Project H: Breaking Dawn Part 1
By Project H
Part 1
Bella narrating: Childhood is not from birth to a certain age
As I tell people who say I should have outgrown wetting the bed
And at a certain age, the child is grown and puts away childish things
Just as I threw away the childish idea of ever having a healthy relationship
Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies
Which is why we murdered all those kids last year. You know, to be funny
Jacob: *Reads letter, then runs out of house*
Billy: Jacob! Come back. Don't be upset that I never taught you to read. It would only bring you disappointment and...oh it's just a wedding invitation
Charlie: *Reads letter* Bella's getting married? I've completely failed her as on over-bearing father who scares off and/or kills her boyfriends
Renee: *Reads letter* Phil, remember how you bet me that my daughter wouldn't make the same mistake as I did and get married at a young age to a boy she barely knows? Well you owe me $10
-
*Cullen house*
Bella: *Struggling to walk in heels*
Alice: You just need to break them in. Your feet, I mean
Bella: Can't I just wear my uggs?
Alice: I'll make you a deal – you can either wear those heels on your feet, or embedded in the side of your head
Bella:...feet, maybe
Alice: Good girl
Emmett: *Moving tree trunk* Where do you want this?
Alice: On either side of the aisle. It's part of the "This teen wedding is more important than the native environment" theme. Does no one have a vision?
Emmett: Not really
Alice: Because I'm having a vision, Emmett. A vision of the future. And of your head impaled on a spike as a welcome to our wedding guests
Emmett: Ugh! Do we really need all these trees?
Alice: I don't know, Emmett, do you really need all those limbs?
Emmett: I guess I could-
Alice: This wedding sure will look nice when I hang your intestines up like streamers around the garden
Emmett: Fine! I'll rip up a second forest
Bella: Just remember whose wedding it is, alright?
Alice: And remember whose funeral it will be if you screw this up for me!
-
*Bella's bedroom*
Edward: I was just checking for cold feet
Bella: Mine are toasty warm, now that I've got my uggs on
Edward: It's not too late to change your mind
Bella: Now you're having second thoughts? Why? Did Alice tell you about my back-hair problem? I've almost got it under control, I swear
Edward: I've waited a century to marry you, Miss Swan. I haven't told you everything about myself
Bella: What? You're not a virgin?
Edward: Ha! Oh please. Standards aren't a new invention, Bella. Women still had them in the '20s. I have other things I have kept from you
Bella: You can't scare me away. You've almost lead to my death at least a half dozen times now. I'm hardly going to run off because you have an imaginary friend or something
Edward: A few years after Carlisle created me, I rebelled against him. I resented him for curbing my appetite, and telling me I couldn't eat sugar because it would keep me up. I started making fun of his favourite bands and refused to wear my seatbelt on long drives, but then after a while I went off on my own. I wanted to know how it felt to hunt, and to taste human blood. All the men I killed were monsters. Some of them littered, some spoke during movies, and one guy walked really slowly down the street while I was trying to run to catch a bus
Bella: Edward, you were making the world a better place. Sort of. You may have saved thousands of lives. Although probably not. Why are you telling me this tonight?
Edward: I just wondered if it would change your mind about yourself, and who you want to see when you look in the mirror a year from now. I know it's normal for a woman to let herself go after marriage, but not to turn into some sort of un-dead walking monster. At least not until she starts having children
Bella: I know I can do this – because you did. And you're pathetic. If you can do it, it can hardly be difficult. And hopefully, a year from now, I'm going to look in the mirror and see someone like you. Though without the outdated haircut and overly-feminine eyebrows, of course
Emmett: *Outside the window* Let's go! You're late for your bachelor party
Bella: So this party, will there be strippers?
Edward: Yeah, but I promise to only drink one or two. See you at the altar
Bella: I'll be the one in the white dress
Edward: Ooh, good thing you told me. We would've shown up in the same outfit *Jumps outside*
Bella: And now for my bachelorette party – sitting alone in my room and Googling 'handsome men in shorts'
-
*Bella's Dream*
Bella: *Walking down the aisle* Everything looks beautiful. All my family and friends are here. And Angela
Edward: Look Bella, the Volturi are here to give us away. And Aro brought his beautiful wife
Caius: I'm Caius! I'm one of the Volturi!
Marcus: There's a toaster over on the gift table from us. It only has Aro's name on it, but it's from all of us
Edward: *Starts bleeding*
Bella: *Starts bleeding*
Guests: *Die and bleed*
Bella: OK, you were right. This was a terrible wedding theme
-
*Cullen House, before the wedding*
Alice: *Doing Bella's make-up* Oh Bella, what did I say about beauty sleep?
Bella: That no amount of it would ever make me look even half as good as you
Alice: Correct
Rosalie: Do you need some help? I could do her hair. Or her eulogy
Bella: You want to help?
Rosalie: Please. I'm not offended by your choice of groom. Just his choice of wife. And her choice of face
Alice: Just remember, Rosalie. This is my special day, and if anyone gets murdered, it's going to be by me. And it's going to be because they say the flowers clash with the ring bearer's tie
Bella: I think this party has reached the limit of psychotic women
Renee: *Runs in* Bella!
Bella: Well, I suppose we have room for one more
Renee: Look at you! Oh honey, when I got married I looked terrible. I'm so proud you chose to keep that tradition alive
Bella:...
Charlie: *Walks in* Bella, you look beautiful. If I was 20 years younger, we weren't related, and you were still in the habit of making terrible life choices, I'd marry you myself
Renee: We thought you needed something blue, other than Edward's balls. And something old, other than his choice of haircut. *Opens box and reveals comb* It was Grandma Swan's, but we added the sapphires and removed the angry words she scrawled about immigrants
Bella: I love it
Alice: Who wants to see the dress? I took a peak into the future to see Bella trying it on, and trust me, it never looks more beautiful than it does on the hanger right now
-
*The Wedding*
Jessica: So you think Bella's gonna be showing?
Angela: Jess, she is not pregnant
Jessica: No, I mean showing any reason why a guy like Edward would ever want to date her
Angela: Oh. Then no
Charlie: You ready?
Bella: Yeah. Just don't let me fall, Dad
Charlie: Never. No point. No one's filming it so we wouldn't be able to send it to Funniest Home Videos
Bella and Charlie: *Walk up the aisle*
Minister: Ladies, gentlemen and hot Scandinavian cousins, we are gathered here on this glorious day to witness the union of Edward Anthony Cullen and...this one?
Edward: Yes
Minister: What is she rich or something?
Edward: Not even slightly
Minister: Well alright then. We gather to witness the union of Edward Anthony Cullen and Bella David Swan. Repeat after me - I, Edward Cullen...
Bella: I, Edward Cullen...
Minister: Not you!
Edward: I, Edward Cullen, take you Bella Swan, to have and to hold...
Bella: For better or worse...
Edward: For worse and worser
Bella: For when you abandon me for months at a time
Edward: Through vampirism and werewolf attacks
Bella: In sickness and in your brother trying to devour me
Edward: To love
Bella: To tolerate
Edward: Because I used magic vampire powers of attraction
Bella: And you thought I smelled nice
Both: As long as we both shall live
Edward: I do
Bella: I do
Minister: I'm...not sure what any of that was
-
*The Reception*
Jessica: Cake looks fake
Alice: Hi guys
Jessica: SORRY! Please no! Mike said it!
Alice: What do you think of the wedding?
Angela: It's perfect. Better than perfect. And so are you, Alice
Mike: Yes, you're perfect. Just please don't do to us what you did to Eric
Alice: Well if Eric liked his innards were they were, he wouldn't have said the punch was a little flat
*Elsewhere*
Seth: Hey, man. Nice to see you. I'm happy for you
Edward: Yes...you. Thanks for that...mister
Seth: Seth. Remember, I protected Bella and helped you fight Victoria
Edward: Oh yeah, of course. Good to see you, Simon
Billy: I hope you'll be happy, Bella
Bella: Thank you, Billy. Have you heard from him?
Billy: God?
Bella: Jacob
Billy: I'm sure Jake wishes you the best
Bella: Yeah...
Billy: Not Edward though. I'm pretty sure Jacob wants him to burn in hell
Edward: The feeling is mutual
Eleazar and Carmen: Congratulations Bella!
Bella: Thanks. Eleazar and Carman, right? Edward's hot cousins
Edward: Yes, and this is Tanya and Kate, our hot cousins from Alaska. I invited as many hot relatives as possible, Bella, so you wouldn't feel pressured to look like the most beautiful woman on your wedding day
Bella: Yeah, the photographer wouldn't even let me be in any of the wedding photos
Tanya: Bella, we've heard so much about you
Bella: Anything good?
Tanya: No. It was Rosalie who told us
Carmen: Irina, come meet Bella. *To Edward* We're always surrounded by gorgeous people, so it'll be a treat for Irina to see someone who looks like Bella
Irina: *Looking at Seth* They invited one
Edward: Oh yeah, you hate Seth too? Don't get me started
Irina: They killed Laurent
Edward: He tried to kill Bella
Irina: And? I've only known her for a minute and have considered ripping her head off three times
Tanya: Ditto
Kate: Same here
Carmen: Four times
Irina: He wanted to be like us, to live in peace with humans. And only occasionally murder them in cold blood. But otherwise perfect peace. Was that too much to ask? *Walks off*
Eleazar: Well, looking at Bella this long is starting to hurt my eyes. Congratulations again, Bella. And Edward, better luck with the next wife *Follows Irina*
-
*The Toast*
Emmett: I'd like to propose a toast, to my new sister. Who will now be having sex with my brother. Not weird to us
Jessica: Well, Bella was just like everybody else, except without the personality, sense of humour or genuine likability. And then Edward started dating her, and I started dying inside. Now I'm not saying Edward should cheat on Bella, but if he wanted to, he knows where to find me – in the bushes outside his bedroom window
Charlie: Edward will be a great husband. I know this because I insisted he act as my husband for the month leading up to this wedding. He's kind, sensitive, great with kids, and the most generous lover I've ever had
Jessica: And I'm captain of the volleyball team. So Ed, if you want to see how I handle a ball...wink...
Alice: Now that you're my sister, I can give you some sisterly advice. I've looked into your future, and whatever you do, don't try that weird elbow thing on your honeymoon. He hates it. He pretends he's into it, but believe me, he's creeped out. Also, if I were you, I wouldn't ask for seconds of the wedding cake
Jessica: And I'm the student body president, but maybe Edward would like to be the president of this student body *Points to self*
Renee: Go to sleep, my love
When you wake you'll see me...
Let's have some fun, this beat is sick
I wanna take a ride on your disco sick
Esme: I'd like to thank Renee and Charlie for bringing such a wonderful person into the world and into our lives. Not quite the same level as Alice and Rosalie, but now that I've met you both, I know you did the best with the gene pools you had to work with
Jessica: Notice that this dress is orange, Ed? Why not imagine it's a Twix wrapper? Peel it off and sink your teeth in-
Mike: *Drags Jessica off the stage* For the record, I'd like to repeat everything she said, but direct it at Bella
Edward: It's an extraordinary thing to meet someone who you can bare your soul to and who will accept you for what you are. But Bella found that someone. She's been waiting for a very long time, to get beyond what she is. So I'd like to propose a toast to her beautiful husband. No measure of time will ever be enough with me, but let's start with forever. And now, I'm sure Bella would like to say something about me
Bella: I'm fine, thanks
TO BE CONTINUED...