Learning on the job
A/N: Nor sure about that this. Recently rewatched the episode where Henry jumps from the closet. I can't remember what it's called and cba to look it up but it got me thinking about how John didn't have a dad. All mistake are my own and all feedback is welcome.
Warnings: language
Disclaimer: not mine.
John didn't know how to be a dad. Hell, he didn't even know what it was like to have a dad. He hadn't wanted kids. He wasn't good with them: never had been. But Mary wanted a family. Wanted one more than ever after that fucked up night where her parents died and John had ended up on the ground without a clue how he'd got there. Always acted as though every second was vital and John had never figured out why. Surely they had all the time in the world? For reasons unknown, Mary was desperately chasing after some notion of normal John wasn't sure existed. She begged him for kids. And when he'd refused, she'd cried like the world was ending. And that was what had convinced him. Because Mary didn't cry. She was tougher than most marines he'd known despite being half the size and the idea of her running away from a spider was laughable. She'd promised that he would be a great father. They'd raise their kids together. Eventually, John has reluctantly surrendered.
It was the best decision he'd ever made.
Alright, maybe he wasn't gonna win any father of the year awards. He struggled with what was appropriate for Dean's age and when to say yes and no. He wasn't the most patient man and hadn't the foggiest what to do with 'owies' except tell Dean to man up. And sometimes when Dean wanted to 'fight', John forgot he wasn't even 5 and was a little too rough. But by the time Sammy was born, John figured maybe, just maybe, he was beginning to get the hang of this dad thing.
Then Mary was gone and he had to be both parents. He couldn't do this. He couldn't raise one kid, let alone two. What the fuck was Mary thinking leaving him with two boys? Mary was the one who made the friggin' PB&J sandwiches with the crust cut off and sang when the boys couldn't sleep for shit. She had the magic kisses and that tomato rice soup that tasted like shit when Dean was sick or hurt. She was the one who baked with Dean and cooked meals (or tried to because she couldn't cook to save her life). John didn't know how to be a dad without Mary…
… But he did know how to be a sergeant.
And that was almost the same thing, right?
A dad taught you the skills needed to survive life. And a sergeant taught you the skills needed to survive war. Well, now their lives were a fucking war. They were in a war against all the sons of bitches in existence. And, as a dad, it was his job to keep his sons alive. And making them soldiers was the best- no the only- way to do that.
John looked down at the four-year-old in his lap who was staring intently at the fire which had claimed his mother. "Chin up, soldier. We've got work to do."