I sat in my bed, grasping the pills in my hand. I stared at Johanna's sleeping figure. I stood and walked across the room. I stopped at the vanity and looked at the photographs. A single tear fell down my cheek but I pushed it away. I pulled a silver razor out of Ben's box and fingered it in my hands. Suddenly, I flung it across the room at the mirror, shattering the glass and breaking the razor in half.
The noise woke Johanna, who began balling her eyes out. I sank to the floor, clutching the pills even tighter. My tears fell to the ground and I howled in pain and sadness. I don't know how long I stayed there, maybe hours. However, I eventually stood and soothed Johanna. Her eyes looked up at me once her tears had ceased. Her beautiful eyes were complete copies of her fathers. Beautiful brown jewels. They looked up at me with a quizzical look. They seemed to be saying, What do we do now?
"I don't know," I told her, my voice cracking. As she fell asleep again, I began to have second thoughts about what I planned to do. NO! I thought. I have to do it. I can't live like this! As I looked down at my beautiful daughter I knew I had to do it. Know. "Any last words…" I muttered. "Goodbye , goodbye, goodbye, my love." What would Ben say? No, he would understand. "I'm sorry Ben," I begged. "But I can't do this anymore. I can't hide, can't hide, can't hide what has come. I have to go, I have to go, I have to go and leave you alone." The tears were falling for good now. If Ben ever came back, if he ever escaped…I wouldn't be here. He would come home…and I'll be dead. He would think I don't love him. "Oh Ben," I muttered. "I have to leave. I can't stay in this hell hole. But always know, always know, always know, that I love you so, I love you so, I love you so. Oh!" I wrapped my arms around myself and squeezed until it hurt. I crawled across the floor and pulled myself up next to Johanna's crib. I stared down at her.
"Goodbye, brown eyes, goodbye for now. Goodbye, sunshine, take care of yourself. I have to go, I have to go, I have to go and leave you alone. But always know, always know, always know that I love you so, I love you so, oh." Johanna clutched to a little doll Ben had gotten her. She was so much like her father. "I love you so. Oh."
I remembered our first years together. How sweet he'd been, how lovely. He'd been lovely till the very end. I couldn't help but remember one specific night. A horrible storm was raging outside like crazy. Wind, rain, thunder and lightning. I hated the sound of thunder and the horrible flash of lightning. Ben had simply wrapped his arms around me and stared into my eyes. I'd been so attracted to his sweet brown eyes I had slept all night. He'd even sung to me a little. He had such a sweet voice. "La-lullaby. Distract me with your eyes," I muttered. "La-lullaby. La-lullaby. Help me sleep tonight. La-lullaby, la-lullaby, la-lullaby." I walked across the floor and looked out the window, tired from not sleeping and tired of just living like I was. In fear. "I have to go, I have to go, I have to go… And leave you alone." I stared at the photograph of the two of us and squeezed it to my chest. "But always know, always know, always know
that I love you so. I love you so."
I sat on the floor, muttering endlessly, pulling the pills up to my lips. "Goodbye, lullaby I love you so. Goodbye lullaby I love you so. Goodbye lullaby I love you so. Goodbye lullaby I love you so. I love you so." As I brought the pills to my mouth I stared at Johanna and at my reflection in the broken mirror. Goodbye, brown eyes goodbye my love.