(Begin the cool accent of that dude who speaks on trailers for movies)
Cici, the undercover journalist – code name Cici-inator – had worked at Dharke Productions for little over three years now. Over those years, Cici's main job was to give her boss, Dharke, the latest gossip, which would aid her in making some of the most controversial movies of the twenty-first century. Gone were classic movies such as The Godfather, Star Wars and the overtly wonderful Gigli (yea, riiiight!) and in their replacements were Dharke's amazing werewolf and parody movies featuring her beloveds Carter Horton and Hugh Jackman. Cici had interviewed so many interesting figures of today's popular culture: Hannibal Lecter, The Terminator (where she stole her name from!), Saddam Hussein and Eric Cartman. In fact, her interview with the 'I'm-not-fat-I'm-big-boned' one was so enthralling; it won her the grand Pulitzer prize. But today, she would face her biggest challenge: Clear Rivers. Cici had been put under strict instructions from Dharke to go find Rivers, interview her and take the total piss out of her. Although secretly on the inside, Cici was an avid Clear fan having several of her movies on DeeeVeeeDeee (Just HOW did she manage to star in all those movies! GASP!) Dharke knew this and so she threatened Cici with a horrible life on the dole if she didn't succeed. Rivers was currently shacked up in a mental institution, similar to the very one in Final Destination 2. She had committed crimes against humanity – those being present in the movies Varsity Blues, House on Haunted Hill, Final Destination, American Outlaws, Legally Blonde and Final Destination 2.
We begin our one Act story at the Stonybrook institution, New York, for where the piss shall be ultimately ripped…
(End the trailer guy movie voice over)
INT. STONYBROOK INSTITUTION, CORRIDORS, NIGHT
Dressed in baggy cargo pants, Kappa trainers and her beloved Rangers FC soccer top, Cici, the undercover journalist, sneaks into the Stonybrook Institution. Seeing as it was so easy for her to sneak past the dumb assed security guards at the front reception, Cici grins evilly, scowling like that Donnie kid in the mind bending Donnie Darko movie. Scanning down the corridor looking for the room of her opponent, Cici notices a warning sticker on the silver door labelled:
'DANGEROUSLY INSANE BEAVER: ENTER WITH CAUTION'
Jumping up and down like Rocky Balboa preparing for a boxing match, the journalist breathes out shallowly, gaining composure. Wanting to appear a badass, Cici kicks the door wide open and leaps inside…
INT. STONYBROOK INSTITUTION, CLEAR RIVER'S ROOM, NIGHT
CICI: (as Shannon Elizabeth in 'Scary Movie') What is up my sistah!
BEAT
CICI: (cont'd) Wow. I feel just like AJ Cook in Final Destination 2. 'Cept for the fact I'm not utterly fucking clueless about Death's design.
CLEAR RIVERS turns, upon hearing the words 'death' and 'design' in the same sentence, and looks at the mighty journalist, an immediate angry look spreading across her features. How dare someone break into her room?! Cici grins stupidly.
CLEAR: Who the fuck are you?
CICI: Aww, shit, gurl! You don't know me?
CLEAR: No, I don't. Again, I repeat: who the fuck are you?
CICI: (quoting Sarah Michelle Gellar) 'Aww, a twit with the wit.' I'm someone who's here to offer you the chance of a lifetime.
CLEAR: And what might that be?
CICI: Duuuuh, gurlfriend! Meeting me! I'm a HUGE fan. Just like Reese Witherspoon reveals to you in 'Legally Blonde'. (Dumb blonde-like) Aww, such an honour!
CLEAR: (disgusted) Freak.
CICI: (annoyed) and you're a goddamn beaver. (Using her journalistic merits) Hmm, you're not very smart are you? Jeez, even Amy Smart is smarter than you – granted, she has 'Smart' in her name…but still. (Sighs dramatically) I'm afraid to say that the rapturous state I was in only 24 hours ago, was brought on by the very thought of meeting you, and is rapidly assaulting down a dual carriageway coated in thick ice.
Cici goes to step forward. Clear takes a step back.
CLEAR: Don't come any closer.
CICI: Shit, there goes my hug.
CLEAR: How do you know about Death's design?
CICI: Well, actually, I don't really. I'm on an assignment.
Clear looks blankly at her. Cici puts her hands on her hips, leaning forward slightly.
CICI: I'm here to interview you. About yourself and this design you keep raving about.
CLEAR: Me? You wanna write about me? Don't make me laugh. What's so goddamn special?
CICI: (in awe) Look at you! You're Ali Larter!
CLEAR: I'm who?
CICI: Never mind. Will you do one thing for me?
Clear looks apprehensive. She nervously eyes the security button aside the television monitor by the door, thinking about pressing it. Strangely, she feels intrigued by this slightly eccentric Scottish intruder. She nods.
CICI: Smile.
CLEAR: What?
CICI: It just occurred to me, you never smiled once in Final Destination. I mean, you knew Carter Horton. That alone has gotta make you smile. You see, Dharke, my wonderfully talented producer/director boss type person, has this adamant theory that you have beaver teeth. I don't believe it. I just wanna inspect is all.
CLEAR: You're not my fucking dentist.
CICI: But you want me to be? Aww, come on baby, admit it. You want me to inspect your teeth. I'll make 'em perfect…free of charge. (Looks her up and down) Though, I must say, your wardrobe leaves little to be desired. Ever watched Queer Eye For The Straight Guy? There's this amazing hottie on it, Jai Rodriguez…
CLEAR: I thought you were interviewing me?
CICI: Oh right. Sorry. (Grins sheepishly) Got a little carried away there. Hot guy is all.
CLEAR: (impatient) What do you wanna ask me?
CICI: Will you go out with my friend, Russ? He's got a major crush on you. Has done ever since Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Granted, he'd have Eliza Dushku before you but he's not a fussy man.
CLEAR: I'm not ready for dating since…
CICI: Aww. Poor Alex. Ever tried being a lesbian? Dharke says you are twenty four seven…
CLEAR: Your boss sounds a total arrogant, irresponsible and insulting excuse for a human being.
CICI: Only to you, honey. She's a genius really. I mean, she wrote A Canadian Werejock In New York. Would you like a copy? Best damn parody I've ever read.
CLEAR: How do you know about Alex?
CICI: He's a little Canadian guy named Devon Sawa. Played him in Final Destination. In fact, that movie stars all of your gay assed friends: Billy Hitchcock and Tod Waggner to name a few. But not the irrepressible Carter Horton. We'd all willingly be that man's slave. But you…ahhh, you were my personal favourite, although I didn't think that shoddy brunette hair do did your complexion any good. You're much hotter blonde. Hmm…so how about down there, uh?
Cici gives Clear a cheeky wink, thinking herself to be a complete genius.
CLEAR: (gasps) Why you…!
CICI: Sorry, too sexually profound for ya? Please accept my sincerest apologies. Now what I really wanna ask you about: Colin Farrell. OH MY GAWD! That mad is god! What was it like working with him?
CLEAR: Never heard of him.
CICI: (gasps in disgust; changes subject) How about Famke Janssen? She was da bomb in the X Men movies.
CLEAR: I don't read comics. Those are for gay pre-pubescent teenagers.
From Cici's back pocket, drops a DeeeVeeeDeee copy of X Men 2. Clear goes to pick it up but Cici swats her away.
CICI: ARGH!! NO TOUCHING!!! NO ONE TOUCHES THE DEEEVEEEDEEES BUT ME!
Shuffling her hand around in another huge assed pocket, Cici pulls out her beloved Legally Blonde DVD. The very copy she used for hitting Dharke around the skull whenever she dissed the wonderfulness of that movie. She raises it and brings it down hard on Clear's noggin. The blonde staggers back, hitting one of the padded walls. Cici smirks at the sheer force of it.
CICI: That'll teach you to diss X Men. I truly hope Bryan Singer never ever casts you in a single movie – not that he ever would, I mean, he has all his characters. There'd honestly be no room for you. Now, where was I…? Oh yes, Famke Janssen. She totally outplayed you in House On Haunted Hill. I mean, that wouldn't be all that hard, but…hey, you never did tell me why you're in here.
CLEAR: I, uh…I'm avoiding Death.
CICI: Suuuure you are. That's what they all say. I heard you were committed for crimes to the Hollywood Industry. I personally don't get that; I think you're wonderful. Was it your idea to shorten Alison to Ali?
CLEAR: Here we go with this 'Ali' person again. I mean, what's with that? Maybe if you're real lucky you'll wind up in here with me.
CICI: (extremely excited) Aw, wow! Really? Really, really, really, really, really?! ROOMIES!!
CLEAR: You're certainly certifiable.
CICI: (scoffs) you're one to talk! Last time I checked, you were in the white insititution clothes, not me. Do you have a straitjacket as well? I've always wanted to try one of 'em. Anywayz, out of interest…what is this design that Death has. Dharke wants to know, she has a new project in the pipeline…as of yet, it's untitled.
CLEAR: The survivors of Flight 180 died in the exact order they were meant to in…
Cici starts lip syncing to the words coming from Clear's mouth. Clear stops sort when she notices that Cici is saying her words out aloud.
CLEAR: How do you know what I'm saying?
CICI: Look. I'll try and put this down in simple terms for you, okay? You are in a movie… A movie I have seen before. A movie, like An American Werewolf In Paris, that never lives up to the original. Same goes with Star Wars and Friday the 13th series. I can tell you that you had a visit earlier from some airhead looney called Kimberly – a.k.a Chimberly and that you are gonna be blown up by the end of this.
Cici starts to get teary eyed at the thought. This is why she always watches every other movie Larter's been in – no character deaths. Suddenly, Cici brightens…
CICI: Hey! Maybe I can somehow switch you and Chim-bore-ly around…
CUT TO:
CICI'S MIND
She's standing in the hospital with Clear, Officer Irritating and Chimberly. Clear declares that she will go and find Eugene. Cici interrupts, saying how much better it would be if she and Clear stay here and let Chimberly go off herself. Irritating protests to such an action, but Chimmie is feeling extremely brave and goes towards Eugene's room. Just as Cici turns her back, there's a huge explosion from behind. Poor Chimberly is tossed across the room, dead, burning to a crisp. Irritating is heart-broken but Cici laughs so hard and slaps a high five with Clear, revelling in Chimberly dying Clear's foretold death instead.
CLEAR: Thank fuck, she was really getting on my tits.
CICI: I know, I went through this whole thing wishing you'd slap her…
CUT BACK TO:
INT. STONYBROOK INSTITUTION, CLEAR RIVER'S ROOM, NIGHT
Cici stands, grinning from ear to ear, envisioning the way FD2 should have ended. Clear looks unabashedly impatient. Cici notices the evil stare and her smile wares off.
CICI: What you looking at biatch?!
CLEAR: Are we done yet? I really need to be alone right now. I'm in the middle of grieving.
CICI: Ahhh, yes. Alex. It's a sin how he died, you know. I knew his stomach wasn't that expandable. His psychiatrist - the lovely Bree - was assigned to him immediately after the plane crash. He expressed his desire about wanting to binge out on food. Did you see any such signs of strain in your relationship with him?
CLEAR: No. There were no signs that indicated such a feeling.
CICI: You and your friggen signs! Because of those fucking things, Carter Horton is SIX FEET UNDER! It was all your dead boyfriend's fault! I mean, why couldn't that goddamn sign hit him?!
Clear gets extremely pissed and picks up the Legally Blonde DeeeVeeeDeee and extracts revenge on Cici. Cici shields her head with her hands, while Clear tries to claw at her face with her free hand. Cici smells the blood on her face then realises she has her legs free and swipes away Clear's standing ability. She falls flat on her back, and Cici jumps on top of her. She snatches the DeeeVeeeDeee from Clear and then whacks her across the head with it. Cici secretly admired Clear/Ali's hair for a long time. So just like the Creepy Thin Man from Charlie's Angels, she clamps onto a chunk of Clear's hair and pulls it out. Clear's scream almost bursts Cici's eardrums but the tough Scot manages to take the hair to her face and sniffs it just like Crispin Glover a.k.a. Creepy Thin Man. Satisfied, Cici pockets the blonde tresses into her back pocket and slips the DeeeVeeeDeee under her arm. She stands.
CICI: Now, for that House On Haunted Hill outfit I love so much…
Cici walks towards the door she entered earlier. She turns around and faces Clear, who is still sprawled on the floor, clutching at her head. A thin stream of blood trickles down her face from the wound in her head. Cici feels sorry for what she did but still grins like a maniac. She got what she came for…
CICI: Ali…I mean, Clear, sweetie, thank you SO much for being such a sport. I'll now go back to head office and hopefully my job will still be waiting for me. Oh and I'll ask those nurses to come and attend to your head…and to bring you a new wardrobe! Perhaps the orange prison outfit from Legally Blonde?
CLEAR: You'll pay for this! You'll be the one in the orange prison outfit you…animal!
Cici peeks her head out the door and looks at the sticker on the door. She easily peels it off and walks back into the room. She stands over Clear, and kneels down, hovering above her. She shows Clear the sticker and her blue eyes read over the words:
'DANGEROUSLY INSANE BEAVER: ENTER WITH CAUTION'
CICI: I'll think you'll find you're the animal, beaver. Read it and weep Sistah.
And with that, Cici turns on her heel and exits the room.