It was a sunny day at Balamb Garden. The kind of sunny day that all the fan-fics like this one start out on. In fact, maybe it was sunnier. Zell Dincht sat in the cafeteria, stacking soda cans when he suddenly remembered where he was currently supposed to be.
"Damn, man! I was supposed to meet Squall at his dorm 10 minutes ago! No time, now." He yelled, knocking the cans to the floor.
Squall waited impatiently in his room, pacing back and forth. "Where the hell is that guy?"
"Yo, Squall!!!" Zell yelled, tripping through the door.
Squall sighed, slightly aggravated.
"Hey-a, Squall! Ya wanted to see me?"
"Yeah...." Squall said slowly.
Zell nodded his head with involuntary excitement.
"Settle down Zell, there's something very important I need to tell you."
Zell continued to hop excitedly.
"Zell, sit down."
Zell sat on the nearest chair as Squall took his seat near Zell on the bed.
With a long sigh, Squall began his story.
***LATER***
"....I mean, I love Rinoa. I really do. It's just, she's more like a sister to me. I'm sorry I waited so long to tell you guys. I just thought you'd feel weird around me if you knew I was gay."
Zell sat straight in his chair, gripping the bottom of the seat with both hands nervously.
"But I really think Rinoa opened me up to everyone, you know? I really feel like I can be honest with you guys now."
Zell didn't speak.
"I can, can't I, Zell?" Squall said, putting a hand on Zell's knee.
Zell jumped up, frightened, nearly knocking the stool over, "Uh...sure, man. Sure."
He looked around the room for some type of distraction. Finding none, he gave up, turning back to the previous conversation about Squall's love life, "So.... who the lucky, erm, guy?"
Squall chuckled, "I couldn't tell you that..."
"Go ahead." Zell said, now actually wondering who it was.
"Well....I used to have a thing for Nida, but I kind of have my eyes on someone else, now." he said, looking at Zell.
"Who?" Zell asked, crossing his ankles.
"Well.... he's a member of SeeD, not too tall.............really pretty blue eyes...........He lives in Balamb."
"Hey, anyone I know? Sounds kinda.......wait. Squall? You don't mean.....?"
Squall smiled hopefully at him.
"I, uh.....gotta get back down to the cafeteria, yeah! I'm real hungry, you know, and they're probably runnin' low on wieners. Damn! I mean hot dogs!!! They're probably runnin' low on hot dogs!"
Squall shook his head in pity for Zell.
"Don't leave, Zell. We can *talk* about this...."
But it was too late. Zell was out the door before Squall could even say "don't".
---------
"Class dismissed." Quistis declared.
Zell pushed himself past a flood of students as he tried to enter the classroom.
"Quistis!" He shouted amidst the students.
"Zell?"
"Quistis..." he breathed after all the students had exited, "did you know Squall is gay?"
Quistis laughed. "Squall told you WHAT?!"
"He told me that he was gay and that...."
"Don't listen to him." She said, trying to calm herself, "He's not gay. He loves women."
"Then why the hell did he tell me he was gay?"
"Well, Squall likes women. But he's not too fond of, well.....he doesn't find women 'satisfying', if you catch my drift."
Zell shook his head slowly, "I'm...not catching it." He shrugged.
"He finds men *sexually pleeeaseing*." She stated, emphasizing the necessary words.
"Say wha-?" Zell jumped back.
Quistis smiled and nodded.
"Damn, man! I gotta go!" He said, running out the door.
Quistis smiled to herself, straightening papers against her desk.
---------
Selphie sat in the dormitory hall by the door to Irvine's room whistling to herself.
"SELPHIE!!" Zell yelled from down the hall.
The perky brunette jumped to her feet and waved at him as she hopped from foot to foot.
"Hey Selphie, did Squall ever mention to you that he was gay?" Zell asked eagerly, hoping she'd say no.
"What?! Squall's gay?" Selphie leaned in and her face grew serious.
Zell breathed a sigh of relief. At least Selphie was as shocked as he was. At that moment, Irvine waltzed out of his room.
"Did you know Squall was gay, Irvy?" Selphie questioned, tilting her head to the side.
"Well, I....um.....I guess so. It's kind of hard not to when.......well......." Irvine scratched the back of his neck as he looked back and forth at his boots.
"AAAARG!!!!!!" Zell screamed, running into his nearby room.
"I swear it was nothing, Sefie! Honest!"
"I'll have to take you in for questioning" she said.
"OH, ZELL!!" Selphie yelled after him, "SQUALL STOPPED BY YOUR ROOM EARLIER!!! SAID HE NEEDED TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING!!"
But, again, Zell was gone before he could hear a word.
---------
Zell breathed another sigh of relief as he slammed his door behind him.
'What in the hell is going on?' he thought to himself.
Looking up, he saw a box sitting on his bed, carefully wrapped in brown paper.
"Aww, Ma. I told you before that I could buy my own underwear." he said, ripping open the package.
"Wait a minute. Why would Ma..." he ripped through the box contense , discovering a pair of hand-cuffs and a can of whip-cream.
His thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. Zell tried to quickly hide what he'd pulled out of the box, but the door had been opened too quickly.
"Whats say we use that whip-cream while it's still fresh, Zell." Squall said, shutting the door.
"I....I....."
"What's the matter? I don't bite." Squall smiled, "Only if you'd like me to."
"Hey, wait! Dude! I don't go for this kinda stuff, you know?" Zell stood and scrambled backwards.
Squall pulled himself inches from Zell, his hands riding lower than they should've on his waist, "I can ask Quistis if we can borrow her whip, I'm sure she won't mind."
Zell was paralyzed, too frightened to even push Squall away.
"Zell?" Rinoa opened the door without knocking, "I just came by to- OH MY GOD!!"
Squall quickly turned to Rinoa, trying to convince her that she hadn't seen anything go on between himself and Zell. But to no avail. Rinoa ran from the room with Squall chasing after her. Zell was still in the corner of the room, but was now sitting on the floor, hugging his knees. His eyes were wide as he rocked himself slowly back and forth, quietly singing "It's a Small World After All".
---------
Squall frowned regretfully as Seifer wailed with laughter as he piled gil after gil into Squall's hand.
"No amount of money was worth going through that." Squall mumbled to himself.
Rinoa and Quistis laughed. "But definitely worth paying to see!" Quistis said.
"Could someone PLEASE explain this to me?" Selphie groaned, tossing her hands into the air.
"Come with me, Sefie. I'm sure I could explain a thing or two to you..." Irvine smiled evilly, leading Selphie back to his room by the hand.
Selphie frowned at him and snatched her hand away.
Raijin, who was standing next to Seifer the entire time, tilted his head and looked in Zell's doorway, "Don't ya think someone should go tell him what's going on? I think he's traumatized, ya know?"
"DISTURBED." added Fuujin.
"Yeah, and-"
"NEUROTIC."
"Yeah, ya know?"
"I'll go talk to him." Rinoa volunteered.
Zell still sat in the corner, singing.
"Zell?" Rinoa crouched to her knees, "It was all a joke, Zell."
He looked up to her face with wide, intoxicated-looking eyes, "Weee aaallll liiiiiive iiiin a yelllow subb-bmariiiine, a lellloowww subbbaaareee, a ello ummareeee...."
"Oh, crap."
---------
Later, everyone is crowded around Zell's hospital bed. Traumatized and dumbfounded from the bet Squall and Seifer had, he was hospitalized overnight. The entire gang carried with them gifts: flowers from Rinoa and Squall, hair gel from Quistis, a time bomb from Selphie, and shoe-lifts from Seifer.
"Gee guys, thanks." Zell remarked, listening closely to the insides of Selphie's bomb rattle around as he shook it close to his ear.
"You're welcome!" Selphie chimed.
"Hey, wait! There's another one.... over there on the night-stand!" Quistis pointed.
"Who's this from?" He questioned, picking up a medium-sized blue box.
"US." Fuujin stated, referring to herself and Raijin.
"Cool! Thanks!" He said, ripping off the wrapping.
Everyone watched as Zell pulled from the box a six pack of animal printed thong underwear.
"Fuujin and I were in a hurry, ya know? So we just stopped by K-Mart and this was all we could find, ya know?"
Zell's eyes began to widen once again.
"LIKE?" Fuujin asked.
"We almost bought a scented candle, ya know? But we thought you might be allergic."
"EXPENSIVE."
"Oh, that too, ya know? Yo, Zell!"
"Itttt's a smaaaaalll wooorld aaaaaafter aaaaaallll, iiiiit's a......"