Things Hermione Are NOT Allowed To Do At Hogwarts...But Does Anyway...

Summary: Hermione finds a mysterious book and decides to follow it's advice as best as she can...

Warnings: Oh...crack. Totally. I wasn't smoking anything when I wrote this, but man, it's been a source of many a personal giggle. So! I'm sharing. I hope to continue it when I feel dorky enough, lol. So! On with the show!

Hermione smiled gently as she walked into the great hall. She had a loose-leafed book in her hands. She read it, a slow grin coming over her face. She had no idea where the book had come from, but it was brilliant! She knew, what with the craziness of her life and what looked to be a war coming on, this was exactly what Hogwarts needed. She put the book in her trunk and skipped away, leaving it's cover facing up.

'101 Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts'

The school was doomed…

She turned around and, with her spoon, still with oatmeal on it, poked the nearest Hufflepuff. Harry raised a brow. "Uh, Hermoine?" She smiled and turned her head, the Hufflepuff in question kinda scooted away slightly, but she kept poing her with the spoon. "Yes?" Harry stiflied a laugh at the offended look the Puff was giving her. "Why are you poking her...with your spoon?" He asked.

"Oh." She stopped and blinked down at her spoon and gave him an innocent look, "I just assumed," She said, speaking half to Harry and half to the Puff, "That since they are covered in bees, there would be honey..."

Rule #1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".

Hermione was kneeling down in the plants in the far side of the greenhouse. And cackling. Ron, Harry, and well, everyone looked concerned. Proffessor Sprout stepped forward to inquire what was wrong, but Harry stopped her with a hand on her wrist and wide eyes and a shaking head. "Mr. Potter?" He nervously looked over. Oh yeah, did I mention the cackling? "Best...just to leave her at it, I think." He said quietly. "Nonsense. Miss Granger, what are you doing?" She inquired. Hermione looked up with a leafy green plant in one hand and a dark brown mushroom in the other. "Which of these would work best for extra credit?"

Rule #3. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".

"Shush! Be very veery quiet, I'm hunting Mini-Death-Eater!" Hermione whispered to Harry as he was about it inturupt her. Hermione was leaned over the sleeping Draco Malfoy with a black permant marker in her hand and a manic grin on her face. It was, of course History of Magic, so, Harry chose the better option then disturbing her and laid his head back down.

Rule #11. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

"And of course, I want 10% of all bets as the broker of choice, as is lined out in the contract when you place your bet. Now, will you be putting in 5 galleons on 'Harry accidentally kills him' or the 'He's really a Death Eater in disguise'? Or maybe the very popular 'Trips and falls through the third step in the staircase while being chased by rabid unicorns'? It has a 1:10 rating currently!" One look at the VERY long parchment, the grinning Hermione and the 'Fate Of This Year's Defence Proffesor' at the top, with a large stack of coins, and Harry knew it was the end. He gave up and fished out all his galleons, after all, he had to keep up her morale, right?

Rule #13. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defence Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

"Help meeee! Crazzzzzy woman! Pleassssssse help!"

Harry came running into the common room. He stopped dead in the middle of the room and stared. Hermione had a reticulated python in her grasp, making kissy faces and cooing as she pet it.

"Oh, good Merlin!"

The snakes' head whipped around to look at Harry and cried out, rather desperately, "Help me, human! Help!"

Harry sighed and looked at Hermione. "Um…What are you doing with that snake, Hermione?"

She looked up and grinned, "Oh, Harry. I want you to meet Cuddles! Isn't he the cutest thing EVER! Yes you are, yes. You are. So cute…" She then made with the kissy faces again.

Harry sighed and looked at the snake, "Sorry…apparently she's gonna keep you…."

He headed the other way, towards his dorm room, "You're on your own. Oh…" He hesitated, the glanced over his shoulder. "Your name is Cuddles…" He then left.

The sound of horrible screams for help and mercy would haunt him for awhile.

Rule #28. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or pirahna.

Hermione came running into the great hall, with tears running down her eyes, heaving breathes and looking like something had just hit her in between the eyes. Harry and Ron, of course came running, concerned for her.

"Hermione, it's alright. What's wrong?" Ron asked, rubbing her back, soothingly.

Hermione looked up at him with wide eyes and pointed to the woman who was just entering the room. Supported by Proffessor McGonagall, the Arithmancy Proffessor was looking rather crazy. Muttering to herself, and occasionally shouting out a random number, then going back to muttering. She was also looking rather drawn and pale, and it looked like she was shaking like a leaf.

"What's wrong with her?" Harry asked in a whisper, almost afraid to find out.

Hermione looked at him, seriousness in her eyes, "I asked her the square root of –1…." Then, to everyone's surprise but Harry's, she burst into laughter. As the tears started rolling and she shakingly explained in heaving gasps how the teacher had then proceeded to scribble out the answer on the board, only to get it wrong. The professor hadn't been the same since.

Rule #33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

Next Five up when Harry stops hiding...anyone got a blowtorch and some stink gas? Maybe I can spook him out?