Title: A kind of deliverance
Author: Mirenithil/Lily
Rating: K+
Genre: General, Drama
Warnings: None, I think.
Feedback: … will be cuddled and provided with cookies
N/A: It's been done before, but I just couldn't resist….
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. I don't earn any money with this. Unfortunetaly. The song "Wash away the poison" can be found on the album "Mandrake" by Edguy and belongs to Tobias Sammet.
One-Shot: Luke's thoughts directly after the Battle of Endor.
A kind of deliverance
The forest had grown still.
The sounds of the victory celebration had vanished, the music had faded, the fires had burnt down.
Silence was all that remained.
Luke had long since left the celebration and had found himself a quiet place in the forest. From a high ledge he overlooked the dark sea of leaves beneath him, softly rustling in the wind, and contemplated all that had come to pass during the last hours. Tentatively he reached out to Leia, felt her warm and loving presence through the Force. She was sleeping peacefully in one of the Ewok's little huts, Han beside her. He drew strength from her mind, for once calm and devoid of fear, and found comfort in the fact hat he no longer was alone.
Finally he had found a family. A sister.
And a father who loved him enough to die for him.
Luke sighed and looked down the steep slope. His eyes found the clearing where, hours ago, Vader's armour had burnt until only ashes were left. Anakin Skywalker's body had vanished into the Force soon after his death, joining Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi in afterlife, and Luke had seen it fit to set a symbol by burning the black armour that had inceased his father for the longest years of his life. A symbol of freedom, not only for his father and the universe, but mostly for himself.
He had seen them, gleaming in ethereal blue, smiling down on him. He had felt their thoughts, their pride, their love for him. His father had looked youthful, untouched by the years of living in Darkness, a handsome Jedi Knight, unscarred and untainted, with dark golden curls reaching down to his shoulders and those bright blue eyes.
Luke unconsciously took a shaky breath. The resemblance between him and his father was so strong that it frightened him a little, thinking that there might be other similarities besides outward appearance. Thinking that he might have inherited the faults that led his father downwards into the abyss of the Dark Side of the Force.
Here alone now
I´m staring at the sea
Behind the far horizon
Is there a better place for me?
Sitting here above the forest, all alone, he finally found the time to ask himself what the future would bring. He leaned back and stared at the sky which was covered by a neverending sea of clouds.
It was the darkest hour before dawn.
The darkest hour…
And the morning would bring back light. Curiosity. Questions would demand answers. What would he tell them? How would they react? Would they understand something that he himself did not comprehend completely yet? Could anybody understand unless he had been there, had felt the darkness lifting, light flooding his senses… could anybody understand unless he had been there, had been listening to the Force singing with balance?
For the first time since he had left Leia to confront his father all those hours ago, something within Luke shifted uneasily. For the first time since his father had died, he sensed something, something undulled by a conciousness that had shut itsself down because it was not willing to acknowlegde everything that had happened, to face it squarely. Facing it would make it real, and it was a reality Luke was not ready to accept.
Finding his father and losing him again in a matter of mere minutes.
Though he was weary and exhausted, his Jedi training kicked in. He concentrated on the shifting, dove into the Force, and it did not take him long to recognise what it was:
A feeling.
Something shifted. The numbness that had encompassed him ever since he had sealed his fate began to vanish and left behind raw, unfiltered feelings. It was overwhelming, to say at least; Luke actually closed his eyes and called upon a light meditation to control the powerful wave of surpressed emotions that surged through him as his tenseness broke.
Afraid to drown
Afraid to dive
Scared by fears
And the hot sunlight
When it was over, he took a deep breath and opened his eyes again. In the distance a few stars shone hesitantly through a veil of thin silver clouds, lightened up the sea of trees for a second ere darkness claimed back its reign. With the light, the storm of feelings faded away until peaceful silence filled his mind.
But still, something remained.
It was the darkest hour before dawn. And with first daylight, he would have to go and face the others. He would have to tell them about the fight, the darkness, the ultimate sacrifice of Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith. He would have to try and make them understand. No, he would not try, he would do it. Although he knew, on some rational level of his mind, that it would be in vain.
Something remained.
One single feeling that stuck out against the others. Something that nagged and pricked and would not leave him alone, no matter how hard he tried to convince himself that everything would be all right.
He would tell them, and they would understand.
He would tell them, and they would understand what it meant to be him, Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight, Son of Vader.
And still, something remained.
Fear.
And I dance in the rain
Dive in the pool of life
Wash away the poison
And I dance through this pain
My body in a starless night
To wash away the poison
From my soul...
Not the powerful, raw terror that he had felt onboard the Death Star when Palpatine's Sith Lightning hit him, not the resigned uncertaincy of facing a slow and cruel death.
This feeling was something else. Smaller, definitely smaller, and not easy to notice. It was an underlying tone in the fabric of his consciousness, it hid itsself right between love and courage, seeped into his thoughts like venom. It poisoned his resolve and his strength until finally, after what seemed like an eternity, it achieved its goal and creeped back into his hiding place. It was a safe place, one that would always welcome the venom with open arms. It was easy to access and difficult to destroy.
Luke remembered all the times his friends spoke about Vader, remembered the pure hatred that filled the rooms and the Force. He remembered their triumph over every small victory, their horrible curses and their lust for revenge.
It was a safe place for the venom, indeed. Satisfied it nestled itsself between the pitying glances of his collegues after they had heard about the duel in Cloud City and the broken but irate look in Leia's eyes at the mentioning of Alderaan. Beautiful Alderaan.
It had achieved its goal and could rest, for now.
Luke started to doubt.
Between the devil and the deep sea
I don´t know how to carry on
I only feel that inner force
That´s pushing me along
And doubt was a merciless venom.
Luke groaned softly and squeezed his eyes shut. He did not want to doubt. He wanted to face every fate that the Alliance had in store for him with the utmost resolve. He had been right and had acted accordingly.
Most of all, he did not want to regret.
Was it worth it? Was the truth worth the possible loss of his friends and allies, the final triumph of those who had mistrusted him from the moment on they had heard he was a Jedi Knight?
He could vividly imagine the reactions of Alliance High Command the second they learned the truth about what had happenend on the Second Death Star, the truth that Vader and Palpatine had already been dead by the time the giant space station exploded in a shower of silver dust and sparks crowned with a ring of blue light.
He had been a rebel with heart and soul; convinced of their ideals and goals he had served the military, brought his men home time and time again, killed people in the name of freedom. He had been the Alliance's hero without fear.
Nevertheless they would distrust him in the years to come. They would look at him and see a black armour, hear the hiss of a respirator in his voice, evade his eyes because they would always imagine a black helmet in their place. They would accept his resignation from the military with relief, would hesitate to give him permission to rebuild the Jedi Order and grant him the much needed money. They would look upon the Knights to come as possible Pawns of Darkness, not as Guardians of Light.
He could evade this; it would not be a great problem to twist the truth enough to spare him the shocked faces and torn looks of those who learned of his heritage. He was a Jedi, it was his duty to fight the Sith. He had honoured his old Master's dying wish by facing Vader and Palpatine, he had passed his last trial and would rebuild the Jedi Order, restore its faded glory. He would find the Jedi who had fled from the Empire, find the children who had been hidden, the records that were stored somewhere safe, and he would bring them back home.
He had seriously pondered the idea a while ago. He thought about it again, now that the possible future had become a near present. The Force prompted him to make his final decision.
Denial or acceptance.
The tides of life
Bring clarity
For my tumbling mind
I´ll dive to see
Lightning struck, bathed the dark woods in a silver shine for the fraction of a heartbeat. Somewhere in the distance thunder rumbled, followed by the sound of rising winds, the rustling of a sea of leaves. Clouds clung heavy to the sky, seemed to touch the dark horizon. It had become cold.
Despite his doubt, somewhere deep inside Luke already knew what his decision would be. He was a Jedi Knight. There was no other choice, there was no other way. Someone had to take the blame, to rebuild what Vader had destroyed. Someone had to pay.
And despite doubt and fear, he was willing to bear this burden. If not for the sake of the galaxy and the redemption of this father's name, then at least for himself. Perhaps it would ease his troubled thoughts, would stop this feeling of floating in a neverending ocean without ever finding a save haven. Perhaps it would help him find his home.
Set me free…
Again, lightning split the sky. The storm tousled the dark leaves, howling, breaking and releasing nature's pure force. The clouds cracked open and rain poured down onto the nightly forest, washing away the dust and the shards of yesterday's battle.
Luke did not move. The cold drops ran down his weary face, his aching body, soaked his black clothing until it clang to him like a second skin. He did not mind. Having grown up on a desert world, he welcomed the rain with open arms. Just standing there and listening to the sounds of falling raindrops, silver tears, he felt truly at ease and free of his worries.
It was tempting to consider history past and done, to allow himself to rest for a while. It was a big galaxy and it probably could do without him for a while.
All too tempting.
But… there were so many promises to keep. So much questions to answer and so much more to learn. So many wounded and broken to care for. And he was one of the them.
The future had to begin somewhere, and if he wanted to save and heal others, he first had to save and heal himself.
And I dance in the rain
Dive in the pool of life
Wash away the poison
And I dance through this pain
My body in a starless night
To wash away the poison
From my soul...
Mending his scars would take time, years, perhaps even decades, and he could not buy himself peace by fixing what his father had broken. It would not be a remedy, not for the galaxy and certainly not for himself.
But it would be the end of the dark years, of an era of sorrow.
It would be the beginning of a healing.
It would be a turning point and perhaps, somehow, someday, a kind of deliverance.
The End