Ben 10 will always be the property of Man of Action, but the ownership of soulless Cartoon Network corporate overlords. I hope Hex comes back soon. So far he's the only villain of the reboot who attempted to remain vaguely in his original characterization instead of getting reduced to a comical petty thief. He broke out of prison since Riding The Storm Out. Go, Hex. Oops, spoilers. Yeah, who cares anyway. No one!
We begin at the ye old dilapidated Sunset Drive In which is now a Swap Meet for bargain hunters to find all sorts of stupid things to waste money on. Sadly, we find our heroes turned zeroes, the Tennysons, having been dragged there by the plot. And the plot wants Grandpa Max to gush over the place while reminiscing about Marrakech bazaars which were far more interesting, so there's that.
"Wow, look at this absolute crap," Ben said as he and his cartoonishly cute family walked the long stretch of booths in the swap-o-rama hell. He picked up something that looked like a wood carving of a winged frog mutant. "Looks like something Doctor Animo would have in his basement." He shook the peculiar item and listened to it rattle. Perhaps the content was fossilized brain matter.
Grandpa Max whipped out two handfuls of cash. "Here kids. Don't blow it on something stupid."
Ben grabbed his handful. "Blow it on something stupid, gotcha."
"Okay, kids. I have to walk out of the main focus of the story until I'm needed again. See you later," said Grandpa Max before doing exactly that. He completely vanished.
When Ben 10 2016 begins to suspiciously imitate bad fanfiction parodies I've made in the past, you know something is very wrong in the writer's room.
"I'm blowing my wad on this piece of crap," Ben declared while holding the hideous frog looking thing.
"Ben, no, that's two-THOUSAND DOLLARS...WHAT THE FUCK? TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS? FOR THAT PIECE OF SHIT? WHAT IS IT, MADE OF AFRICAN BLACK WOOD AND FILLED WITH PRECIOUS GEMS? JESUS CHRIST!" Gwen coughed a few times. "Sorry, the angry narration got stuck in my throat."
But, really now. TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS? FOR THAT PIECE OF SHIT! Who would pay that? That's ridiculous. Okay, I'm done.
"C'mon, we have to spend our money on some fantastic crap, Gwen," Ben said while shaking her arm eagerly.
"Why not wait until the toys for this series come out?" Gwen said while rolling her eyes.
"Zing!" Ben laughed. "I know, right? Can you say clearance rack within one week of sales?"
They gave each other a cousinly fist bump.
"Let us not forget the rapid burn of Omniverse's last few seasons after the toy sales dropped significantly. This reboot will fail on several dozen levels if it doesn't do something interesting within 40 episodes."
Two assholes who look like they spawned straight out of Family Guy's rejected background characters drove by in a tank for comical effect.
"Look what we somehow bought by putting our money together," said the younger douchebro to his father or whatever.
"Plot device," said the older fellow. Then they drove away.
Who the fuck brings a tank to a swap meet. For sale. A used tank. How is that even legal. No, it's not funny. The children deserve better than this. So do their parents who will be forced to watch. Also try and remember the names of Ben's aliens despite them now being annoying as hell and bland on top of it. This is probably why there's 10 now. A roster of 10 and that's it. Easier for the increasingly unintelligent children to remember. Or maybe the network wants it this way. The network assumes the children are idiots who can't pay attention for longer than 10 minutes and prefer mindless humor, fart jokes, and face plants instead of drama or engaging storyline.
"Ben, let's take that idea and run with it over the course of 11 minutes," Gwen said excitedly.
"Hell yeah, I want to buy a tank and some homing missiles," Ben shouted. His cash was burning a hole right through his palm. "Ouch! It hurts so good!"
"No, Ben. Not like that. Stay focused," said Gwen. "I mean let's put our money together."
"I am focused. Now let's make our money have the naughty implied intercourse" Ben touched his money to Gwen's and rubbed it around. "Someone's jacking off to this scene, I know it."
"BEN," Gwen yelled. "Stop being stupid for the sake of childish visual comedy only toddlers would find funny. Besides, some asshole already exploited these potential jokes in a previous parody!" She grabbed her now soiled money away from the heathen and shook her head. "No, we put our money together and use it to buy something cool that costs 20 dollars."
"It'd be better if we didn't have to spend any of this money but still got something awesome that we wanted here...and then had 10 remaining bucks each to spend on whatever else we wanted in the future," Ben said while staring into the sky. "I wonder if that will happen! That would be cool. You know what else would be cool? If we got attacked by a classic Ben 10 villain instead of these new lame ones nobody cares about who don't have several years worth of previous canonical established characterization and will never get any because this new show is only 11 minutes long."
Suddenly, Hex.
Everyone who was watching this reboot to see some of the redesigned classic villains returning sighed a huge sigh of relief as they saw Hex wasn't very mangled from his original design or characterization. Unfortunately for the purists, he was no longer voiced by the great Khary Payton. But he was voiced by Robin Atkin Downes...so it kind of works out? Depends on if you like him. The voice fits, though I prefer Khary Payton.
Hex floated though the hordes of stinking unwashed vapid millennial Family Guy reject background characters wasting their money at the shitty swap meet calling it like he saw it.
"I have no idea how I got here, or what fresh hell I've been placed into. It looks very bright, cartoony, and embarrassingly toddler-friendly. This informs me early on I'd better get as much fictional violence out of my system as possible before this episode ends and I'm regulated to cameos from then on for being too 'scary' for the kids. In the meantime, I'm going to find my artifact of power plot device and blow this place off the face of the map," Hex announced. "Plebeians!"
Oh, Hex. You're a great character. Please don't let this show ruin you.
Hex floated through the swap meet menacingly as everyone else around didn't pay much attention to an evil master magician defying gravity before their very eyes. As it doesn't seem anyone in the show is impressed by monsters or weird shit popping up right in front of them which sort of takes all the action and intrigue of the premise, doesn't it? Sigh. What's the point of superheroes fighting monsters and chaotic evil from other dimensions or whatnot if it's every day fair in this universe? Kid shows these days, man. No creativity. No excitement. No originality. That's where there's so many dumbed down reboots popping up over the years that insult the originals and their fans.
And then this happened.
Good old Prospector Pete walked up to Hex and inquired, "Hey, City boy. Can't help but notice you're lookin' fer some fancy kinda gloves!"
"I'm looking for gauntlets. More specifically, The Titan Gauntlets," Hex said through his ominous leitmotif. "I don't have time in this show to weave any other interesting backstory on them which could have been nice to see in any other Ben 10 incarnation but this one, so now I've got to announce everything and get the exposition out of the way for the stupid children. Not that they care. All they want to see is Ben Tennyson going aliens," He sighed. "Anyway, show me the gauntlets, you agitating chip-toothed hick."
"Here's some boots," said Prospector Pete trying to get in that upsell.
"You clearly heard me inquiring about Titan GAUNTLETS...and yet you now show me a hideous pair of cowboy boots. If this was supposed to be for comical effect, it failed on many levels. This writing is insulting to my character and I will not stand for it," Hex said as he snarled and produced red flames with his fist. He burned the boots to ash and then explained the Titan Gauntlets in a bit more detail. So I don't have to write it. "Now give me the gauntlets so I can rule this earthly plane!"
Prospector Pete had a dull look like you'd expect on a fictional character solely created for unfunny comedic relief. "Oh! My bad. Misinterpreted your style. Don't y'all fret. When it comes to fashion, I gots just the thing for earthly domination!"
He pulled out a pair of white leopard skin fur and leather chaps.
"These'll fulfill your wildest domination fantasies, my friend. The ladies are really into these assless chaps!"
Hex screamed and unleashed a red aura of fury that knocked down everything within a 15 foot radius. "THIS IS NOT WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR, YOU CRETIN! AND ASSLESS CHAPS IS A REDUNDANT TERM."
Prospector Pete recoiled somewhat. "Uh, well...They're popular with the alternative lifestyle folks, too if you're not into the ladies."
"Enough of this BULLSHIT," Hex yelled.
He magicked the entire place, causing an assortment of stuffed toys and furniture to come to life. Ouch, the kiddie filter on this show is killing the spirit. Remember when the classic Ben 10 villains got to be frightening for your average 5 year old? Yeah, kiss those days goodbye. We're in kiddie cutie cuddle town.
Everyone screamed and ran from the various nonthreatening sentient yard sale items with red eyes and teeth. It wouldn't scare a baby. Poor Hex floated there while looking like he wanted to be anywhere but here, trapped in this show. Trapped in a parody fanfiction of the episode of this show. Poor Hex. I'm sorry, Hex.
Some biker guy named Hector ran past with an evil armoire with teeth chasing him.
The scene returned to Ben and Gwen goofing around with more weird taxidermy junk that shows up a lot around swap meets since they've been stereotypically placed in many cartoons I've watched that feature swap meets. I have never been to a swap meet that didn't contain five or six vendors with replica swords, but I have never seen this taxidermy stuff. Ever. Not that I've been to many swap meets. They tend to smell like rotting cheese and bootleg DVDs and various stolen merchandise being sold out of the back of shady vans.
"Unwilling penetration of the ear canal," Ben whispered near Gwen's ear as he poked a two headed taxidermy snake in it.
"Cut it out, Ben," Gwen said angrily as she slapped the snake away. "We've got about 8 minutes to find something to buy and finish this stupid episode, so quit messing around."
They went into a short montage trying to find people's old garage trash to purchase that both of them would be willing to go home with. There was a nonsensical Wildmutt meta reference as a mask. It was there to spite the fans of Wildmutt. He's not showing up in this series. Firstly, he cannot speak. Thus he cannot make pitifully stupid puns every five seconds in Max Mittelman, Daryl Sabara, Josh Keaton, or Greg Cipes' voices. Secondly, there was no way they could humanize Wildmutt without ruining the character. They've already managed to do that with Stinkfly and Wildvine. Having a third would be far too obvious. And that, children, is why Wildmutt is not one of Ben's original roster aliens in this reboot. But perhaps it's a good thing since he's been spared the pain of getting mutilated and having his potential sucked away for the sake of pushing a new toyline.
"Look, Ben," Gwen said as the plot moved forward another few inches. "A tent full of more plot devices!"
Ben gasped as he saw the world's greatest thing in existence: A Sumo Slammer's Slushy maker. See, we're making references to the original series. Ben loves Sumo Slammers. Grandpa Max makes gross food occasionally. By occasionally, we mean once so far. Old villains we know and love sometimes return for five minutes. Sometimes they don't appear in the actual episode, but at least they get referenced or a semi-cameo. Gwen isn't a joyless and empty ultra cutified version of herself...sometimes. Huzzah.
MoA wept gently into their large stacks of money as they begged you to forgive their sins.
"Ominous misdirect," said Cree Summers as a hippie-gypsy woman who you probably thought was going to use Hex's book for sinister purposes but she only wanted to sell it to someone at a ridiculously low price. She held up a shiny major plot device. "I have these powerful golden gloves that might come in handy in a couple minutes."
"I want to buy these roller skates," Gwen whined.
"Sumo Slammer Slushy Maker," Ben grunted.
They continued to squabble like the small annoying children they are for plot fulfillment.
Elsewhere few feet away, Grandpa Max came back into the story. He was buying a stupid rainbow snail thing. Why, we may never know or care to find out. But he looked very cute and silly. Whatever. His dilated pupils make him look like he's on a lot of drugs. This makes it more amusing that so many of the characters new designs make them appear to have ways of coping with being in this show. Don't know if it's intentional or me reading too into it. It's funny, either way. I'm making it my headcanon. Everyone on the Ben 10 reboot is on drugs to ease the pain of being on the Ben 10 reboot or has the "I don't give a fuck" look on their faces and their attitude matches.
Nobody gives a fuck about the Ben 10 reboot. The characters themselves aren't interested in performing. Sigh. All of the try-too-hard forced comedy, none of the action or storyline. Welcome to 2k16-2k17 cartoons.
"What's going on here?" Grandpa Max inquired to his grandchildren.
They started talking over each other while making increasingly stupid reality-immersion breaking cartoony faces.
"Moral exposition," Grandpa Max explained to them.
They all noticed everything was erupting into mayhem in the swap market and people were running for their lives while being chased by living stuffed animals. That overpriced frog thing had come to life as well.
"Somewhere Doctor Animo's jacking off to this," Ben muttered.
"Whoa, how come we didn't notice any of this going on around us until right now," Gwen inquired.
"Because we have the collective IQs of a pastrami sandwich now," Ben said.
"Oh no, I hate pastrami," Gwen said.
"Maybe we should get going," Grandpa Max said.
"Grandpa, how could you?" Gwen shouted, looking horrified. "All these innocent people getting chewed on by weird living stuffed animals and furniture. You'd just let them get attacked while we slunk away like apathetic jerks?"
Grandpa Max stared blankly. "Yes," he said.
His grandchildren gasped again.
"But I need to fight people! That's the point of the show," Ben argued.
"It's the writing. Curse this God-AWFUL writing!" Grandpa Max wailed as he threw his hands into the air and collapsed to his knees. "I was a Plumber! Magister of Earth! I battled Vilgax before Ben! I had dignity! What happened?"
"I used to be able to do things instead of yelling and giggling idiotically and being completely obsequious unless the plot calls for me not to," Gwen said with a sad frown.
"We all had dignity, once," Ben said as he placed his hand on his grandfather's shoulder and Gwen's as well. He lowered his head somberly. He then raised his head and looked determined. "We won't let them take any more dignity away from us."
This statement was followed by a visual gag time ticker that appeared in the corner counting down to Ben's next indignity.
"Aw, man," Ben groaned.
Hex was talking to a pair of dumb gigantic living stuffed animals as if they had brains enough to follow his commands properly. He face palmed, leaving a fantastic reaction image to exploit.
"This is the worst Ben 10 episode I have ever been in," Hex said. "I am so frustrated." He brought up his flaming book of spells and opened it to a page. "I'm going to explain the Titan Gauntlets again, LOUDER this time, and with an accompanying picture so the kids at home can get it. And also so Ben and Gwen can understand that the gloves they found in that tent were a major plot point." He gestured at the magical floating image of the Titan Gauntlets. "SEE? THESE? I WANT THESE. SO I CAN WEAR THEM ON MY HANDS. AND FUCK SHIT UP! It's the only cool thing I get to do in this episode."
"Oh no, it's one of the old school villains, Hex," Ben said. "Thank goodness! So far all the new villains have been offensively uninteresting. I wish they'd stop shoving them into our faces and stick with the ones everyone knows and loves who also have more well developed backstory and are endearing to us in various ways the new villains are not, and never will be. Again, 11 minute show. And they're not even trying to make the new villains interesting. Just...weird and stupid!"
"They have to sell new toys, Ben," Grandpa Max said.
Ben flailed his arms. "But! WHO'D WANT TO BUY A TOY OF THAT FUCKING BUG-HEADED COCKROACH DUDE OR THE COCKROACH-HEADED FAT MAN? Honestly! It's stupid!"
"Clearance rack, for sure," Gwen said while starting at Hex. "I probably won't get a figure."
"No female character will," Grandpa Max said. "And if they do, I'll be shocked. If they sell, I'll be more shocked."
"Okay, back to the plot at hand. I'd like to get out of this parody of this awful show soon," Ben said while he waved his arms in front of his cute but annoying family. "Gwen, say your line."
"Oh, right. Those are the overpriced gauntlets from that hippie-lady's booth." She pointed to it.
"Bypassing the childish squabbling to get to the action fight scene which is the only reason anyone would watch this show," Ben said as he transformed into Diamondhead and went to kick Hex's ass.
"And...back out of the scene again so Ben can take the spotlight," Grandpa Max said as Gwen grabbed his hand and lead him to the booth with the main plot device.
"Hey, Hex, did you get reverse plastic surgery or something, 'cause your nose is fucking HUGE and your eyes are on your forehead," Ben yelled up at him.
"Shut up, you welp! I can't help the way I'm drawn," said Hex. "Blame the character designers. By the way, you're one to talk. You pug-nosed fish-eyed cartoony monstrosity. You should stay in the alien forms because they look ironically more human than your human form."
There was a rim shot out of nowhere.
"Hey!" Ben yelled. "I'm cute and relatable! To ages 2-10."
The stuffed animals roared and started running at Ben. Diamondhead's shards easily turned them into shredded cloth material and stuffing.
Hex blinked. "Why did I think that would be threatening or functional in any way?" He slapped his forehead. "Confound this horrid writing. It's making me look idiotic!" He shook his hand with the book in it into the air. "I am a Master Magician! This is beneath my dignity!"
"You and me both," Ben said as he jumped into the air and punched Hex.
Hex made a shield at the last second. The force of the blow knocked them both flying in different directions. Ben went hurling into a tent and smashed it. Gwen and Grandpa Max were running conveniently right there and stopped short of getting smashed by Diamondhead.
"Bitchy and naggy stereotypical female bullshit that makes me highly unlikable to the male and female audience," Gwen yelled at Ben.
"I'm just gonna stand here and not blink," Grandpa Max whispered. "Okay, maybe I'll blink once. Ah, that felt good."
"Fuck you and that watch, Ben Tennyson," Hex shouted as he grabbed Daimondhead with a magical aura, lifting him several dozen feet into the air.
"Check out this awesome but brief fight scene. It's literally the one single memorable part of this episode," Ben yelled as he and Hex fought. "And the only real fictional violence you get to see in this whole show from now on. I'm serious. This is currently the best fight. Please, God, tell me Vilgax shows up one day. Otherwise we do not have a lot to look forward to, except the show being cancelled."
"This fight is awesome but ever so brief," said Hex before Ben punched him. He did an aerial back flip and unleashed a burst of magical energy which knocked Diamondhead into a table. "And now it's over."
"More loud bitchy and naggy stereotypical female bullshit that makes me highly unlikable to the male and female audience," Gwen said again. "Wow, fuck this characterization of me. I have two modes: Harpy shrieking bitch and ultra cuddly obsequious doormat. Is that what the writers interpreted from my years worth of previous characterization?"
"Another tired forced squabble between me and Gwen," Ben yawned as he waved dismissively. "Hurry it up, will you? I want to get back to fighting. I don't get to do it much anymore."
"If I was using the watch, I would have beaten Hex by now," Gwen asserted.
Lord, here we go.
"If you were using the watch, Ben 10 as a franchise wouldn't have existed. Gwen 10 would not have sold to the general public, Gwen. Remember that whole thing about females in media and how no one likes them?" He placed a hand on her shoulder. "Do we need to have that talk about Legend of Korra again?"
"All right, enough of your petty bickering nonsense," groaned Hex. He developed a sinister expression complete with wicked smile of devious intent. "Hey, remember that episode of the OS, A Change of Face? Except I'm doing it instead of my niece. I also have her spell book now." He held it up and waved it. Yep, that used to be Charmcaster's old magic spell book. Oh boy. "There's about a 96% chance she won't show up in this series. That would suck, but oh well. At least I made the cut." Hex raised his arms and cast a body-swap spell. "Hahahaah! Let's see you save the world with a vagina, Tennyson. An utter impossibility."
Ben woke up twelve seconds later in Gwen's body. He screamed. He grabbed his head and shook it. "OH FUCK! IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN! BUT THIS TIME IT'S WORSE! GWEN LITERALLY CANNOT DO ANYTHING IN THIS SHOW THAT INVOLVES FIGHTING! LIKE SHE'S NEVER TAKEN KARATE LESSONS OR FUCKING ANYTHING! SHE HAS NO MOVES FOR ME TO BE IMPRESSED BY! OH MY GOD!" Ben started doing the Home Alone scream.
"I also can't use the Omnitrix at all because it's apparently too complex for my sad little female brain, unlike when I managed to do well enough in Gwen 10 scenarios and Change of Face, except for Canonbolt where I admitted it takes some getting used to to control the shit and Ben was doing pretty good with it for as long as he had it," said Gwen. "But I wasn't as depressingly incompetent as I am here." She put her face in her hands and started to cry. "Why, God, why? This show is ruining us completely. But mostly me!" She sobbed harder.
"Vagina, Gwen," Grandpa Max reminded her.
"Boys don't cry buckets of tears and get hysterically overly emotional at the drop of a hat, Gwen! Stop that," Ben shouted at her.
Grandpa Max placed his hands on Ben and Gwen's shoulders. "The only lines of dialogue I have in this show are expository or terrible forced puns. It's very frustrating. Am I ever going to be a badass grandpa again?"
"In this show? Probably never," Ben grunted. "C'mon, let's not waste another seven sentences of canon filler dialogue and get the magic gloves so we can beat Hex in the remaining 4 minutes of the show."
They ran back to the hippie-lady's booth and Grandpa Max instantly located the gauntlets. "Got 'em. Wow, pricey. Good thing I'm a master of haggling."
"We don't have time for this," Ben yelled before he grabbed the gauntlets. "Seriously, a pissed off evil master magician is on the loose outside looking for these mystical power gloves so he can rule the world, and you guys were setting up another haggling joke?" He glared at the hippie-lady and his grandpa. "Priorities, people!"
Ben in Gwen's body put on the gloves and started showing off their powers. "Awesome. Pay close attention, folks. This is also the only time in this show you're ever gonna see Gwen do anything cool. And it's because I'm in her body."
"What a fucking rip-off," Gwen muttered while folding her arms. "They can't let me use the Omnitrix properly? Why? Last time I did the Gwen 10 thing I overshadowed Ben by learning the moves too fast without burning down a forest and you're never going to let me live it down? It was a NON-CANON EPISODE anyway, for fuck's sake."
"At least you don't turn into hyperfeminized, big-breasted, pink versions of all my aliens because you're in my gloriously male body," Ben said while shrugging. "Plus if they made a Gwen 10 show these days, all you'd be doing is holding hands while talking about FEELINGS to the enemy. That's what girl's action shows are made of. Oh, and promoting lame fashion accessory stuff instead of real toys," Ben said and laughed. "And the entire thing would probably take place in high school. For some reason the networks think girls are obsessed with that. Though, realistically, high school will be the absolute worst time period of any teenage girl's life. Coincidentally, so is marriage and child birth, though those also get aggressively romanticized in female oriented media. Surely there's no agenda."
Gwen glared at the cold and disturbingly undeniable truths Ben was spouting. She wished she had a laptop so she could go complain somewhere on social media. But in this series, she doesn't have one. No more Tumblr jokes. I'm kidding! Wait until the smartphone episode.
"Speaking of the Omnitrix, no one's called it the Omnitrix yet or shown you finding it which is sort of odd for a reboot that wants to change everything and yet expects the audience to be familiar with the old show which is why they're never explaining anything pertinent to the original series," she said. "And they've got 31 episodes to go. Let's hope they've got something good planned down the road or they're going for a second season regardless of low toy sales or ratings. There is no way to cram much cohesive plot into these episodes with this time limit."
"They're not trying that hard to make things interesting anyway," Ben said. "Or have you not noticed?"
"Oh, I've noticed a lot of things," Gwen said. Gwen looked down at her clothes. "For example, kind of ironic in this show I'm now dressed like a tomboy when I couldn't be farther from it in personality and behavior. I'm oddly dressed for action that I don't participate in at all. Seems like a complete waste of a reinterpreted character design."
"Speaking of wastes...I miss Vilgax," said Ben. He shook his head. "I mean, I might not know about him yet. Or maybe I do, but don't consider him to be a threat. It doesn't seem that any criminals or villains are a threat to us on this show. Though some clearly have sinister powers and are willing to use them to endanger people, like Hex."
"Nobody knows what's going on in this show," Gwen said with disappointment. "It really is Shit Just Happens Because Uuhhhh We'll Get Back To That: The Series."
"Buy the toys," Ben shouted while giving a thumbs up.
"They'll be on clearance after the first couple weeks," Gwen said while also giving a thumbs up.
Meanwhile, several dozen feet away outside, Hex caught the scent of Titan Gauntlets activating. "Gasp! Someone's wearing my gauntlets. How dare they!" He started flying toward the tent.
Back inside the tent, Ben was using the gloves to juggle Grandpa Max into the air.
"I'm not comfortable with this," Grandpa Max said.
"Bitchy and naggy stereotypical female bullshit that makes me highly unlikable to the male and female audience!" Gwen yelled at Ben yet again while shaking her finger.
"Jesus Christ on a tortilla, Gwen! You're in a boy's body. How are you being this catty and bitchy and naggy and annoying? Isn't the testosterone doing anything for you, or is it too low level?" Ben complained. They are pushing this trope hard and it's annoying as shit. "Sorry I can use weapons better than you when I've only had them for a few minutes because I'm male. I'm aggressive, confident, and I take risks. Also I'm written more competently. Even when I'm not. It's not my fault there's a good chance I will succeed at something I attempt regardless of caution or finesse. So why don't you quit nagging at me and practice a little with the watch before we go fight Hex seeing as I have experience with fighting and you're going in blind."
"I don't need practice. I've got female empowerment," Gwen retorted. She tried to go Grey Matter without dialing the watch. She turned into Four Arms, stumbled under her own weight, and fell on her ass. "Oh no, my bratty female know-it-all trope based overconfidence has become comical ineptitude resulting in failure! Female empowerment has betrayed me! Now I am humiliated! And everyone with a vagina watching this show will feel secondhand embarrassment!"
"First off, you didn't even bother to dial the watch. You literally yelled Grey Matter and slapped it like that would work," Ben said. "At least when the plot calls for me to accidentally transform into the alien I didn't want, I dial the watch first. And second, this is a new generation 10 minute goofy random humor based boy's show. Female empowerment is nonexistent here. Welcome to sexist stereotypes and shitty writing galore now that toys are more gender segregated than ever before, so naturally most of the cartoons will reflect that. And third...INCOMING!"
Four Arms was struck by a blast of red sparkly magic energy and got knocked away again. Good thing for Ben Hex thought he was talking to Gwen. He didn't give her an immediate violent smackdown.
"Give me the Titan Gauntlets, child, so I can blow up the swap market. Then I'll reshape the earth to eradicate this terrible show from the face of it," Hex said.
"That's honestly tempting," Ben said. "But I can't let that happen."
He started running as Hex threw more magical hurt beams at him. He jumped into the air in a dramatic action punch scene that's not actually Gwen but it could look cool if taken out of context. Poor Gwen. She got so screwed over by this series. Everybody did. But Gwen more so.
Ben in Gwen's body punched Hex straight in his ugly skeleton tattoo face and grabbed him by the tails or whatever those things are of his cape slash hood, dragging him out of his flight trajectory toward the ground. It was an awesome action scene.
Maybe the reboot Lucky Girl will involve Gwen herself getting to kick stuff and be cool again. Ha ha, who are we kidding? It's going to suck donkey balls.
"Whaaarrgh," Hex yelled in surprise as he and Ben in Gwen's body fell.
"Ben, help, I'm too stupid to know what to do or make an educated guess! You've gotta tell me," Gwen yelled.
"Oh, Gwen. You poor girl. How are you written to be this impossibly stupid? Four Arms is a fighting slash wrestling alien. You should know that. He punches or grapples things. Or, as the network ending logo's stinger likes to emphasize, he also throws things. In short, START PUNCHING THE AIR AND I'LL MAKE SURE HEX GOES IN THAT GENERAL DIRECTION!"
"Okay," Gwen said. She started desperately punching the air until she got a lucky hit on Hex as he came flying down after Ben threw him.
"Yay, I did it! Thank you, temporarily borrowed penis, for giving me some semblance of competence," Gwen cried.
"All right! High five!" Ben yelled. He high-fived Gwen in his own body while wearing the metal gauntlets and broke two or three of the bones of his own hand. "Oops."
"Ow!" Gwen gasped with a little anime tear in the corner of her eye.
Hex grabbed them both with another spell that put red glowing binds around them.
"Now if you'll excuse me, I'm taking my magical plot device and doing some neat evil shit with it for the span of forty seconds." He snatched the gauntlets from Gwen's hands with magic.
"Hey!" Ben yelled. "Great, I'm useless now. Well, except for complaining and being naggy and shrill. Gwen's sure got that down as an inherent skill."
"It's not my fault," Gwen said. "It's a negative stereotype induced by poor writing for female characters! Also wide spread societal misogyny. But the less spoken about that, the better."
"Yes, because I do not care about things that do not and thankfully never will affect me," Ben said. "And sadly, neither does the author."
Man, that shit's been going for well over 2,000 years of human history. What the fuck do you want me to do about it? Some things don't change. I can point them out in a bitterly derisive manner, but something else has to happen on a large scale to do anything about it, and nobody wants to take mass-action. So continuous jokes ridiculing that fact it is.
"Look, now my eyes are freakier and slit like a cat's and they glow red. It looks awesome together with my sharp teeth," Hex announced. "I'm high on power. It feels amazing." He turned around and blew up a bunch of garage sale tables. He then unleashed his pent-up wrath upon the plebeians of the swap meet. Everyone watching this show could relate. We hate all these stupid irrelevant background characters. Fuck them all. "Die! All of you, market swine! Plebeians!"
He shot a magic evil beam at the hippie-lady. Oh thank goodness, Grandpa Max finally did something heroic and jumped to save her life. That's...one. I'll put it on the tally list.
"There's hope for me! I can be a badass grandpa after all," he said.
Hex laughed sadistically while blowing up every piece of dumb shit around him. Including the idiots who bought the tank way back in the beginning of the episode, but for some reason were still driving around the place in the tank. Yes, that long to set up another boring unfunny visual gag.
"Ha, I blew up those idiots' tank," Hex gloated. "All that money you both lost buying that ridiculous impracticable thing placed here for the sake of lowbrow comedy. And now it's destroyed. Feel the burn, fools. Both in your wallet and on your flesh."
"Wow, Hex is the only villain to do something realistically dangerous in this show," Gwen said. "No wonder these aired out of order. The first two episodes were completely boring and dumb in retrospect. This is the hook episode."
"Exactly," Ben said. "Okay, now you've got to use the watch."
"Ben, I can't. I've learned the errors of my ways and accepted that I have a vagina and am therefore useless and inept in every way possible," Gwen sobbed.
"I told you, stop doing that in my body! It's making my skin crawl," Ben said as he dry heaved. "Look, I'll hold your hand. I mean, figuratively, not literally. The incest shippers will start jacking off to it. Anyway, I'll keep telling you how to use the watch so you don't fuck up. Come on, Gwen. This is one of your few moments to be halfway the slightest bit cool. There's one upcoming Lucky Girl episode, and it literally contains the word BRIEF. This show is not your friend. It's no one's friend. Hell, it's not even my friend. And I'm the star. This show treats me like a complete moron. Also it won't let me thrash things anymore. Did you see how much they toned down the violence?"
"I'm scared," Gwen said.
"Just do it!"Ben shouted. "We only have three minutes!" He activated the watch and dialed it. He slammed the button and turned Gwen into Upgrade. Upgrade is purple now, so it's different. Such a reboot. Buy the toys, kids. Clearance rack. Watch it be a single wave before it gets canned. It's the whole reason they're showing it overseas first. Ben 10 sells better over there. But with this show, odds are not good at all. "Good thing this magical rope thing left my watch hand sticking out conveniently so we could activate it."
"How do I use Upgrade?" Gwen asked.
Ben explained it in slightly more detail, giving us a vague idea of how it works. Uprade is a state of mind. Apply that your fanfictions, everyone. Not that anyone writing Ben 10 fanfiction cares about that sort of thing. Okay, maybe two people.
"Cool, said Gwen.
"Okay, now that you've got lessons, have fun fighting Hex. Who is on a bloodlust-filled tyrannical magical power trip right now, blowing up mountains in the distance. Good luck!"
Gwen turned around, gulping nervously.
Hex made a giant magical energy ball, rolled it over the smoking few remnants of the swap meet, bounced it into the air, and blew up a fucking mountain in the distance. Damn. We're not going to see him as central villain in another episode for a long time, are we? Hopefully he comes back for the Lucky Girl episode or Charmcaster shows up and doesn't suck.
"Holy shit," Gwen screamed. "I think I pissed myself but I'm not sure how!"
"Hang on, I'm using my male brain trapped in this girl's body to come up with a good idea to save the day," Ben said. "Cut away already."
The scene returned to Hex who was seriously the only intimidating villain on this show so far. I can't emphasize that enough. That is amazing. It's like he's somehow staying in character amid all the cartoony nonsense going on around him. In lieu of Vilgax's appearance, he's now my top tier villain of this series for acting like a realistically threatening villain, not a comical petty thief. Go Hex! You rock, my magical man.
"Oh my God. We're in real danger! He's gonna blow up the whole city! We'll be killed! I thought this was an extremely G-rated kid's show with an emphasis on goofy random humor Cartoon Network loves to push down our throats so much," the hippie-lady observed in a panicked tone.
Grandpa Max grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her. "This is all your fault! What the fuck were you doing with an ancient artifact of unfathomable power at a swap meet? Trying to sell it to some poor unsuspecting fool for 60 bucks! Are you insane, woman?!"
"I have no idea. And there's less than two minutes left to resolve the plot, so what could have been a reasonably interesting backstory will go unspoken," she said while shrugging nervously. "Chock it up to bad writing?"
Grandpa Max shook her harder until her eyes rolled. "This is a fanfiction! There is no time limit. Seriously, how the fuck did you get those gloves?"
"I...I don't know! That is completely up for speculation!"
"So speculate. If we're gonna die here, I deserve to know how all this crap happened. There was absolutely no set up for it."
"Uh, I inherited them from my grandmother? I found them in a ditch when I was a little girl on my uncle's farm? They fell out of the sky as I was walking home one evening?" She started to cry. "I don't know! Please, stop shaking me. I'm going to throw up."
"Oh, sorry." Grandpa Max took his hands off her shoulders as she wobbled dizzily from being shaken that hard for so long.
"Okay, Gwen," said Ben. "While Hex is distracted by his own maniacal laughter, slither up behind him and seep into the gloves. Which luckily are an ancient piece of gear based magical technology for Upgrade to fuck around on."
"Hey, what? Get off my gauntlets," Hex cried upon realizing his 5 minutes of fame were approaching their end when Upgrade slimed around behind his back and slipped onto his hands. "Arg, no! My awesomeness! Nooooo!"
Upgrade overpowered the Titan Gauntlets and caused them to break apart. Hex fell to the ground, dropping his book. Which Grandpa Max picked up right away and began to read a spell from it that turned Hex's magic binds against him, tying him up instead.
Okay, wait. So Grandpa Max has read the book before? He knows some of the spells, including the exact page the binding spell is on? Whatever. Talk about writer's contrivances. How sad.
"Now I'll put you back in the right bodies with one minute to spare," Grandpa Max said. He squinted into the book. He tried to pronounce the spell but did it poorly.
"You're butchering the pronunciation of my sacred spells like this show has butchered the memory of the original series it's based off," Hex groaned.
"Zing," said Ben. "Hey, good one, Hex."
"Also when you first cast the binding spell, it covered my body entirely and wrapped both my arms and legs. Now in this scene, you can clearly see my legs and part of my arms are free and only my upper torso is wrapped. I should be able to do a spell and throw it at you assholes as a countermeasure. Too bad I can't."
"Yeah, good thing this show is completely mangled by stupidity, gives off a vibe of blatant cheapness, and it's filled with contrived plots meant to fit into 11 minutes, or we'd be in big trouble," said Ben.
"At least it's not flash animated," said Gwen.
Sadly, Hex was not immune to the vicious comedic devices of the Ben 10 reboot, and in a fit of his own anger, ended up properly speaking the body-transference spell that Grandpa Max had so much trouble with. How nice of him.
"D'oh," Hex said as he watched Ben and Gwen fly into the air and get placed back into their proper bodies.
"Yes, I have my penis back," Ben exclaimed with joy. "But in an empowering moment for myself, let it be known that I didn't need it or the Omnitrix to be awesome. Awesomeness is an inherent part of my being. Me, Ben Tennyson. Straight white male savior of Earth and also the universe. Yay, me!"
"And I'm once again filled with crippling self-loathing because I don't have a penis, and there are extremely few pieces of media for female children out there that don't indoctrinate them with the subconscious message to be pretty or nice and self-sacrificing and subservient all the time in the name of female empowerment," Gwen said with an eerily cheerful expression as her right eye twitched.
Sorry, Gwen. Them's the breaks. Nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaah. Seriously though, male dominated cartoon media is getting dumber with each passing year. It sucks for everyone. Male or female, the media assumes you're absolutely retarded and will do or buy anything they tell you. And the saddest thing of all is most people do anyway, so the evil greedy corporate fuckwads get validation from it. What a joke. And the joke is on us.
The plot device police showed up, all two of them, with poor injured Prospector Pete for comical effect.
"We're not good examples of police," the first officer said.
"We don't know proper laws or the simple and painfully obvious fact that causing a vast swath of property damage with magical powers and almost killing hundreds of people should be against the law. We're here to arrest you for flinging Prospector Pete across the county and hurting his arm and leg."
Are you fucking serious.
"Yes," they said. "The writing for this show is honestly that bad."
It really, really is. It parodies itself. But I need a hobby on the side to improve my writing skills and keep them fresh, so.
"Don't feel bad for me. I'm not going to make it to the patrol car before I kill these two and fly away to do something else," Hex foreshadowed as he was lead away by the policemen. "Watch for my cameo. I'm riding a broom. See, it's funny. Ha ha, I'm going to cast a spell to get me the fuck out of this piece of shit and back into Omniverse. That would honestly be less degrading."
"Ben, you were great," Gwen complimented.
"Yes, I know," Ben said.
Gwen nudged him on the arm. "Don't you have anything to say to me? A return compliment, perhaps?" She waited through an increasingly awkward silence. Her bottom lip quivered. Her eye twitched again. "VALIDATE ME, PLEASE!"
Ben stood and stared at her for a longer moment.
"You didn't do anything worth complimenting, Gwen. Unless you count barely functioning in a fight that I led you by the hand in. Again, figuratively. Due to your horrible incompetence."
Gwen threw her head back and started bawling her little gigantic eyes out.
"See, it's more fitting when a female does it," Ben said as he sighed.
"You two are the champions of Swapapalooza," said the hippie-lady. The place is called Swapapalooza? Did I spell that right? Does anyone care? This fucking stupid show. "So please take these as a token of my appreciation." She handed them the roller skates and Sumo Slammer's slushy maker, free of charge. Oh boy.
"That's sort of embarrassing," Gwen said as she took her new free skates. "This place sucked to begin with. Being champions of it isn't exactly something to be proud of. Plus we didn't save much at all, except Hex from massacring everybody and dominating the earth. It's like getting an award for not quite failure."
"Who cares! We got the free things I alluded to in the beginning of the fic," Ben said as he clutched his expired original flavor packet. "Now I get to contract dysentery from rancid sugar water that's been sitting in the hot sun for who knows how long."
Ben ducked down, leaving the shot for a millisecond, and came back up with a full cup of slushy. What the fuck. He pulled it out of his ass. Yeah, kid's show. Comedy based. Random goofy humor. Nothing makes sense. Nothing ever will. Get used to it.
"It's cool when we work together. Though we don't anymore in this show, and the emphasis on us working together as a family to battle evil has become a lost concept," Gwen said. "Meaning this line makes no real sense out of the context of this one episode." She was silent for a minute. She reached up and pressed her hand against her aching head. "I'm confused."
"Don't think about it," Ben said. "That's the way I roll. Shut the brain off."
They tried to fist bump each other again. Some of Ben's slushy got on Gwen's hand.
"Uh, oh, wow, what, WHOA, THIS BURNS MY SKIN," Gwen exclaimed. "This is literally a canon line! This is burning my skin!" She made a hilarious face. "What is in this crap?"
"Original flavoring," Ben said while making a creepy smiling face. "Also sixteen different chemicals that have been known to cause cancer and fetal deformations." He continued to loudly suck on his drink straw. "But they taste so good."
Grandpa Max left Hex's book lying on the ground. They all walked away from it. Yeah, no one took the book. Not Gwen. Not Max. Just left it there. Lying there. On the ground. Evil spell book. Full of powerful ancient magical spells one could learn to recite. How do you do that and expect the viewers to take this show seriously? Why would they leave the book there, knowing it's a weapon? They broke the gloves. But the book? Gwen didn't take the book! This worries me.
The hippie-lady picked it up.
"This will be perfect," she said...before slapping a ridiculously low price tag of $2.99 onto it. Which was actually pretty funny the first time you see this episode. But not the second. Or the fifth. Or eleventh. Let us hope Charmcaster purchases that book in a future episode. Please, God. "For my next terrible sale of archaic magic items to random people! I didn't learn my lesson at all."
The episode abruptly ends like that.
And so does this fic.
The End