A/N: This is a relatively short one-shot I had in my head after I'd listened to Impossible Year by Panic! At the Disco a few times. Enjoy!
It was the one year anniversary of her death, and Daniel was drinking. He'd found a small, out of the way bar that was at least a full hour's drive away from base, so that no one would find him. He was sitting alone in the corner of the bar in the darkness; hand clasped around a glass of alcohol, a beverage he rarely ingested except in cases of extreme sorrow.
She was the one and only love he'd ever had in his life and she'd been taken from here barely a year into their life together. She'd been kidnapped by his first ever enemy Apophis, turned into a host to his mate Amaunet, and forced to be a prisoner within her own body: able to see the horrors being carried out by her own hand controlled the Goa'uld but powerless to stop it. He'd vowed to her father, to her brother, and to himself that he would save her. But four years later here he was, drowning his sorrows in a glass of whiskey, trying to forget the searing pain he felt in his chest every time he thought of her.
He wasn't angry at Teal'c for shooting her. As upset as he was at the time of the event, give time to calm down he'd realised it was necessary, and he knew that Sha're would rather have died than stay on to live as a host. But it didn't make the pain any more bearable.
She was the sweetest, humblest, most generous person he'd ever met. When he couldn't do a task considered facile by the villagers such as grinding flour or building tents, she helped him with a smile instead of mocking him like the rest of the villagers. When he'd refused her body before he'd understood that she was a 'gift', she'd taken it in her stride rather than shrink away in shame. She understood him way beyond language. She understood his soul and she completed him in a way he'd never felt before.
A piercing whine knocked him out of his reminiscing, making Daniel make a face and cover his ears. It sounded like the sound of feedback from a microphone.
"Ladies and gentlemen, Open Night has now commenced. Should anyone wish to perform, there is a guitar and piano available for you, and have fun!" A voice announced from the direction of the small stage in the corner of the bar. Daniel hadn't meant to come during an open night; he hadn't noticed any signs on the outside of the building. He just wanted to forget.
After a second however, he thought that maybe he could perform a song. A tribute to his late wife. He had recently started playing his piano again, it helped him lose himself for a little while and concentrate on nothing other than the music flowing from his fingertips. He had sung for Sha're now and then during their year together, and she'd complimented him on his voice. She was such an honest, open person that he k new he must have a minimum of talent vocally, for if he didn't she would have told him so.
All of a sudden, it hit him. He knew what he wanted to play. It was a song he'd just recently learnt how to play but he knew it well enough for a one time performance in front of strangers in a tiny bar. He looked and listened, and noticed that the current performer was finishing up his prepared set of songs. He put down the glass he'd been nursing for the past fifteen minutes and made his way through the small crowd that had gathered around the stage. After running it through with the 'stage manager', he waited on the side whilst he was introduced to the bar. He nervously stood onto the stage, cautiously waving out into the darkness of the bar, and sat down on the piano stool. He took a deep, steadying breath and his fingers fell onto the keys, forming the first note. He played the introduction flawlessly, and lifted his head and closed his eyes when he started singing.
There's no sunshine
This impossible year
Only black days and sky grey
And clouds full of fear
And storms full of sorrow
That won't disappear
Just typhoons and monsoons
This impossible year
There's no good times
This impossible year
Just a beachfront of bad blood
And a coast that's unclear
All the guests at the party
They're so insincere
They just intrude and exclude
This impossible year
He let all his emotions pour out into his voice, all the hurt, the guilt, the pain that coursed through his body when his beloved Sha're's face flashed in his mind. He could perfectly recall her expression when he'd heard her voice in his head telling him she loved him. He couldn't help but remember her face when the staff blast hit her back, and her face of love turned to one of shock and pain. At least the one silver lining he could find is that she was in control of herself for the last few moments of her life, and the last thing she saw was the face of someone that she loved and that loved her.
There's no you and me
This impossible year
Only heartache and heartbreak
And gin made of tears
The bitter pill I swallow
The scars souvenir
That tattoo, your last bruise
This impossible year
There's never air to breathe
There's never in-betweens
These nightmares always hang on past the dream
There's no sunshine
There's no you and me
There's no good times
This impossible year
The last note rang out, and he could vaguely hear the sound of applause around him. He hadn't noticed the tears falling from his eyes, but the tracks down his cheeks and the wetness on the back of his hands showed another story. He stood up and nodded his head towards where he knew the crowd was, not actually looking at them. He hurried down off the stage and went back to the bar to order another drink. Just as he ordered from the bartender a voice interjected.
"This one's on me, and I'll have the same" It was a voice he'd recognize from miles away, and didn't need to turn around to see who was talking. He did it anyway.
"How'd you found me?" He asked lazily.
"Tracker in your arm" Sam answered as she slid into the seat next to him and leaned against the bar in the same fashion he was. "I was worried about you so I came looking for you. I heard you playing, you're really good"
Daniel didn't say anything. He didn't care for praises. He'd told Sha're about his musical tendencies and she'd been very interested. He'd sung for her before, but as there was nothing resembling a piano on Abydos he'd been unable to show her how he played. Another regret, another thing he wished he could've done with her before her time ran out too quickly. He had so many, why not one more?
The bartender gave them their drinks and Sam gave him a twenty, telling him to keep the change. They sat there in silence for a few moments before Sam spoke again.
"You don't have to be alone, you know. I know that I don't understand what you're going through and I don't pretend to, but that doesn't mean I can't be there for you. You shouldn't be alone, not when you have friends to confide in-"
"I couldn't save her, Sam" He blurted out before she'd even finish her sentence. "I couldn't save her and now it's my fault she's dead. I have to live with that guilt and that heartache for the rest of my life"
Sam sighed and put her hand comfortingly on his shoulder.
"I know there's nothing I can say to convince you otherwise, or to reassure you, but I'm going to say it anyway: it wasn't your fault"
Daniel huffed, but didn't reply. Knowing that part of the conversation was over, Sam decided on a change of subject.
"I almost brought the guys with me, but I figured you might not want that"
"Oh god no" Daniel exclaimed "The last thing I need is Jack telling me to 'buck up and act like a man' and Teal'c to just look at me in judgement" He brought the glass back up to his lips but didn't drink, not sure whether he should.
"That wouldn't have happened." Sam affirmed "They're your friends. The colonel lost his son, so he knows the pain you're feeling. And Teal'c… well I don't know if he's lost someone, but as his whole race is slaves to evil, power-hungry snakes I think we can assume that he has." She cringed as she realised what she'd just blurted out loud, and cautiously looked around them to see if anyone had heard. After determining that no one had, she continued. "Even if he hadn't, I doubt he'd judge you by any means. He may not say much but he understands a lot"
Daniel did nothing but shrug. Sam huffed and knew that there was no point in carrying on. She leant her head on Daniel's shoulder. He acted as if nothing had happened.
"Today sucks" was all she said.
"Yup" He popped dully, taking another swig of his drink. The two sat in silence for the rest of the night, but Daniel was still thankful for her presence. He hadn't realised how much he needed a friend, but now that she was here he felt a little better. Only a little though. His wife was still dead.
He sighed and took one last mouthful of whiskey. It really had been an impossible year.