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A Mattress Harder Than Rocks
i think the hardest part of losing someone,
isn't having to say goodbye, but rather,
learning to live without them;
always trying to fill the void,
the emptiness that's left inside your heart when they go
— s.d. —
It's three a.m. when Lucy turns over in her bed, her eyes sending daggers at the illuminating digital clock. The light glows red, and already, the blonde feels a migraine coming on.
She hasn't slept a full eight hours in weeks, and maybe (just maybe) it has something to do with the clock ticking away every hour, every minute of her remaining time in Magnolia. Perhaps the emptiness of her apartment on Strawberry Street makes her feel like she's trespassing, given the fact that majority of her stuff has already been packed and shipped to Crocus. And really, her makeshift mattress is harder than rocks; thus, it's impossible to sleep without tossing and turning. It's far colder too.
Lucy shoves her face deeper into her pillow, resisting the urge to cry.
Since accepting her once-in-a-lifetime job opportunity in Crocus as a journalist, her boyfriend had been nothing if not supportive.
The day she received her next job assignment, Natsu had hoisted her into his arms and spun her around their apartment, smiling wider than she'd ever seen him. He had cheered that's my Luce and peppered her in kisses, from her mouth to somewhere more daring. They'd fallen on the bed in a tangled mess of limbs, Natsu coaxing her to relax, his body fitting against hers like a jigsaw puzzle. But she just couldn't. And upon seeing his eyebrow raised in question, she broke down, her tears betraying her composure.
"Natsu… if I accept this job… I have to move to Crocus…"
The boy shrugged his shoulders as if to say so what?
"Natsu… that means I'll have to leave you."
His lips had parted with a soft oh but the smile never left his face.
"But Luce, you've wanted this for so long… I'm not going to hold you back from your dream."
He'd then given her his award-winning, thousand watt smile.
"And besides, I can come with you. I will come with you."
Natsu had said it without a doubt, without a moment of hesitation.
But the second the notion had left his lips, Lucy felt something foreign bubble inside of her, something unsettling. She didn't know what, or why, but for some odd reason, as she pulled Natsu into a grateful embrace, she felt like they were miles apart. On different spectrums. On different pages. On different continents, a wide ocean separating them.
The memory alone is enough to seize Lucy's heart, a knife twisting into the tightly-corded muscle. Kicking the blankets off, she stands from her bed and clumsily wanders into the kitchen. Against her better judgment, her hands find the fridge and search through what little food remains in the icebox. She quickly settles on a leftover pint of vanilla ice-cream and discards the lid, knowing she'll finish it before the night is over.
Right now, food is her only comfort. She intends to eat her feelings right then and there. And over a bowl of freezer-burnt ice-cream, settled back on her tangled sheets, Lucy starts to cry. She grips the blankets with her fists and lets herself scream, lets herself sob until snot is caked around her mouth, eyes swollen and most likely red. She hasn't cried this hard since her mother passed away. She hasn't cried this long since her father abandoned her too.
Natsu's words—I will come with you—ring in her ears and the waterworks start again.
By the time her ice-cream is finished, Lucy has collapsed onto the cold sheets, arms spread-eagle, throat scratchy, hair disheveled. She wishes Natsu is with her, keeping her company, warming her up but she shoves the thought away. It's not fair on either of them to wish for things that aren't possible. Not after their fallout. Not after the breakup that she initiated.
She clutches her pillow close to her chest and rolls over, eyes meeting the clock once more. Five a.m. The digits are fuzzy but she continues to gaze at them, wondering how two hours have passed since waking up. She wonders how it's possible for her to leave Magnolia in no less than four hours. To leave Fairy Tail. To leave Levy, Gajeel, Erza, Gray, Happy. To leave Natsu. To leave everyone (her family for the past seven years) behind.
She comes to a swift conclusion: it's not possible.
Hence, why she told Natsu it was better to end things.
The memory hurts but she lets it in. She needs to remember that it's for the best. That being separated, that being apart, is for the better.
She'd been tucking away her books in cardboard boxes when Natsu barged in through her window. Naturally, she scolded him but really didn't mind; it'd be abnormal if he knocked on the door after all this time.
"What took you so long? I thought you were coming by for lunch."
Natsu glanced away whilst rubbing the back of his neck. She decided that the look didn't suit him—he looked guilty.
"I wanted to hang out at the guild for a little while longer… you know, since I won't be seeing them often when we leave."
She nods as he grabs some loose books from her shelf, taking extra care not to bend the front covers or accidentally fold the pages before placing them inside the box. Lucy manages a small smile but can't muster more than that. Because upon watching him pack away her things—their things
(including but not limited to: the gold-plated telescope Lucy used to stargaze; the hammock that Happy slept in whenever he came to visit the couple; the wide collection of books hugging the wall that Lucy sometimes read to Natsu whilst carding her hands through his salmon locks; the pots and pans that Natsu had bought on their anniversary last year in order to cook spicy, dragon risotto; the photographs of both Jude and Layla Heartfilia, and of course, Igneel)
—the blonde felt that same unknown, vexing emotion tug at her heartstrings. Natsu was packing their things, not his. Not his past life. He was leaving it all behind, for her. For a stupid job that would take him away from his family, from the people who took him in, raised him, protected him, loved him.
She should have been enamored by his sacrifice. She should have kissed him and thanked him for being amazing and the best boyfriend anyone could ever ask for. But she couldn't. There was no way she could.
Because simply put, it wasn't fair.
"Natsu… why would you leave them?"
Onyx eyes swiveled to meet brown, confusion riddling his face.
"Why would you leave Fairy Tail for me?"
He raked a shaky hand through his hair and released a nervous chuckle, "because I love you, Luce."
But it hadn't been enough. Not for Lucy. Not for the girl who lost her parents, who no longer had a family. Yes, Fairy Tail was her family, but deep down, it wasn't the same. Because the moment Lucy woke up to her father flipping pancakes on the griddle, her mother reading a novel whilst being bathed in the early morning light, she knew that was home. And the moment she lost them both, she knew nothing would ever be the same again. She knew nothing, absolutely nothing could ever replace them. This boy had lost his parents too, no doubt. Hell, he'd lost more than Lucy ever would. But he had a family now. A family who relied on him, who needed him to stay intact. They had been his saving grace, and he had been their light.
Lucy couldn't live with herself if she took that away from either of them.
So she had knocked his hands away, somehow disgusted that he was touching her books, her kitchenware, her telescope, her things, and told him to get out. She yelled and screamed and cried but to no avail, he tried in vain to ease her suffering by wrapping his arms around her. But no, she wouldn't have it and pushed him away. She told him to leave, to go home because her home wasn't his anymore, to walk away because she didn't want him to chase after her to Crocus. She told him to go without looking back.
He had told Lucy she was acting like a crazy woman, that she was being ridiculous, that she needed to stop and get some fresh air. He desperately grabbed her flailing wrists and held them still, said he loved her over and over again, whispered that he couldn't lose her no matter what. He said going to Crocus was worth leaving Fairy Tail if it meant he could be with her.
But all she thought of in those few moments were her mother and father, how'd she taken them for granted only to lose them within the blink of an eye. At that thought alone, she'd said something she regrets to this very day.
"I'm not your family, Natsu… you aren't welcome here."
And he left, a shadow cast over his face. He didn't slam the door but the quiet click of the doorknob echoed in the apartment for hours.
Lucy grits her teeth and forces the memory away. It hurts to remember and now, all she can do is stare at the door, hoping, praying that Natsu will come home. She misses him, she wants him to come to Crocus, she wants to be a family again.
She knows, however, that at nine o'clock, the train will pull out of the station and she'll have her hands folded in her lap, wondering where they're supposed to fit, where they're supposed to lay. She knows that he won't come back. She knows that she's moving, just not moving on.
A/N—Kinda had no wifi while waiting for my flight at three in the morning... figured I could write something for my OTP. I hope you guys enjoy it.