Peter: "Oooooooo…this is going to be so cool! Meg has become so desperate for a relationship that she's resorted to this!"
(Half of Quahog assembled in the Griffin living room ready to watch TV - Cleveland, of course, having driven 500 miles)
(Peter turns on TV - Meg standing beside Jerry Springer)
"This is Meg! She's got a secret and it's hidden inside this red bag! Did she lose her virginity in a confessional booth? Did she try to pursue romance with her own dog? Did she lie to an ex-boyfriend about getting pregnant? We'll open up this bag and a WHOLE lot more coming up on Baggage!"
(Baggage intro music plays)
"Hi, I'm Jerry Springer and welcome to Baggage, where eager daters dish out dirt for a chance at romance. She is a waitress from Quahog, Rhode Island; please welcome Meg!"
"Hi Jerry, it's a pleasure to meet you!"
"It's nice to see you too! Meg, tell us a bit about yourself."
"Well Jerry, I come from a family that treats me like crap for no good reason, which is why I'm looking for a man who will like me for who I am. I can cook a great meal, have a great singing voice and I'll make sure that if you choose me and accept my baggage, that your dreams will be fulfilled!"
Crowd at Griffin House: "BOOOOO!"
Peter: "Ingrate! We give you a roof over your head and put food in your stomach so you don't starve to death! I promise you, I'll write you out of the will!"
"Well Meg, we've got three awesome guys ready to meet you, here's the first one, he's a musician from Washington, D.C.; please welcome Jeremiah!"
"Hi Meg, I sing, play guitar, I'm looking for an open heart and open mind and we can go out and do some romantic things."
"Next, we have a bartender from New York City, say hello to Dominic!"
"Hi Meg! I'm a huge sports fan, I also love the night life and I need someone to come out dancing with me!"
"Finally, he's a customer service rep from Chicago; please give it up for Eric!"
"Hi Meg! I love to play video games and watch action movies! I'm looking for a down-to-earth, family orientated woman that's looking for a little action herself!"
"OK, as you saw, our guys brought on three bags and as the bags get bigger, so do the embarrassing personal issues contained inside. This way, Meg decides quickly the one she wants to date. Gentlemen, time for you to show…your smallest piece of baggage!"
"Let's start with Jeremiah!"
I rely on public transportation
"So…does this mean that I have to drive you around everywhere and you can't be motivated to get a license?"
"No, you see public transportation is cheaper and being part of a band means you can group together in a van to go to where you want to go."
"Dominic, please open your smallest baggage!"
I refuse to floss
"Ewwwww! Am I going to be picking food from your teeth when we decide to make out?"
"It's like this…I'm afraid that when I floss, I'm going to yank a tooth out. But to compromise, I brush my teeth more often, not just in morning and night, but after every meal as well!"
"Eric, please reveal your smallest baggage!"
I'm addicted to soda
"Wow! That's pretty unhealthy! Do you have any health concerns?"
"Well, I've moved on to diet drinks, plus, I don't smoke, drink or do drugs, and I have my yearly check-up, so if my doctor tells me there's something wrong, I'll let you know."
"Up next, Meg is sending one suitcase to the point of no return! Find out which one when we come back!"
(ad break)
Peter: "BWA-HA-HA-HA! If this is the least she has to put up with, I can't wait to see what's next!"
Connie: "God, why can't she go out to the nightclubs like everyone else? I mean...Springer? Really?"
(show resumes)
"Welcome back to Baggage! Now earlier, we revealed the guys' smallest bags. We have Jeremiah, who relies on public transportation. We have Dominic, who refuses to floss, and we have Eric, who's addicted to soda. All right Meg, it's time for the deal-breaker round, and that means we are looking into three bigger pieces of baggage placed here at random. Once we see what's inside these bags, Meg is going to decide which baggage is too hot for her to handle. It is time to reveal...more baggage!"
Bag #1…
I abandoned a blind date because she was ugly
Bag #2…
I cheated on a girlfriend with her mother
Bag #3…
I've snooped in my girlfriends' e-mails and diaries
Let's hear about your concerns.
Yes, I have concerns; I have had experiences with all three of these items! People in my community think I'm ugly because I don't have the looks to make it on the high school cheerleading squad. My mother seduced one of my former boyfriends, and my brother likes to peek in my diary. I think the two guys left will have some explaining to do!
OK Meg, time to make your decision; which of these pieces of baggage is your deal-breaker?
My deal-breaker is…the guy who cheated with his girlfriend's mother!
Step right up guys, and claim your baggage!
(the three guys walk around in aimless fashion before Dominic claims #1, Eric takes #2 and Jeremiah claims #3)
"WHOA! Eric! What was that all about?"
"This was a few years back and she made the first move; I would never do something like that to you, I swear!"
"My mother made the first move on my boyfriend that time; I'm not buying that for one second, you creep!"
"Well, Meg has made her decision; thanks for being on the show Eric, but its time for you to pack up and go!"
"That's OK Meg, you probably inherited your looks from your father anyway!"
(Meg flips the bird at Eric, crowd gasps in shock)
"Well, only two contestants remain! We have Dominic, who abandoned a blind date because she was ugly, and Jeremiah, who has snooped in his girlfriends' e-mails and diaries!"
(camera pans backstage to Eric)
"Meg, here's the piece of baggage you didn't get to see…When I hear women talk I hear blah blah blah…that's all right with me; you probably had nothing interesting to say anyway!"
Peter (and crowd): "YEAH! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! (tears streaming down his face) Oh my god! This is the most fun I have had in years! I can't wait until the end of the show when Meg reveals her baggage and the guy dumps her on the spot!"