[[A/N]] I really should not be posting this yet! But I am. Ok... Shikamaru/Neji based just after the Hidan and Kakuzu arc. Shikamaru's a mess and doesn't know what to do. Neji helps put him back together.
Chapter one - Take It Apart
Leaving Konoha hospital, Shikamaru inhaled deeply. He should feel relieved. He should feel like he now had some sort of closure. He shouldn't be feeling like his stomach had dropped out of him. He shouldn't be feeling like he needed to break down.
He had had his revenge. Now he was supposed to get on with his life.
Instead, he found himself wandering aimlessly around the village. He'd been given orders to rest; so he had rested. He had been told he was not going on another mission until he had received a psychological evaluation; He'd passed. He was told to focus on getting back to his normal self; he tried but he couldn't place what was wrong to fix it.
Disconnected. That was how some people had described him since the incident in his family's forest.
Disconnected. That could mean so much, he thought. Apathetic, unresponsive, irrational, he could be any of these things.
His mind didn't whirl so much now. He was free to relax a little when he wanted. He found he could just shut down. He could disconnect.
It wasn't just his teammates that had noticed the change. His friends from school had also noticed, and girls gossiped which meant that almost every female he knew was looking at him with a pathetic form of sympathy in their eyes, shaking their heads.
He had thrown himself into caring for Kurenai and her unborn child. He would go over to her apartment most days to check she was ok and make sure she had everything she needed; he would accompany her to hospital appointments.
He was sparring more now too; fighting with anyone he thought could give him a challenge. His father, Kiba, Choji, even Lee.
But he heard the whispers of the people around the village.
"Poor boy, he doesn't know what to do with himself."
"He's lucky, it could have been him."
Unwanted sympathy that did nothing more than enrage him.
He found himself in one of the training grounds. Lee and Neji were sparring in a clearing.
He watched the Hyūga push chakra from his palm to send the Taijitsu user flying backwards into a tree before doubling over with his hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath.
Lee jumped up and made his way over to the Hyūga. He said something that Shikamaru couldn't hear, but caused Neji to look over at him before waving Lee off and walking towards him.
"Shikamaru," Neji said by way of a greeting.
"Neji," Shikamaru replied.
Neji studied the Nara's expression quickly. Blank indifference, just as Lee had said. Stoic enough that even the Hyūga couldn't read him.
"What brings you here?" Neji asked, leaning against a tree.
"Just walking," Shikamaru said with no change in his facial expression.
"Would you like to spar?"
Shikamaru shook his head and looked up at the sky. Not one cloud drifting over the endless blue.
Neji pulled a bento box out of his pack and sat down. "Would you like to join me for lunch?" He asked. "It's not a lot, but I'm sure it's delicious. Hinata-sama made it."
Shikamaru looked down at the Hyūga and his bento. It was simply rice and sushi with two small vials of soy sauce. "Sure," he said, sitting in the shade next to Neji.
Neji passed him a pair of chopsticks and the pair began to eat in a companionable silence for a few minutes.
"What's wrong, Shikamaru?" Neji asked, stealing a sideways glance at the Nara.
"I don't know what you mean," Shikamaru replied, dropping his chopsticks to the side of the bento.
"You aren't acting like yourself," the Hyūga clarified.
"And how would you know what I act like when I'm myself?" Shikamaru countered.
"I am not trying to start an argument with you, Nara. I simply wish to know if I can be of any help to your friends and family who happen to be worried about you."
"Well they're worrying about needless things and the next time you speak to my friends and family you can tell them that, Hyūga," Shikamaru said angrily, standing up.
Neji smirked slightly. "Don't you think it's a bit out of place for something with nothing wrong with them to be asking someone else to pass a message on to their family and friends?"
Shikamaru scowled and glared at the ground.
"Is this about Asuma?" Neji asked.
"No. There's nothing wrong," Shikamaru said. "Why can't people just accept that?"
Neji stood up and faced the shadow-nin. "People don't understand that death changes people. But so does life, and you need to learn to embrace these changes, Shikamaru."
Shikamaru raised his eyes slowly. His gaze gliding over the Hyūga's body until it reached his eyes.
"I spent nine years denying that change," Neji said. "I pinned it on fate and destiny. I have now learned to embrace it. If you don't, you end up losing everything you once held dear, not just those who have passed on."
"I don't know how," Shikamaru whispered. "I don't understand why but everything is just losing its meaning."
"This is a part of grieving," Neji said. "You have yet to accept the fact that Asuma is really gone."
Shikamaru closed his eyes and pushed back the tears that were threatening to fall.
"Don't hold back. Don't try to be strong. Do what you need to do."
His knees felt weak. He felt like the weight he had been holding on to for so long was trying to crush him. The burn behind his eyes told him he was crying and his hands on the ground told him he had falling onto all fours.
He felt alone. Without Asuma, he felt like he could do nothing right. He felt like he wasn't fit to protect anyone, not his friends, not his family, nobody.
But they were still there, they still needed him, believed in him, trusted him.
He felt the warmth of Neji's hand over one of his own and fell back to a sitting position. He felt the slight pressure of Neji's other hand on his back and he drew a ragged breath.
Neji ran his hand up the broken Nara's arm and up to his face, wiping the tears away with a feathery touch.
"When you don't understand something," Neji whispered to him softly. "You need to take it apart; you need to understand each component before you can understand the thing as a whole; and if you don't know how, you need to get help."
Shikamaru raised his bloodshot eyes to those of the Hyūga but didn't say anything.
"We'll take everything you're feeling right now apart. I'll help you understand."
With one hand on the Nara's back and the other on his face, Neji pulled the defeated ninja towards him and held him close as he began to understand just one part of what was making him disconnected.
Half an hour later, Neji was sat with his back to a tree and Shikamaru was sat between his legs with his head resting against the chest of the older ninja. His eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot and his breathing was laboured. Neji had an arm wrapped around his shoulders and the other resting gently over the other's legs. Neither had spoken since they had fallen into the position.
Slowly, Neji could feel Shikamaru's heartbeat slow to a more normal rate. The shadow-nin's breathing was becoming deeper and more relaxed.
"Do you feel better?" Neji asked, quietly.
Shikamaru nodded slowly. "A bit," he said.
"This is the worst part," Neji said. "This is the part that never wants to end."
"I feel so useless," Shikamaru mumbled.
"You were even more useless before," Neji told him. "How could you help anyone when you couldn't even help yourself?"
Shikamaru smiled feebly. "I've never lost someone like this before. I still can't believe that it's real."
"It is, Shikamaru," Neji said softly. "You need to understand that and feel the grief. It's the only way to move on."
"Take it apart, right, Hyūga?"
Neji smiled wryly. "Right."
[[A/N]] Ok, so I'm so fed up of staring at this and willing it to be better, I'm not entirely happy with it but if I look at it any more I'm going to end up deleting it all -_-. Con-Crit welcome as always!
Edit: Fixed a few mistakes I noticed while going through this chapter again. The second part is halfway done, with a bit of luck I'll get it up on Friday or Saturday. The latest it'll be up is Monday!
~WatchingAsYouFall