companion piece/continuation of my old fic 'our curse'
(i'm over here throwing out these atla fics like mad bc it's been so long and i have so many feelings about these kids? anyways, i was looking over my old fics and was struck by more inspiration bc i love dying and being dead.)
i. Zuko doesn't know how to act around these people, the ones who look at him with something in their eyes he doesn't quite understand (suspicion; apprehension; understanding—pity) and doesn't think he wants to understand. He doesn't know how to speak to them; he thinks they probably don't know how to speak to him either.
ii. He wishes he could say he is surprised when he finds that his fire is all but extinguished, nothing more than puffs of hot air and smoky knuckles. He wishes he could say he is surprised, but then he thinks about lightening and about Mai and about Uncle and about flames and knows that whatever is driving him forward now, keeping him going, it's not the anger that was there before.
iii. They meet the dragons. He and the Avatar—Aang, he reminds himself. This boy is twelve and he has a name. He and this twelve year old Aang meet the dragons. It is beautiful, and it is sad, and he wonders why they choose to show him their truths instead of burning him up like he deserves.
iv. (This is impossible, he had thought in disbelief when he saw them, because the last dragon is dead. The Dragon of the West was the last one, and he is gone.)
v. He dreams about it. Sometimes, in his dreams, Uncle turns and looks at him, and his eyes are cold with betrayal hurt disappointment hatred, and he says look what you've done, without opening his mouth. Other time, he turns and looks at him, and he bleeds forgiveness.
vi. He always wakes up in a cold sweat either way, panic and shame and terror all twisted up and stuck in his throat. He digs a hand in his hair and pulls to keep himself from falling to pieces. He doesn't fall asleep for the rest of the night.
vii. Sokka wants to go be a hero and save his father from the most heavily fortified prison in the whole damn Fire Nation. (You never think these things through, Uncle says in the back of his mind, and Zuko insists on going with him. He knows what can happen when you jump headfirst into situations you can't control with no one there to back you up.)
vii. They find his dad. Zuko feels something sharp and bitter whenever he sees them talk or laugh or elbow each other in the ribs, and has to look away.
viii. Toph, the earthbender girl, sits down next to him one day, dangling his feet over the edge of the temple floor. She says, "I had tea with him once. And he gave me some really good advice." Zuko says, "He always did have a thing for drinking tea with strangers." She pauses for a long time before she says, "He was worried about you, you know. He cared about you a lot." Zuko swallows hard and closes his eyes and says "I know." and wants to throw up.
ix. Toph does not look at him with suspicion apprehension betrayal—understanding, yes. And she never looks quite at him, because she can't, but she feels him holding back yells at night, and she understands.
x. Katara takes a long time to come around. She is stubborn and she is angry and she is strong—so very strong when she drops her arms and leaves the man who killed her mother trembling in the dirt. Zuko doesn't think he would have that strength, if it were him.
xi. "But I'm ready to forgive you," she says, and he wants to cry. Forgiveness is so much, and so new, and something he doesn't deserve will never deserve. Katara looks at him with big compassionate eyes, and she understands.
xii. Aang is mastering Zuko's element far quicker than Zuko—or even Azula—ever did. But he is twelve, he doesn't concentrate, and every time he smiles, it feels like an apology. Aang, Zuko thinks, is not one to last long in this world.
xiii. The play makes him want to curl up and die, but at least—thank the goddamn sprits—Uncle didn't burn. Zuko did, but he thinks that's the way it should have been. He thinks that's the way it might be, soon.
xiv. Zuko places five tiny, flickering balls of fire along Aang's shoulders (Katara, Sokka, Toph, Suki, Uncle—not one for himself) as he sits, meditating in the early morning sunlight. He leaves one final, tiny flame to rest on top of his head, right on the tip of the arrowhead, and thinks: and this one is you.
xv. He thinks: this boy is twelve, and young, and going to die, and—of course, of course, just like before—there is nothing I can do to stop it.
happy halloween be safe eat hella candy