My standard KP disclaimer:
I know Disney owns "Kim Possible"...lock, stock, and Rufus.
If they want to sue me, they have to get behind all my other creditors.
Since I am in south Florida, the line has formed to the right
…and goes all the way to Sacramento!
""""""""""
Opening notes:
-- -- -- -- -- --
1) Now that 'Fifth Grader' has run its course, it's once again time for another story… It originated as my entry in a 1996 song parody contest. The burglary scenario is a new and original story of mine.
Believe it or not, a generic version of this story was actually posted before any of my currently-existing submissions. Since I could not find a 'COPS' category (and did not know how to create one), I placed this under 'Misc. TV Shows'. This meant the story suffered from 'TFITW' or 'Tree Falls In The Woods' disease (you know…if a story gets posted on the FanFiction server and nobody reads it, was it ever really published?).
Looking back on the way it was originally written, I'm actually glad to get a second chance at this! I am much more satisfied with this tale since I infused it within the 'KP universe'.
-- -- -- -- -- --
2) I realize you have been FLOODED with requests to vote for certain writers or stories for the upcoming 'Fannies'...
Do NOT expect any of that from me!!
I write for the fun and passion of writing, not for politics, pandering, or propaganda.
Folks, I appreciate reviews MUCH more than votes for some 'drummed-up beauty pageant'. Reviews are evidence of actual readership, of people really caring enough to let you know what they think of your work. They (usually) give honest, thoughtful opinions, perhaps offering a fresh set of eyes and improving one's writing style.
Remember, no matter what I put here, it's still up to YOU, the loyal reader, to let me know what you want. Review me, e-mail me if you wanna reach me! If you want to 'PM' me, that's ok! (Sorry…got carried away there, but you get the idea.) Enjoy!
-- -- -- -- -- --
So the Reality: 'COPS'
Pete and William were partners on the force of the Middleton Police Department. On this day, they learned they would be sharing their cruiser with a cameraman who would record their entire shift. They tried to keep with their normal routine, acting as if the camera was not there. That did not, however, mean they were always successful.
The first scene showed Pete and William side by side in their patrol car. Pete was behind the wheel, playfully jabbing at his partner with his barbed comments.
"So, Willy," he began, "I know you've already applied for training with the NSA, FBI and CIA. What's next…the MIC, KEY, or M.O.U.S.E.?"
His partner gave Pete an extremely sour look as he responded.
"First," he growled, "my name is 'William'. I am not 'Willy', 'Billy', 'Bill', or even 'Billy-Bob'...
"Second, I have indeed applied to a couple of other 'top-secret' organizations. However, the very mention of their names could—"
His ranting was interrupted by the sound of the dispatch radio.
'PD-Four, PD-Four," blared the radio, "home invasion burglary in progress…2806 Tucker Street…Handle Code 3."
Instantly, William grabbed the radio microphone and responded, "PD-Four, Roger!" This prompted Pete to floor the accelerator while William flipped on the siren and lights.
Within minutes, they pulled up to the house in question. Pete and William saw a man just outside the front door. They quickly sprung into action as they approached the man.
HUH!!
Bad Boys
What you want...what you want...a-what you gonna do...
When the Fox Network come for you??
A look of utter terror swept across the man's face as he turned to Pete and said, "No...Wait a minute..."
Pete grabbed the man and turned to the camera and shouted, "Are you getting all this?"
William noticed the man attempting to squirm away from Pete's grasp. As he began hitting the man with his baton, he reminded the photographer, "Be sure you are getting my good side!"
Pete continued to wrestle with the man as he yelled back to William, "What good side?"
Tell me...what you gonna do?
What you gonna do??
The man continued to plead with the officers and said, "You don't understand! I—"
As the struggle continued, William took this moment to use his canister of pepper-spray on the man.
Yeah, yeah...
Bad Boys, Bad Boys
What you gonna do?
What you gonna do for the camera crew?
The man rose up for a brief second, his swollen face preventing him from saying much more than, "But…I'm—".
At that moment, William yelled for Pete to stand clear of the man. Once his partner complied, William utilized an experimental device called a 'Taser®'.
Bad Boys, Bad Boys
What you gonna do?
What you gonna do for the camera crew?
After a few seconds, William shut off the 'Taser®'. The man was screaming in sheer pain as Pete cuffed him.
Nobody now give you no break...
Director now give you no break...
And that cameraman, he give you no break...
Said he got to do it all in just one take...yeah, yeah
William read the man his Miranda rights as Pete picked him up. Momentarily forgetting his own strength, Pete threw the man into the patrol car. The force sent the man through the passenger doorway with enough force to have his head smash through the driver-side window before landing on the back seat.
Bad Boys, Bad Boys
What you gonna do?
What you gonna do for the camera crew?
Both officers took one arm of the suspect—or what was left of him—up the steps of the precinct building and into the booking room.
Bad Boys, Bad Boys
What you gonna do?
What you gonna do for the camera crew?
(Announcer, off screen): "COPS is filmed with the men and women of law enforcement. All suspects are innocent until proven bankrupt in a court of law!"
-- -- -- -- -- --
The cameraman followed the suspect through the booking process. As the man began to regain consciousness, he heard the monotone voice of Marvin, the booking officer. Marvin was muttering something as he searched his desk drawers for the correct paperwork.
As another officer was obtaining the suspect's fingerprints, Marvin took a fresh booking report out of his desk. This gave the suspect a few more seconds to clear the cobwebs from his mind.
"Ah," Marvin droned, "I see you are with us again. Before I get your information, I am legally required to explain the reason for your arrest.
"You are being charged with the burglary of the Marster house at 2806 Tucker Street. You are also charged with resisting arrest. Do you understand these charges?"
'Uh-huh…" was all the suspect could muster at that moment.
Marvin began asking the questions necessary to complete the report, the first one being, "First and last name?"
The suspect weakly responded, "Thad…Marster."
Without flinching, the officer continued right down the line. By this time, the fingerprinting officer finished her job and re-cuffed the suspect.
"Address?" Marvin intoned.
With a little more grit in his voice, Thad, the suspect, replied, "2806 Tucker Street. Driver's license...should still be in wallet...right-rear pocket."
Marvin walked behind the suspect's chair. Sure enough, the wallet was bulging in the back-right pocket. Removing it from the pocket, he took a glance at the identification inside. The license confirmed Thad's information.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Marvin said, finally grasping the obvious. "Are you saying..."
Thad gathered every bit of energy he could summon for one screaming outburst.
"YES!!" he shouted. "I'm the VICTIM!! I'm the one who CALLED you guys!!"
"Well," Marvin said as he tore up the booking report, "I guess you're free to go." He unhooked the handcuffs and led Thad to the front door of the precinct building.
Since his shift was over for the night, William was on his way out of the building. Seeing a weakened man near the entrance, he instinctively opened the door for Thad.
William waited a few seconds to make sure the man safely navigated the stairs before he turned toward the parking lot reserved for officers.
Just before William reached his car, a trap-door opened below him. He soon realized he was in a tube, careening in virtually every direction at once and approaching the speed of sound.
All at once, the tube came to a full stop. The severe braking caused William to unceremoniously flop out of the tube. He rose to meet the eyes—or rather, the eye—of a slender woman in a plum-colored uniform.
Rubbing his head from the impact caused by the tube, he asked her, "Where am I?"
The woman's reply was cool, yet polite as she extended her hand to shake his.
"Officer William Du," she said, "your application has been approved. Welcome to Global Justice!"
-- -- -- -- -- --
(END CREDITS)
CREATIVE CREDIT---'NON-ORIGINAL' WORKS
All 'Kim Possible' references---Disney.
'Mickey Mouse' reference---Yep…Disney owns that, too.
All 'COPS' references---Paul Stoyanovich Productions/Fox
Taser® references---Taser International, Inc.
'Bad Boys (Theme from 'COPS')'
Original music and lyrics by Ian Lewis
Originally performed by Inner Circle.
--- --- --- ---
CREATIVE CREDIT---ORIGINAL
'Samurai Crunchbird'
'So the Reality'
'Thad Marster'
'Samantha Seabird' (from the 'Prologue' chapter)
'Marvin' (the booking officer)
All parody song lyrics
ALL Copyright 2007 by Matthew Shrader
(Rights agent for Thad Marster, aka "The Samurai Crunchbird").
""""""""""
Author's ending notes:
1) In the original story, I started right as the officers pulled up to the house. I also ended it with the booking officer leaving Thad alone in the booking room, crawling out of the building with what little strength he had left.
Like I said, I like this version much better than the original. If you really want to read the 'rough-cut' original and compare the two versions, send me a PM.
2) I was originally going to feature Mrs. Dr. P. in an episode of 'Cash Cab'. Don't get me wrong! I am still one of the most rabid 'Anne Fans' in the known universe!! As far as I know, I even CREATED the term 'Anne Fan'!! I just think the format for that show wouldn't translate well to the written page. The whole 'question-answer' volley in such a confined area would become tedious after the first few blocks of the cab ride.
3) Watch this space, as it were...
Next week, I WILL post something!!
It may be 'Prologue' chapter for the upcoming 'Grand Finale'...OR it could be the first story of my new 'chRONicles' series, 'chRONicles: Lunch Lessons'.
If it is 'Lunch Lessons', the 'Prologue' chapter will appear the following week.
If it IS the 'Prologue' chapter, I will definitely release the first chapter of the 'Grand Finale' the week after this final 'Prologue' chapter.
4) The production of this story, like that for any work of fiction, is solely dependent upon the constructive feedback of its readers. If you like it, I will gladly make more. If you think of ways to make it better, I am always open to suggestions. If you really think it's a piece of garbage, stop me before I strike again!! Once again, Review me, e-mail me if you wanna reach me! If you want to 'PM' me, that's ok!
Your friend in writing, taking a bow as the curtain closes,
The Samurai Crunchbird