Who's in the mood for a Christmas fic? I am, which is why I'm writing this.
I was actually inspired to write this after reading another fanfic with a similar premise, and it was just adorable.
The 12 days of Christmas
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me….
When the weekend came, one of the first things on TJ's schedule was to sleep in way past the time he usually woke up during the week. That time was usually 8 am, but it wasn't going to be the time today. This is important, because his friends were coming over his house, and he still wanted to maintain this very important schedule. He had given his friends a key to his house soon after buying it (because they're his friends after all) to maintain this. His friends understood, especially the ones who had kids of their own now. Unlike his friends, he was content being single, or was at the moment, and wasn't in a rush to tie the knot with anyone in particular, those he'd seen is fair share of relationships come and go. But that was getting off track…
He had given his friends keys so they could let themselves in and do whatever and leave him alone until he awoke from the dead and joined them. This is why he didn't understand why his friends were trying to wake him up.
"TJ, get up." That one was Spinelli, he noted. He covered his head with the blankets.
"Dude, you need to come see this." Vince. Dammit, all these voices weren't going to help him get back to sleep.
"Unca TJ! Unca TJ! When'ja get a twree in your backyard?" That was Gus's and Theresa's little girl, Jenny, or what TJ referred to as 'practice before having kids himself'. The kid had long ago claimed him as her favorite 'uncle' and was her choice as babysitter. TJ forced himself to sit up in his bed and was met with all his friends standing in his bedroom.
"What? What's so important that I have to get up?" He asked. "What's she talking about? I don't have a tree in my backyard."
"It sure as hell isn't a bush," Spinelli said.
A partridge in a pear tree.
TJ was 99.98% sure that he didn't have a tree in his backyard the previous night. The .02 discrepancy was due to Gretchen trying to explain quantum physics to them a couple years back. The only thing he got from that was that nothing is 100% impossible, just overwhelmingly improbable. Like a fucking tree popping up in your backyard overnight.
But there is was; a fully grown pear tree with a partridge pecking the ground around it. He opened his mouth to say some sort of response, but closed it when he couldn't think of anything. His house wasn't particularly big, but the backyard was huge. Plenty of space and fertile ground for fast growing trees, apparently.
"I thought birds fly south for the winter," said Mikey.
"Not partridges, although they are extremely rare in this part of the country," Gretchen said.
"I'm not gonna get mad about this," TJ said. He walked back into his house, and came back out with a plastic bag. He walked up to the tree, and picked a few pieces of fruit before walking over to his friends again. "Free fruit. It'll make grocery shopping a little less expensive. Take some home for yourselves."
"Is that how you're going to react to this?" Gus asked him.
"That is exactly how I'm going to react to this."
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me….
On Sunday, TJ was used to getting up at a more responsible hour compared to the previous day to get some studying done. He was in law school after all, and that requires a lot of studying, those he had to admit, at came easy to him. But he didn't want to take any chances, and got up every Sunday morning at 10 am to study. However, being on break at the moment gave him a little breathing room, so he planned to sleep. At least that was the plan, until he heard cooing of some sort of bird that had to be in his room. Opening his eyes and throwing back the covers, he looked around his room for the source of the sound and how they got inside his house. He couldn't find them, until the perpetrators landed softly on his shoulders.
"The windows aren't even open," he said to himself. Walking downstairs, he went to the back door to let them out, but the second surprise of the day greeted him.
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.
The first tree, he was willing to ignore and just let it exist, but a second one? TJ turned around in shock and walked back into his house. The two birds happily sat on his shoulders and cooed some more. One of them had the bravery to place itself on the top of his head and settle there.
The doorbell rang, and he decided to let his friends inside. The reason they were visiting more often than usual was due to it being December, and the holidays were descending upon them.
"What's with the birds?" Spinelli asked.
"…I don't…I don't know," TJ managed to say. "They were just there when I woke up. What kind of birds are these?"
"Turtle doves," Gretchen said. Spinelli picked up the bird that was on his head and let it go. It flew outside and made itself comfortable in the second tree that popped up overnight. The second bird soon followed suit. The two partridges didn't seem to notice.
"This is still not the strangest thing to happen to me," TJ said. "Remember the summer to fifth grade?"
"Yeah. That was crazy," Vince said. "Can I have some of those pears though? Ashley's been craving them since we found out she's pregnant."
"Dude, have all the pears. Take a TREE if you want."
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…
To be honest, waking up to the soft cooing of birds wasn't half bad in TJ's opinion. It sure was better than that blaring alarm clock he could never get used to. He almost regretted not letting them stay in the house, but he didn't, because he didn't want to hear cooing all night, and that he didn't want to deal with bird poop.
Into the kitchen, he reached into the fridge and drunk orange juice straight out of the carton. It wasn't like anyone else was currently living with him. After sitting down for a moment, he heard clucking coming from outside. With the last two days being stranger than normal, he decided to investigate before everyone came over.
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.
"I'm curious as to how these trees and birds keep showing up in your yard," Said Gretchen.
"Me too. I mean, you would have to dig, and then you would need a machine to put a tree this big in," Spinelli said. The group observed the small flock of birds interact with each other. Jenny was running around, chasing a few birds, and a few turtle doves were chasing her.
"Hey, Vince, do you still cook and everything?" TJ asked.
"Yeah, why?"
"Grab one of those hens. We can eat it for dinner."
"…Are you serious?"
"Sure. In fact, lets grab two of them," said TJ. "We've got to count for Mikey and Kurst."
"Okay. But I need to go to the store first to get some stuff," Vince reached into his pocket, took out his wallet, and gave him $100.
"Here. Buy other stuff to eat with it. It'll be an early Christmas dinner." Vince took the money and headed to the front door. "You know what I should do? I should stay up and try to see who's doing all this."
"Do it," Spinelli told him. "Tell us if you spot anything."
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…
TJ fell asleep sometime around 3 am with no sight of anyone coming into his backyard. However, he was woken up 8 am by crowing. With a mug of hot coffee, he walked outside to see what was on the agenda for today.
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.
"I'm pretty sure that these birds migrate," he said to no one in particular. A dove was sitting in his lap. He didn't mind them. They were relatively quiet, and the coos were a bit relaxing. Everything else could fucking go.
"They do," Gretchen confirmed. "How they're here is a mystery."
"It's kind of warm this winter," Gus said. He and Mikey took a bite of a plate of food leftover from last night's dinner. "Maybe that makes it easier."
"Maybe."
On the fifth day a Christmas, my true love gave to me…
TJ was happy to finally wake up without a new species of bird in his household. His friends, and his new pet dove he named Abby, sat around the kitchen table, looking at the newest surprise. He tossed one of them back and forth between his hands.
"This is actual gold," Spinelli said. "Not some cheap metal painted gold or a gold finish, but real gold all the way through."
Five gold rings.
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.
"My name is engraved in them," TJ said. "My full name, Theodore Jasper Detweiler. In a swirly font…"
"TJ, do have any idea how much these rings have to cost?" Gretchen asked. "Pure gold rings?"
"More than my mortgage," he guessed. "Just a guess."
"….Well, yes, I suppose….."
"Teej, my uncle is an appraiser for jewelry. I spent months with him learning the basics," Spinelli said. "This feels like 24 karat gold. Each of these rings must cost $1,500 at a minimum. Whoever's giving you all this must have some major cash." The thought of exchanging the rings for money passed through TJ's head. He might be able to pay off a good chunk of the mortgage, and maybe get a new car. He wasn't one of jewelry, anyways.
"So I was right."
"Do you know anyone with that kind of money?" Vince asked.
"I might. I'm not sure," he said. "It didn't come with a receipt or anything. There wasn't even a return address. But I do have one person in mind…"
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…
"I was actually out of eggs, so this isn't that bad," TJ said. He walked around his backyard gathering up eggs he found on the ground.
"You're just saying that, aren't you?" Vince asked as he followed his friend around.
"Yep." The two of them paused to watch Gus carrying Jenny while being chased by the horde of birds that had accumulated.
Six geese a-laying,
Five gold rings.
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.
"Gretchen, can you do me a favor and take some of these eggs next door to Mrs. Anderson?" TJ asked. "She's really nice, but kinda old and can't carry heavy things, so I usually go for her, and she's always low on eggs."
"Sure. She's the one that always bakes those cookies, right?" Gretchen asked.
"Yeah! She might even give you a basket."
"So, who's this person you think is doing all of this?" Spinelli asked. In front of her was now 10 gold rings, each with her friends name engraved in different unique fonts.
"I do, but I don't want to tell you unless I know for sure," he said. "What do you guys want in your omelets? I'm making breakfast for lunch!"
"Oh! Oh! I wan ham and cheese, Unca TJ!" Jenny shouted.
"Ham and cheese it is, then!"
"I feel like he's slowly slipping into madness from this," Gus whispered. Mikey, Vince, and Spinelli nodded in agreement.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…
"Okay, this is ridiculous! HOW DID THEY BUILD A POND IN MY YARD WITHOUT ME NOTICING?"
Seven swans-a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five gold rings.
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.
"Whoever what hired to do all this must be a magician," Gus said. "I had to have my septic tank looked at, and the noise while they dug lasted for hours. This is a pond. With water." TJ stood next to him, his left eye twitching. Jenny was walking around with a bag of bread and breaking off pieces for the birds. A turtle dove landed on TJ's head, cooed, and ruffled his hair.
"I must be one hell of a deep sleeper…" said TJ.
"That's one explanation," Gretchen said. "Any clue to who's doing this?"
"Yeah, yeah. I called before you guys came over," TJ said. "No one picked up. I'll try again later. You know, I got up early this time to see if I could spot whos doing this, since staying up didn't work. I woke up at 6 am. This," he waved at the pond in front of them. "Was already here."
"Whoever is doing this must know you really well if they know you would do that," Mikey said.
"Too well."
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…
"At least it's not birds this time," Spinelli offered as comfort. She patted TJ on the back as he was handed a pail of milk. It didn't make him feel better at all.
Eight maids-a-milking,
Seven swans-a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five gold rings.
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.
"I'm going to go pour this out," TJ said, lifting up the bucket. "I'm low on milk, but I want it cleaned or whatever they do to it before putting it on the shelves." He turned away and headed inside. "My backyard is turning into a farm…"
"I'm impressed, though," Gretchen commented.
"Me too," said Mikey. "Whoever is doing this looks dedicated with going through with the whole song." The sound of a bucket hitting the ground made them turn around.
"There's a song?" TJ asked. "What song?" The others looked at each other before answering.
"You really don't know, do you?" asked Spinelli. He shook his head. "Oh, you poor unfortunate thing."
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…
On one hand, TJ was appreciative that no new species of bird were showing up, but at the same time, more people weren't exactly welcome.
"At least they're not strippers," said Vince said.
"That would've made things just a little bit better," TJ told him.
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids-a-milking,
Seven swans-a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five gold rings.
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.
"They're starting to move into the streets, now," He said. He watched as one of nine ballet dancers danced past his front porch. "It's a good thing almost no one drives down this street."
"How long have they been out here?" Gus asked.
"At least since I woke up around 9," TJ said. "Hey, ladies! It's kinda cold out here! You don't have to keep dancing, you know!"
"We don't mind, Mr. Detweiler," one of them said. "We've danced in far worse than this!"
"Okay. But can you drink some hot chocolate, please? I'll feel bad if I don't feed you or give any of you something to drink."
"Hot chocolate would be nice, sir."
Walking inside, TJ led the newest birds outside before heading to the stove.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…
"No, NO! SHUT UP! You listen to me!" TJ shouted into the phone from inside the house. Everyone was outside, giving him a bit of privacy. "This is getting out of hand! You tell these people to stop and get these animals out of my house!"
"It was out of hand back at the first pear tree," Vince commented.
"Should we put on some music for them?" Mikey asked.
"I don't think TJ would like that, big guy," said Spinelli. "He's kind of losing it."
Ten lords-a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids-a-milking,
Seven swans-a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five gold rings.
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.
"At least the ladies aren't lonely anymore," said Gus. Some of those ladies were dancing with the leaping lords, or whatever the song called them. Jenny was also dancing with one of ladies, with a new interest in the art of ballet.
"You're not helping, Gus," TJ said. "I would've thought that the birds would've flown away by now. That's the logical thing, right?"
"Of course, but are you really going to think about being logical with all of this going on?" Gretchen asked.
"It's all I have at the moment."
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…
TJ no longer bothered setting his alarm clock. His new guests he received everyday gladly woke him up without fail, and today was no exception. Today was also the day he decided he hated wind pipes.
Eleven pipers piping,
Ten lords-a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids-a-milking,
Seven swans-a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five gold rings.
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.
"I'm surprised I haven't got any complaints from the neighbors," TJ said as he watched the maids feed the growing horde of birds. Out in the front, the dancers and leaders were enjoying the music the pipers were providing. In his hand, he held the newest five gold rings. These five stood out. They had gems embedded in them, one with tanzanite for his birth month, one with red topaz for his zodiac sign, one with amethyst for his birth day, and plain diamonds for the other two. With red being his favorite color, he choose the red topaz embedded ring to wear.
"Don't worry, Mr. Detweiler. It'll all be over soon," a maid assured him.
"So how's law school coming along, Teej?" Spinelli asked as an attempt to distract her friend. He looked at her as if she was crazy.
"It's fine. I only have a year left," TJ said. "What about you, Spin? How's everything at your quiet and animal-free home?"
"Everything's good. But guess what?"
"What?"
"You can't tell the others about this."
"Okay. What is it?"
"I found out last night that I'm having a baby!"
"That's great, Spinelli. Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?"
"No, I'm not far along enough yet, but I'm hoping for girl."
"That's nice. Hey, you know what you should do? Pick some free pears, take a basket a free eggs with free milk and free hens from my farm!"
"…Nice to know you still have a sense of humor, Teej."
On the Twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…
With a glass of whiskey in one hand, TJ sat on his porch, watching the jam session the musicians in front of his house were having. This was favorable to being around the poultry in the back. After tossing back the last bit in his glass, he poured himself some more.
"Drinking isn't going to get rid of your problems, TJ," Vince reminded him.
"It'll help," TJ told him. "For the time being anyway. I'm gonna go ask those drummers to play something more modern, or at least from this century."
Twelve drummers drumming,
Eleven pipers piping,
Ten lords-a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids-a-milking,
Seven swans-a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five gold rings.
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.
While TJ went inside to think about the sudden chaos that was his life, he left his friends outside. He sent the few stray birds that somehow found their way into the house back outside. Meanwhile, his friends were watching a fancy, shiny black car pull up next to his house. At first, they didn't recognize the person stepping out, but when they stepped onto the porch, it clicked.
"King Bob?"
"It's Robert, actually," The former monarch corrected. "How's it going?"
"What's it look like?" Spinelli asked.
"It looks like money well spent," He said.
"Wait, did you do all this?"
"Yep," Robert said. "Where's TJ?"
"He's inside, questioning his life," Vince said. "His words, not mine." Robert thanked them and went inside, but the others followed him He found TJ standing in his kitchen, looking at his backyard. Robert walked up and stood next to him.
"Don't talk to me," TJ said without turning to him.
"I didn't say anything."
"Don't talk to me," He repeated. "Don't talk to me, don't touch me, don't even breathe the same air as me."
"That's a little dramatic, don't you think?"
"You have some nerve to call me dramatic! Look at all this!" He waved towards his yards. "You're insane!"
"It's all in good fun," Robert said. "Lighten up, and remember the lyrics. My true love gave to me."
"Last time I checked, we were taking a break from each other."
"You two were dating?" Gus asked. The two of them nodded.
"How rich are you to buy $1,500 gold rings?" Spinelli asked.
"I wouldn't say rich, but very well off. But I see you're wearing one of them," he said to TJ.
"Yeah, I like the red," said TJ. "Why? Why do all this?"
"I'm really ready for this 'break' to end," Robert said. He put an arm around TJ's shoulder. "I miss you. Don't you miss me?"
"After all this? Not very much."
"Oh, c'mon."
"Fine! I miss you, too. But law school is a great distraction. Are we getting back together, now?"
"That was point of all this," said Robert before kissing TJ on the cheek. "But you know, that ring on your finger is an engagement ring. All of them are, but I knew you would wear that one."
"An engagement ring? Are you asking me to marry you?"
"That's what engagement rings are for."
"All of this just for that? You really are crazy…"
"C'mon, let's get married! We'll be one hell of a power couple!" TJ thought about this for a moment. Marriage wasn't exactly on his things to do list, but if he had to pick someone to marry in the next couple of years, Robert would be the first people he would think of. They had been dating since TJ was 20 and Robert was 22, and the only reason they were taking a 'break' from each other was due to TJ's grade going down significantly after he moved in. Since then he brought his grade back up.
After all of this, TJ, despite his frustration and anger that had accumulated over the last twelve days, had to admit, this was a creative plan. Very reminiscent of his childhood.
"Alright, I'll do it," he said. "I'll marry you." Robert smiled and tightly hugged his now fiancé. TJ could help but laugh at that. "Hey guys, look! I'm getting married!"
His friends congratulated the pair and wished them the best of luck.
~*~12~*~
The next day, there were no trees or partridges, no turtle doves, except for the one that TJ named Abby and kept as a pet, no French hens, except the leftover in the fridge, no calling birds, no geese, swans, maids, ladies, pipers, lords, or drummers. He kept all of the rings, however. Gold was always worth something, and he could sell them for quick cash if there was ever an emergency.
It was quiet. And for once in his life, he liked that.
"Morning," He heard as Robert rolled over in their bed. "Sleep well?"
"You have no idea."
Happy Holidays, everyone!
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