Hello.
Ever since Blaine can remember, he's seen his life as a big play. His house is one for dolls, his closet hides everything he's afraid of, his daddy dearest is the superhero and ready to save the day and his mummy sweetest is watching from the sidelines with pancakes. This is how it is, this is how it's supposed to be and Blaine doesn't think it's ever going to change.
But things do change and Blaine realizes that people are not what they seem and there's this thing called 'acting' and 'lying' and he finds out that both aren't that different of each other. Basically, Blaine realizes after so long, they're the same thing. And that's fine, oh that's fine. He watches people act and lie and do all these things with a fascination he should probably be scared of but he isn't. He feels disconnected, like he doesn't belong in this world. He doesn't understand himself, really. Not really. He likes boys, he likes girls but there's a difference every day and he wants everything to make sense - he does, but nothing ever does. Nothing ever, nothing ever does. And he's waiting every day. For this moment to suddenly pop up, this thought to suddenly enter his head and say: Hey, you like girls more and boys are your friends and you like football and your daddy loves you the most.
But the thought stays away and he just looks in his closet and he looks at his mother's dollhouse and he feels like he's slowly fading away as he grows up. Everyone changes, everyone realizes, everyone gets the thought he's waiting for but not Blaine. Never Blaine. He stays behind, watching out windows, seeing them figuratively pass by like birds on a cloudy day and he prays. He prays to be normal, every day. Goes to church on Sunday and recites the verses that might save him one day. Please God let me be like them, I'll do anything but it never happens, it never does.
After a while he stops caring, he doesn't give a damn. He walks through the rain, he laughs when it's silent and he sometimes forgets to breathe and he kisses boys because fuck it, do you hear me God? Do you see me now? Watch me fuck up your play. Watch me fuck up your script. He does it wonderfully, Blaine Anderson improvises because he's an actor and he's not a doll in his mother's dollhouse and he's not his father's sidekick. It's everything and yet it's nothing at all.
Blaine Anderson is not normal like all the other boys in his grade and he denies it but then he doesn't, because he's so angry all the time and no one understands so he needs to make them understand. And he kisses more boys and he forgets to breathe more but he doesn't laugh. He sings instead, screaming lyrics that don't mean anything to them but mean so much to his parents and they scold him. And daddy dearest uses his fist and tells him stop being such a faggot and Blaine just sings and sings and sings and tastes the blood on his lips as he welcomes the lyrics home. Things have changed for him andthey haven't but he can fucking pretend and he does it so beautifully.
Dalton is like Wonderland, like fucking magic wrapped in one fucking school and it's anything he wants really. Maybe he can stop pretending when he's there and he can, finally. Daddy drops him off at the gates and tells him Don't mess this up and Blaine only wants to say he will mess it up, just to be difficult. Just to be something to his father instead of this blank spot where his face is supposed to be, to be Blaine The Fuck-Up instead of Blaine-Who. But he stays quiet, nods and gets out the car with his clothing and he tells him bye because what-the-fucking-ever it's too late now anyway. Blaine doesn't go to Dalton because he wants to run away, really. The bullying wasn't even that bad, it was unpleasant, it was something of a pinch but not a case of "I need to get out, I need to get out". The physical abuse was a treat compared to the hell hole he had to get back to, a mother with empty eyes and an apron and a glass of wine and a father with a brief case and bloody fists instead of superpowers.
Dalton Academy is just another one of those places he'll just have to make his own because he has to and because they want him to and maybe especially because they don't want him to. Dalton is about fitting in, about being apart of the team but at the same time being a creative individual who helps others. And that's good, Blaine likes that, Blaine is like that.
He's a perfect student, Blaine is. His hair chopped short and gelled, his tie straight and his blazer smooth. It's something he's proud of, this amount of being together, looking together while he's in shambles on the inside. It's a skill he's picked up from his parents, he's a great actor. And if actor means liar, well then, that's fine. No one has to know.
When he sings though.
When Blaine Anderson sings, it doesn't matter if he looks composed and together and straight. Because the lyrics and the notes and the music are something else and they know him more than anything. Whispering come on Blaine come on show us and he shows them what it's like to be yourself and not to give a fuck and he dances and he twirls and he jumps on the fucking furniture. And no one says a word. Because at Dalton, Blaine soon realizes, the students need a superhero to look up to. And it just so happens that Blaine wants to be exactly that.
He is at home more than he's ever been anywhere else, greets everyone in the hall with a charming grin and a wave and maybe even a wink if he's in a good mood. And then Kurt Hummel comes along. Kurt Hummel.
Kurt is something new, his eyes are filled with something, Blaine realizes. Experience, maybe. But it's not just that, it's something else. It's something deeper, something darker. It's the want to be free of everything. Kurt is gay. You don't need to be Sherlock fucking Holmes to see that and so Blaine notices it right away and yes, he's interested. Kurt has something innocent and he likes that. Blaine sees Kurt when he makes his way down the stairs, the boy screaming not from here! and Blaine makes sure he walks past him at the right time, waiting for the excuse me? and when it comes he plays the part.
And then the fucking worst thing in the world happens. Blaine Anderson falls in love with Kurt Hummel. He gets hit all of a sudden by something he's never felt before, nothing compared to what he's dealt with in the past and he isn't sure if he wants to run or not. He's so close to breaking it off, but Kurt sees him as he is mostly. And Kurt needs a superhero in his life. So Blaine stays.
But Kurt doesn't need a superhero at all. Blaine realizes this in his expensive tux in this hall that smells of sweat and cheap perfume, the boy in front of him with drying tears on his cheeks and he says they can't touch me, they can't touch us. Only after kissing Kurt good night, driving back to Dalton and ending in his own dorm, Blaine understands that shit, Kurt doesn't need me.
Soon, the acting stops. And Blaine talks about the dark nights with the curtains closed and the broken records and the yelling voices downstairs and the breaking of glass and the endless spiral of why why why. And Kurt just listens. And if Blaine ever cries, well - he's forgiven.
Kurt vanishes to New York for a few days and daddy dearest calls up, his voice not changed a bit. Blaine listens the way Kurt listens but it's different, because isn't his daddy supposed to be the superhero here and where exactly has he been all this time. Mummy dearest tells him l love you and it lacks so much that it almost makes up for everything, but the slur in her voice is there and he knows that anything now will be gone tomorrow anyway. I'm perfect, Blaine says in the end and daddy dearest doesn't say anything else. And it's not thanks to you.
Blaine hangs up.
The next time he sees Kurt Hummel, he tells him I love you and it doesn't lack anything and it is sincere and it doesn't matter if anything and everything is fucked to pieces. This is all Blaine wants in the world and it's sitting right across from him.
I love you too.
Kurt doesn't need Blaine to be a superhero. He can manage that himself just fine.
Reviews are nice.