and He Man.
"OK, here's the plan LaDonny. We are going to invade the White House and take out the President so that I can ascend to a higher dimension of being."
"…" LaDonny replied.
"Now here is the plan," Hot Tub Parsons said as he slowly, slowly leaned in to LaDonny's ear.
Hot Tub Parsons whispered the plan to LaDonny while Donny was petrified from the thought that Hot Tub Parsons might lick his ear again.
Chapter 3: The Plan of Parsons
Here he comes! He is coming our way!
He's our hero! And he's coming to say!
He will save us from death and destruction!
He can write almost any function!
He is!
HE IS!
LORD PARSONS!
"Hammit! What is this music!? Our dear Mr. President is trying to get some beauty sleep" one of the White House Secret Agents said.
"Yeah, he needs exactly 30 hours of sleep per day or else he can't do his duty," another Agent said.
"Um, Commander, I think that that airship is gettin' a little bit too close to the White House!"
"All right," the Commander replied, "Fire when I give the signal."
A circle of Secret Service huddled around the front lawn of the white house. They pointed their bazookas skyward towards the Kawaii Parsons.
Just then, LaDonny dropped from the sky and attempted to do his famous 360 No-Scope with a Teezler. This would have worked, but the Commander had a lag switch. So, his 360 No-Scope turned into a 346 No-Scope, and LaDonny missed an Agent.
I was watching this through my Mirror Thingy… I could just see the White House in the distance with my own eyes… But it was too late. LaDonny was bazooka'ed. He gave a pitiful look on his face as his tear tattoo gleamed in the noonday sun. He gave a faint smile, crossed his arms above his head, and did a double peace sign as his head fell gently onto the bright green fescue.
This was the physical embodiment of a Moist Onion Trick.
My bubble burst a few feet above the White House Lawn, stained in hydraulic fluids. Yep, just as I thought. All of the secret service agents were cyborgs. Typical overspending of our President.
No—I mustn't get distracted. I must tend to LaDonny.
I ran as fast as I could walk until I was beside the fading LaDonny.
"Speak, LaDonny! SPEAK!"
"…"
"LADONNY! PLEASE!"
"I…"
"OUT WITH IT, MAN!"
"I'm free."
"NO! STAY WITH ME!"
"No, my time has come. You see this tear tattoo? It is not because I killed any other person. I… have killed myself. I should have been stronger. I should have been able to speak my mind out instead of doing whatever people tell me to do."
It was in this instance that my Mirror Thingy started pulsating. A laser light shot LaDonny's tear tattoo, and it peeled off into nothingness.
"LaDonny? Did… I just heal you?"
"No… I don't feel physically better… but I feel mentally better. I feel at peace with myself. I finally learned to speak my mind, and that's all that counts."
"No, man! You need to stay with me! You can live in a better way now! Please… just give me time to figure out this hamn mirror!"
"You know… I always…wanted…to be called… LaLa…"
And there he lied. Cold and lifeless on the ground. I had to avenge him.
Within a few feet of him was his famous Teezler, a gun that can shoot short ranged electric shocks or long ranged heavy metal dubstep rap music. I swiftly grabbed it and entered the white house, following the carnage of cyborgs that Mr. Parsons left behind.
Chapter 4: Parson's Ascension
"Huh? How did you manage to get past security?" the fat hairy oath of a security guard, Stinky Dinky, spat out.
"I licked them behind the ear, of course. Everybody knows that this is how you short circuit cyborgs. And people by the name of LaDonavan LaKeesha," Mr. Parsons replied humbly.
"Well, I'm the last Agent before Mr. President himself. And I am the best. Ain't even a cyborg! Time for you to die!" Stinky Dinky scoffed.
"Hmm. It is not Time for me to die… but it is another time…"
Mr. Parsons snapped his fingers and pointed to Hinky Dinky.
"…It's Reyn Time."
Just then, a flash of radiant light engulfed the whole room.
"Ugh… Time to get up already?" Barack Obama sheepishly muttered as the intense light seeped past the cracks of his ponderous door.
BANG! The door flung off its hinges and crashed just before the foot of Obama's bed.
There was Super Saiyan Parsons, the penultimate form of all the Parsons. His spiky hair was leaking out powerful energy, and his shirt was torn off, revealing his throbbing abdominals.
"…Sugoi…" Parsons uttered.
"Now let me be clear," Obama declared, "I don't mean any harm. I know I purposely put cookies inside the bacon jar, but do you have to wake me up for this?"
"Gomen'nasai, Obama-sama…" Super Saiyan Parsons asserted.
"I NEED THE DUBBED VERSION, FOR CHEESE'S SAKE!" Obama-sama squealed.
"BAKA! Ehem. Sorry, Mr. Obama," Super Saiyan Parsons clarified as he popped a red lollipop into his defined mouth and lit it on fire, "I need to ascend to a higher dimension of being… and you know what that means…"
"No… You are a Parsons! Anything but a Parsons! NO! Please, don't do this to me! THIS IS NOT FAIR!"
Super Saiyan Parsons looked up and glared towards Barack Obama.
"Welcome to the Game of Life. Thanks for playing."