The Fire this Time
It was the scream that woke Matt Casey up. He opened his eyes and shot up in bed, not sure if the scream had come from him, or if it had just been part of a nightmare. His room was all but pitch dark, he knew it had to be the middle of the night.
There was another scream, and he knew now it wasn't a dream, it was coming from the room across the hall.
"Kelly?" Casey threw back the covers and swung his legs over the side of the bed.
He hurried in the dark and wound up running into the door, he found the knob and pulled the door open, as he stepped out into the hall there was another scream.
"Kelly?" Casey reached the door to Severide's room, and acting on a reflex, knocked loudly before he went in. "Kelly, are you okay?"
From the other side of the door the screaming had stopped, but he could hear labored breathing.
"I'm coming in," Casey said as he opened the door.
Severide's room was just as dark as his was, and at first he couldn't see anything. He looked around and as his eyes adjusted to the dark, he could see the figure of Kelly sitting up in the bed.
"Kelly, what happened?"
"Nothing," Severide responded, not convincing whatsoever. "Sorry I got you up."
"You're not getting rid of me that easily," Casey said as he closed the door behind him and headed over to the bed. "You had a nightmare?"
Kelly didn't answer, but the heavy breath that escaped him was as good of one as any.
Casey crawled onto the other side of the bed and sat up at the headboard beside Kelly, "What was it?"
He was close enough that even in the dark he could see Kelly looking down at the covers, not making eye contact with him.
"What's wrong, Kelly?" Matt asked.
Severide inhaled loudly, and as he answered, his voice was strong enough but threatened to break with every word that came out, "I...dreamt that we were...back at Hallie's clinic, during the fire..."
Casey thought he understood. "I know...I have nightmares all the ti-"
"You don't know," Kelly inched away from him, closer to the edge.
Matt looked at him curiously, wondering what had gotten Kelly so upset.
Kelly moaned as he momentarily pressed his hands against the sides of his head as if he was trying to block it out. Then he lowered his hands, and reluctantly he answered, "It was Hadley."
"What?" Casey wasn't sure he'd heard right.
"I dreamt...we got to the back room...and Hadley was there...he'd set the clinic on fire, he killed Hallie. And we were trying to get the gate open and he was just standing there...with this...horrible grin on his face...just laughing..." Kelly was breathing so hard by now he was just about to start hyperventilating.
Casey sat there in complete silence for a minute as he tried to take this in. Shaking his head, he reached for Severide, "Kelly-"
"Don't touch me," Kelly moved closer to the edge, as if he were afraid that if Casey actually came into contact with him, some part of his dream might actually become reality, that everything he had gone through in Hadley's cat and mouse game in the weeks leading up to his arrest, would rub off on Matt.
"Kelly, Hallie's death...and the fire at the clinic, that had nothing to do with Hadley...you know that," Casey pointed out.
"I know...but the whole thing just felt so real."
Casey looked at him and quietly asked, "What's really wrong, Kelly?"
Severide turned his head and looked at Matt, and very self consciously, he asked, "How could I have been so wrong about Hadley?"
"Hey, you didn't pick him for Squad, he got sent to us," Casey said.
"He was a member of 51 for years, how did I not know that he was a psychopath?"
"They are very good at hiding it, Kelly, it's what they do, he had all of us fooled."
"But he was one of my men," Kelly replied.
"So what, you're supposed to read minds?" Casey asked.
"I'm supposed to be a good judge of character."
"Even Boden didn't see that one coming," Matt reminded him.
"Benny knew something wasn't right with him," Kelly pointed out.
"No offense but maybe it takes one to know one," Casey suggested, "let's face it, for all Benny's glory days as a smoke eater, there were plenty of ugly incidents too."
Kelly shook his head. "That's not it."
"Well you know what they say about even a broken clock's right twice a day," Casey said. "Benny just got lucky, don't let it eat you up."
"He knew, Matt, he knew," Kelly said as he drew his knees to his chest, "he knew something was off with Hadley. How did I miss it?"
"Benny didn't know that Hadley was going to be an arsonist, he just thought he was weird," Matt told him. "There's a huge difference."
Kelly didn't seem to hear him instead he pressed his face to his knees and mumbled something incoherent.
Casey inched his way over beside Kelly and placed a comforting hand on his back. "Talk to me, Kelly, what's going on in that head of yours?"
Kelly sucked in a hard breath and turned his head and pressed his face in the crook of Casey's neck. "What if I'm doing everything wrong?"
"What do you mean?"
"I was wrong about Hadley, who else have I been wrong about?" Kelly asked as he pulled back from Matt. "Who else will I be wrong about? The next time somebody gets transferred to 51, what if I'm wrong again?"
"Kelly, I'm pretty sure the odds of having 2 firebugs in one station house, especially who aren't connected to one another, are astronomical," Casey said.
"It's not just that...ever since the academy I've tried so hard to prove I'm better than Benny...I never wanted anybody thinking I was riding his coattails, taking anything that I got for granted just because of who he was...I've been on Rescue Squad for 12 years...Benny's been retired from the department for...I don't know how many years...he walks in off the street, meets Hadley one time, and can see something that I can't and I work with the man every shift...maybe I'm not cut out for this job after all."
Casey almost laughed as he reached over and pulled Kelly against him with one arm and calmly stroked through his short hair with his other hand. It took everything he had not to tease Kelly that he was so cute when he was doubting his own abilities.
"Kelly, your judgment is very sound," Casey reminded him, "and if it wasn't I'd be the first to tell you, even when you don't want to hear it."
That drew a small chuckle from the Squad lieutenant.
"I still trust you with my life," Matt added.
"I'm not sure that's a good idea," Kelly replied.
Casey looked at him and asked, "How long have you been having these nightmares?"
"About since Hadley was arrested," Kelly confessed.
"And why didn't you tell me before?" Casey asked.
"How could I?" Kelly asked in return.
"Easier than you did tonight," Matt reminded him.
"I didn't want you to know," Kelly told him.
"Kelly, it was just a dream, you have to know I would never hold you accountable for what happened to Hallie."
"But what if it was true? What if it actually had been Hadley who torched the clinic?" Severide's voice was so small with fear, Casey almost couldn't hear him.
Casey was silent for a few seconds, then answered, "It still wouldn't be your fault. You had no idea what he was capable of. It happens, Kelly...we're all wrong about somebody sooner or later..." he pressed his hand against the side of Kelly's face and stroked over Severide's cheek with his thumb to make sure he had his attention, "Now you need to relax and try to go back to sleep."
"Casey-"
"I'll stay with you," Matt told him. "If you have another nightmare, you won't be going through it alone."
Severide didn't seem sure, "Casey..."
"Kelly, lie down and close your eyes."
He could see he wasn't going to get anywhere with Matt, so he complied, and scooted back down in the bed until his head touched the pillows. He felt the mattress shift as Casey laid down beside him.
"Shut-your-eyes," Casey said quietly and firmly. "I'm right here, you're alright."
Reluctantly, Kelly did as he was told.
Kelly was still sound asleep when Casey woke up the next morning. The sun was just starting to pour in through the windows, Casey softly moaned as he stretched his arms over his head and heard something pop. He turned over and saw Kelly tangled up in the covers and completely dead to the world.
Casey leaned over and noticed that Kelly was completely oblivious to any movement from the other side of the bed. He leaned down and lightly kissed Severide on the forehead while the dark haired man slept. Then he pulled back, and moving very carefully and quietly, got up from the bed, and headed back across the hall to his own room and crawled in his own bed to get another hour's sleep or so before starting the day.
Last night had certainly been a startling revelation. As much death and destruction as everyone at 51 saw on the job and lived with in their personal lives, it was a safe bet that at any given time something was going through Severide's mind that could easily keep anybody up at night, but Casey would never have guessed this one. Everyone had been caught off guard when Hadley resurfaced as the mysterious arsonist who was hounding Kelly, and certainly nobody at the House blamed Kelly for anything that had taken place. The man didn't just hold himself to a higher standard than his father's legacy as a firefighter, he held himself to a standard above all others period. Soaring that high, Casey guessed it was inevitable that Kelly would burn his wings. He was just thankful that he'd been present to catch Severide when he fell, and now that he had some idea of what he was working with, Casey intended to be there the next time Kelly needed someone to pick him back up.