Hello!
I was going to post this fic as a long one shot but have decided to post it as a two or three shot. This is by far my favorite story I have ever written. I have an unhealthy attachment to it. I got so carried away writing this fic that I literally broke the X key on my keyboard.
You're on the phone with your girlfriend—she's upset,
She's going off about something that you said
'Cause she doesn't get your humor like I do.
I lay on Clarke's bed, propped up by several pillows, pretending to be engrossed in my worn copy of Carmilla. But I was distracted, by Clarke. She had her head resting on my lap and her feet hanging over the side of the bed. She was talking on her phone, I was running my fingers through her soft, golden hair. I told myself that it was a perfectly normal thing for best friends to do, after all it was a typical Tuesday night for us. What wasn't normal was how I had to consciously stop my gaze from falling to her lips or the bare skin of her shoulder, revealed by her baggy top.
Yeah definitely not normal.
I cursed myself for the inappropriate thoughts that regularly plagued my mind. I had tried to deny it for years but the truth was that what I felt for her was anything but friendly, somewhere along the line I had fallen completely in love with her. But to Clarke I was just her best friend. I was the girl she shared her lunch with on the first day of preschool and everyday since. She didn't see me that way.
"Look Lyndsey I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!" Clarke huffed, sitting up abruptly. I recoiled my hand, it was itching to run down the smooth skin of her shoulder and adjust her top or tuck the stray hair that hung in her face, behind her ear. Instead I peeked over my book to watch her. The crinkle in her brow and the way her jaw clenched tightly told me that she was frustrated.
I could hear Clarke's current girlfriend, Lyndsey bitching at Clarke through the phone for something Clarke had said earlier.
"Babe, I was just joking, I'm sorry, please don' be mad" Clarke begged. I hated seeing this side of Clarke, almost as much as I hated Lyndsey. Clarke had been different every since she started dating Lyndsey. They argued regularly and it always ended with Clarke apologizing, even when she wasn't in the wrong. She had started changing what she wore, the music she listened to and even what she said.
That's why I hated Lyndsey, it had nothing to do with the fact that she got to hold Clarke and to kiss Clarke and... No, no I physically shook my head, trying to rid myself of the unwanted mental image of that girl with my Clarke.
"Whatever, bye!" Clarke hung up her phone aggressively, pulling my from my thoughts.
She flopped back onto my lap, groaning in frustration, running her hands down her face.
"Ughhh" She huffed again.
"Everything alright?" I asked, pretending to still be interested in my book.
"She drives me crazy sometimes!" Clarke exclaimed, crossing her arms, her frown deepening.
"Trouble in paradise?" I asked, sounding snakier than I intended. "Sorry" I mumbled in apology. "What happened?" I tried again, putting my book down, ready to fulfill my role as 'best friend'. A title I had grown to dislike strongly, maybe even hate.
"I said something stupid, I thought it was funny but she didn't and got upset." Clarke rubbed her temples, my fingers once again itched to touch her skin. It was a permanent feeling these days. Instead I settled for patting her thigh.
"I'm sure it was funny, I would have laughed" I said shrugging my shoulders. She just rolled her eyes and groaned in exasperation again. Stop doing that! I screamed internally.
Clarke's humor was definitely an acquired taste I had to admit. When we were kids she always came up with the lamest jokes, that she thought were hilarious. Most of them didn't even make sense. I never told her that though. I always laughed at them, just to see her smile widely.
Okay maybe I had always been lowkey in love with her.
"I'm such a shitty girlfriend" Clarke scolded. I frowned.
"No you're not, she is just.." A bitch. "..sensitive". I chose my words carefully.
"Ugh I better go see her" Clarke said, dragging herself from my lap.
No come back.
I already missed her warmth.
"It's like ten o'clock Clarke," I said lamely, knowing that 10 wasn't late at all for Clarke. She had always been a night owl A morning person? Not so much.
"I have to or she will be shitty tomorrow." Clarke pulled on a faded denim jacket, flicking her hair out from the collar.
"I'll drive you" I offered without even thinking. I groaned internally, wanting to thump my head against the bed head. Stupid stupid!
"No, its alright. You stay here." She grabbed her car keys and handbag.
"Ill be back soon." She kissed me on my forehead and then left. I was to stunned from the forehead kiss to say goodbye. Friends could kiss each other on the forehead right? That was totally normal, I told myself, trying not to read in to it.
"You've got it bad Lexa," I groaned, tossing my book across the room. I scooted down on the bed, burying my face into the pillow. I inhaled deeply, only to be assaulted with her smell. Sweet and vanillary and totally messing with my head. I violently through the pillow from the bed now laying flat on the mattress. The smell was still strong, it was her bed after all, I reminded myself.
I could go home to my bed. Not that I had slept in it in weeks. I spent most of my nights at Clarke's house, I had for years. I would sleep in her bed or the guest room. Staying in the guest room was a relatively new development. When Clarke had asked why, I said something lame like 'we are to getting to big to share'. In truth it was my way of trying to distance myself, Clarke was a snuggler. I had spent many a night laying awake, my heart thumping violently in my chest as Clarke lay with her arms wrapped around me.
Her heady scent still lingered, causing all sorts of inappropriate thoughts. I stood from the bed with a sigh. I grabbed my book from the other side of the room, tossing the pillow back on the bed and then trudged down the hall to the guest room. I got comfortable and tried to concentrate on my book again but my eyes soon drifted closed, thoughts of Clarke lulling me to sleep.
"Lex.. Lexa," I was awoken by a sweet voice calling my name. "Lexa!". I opened my eyes to see the bedroom door open, light from the hallway spilling in and bathing the figure in the doorway in light.
"Clarke?" I asked my sleepy brain finally catching up with what I was seeing. Clarke was standing in the doorway calling my name. She was dressed in her pale pink and blue flannelette pajamas, her hair mussed from sleep and she was rubbing at her teary eyes. My heart broke.
"What's wrong?" I asked, pushing my hair from my face and sitting up slightly.
"I had a bad dream," Clarke spoke quietly. I didn't have to ask any more questions. I knew what she meant.
"Come here" I insisted, flipping the covers open slightly and shuffling to one side of the bed, to make more room. Clarke rushed from the door, jumping onto the bed. My breath hitched as she wiggled her way under the covers and scooted her warm body closer to mine. I stiffened as she looped an arm over my stomach and nuzzled her face into the crook of my neck. In that moment I was grateful for two things.
One, that it was winter and cold so Clarke was in long fuzzy pajamas and not the skimpy ones she tended to wear in warmer weather and two, that the room was dark and she wouldn't be able to see the way my cheeks flushed a bright red from her touch.
She sniffled and I new she was crying. I forced myself to relax and pretend having her warm body this close wasn't affecting me. My best friend was upset and I needed to comfort her and not be thinking about how good the hand resting on my lower belly felt or how much I wanted it to dip a little lower.
Mind out of the gutter Lexa!
Breathing deeply I wrapped an arm around her back stiffly. The way she made me feel, with her body pressed up against mine was exactly why I started sleeping in the guest room, but Clarke was in pain and needed me. Although it was tortuous having her this close, torturous to feel her nose and lips grazing my neck and her hair tickling my face, I couldn't deny her the comfort. I don't think I could deny her anything.
Never have, never will.
I knew she wouldn't want to talk about her dream so I just held her close while she softly cried. I could feel moisture from her tears on my neck and I felt horrible for being distant. So I threw all sensibility to the wind and wrapped my other arm around her tightly, pulling her closer until her head rested under my chin and her body was practically on top of mine, our legs tangled together.
"Shhh It's okay Clarke" I hushed softly, rocking her gently as she cried. Eventually her sniffling stopped and her breathing evened out. I thought she was asleep. I lay staring into the darkness, wondering what on earth I was going to do. I had it bad.
"I'm sorry I left earlier," Clarke interrupted my internal freakout.
Okay not asleep.
"Ah that's okay," I managed to speak. "did you sort it out?" I asked, not really wanting to know.
"Yeah we made up." The way she said 'made up' caused my stomach to do horrible flip flops, bile rising my throat. I stiffened again on reflex. "Sorry if that was TMI," Clarke apologised.
"It's... fine," I squeaked out. But it wasn't fine, it was the opposite of fine! I screamed internally. The though of her doing things with that girl only a few hours ago made me want to hurl. I swallowed deeply, tears burning my eyes.
"Lex you okay?" Clarke asked, obviously picking up on the tension in my body.
"Yeah. Fine. Just go to sleep Clarke." My voice was harsher than I wanted it to be, but it was the only way I could conceal the emotions I was feeling.
Once I was sure she was actually asleep, I closed my eyes, letting a few tears fall. In the early hours of the morning I eventually fell in o a restless sleep, Clarke still curled into my arms.
Life was cruel.
I awoke the following morning to hair tickling my noes and the same warm hand from the night before resting on the top of my rib cage dangerously close to... No bad Lexa! Bad thoughts!
I shifted slightly, only to be made painfully aware that Clarke's knee was pressed between my legs. Like I said, Clarke was a snuggler. I bit my lip, trying to pull myself together.
"Clarke it's time to get up" I croaked.
"I don't wonna." Clarke snuggled closer, her knee pressing even more firmly between my legs.
Oh god.
This time I was unable to stifle the gasp of pleasure. My eyes widened in horror as soon as I realized the sound I had made. Luckily Clarke was still half asleep and it appeared she hadn't noticed.
I needed to get some distance from Clarke before I did something inappropriate, like grinding against her knee, the way I desperately wanted too.
"Clarke you've got to move!" I all but begged, hoping Clarke wouldn't notice the desperation in my voice.
"But I'm comfy," she mumbled.
"I've gotta go to the bathroom!" I lied.
"Oh sorry." She rolled off of me, eyes still closed.
I let out a shuddering breath, leaping from the bed like it was on fire. I headed straight to the bathroom, in desperate need of a cold shower. Despite the cool weather I had been having a lot of cold showers lately.
I sat at the lunch table, ignoring my salad. Instead I stared at Clarke and that girl, who was sitting on Clarke's lap. I scowled as I watched the girl whisper something into Clarke's ear. Clarke smiled in response, but it wasn't a real smile. It didn't reach her eyes nor did it light up her face. Clarke looked across at me and mouthed 'sorry'. I just nodded and looked down, stabbing my lettuce with my fork, frowning as I sat alone. The only times I had ever sat alone were the few days Clarke had been sick and the week in elementary school, that we didn't speak, because we were fighting over who would dress as Hermione for Halloween.
When I was sure Clarke wasn't looking any more I glanced back up. Rolling my eyes at my own masochistic behavior. I couldn't help it. My eyes were drawn to her. Even though I was still mad at her for leaving me to sit alone. Lyndsey had insisted that Clarke sit with her and her friends. I thought Clarke was going to say no. I had expected her to say no. We always sat together. When she didn't say no I nearly fell over in shock. She looked at my silently asking for permission. I had nodded my consent numbly.
I stabbed more at my salad, shooting daggers at the girl. I didn't understand why Clarke seemed so infatuated with her. Okay that's a lie. The girl was undeniably hot. Tall, leggy, tanned and captain of the cheer squad. But that is all she had going for her. She was a snob and a bitch. The girl looked at me with a smug expression on her face. She smirked at me and then leaned forward, placing open mouthed kisses on Clarke's neck. Clarke lolled her head to the side, exposing more of her neck, and tangled a hand in the girls hair. For once I looked away, glaring down at my lunch.
"Jeez what did your lunch do to you, Green?" I heard a familiar voice ask. Raven. The only person who actually new about my plight with Clarke, or that I even liked girls. Somehow my best friend was completely comfortable with everyone knowing she was bisexual, but I couldn't tell her I was gay.
Go figure.
The time had just never been right. Before Clarke came out, I was afraid, worried about what people would think... and by people I mean Clarke. I was worried about losing my best friend, that if I told her, everything would change. And then one day while we were relaxing on her bed, she pulled the rug out from underneath me, by very casually mentioning how this super cute girl was totally flirting with her and she really wanted to ask her out. She had looked up at me with those big blue eyes, vulnerable yet hopeful. To stunned to really process what she was saying, I just nodded and told her to go for it. Missing the perfect opportunity to confess my own sexuality. I just couldn't get the words out. I desperately wanted to, but when I opened my mouth, nothing came out.
I wasn't strong or brave like Clarke. I was weak.
It has been so much easier before Clarke came out. It was so much easier to ignore my feelings when I thought Clarke was straight. But now, knowing made it hurt so much more. Knowing that I just wasn't her type of girl.
So close yet so far.
I looked from Raven towards Clarke and that girl and back down again.
"Ah I get it now, the salad isn't who you'd like to be stabbing. Still pining over Blondie then? Raven questioned, dropping into the seat next to me.
"I'm not pining," I defended. Rather unconvincingly.
"I totally get it, she's hot!" Raven smirked, picking at my lunch.
"I am not pining!" I snapped. Okay I was, but I wasn't about to admit that. Raven already new to much.
"Ookaaay, not pining, opposite of pining," she said, eyes rolling.
"I just don't like that girl," I huffed. "She isn't good for Clarke."
"Why? Because she isn't you?" Raven prodded. Hitting the nail right on the head, and she knew it.
"You know I regret ever talking to you."
"Aw, I thought we were pals," Raven said, bumping my shoulder with her own. "Gal pals," she teased, wiggling her eyebrows.
"Shut it!" I snapped again.
"Aw don't be like that, I'm just teasing. You're so tense, you know I could help you with that, help you relive some tension, you know help you find your rel-"
"Raven!" I growled, cheeks burning.
"Calm down, I'm just kidding, unless you ever actually want to, you know," Raven said pretending to be nonchalant.
The offer wasn't effecting me at all. Nope. There wasn't a familiar ache building between my legs. Okay maybe a little, I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. I was so not going there again, nothing had changed since last time.
"I'll pass" I said dryly.
"Suit yourself, I'll just leave you to your 'not pining'" Raven said patting me on the shoulder and walking away. I glared at her as she left. I was definitely not watching the way her hips rolled from side to side as she swaggered away.
I may be totally in love with Clarke, but I wasn't blind. Raven was attractive, scratch that, she was hot. My body remembered all to well how good her body felt. Wrong, but good.
A few months ago Clarke dragged me to some party. After watching her grind against to many people and then disappearing upstairs with some guy, I found the alcohol. Raven found me.
She had unabashedly flirted with me and in my slightly drunken and frustrated state, I flirted back. That's how I ended up on with her straddling my lap on some random couch, warm and willing. Our teeth clashing and hips grinding, her hand under my top, my hand tangled in her hair. It had been a welcome distraction, for once thoughts of Clarke had been pushed far from my mind.
Raven's hand snaked it's way into my pants, teasing me softly through my underwear. My hips bucked up into her touch, my grip in her hair tightening. When she slipped her fingers past my underwear and actually touched me, my brain nearly short circuited. I pushed against her finger, gasping into her mouth.
"Someone's eager," she chuckled, moving to suck on my neck. She stroked me once more before slipping a lone finger inside of me.
"Raven, oh god!" I moaned embarrassingly.
"Shhh Lexa." Raven's words snapped me back to reality, reminding me where we were. Sitting on someone's couch, where anyone could walk in. Oh god this was wrong! So wrong! With self control I hadn't known I possessed, I pulled away.
"Wait stop, I cant," Raven did stop, she slid her hand from my pants, looking disappointed
"It's okay if you haven't, you know before, we can go slow," she offered, nibbling on my neck.
"No it's not that, well it is but I can't I..." I looked away, tears pooling in my eyes. Mother always said love was weakness. She was right. I was so weak for Clarke.
Raven saw the tears in my eyes and, withdrew her hand from my pants and rolled off of me.
" Dude sorry I didn't mean to pressure you or anything," Raven apologized , now sitting on the other side of the couch. I rubbed at my traitorous eyes.
"It's okay you didn't." We sat in silence for a while longer, Raven sipping at a beer she had somehow ended up with.
"So girls aye?" Raven questioned. I just nodded. "You haven't told anyone, have you?" It was more of a statement than a question. I shook my head. "What about Clarke,you two are joined at the hip and isn't she like out and proud?" Raven prodded. I didn't know why I was talking to her.
"She doesn't know." I mumbled, swallowing the lump in my throat.
"Why?"
"I uh.." I stuttered. Because I'm in love with her! A voice in my head shouted.
"Oh... ohhhh, I get it your like totally in love with her or something" Raven joked,laughing as she sipped from the glass bottle. My flushed face and silence spoke volumes.
"Oh my god you are!" You're in love with Clarke Griffin!" Raven exclaimed much to loudly, bouncing a little on the couch.
"Would you shut your trap before someone hears you!" I said grabbing the collar of her shirt. "I swear to all of the gods If you speak of this to anyone I will kill you in your sleep!" I growled through clenched teeth.
"Ooo getting rough, Raven likey," Raven purred.
"Ugh your impossible! I am leaving now!" I stood on slightly shaky legs. "Clarke get your ass down here we are leaving!" I shouted up the stairs, ready to drag whatever guy was on her, off, so we could go.
Raven was still sitting on the couch making kissy noises when a bedraggled Clarke came down the stairs. I internally cringed at the red marks lining her neck and the way her top was incorrectly buttoned, obviously done in haste.
"What's going on?" Clarke asked looking slightly annoyed at being pulled away from her...activities.
"I don't feel well, I want to go," I lied.
"Oh okay, lets go" She said, her face softening as she took my hand and led me out of the house.
I shuddered at the memories. Great now I needed another cold shower.
Thank you so much for reading! The next chapter is written I just need to edit it.
I really hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it! Let me know what you thought! Reviews are like drugs!
I made a little photo collage for this fic you can find it here post/119598363780/you-belong-with-me-modern-clexa-au-clarke-and
As always you can find me at .com Don't hesitate to come say hi!