The End
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"Because I could not stop for Death
He kindly stopped for me
The Carriage held but just Ourselves
And Immortality."- Emily Dickinson
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The sun beat down on my delicate frame. I wrapped my thin arms around my frail body and sighed. I closed my eyes, brushing my long lashes down on my cheeks. The sun kissed my face, embracing every inch of exposed skin. I took in a deep breath, releasing it in a shudder. A single tear slipped down my face.
'Not this again' I thought, trying to avoid the creeping depression.
I was sitting in my sunny backyard. As usual, I was home alone. Most of my summer days were spent alone, drowning in inescapable loneliness. Strangely, the loneliness only increased when my mother came home, angry and prepared to take her days troubles out on me. Mother. The thought of her filled my eyes with even more tears; anger brought these ones on, not sadness. My thin fingers curled into angry fists, my long nails digging into my tender palms. My body started shaking and I gave in. I began rocking in tremors as I collapsed on the ground. Sobs erupted from my throat as tears streaked over the bridge of my nose, the sideways gravity from lying on the ground causing them to puddle on the ground next to my right eye.
My long brown hair sprawled randomly out on the grass, my beachy waves thrown in different directions around my head. I couldn't escape this; I had been living this way for too long. I lay this way unaware of the passing minutes, or was it hours? It made no difference to me, sobbing on the soft grass, blanketed by the suns warmth.
"I don't want to live like this anymore" I said out loud, knowing no one would hear me. My house was at the end of my street, 2 sides were surrounded by lush forest. I rolled over on my back, my sobs had stopped but relentless tears still streamed steadily from the corners of my eyes. I slowly ran my hand along my rib cage, wincing as I brushed my fingers along the bruises. The deep green and purple bruises were scattered along my side, some from being pushed down the stairs, some from just being hit. The memories from last night made me wince.
'Don't the neighbors here me scream?' I thought 'Or do they, but they just don't care.'
The second option seemed more likely. No one cared about me. My mother hated me and beat me, my father left before I was born. I don't blame him, I never had. He found a easy escape from my mother, I wasn't as lucky.
I rested my hand on my chest, careful to avoid the tender bruises. I could feel my protruding ribcage and sighed. I was anorexic. I knew I was slowly starving to death, but that didn't bother me. I hated life, but it hated me more. Every day I lay in bed, not wanting to get up and face the world. I am alone in this world. I am a ticking time bomb, slowly self destructing. It was not that I was ugly. I had proportioned features, turquoise eyes framed with thick lashes, clear skin and I was the farthest thing from fat. Of course none of that matters. Who cares how you look if you have no reason to live?
I was accepted by the other girls at school only for my looks. They only pretended to like me, and easily accepted the fact that I never showed up at their various parties. I was too busy at home, hiding in the corner of my bedroom, crying and rubbing new gashes and marks caused my mother. They didn't care if I was alive; they just wanted me as an addition to their group. I mainly kept to my silence at school, drifting in their shadows, happy to not raise many questions. They didn't try to contact me on our summer break. I no longer had the escape of school.
My life was surrounded by a black cloud, filling my mind with hopelessness and always causing the worst things that could happen. I hated myself, my mother and my life. I hadn't been truly happy in years. As a child my mother had always left me at home, chasing after the men with the fattest wallets, striking me when she didn't get the money she wanted. I was always alone, a horrible childhood that led to an even worse adolescence.
I lifted my eyelids and gazed into the blinding light of the sun above. It seemed like the world had stopped to allow me to think. My breathing had become more regular, my cheeks still wet with my salty tears. The painful feeling of being hollow and empty returned, as if I was being slowly eaten from the inside. I had no where to go, no where to run to escape this life. I needed to escape, to be free of this, anything would be better then to continue like this.
Suddenly my mind became effortlessly clear. The answer. I stood up abruptly, swaying on my feet at the sudden movement. The grass felt spongy and fresh under my bare feet as I walked across it and into the house. I slid open the door and stepped into the chilled interior. I didn't look around as I made my way to the main bathroom; I had my mind set so strongly that it was focused on my goal. I padded to the main bathroom and turned. I walked in and flicked on the lights. I looked in the mirror before I opened it to reveal the medicine cabinet. My hair was messy and out of place, but that was the last thing I was worried about now. I wasn't wearing any make up because I wasn't planning on leaving the house today. My eyes were red rimmed, my cheeks still glistening from salt tears.
I inhaled deeply as I swung open the mirrored cabinet door and saw what I was looking for. The little orange pill bottles were lined up, labels facing forward. Blindly I grabbed 3 bottles, knowing that they would do the job. I walked out of the house and back out into the welcoming summer's air, leaving all the doors ajar, some one would close them eventually. The tears were back, soundlessly falling off my cheeks. I settled back down on the grass, feeling everything around me for the last time. With trembling hands I started popping off the lids of the bottles, dumping a third of the contents of each into my palm. I was ready. I was so unhappy with my life, I had no friends that would miss me too much, my mother would be mad she didn't have a punching bag anymore and I would finally be free. It was my only escape. I didn't know what to expect after I died, but I knew whatever it was it would be bliss to escape this life.
I tipped back my head.
"Good-bye" I whispered.
I dumped all the pills from my hand into my mouth.
"NO" A angry unexpected voice sounded behind me. I heard a branch snap sharply in the distance.