Dear butler,

Often these days, I have found my mind wandering from my scientific escapades. As a German lass, I may not be good with words because my English is not yet perfected, so allow me to express myself in my own manner. Bluntly put, I require your assistance with my experiments. I wish to explore your mean value. To integrate our curves to increase our volume. To discover our coefficient of friction. To change our potential energy into kinetic energy. To satiate your hunger by filling your empty valence shell till you are full. Day and night, you keep oscillating in my mind. I assure you this is no girlish whim. Before I met you, my heart was a null set, but now a force greater than gravity attracts my heart to you.

Yet, your suave, ambiguous words conjures so many ifs in my fanciful mind. Why do you make me search in vain for the implicit thens in your puzzles? Don't you sense this force of tension between us? Just think. You can be the variable to my coefficient. Together we can be cosine squared and sin squared - and make one. My fascination for you is like an exponential curve - unbounded, like a beautiful fractal or limit approaching infinity, like a monotonically increasing unbounded function, like dividing by zero- you simply cannot define it. La, do not consider me silly if sometimes I regards you as the squareroot of -1 because you can't possibly be real.

Oh, dear butler, how you enchant me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus! Your beauty cannot be spanned by a finite basis of vectors. It is as profound as Euler's analogy. Perfect as a golden ratio. A 180 angle has nothing on you -to me you are a 90 degree angle - ravishing and right in every way. Are you positive you're not comprised of Beryllium, Gold, and Titanium? Because I must say your countenance is breathtakingly be-au-ti-ful. As for the rest of your stature. Well, I daresay you possess a nice asymptote. Forgive my audacity, but perhaps... you wish to integrate my natural log, for you and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.

My darling butler, if your affections are not engaged elsewhere, pray tell - will you be the cation to my anion? Awaiting your response.

Attractively Yours,

Sieglinde Sullivan

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As a STEM major, I had way too much fun writing this.